I had a post in surviving about my wifes affair. Yeah i didnt follow plan A real well but i never got a chance. I exposed, she wrote NC letter and still continued to see him. After the third time she left. 2 days later she gives me a sob story i missed you so much, i really do love you, never meant to hurt you can i come home. That was thursday, we took a nice nap, cuddled, laughed it felt real good. Then she drops the bomb ive talked to a lawyer to protect myself if you decide you've had enough and decide to boot me.


Friday i see she ws looking at bridal stuff on the comp and her phone along with houses. Ask about it she gets defensive i didnt look at stuff like that on my phone. Someone else must have. Ya ok. I text the OM, gratz on your guy's wedding. First time hes responded back, shocked me to hell. He says no wedding. I said whats the status of your relationship. He says i will be honest and treat you with respect, you deserve to talk to me. You can come to my house and we can talk.

I go to his house and ask, do you plan on continuing to pursue this relationship. He says oh yeah we're in love. Keep in mind this has been going on 6 weeks when i exposed, 3 weeks since. I said odd she says she wants to make it work with me and your out of the picture. I show him texts, all 240 from her to me. He says she told me your marriage has been over for 8 years and you guys just went through the motions. She says you moved out couple months ago, then moved back becuase you have nowhere to stay. Sorry OM, i sleep with her every night, we had sex feb 2, 9, 21. Kinda rocked his world.

The next day he confronts her on those lies, tells me he really got no straight answers from her and she seemed distant. She comes home we talk and i said him or me. This morning she texts me that she didnt mean for this to happen, she does love me, im an excellent father, great guy but her feelings for him are to strong she wants a divorce.

I'm tired. Our 13 years have been a web of her lies. I want to save it for the kids but atm shes offering if i give half custody of kids she wont fight me for support, alimony, house anything but her car. Shes told everyone that she has no interest in burying me. And even the kids i know how she is i'd end up with them most of the time anyhow. I just dont think her lies will ever stop. Is it wrong to just accept the divorce and move on? She told me shes been a terrible wife our whole marriage and i deserve better....

It's your life. You live on the decisions you make.

How do you think John Wayne would have handled the situation with the OM?
Would he go to the house and ask about a wedding?

Why would you even talk to this guy? Maybe a Dirty Harry talk like "I'll kill you your dog and very friend you ever had if you look at my wife again"....

No I'm just joking. That's not allowed.

Are you following plan A now?
Did you expose to the OM parents and married friends?

I cant track down any of his family. I went to talk to him to get to the bottom of it because she was still protecting him. And i got alot of answers from him on their relationship that i needed to move forward. She left so plan A is kinda hard.

beenhurtagain, no one would criticize you if you decided to walk. That is entirely your decision. Can you sue for divorce on grounds of adultery in your state? I would check into that, because even in some no fault states, adultery is taken into account. And I would strongly suggest you consider "parallel parenting" rather than "co-parenting." Staying in contact with her will make you sick and keep you stressed out. Check it out here: here

And I would suggest that you file for divorce and get these agreements in writing. Change your locks and keep her out. She is likely to change her mind when her guilt wears off.

Yeah thats my fear, i want to get this ball rolling quick before the high of the affair wears off.

I went through a divorce last year.
What level of custody would you want?

I want full but i dont think its worth the fight atm. She has told everyone if we go joint custody she wants nothing to do with anything besides her car. No support of any kind, house is mine. She wont want them even 50% of the time. With her work schedule ive raised the kids, she cant put up with them. If she wants to get dirty on other stuff though thn im fighting for kids.

Okay.
What about her boyfriend?
Have you ran a background check on him?
I always ask because my wife's affair partner was a convicted drug addict and went to prison for trying to kill his own daughter.

If you have joint custody the kids will be around him.

Hurt,
I confess I know little of your situation. I can tell you there are some similarities between you and myself from what I can see.

I would caution you this: she will be afforded certain options by the state in terms of CS payments(and possibly property rights). It's a formula and could be argued to be fair or not, but it's like arguing the speedlimit- it just is. Just because she agrees to one thing (promising the moon, in my view), doens't mean she wont come to her senses somewhere down the road. You're right, she is so fogged out right now she doesn't know what she's really saying -- and that can be taken advantage of (I did that to some extent as well). But let's say she hits rock bottom in a couple years when the affair wears off and she grows up again and starts wanting to be an adult; she may miss her kids, or worse find a lawyer to come after you for more money, more this, more that -- change of status type of things. I believe that is a POSSIBLE scenario and something for you to be aware of.

Which is why I answer the question of your post title with: "Maybe."

Trust me I know how difficult it is to live under the strain you are in. I couldn't handle it either and pulled the trigger on divorce. I thought I would die if I didn't get out and also saw an advantageous window of opportunity at the time. I had no hope she would ever recover or make the necessary changes to join with me in a loving relationship.

But that was admittedly a disrespectful judgement on my part. And I was essentially ruled at that time by emotions.

Which is why this program is so helpful if you can use it effectively. You can get true objectivity from Dr. Harley or Steve, for example. They will not see the emotional aspects and can help you make decisions based on long term success instead of "get me out of this pain right now" type of thinking. Having a goal to work toward is it's own analgesic, so you wind up getting both objectives met.

Not to disagree with Jedi above, as I respect him very much for his contributions to these boards, but I believe Dr. Harley recommends BS's confront the OM's -- usually once just to get things out in the open. JK's right, they are usually full of crap, but at least we all are singing in the same key after the "little chat." Sounds like it went pretty well for you - I don't know how you did it. I confronted 4 OM's in my day each with varying low levels of success.

D takes a long time. But you've been married a long time. And you will live with your decision a long time. In some ways you can't really rush this process, even if you want to.

Have you thought about a Plan B/separation?

opt

Sunday night i was planning on starting plan B and bettering myself and supporting the kids. She texts first thing monday morning, can i come over and talk tonight. Ignored it. 4 hours later she sends me a text. Just so you know the OM dad died today and he wants me to attend the services with him. I said so? You said you chose him, we're over all thats left is paperwork. She says that isnt always the case. I'm like wtf does that mean? We'll talk tonight she says.

She walks in the door like everything in life is perfect, laughing joking. Wow did that raise my anger level. She says i dont plan on filing anything right now. Trying to cake eat....I understand if you dont want to wait around for me. But i want you to know ive been doing some reading and i'll only take 50% of the blame for this....Ohhhh wheres that heavy bag to hit.

Tuesday she takes our daughter to dance comes home and was going through her mail. She has a life insurance policy in her hand, i said make sure you take me of as the beneficiary. Omg stop she says. Its like this is totally normal, husband at home takes care of the responsibilities, and a BF on the side thats now in the open so the stress is gone.

Her one sister is pissed and i cant get her to confront. She says she doesnt want in the middle. Her other sister i think may be enabling her. Thats where she says shes been sleeping, they plan to go out friday night. She covered for her alot on whereabouts before dday. I think friday when i meet the lawyer i might file. Will i go through with it dunno, but i need to stand my ground and let her now im done dinking around. Sorry if this goes against the MB ways but its what i feel. She always wants a hug when shes around, says i love you when she leaves. Its messed up. And yeah i totally failed at plan B first attempt, as much as she is making me really mad i cant let go, i wanna grasp at any hope.

And this has been the perfect emotional storm to grow this messed up affair. After first dday he has an accident breaks his hip and couple ribs. Ahh poor OM i feel so bad. Month later his dad dies, Ahh poor OM hes been through so much i need to be there for him.

If you want to grasp at any hope then you need to have a plan and use the MB plan.
That would be plan A when you interact with her
If you can't handle being around her then plan A for 6 weeks then use plan B.

Well im gonna go out on a limb tomorrow. We had a nice conversation tonight. She said she still wants it to work. Im gonna ask if she'll be willing to give it a 6 week go. She comes home, NC with OM, who said if she decided to work on her marriage would step back , and try and go full plan A. Tbh i'm over the affair as long as she can maintain NC. I plan no talking about the affair, financials or any triggers that get her upset. I'm sure im going about it wrong but she gave me a glimmer of hope tonight and i feel like i need to finish drawing her in and see if i can bring back the love we had last fall. If after 6 weeks it isnt there then so be it.

Please read this thread (and the thread I posted it at end of it). To avoid the same mistakes.

A false recovery can be more painful than an original Dday.

Well all i can say is im glad i didnt try for recovery. Thursday night she skipped work to be with him, friday night she wanted to come over and talk candidly about everything, instead she went clubbing and invited her sisters out with her and the POSOM. Her oldest sister called me up crying how she couldnt handle seeing them together. Sun she had the stones to take our 2 D's to church with him then to her parents house for easter dinner. Paperwork hasnt even been started yet and shes parading him around like an old married couple. Paster got ahold of me and said he about passed out when they walked in. Family members want nothing to do with her. For one they are moving things way to fast and 2 shes embarassing herself beyond imagination. Not my worry anymore i guess, i've gone full plan B and preparing for plan D. Not sure i can pick up the pieces when this all blows up.

Are any of these family members telling her how disappointed they are with her affair and putting pressure on her to end it?

We always tell betrayed spouses not to listen to what the wayward says. The WS hardly knows their own mind.


yada yada yada then blah blah blah then fog fog fog then me me me then I I I then what ?????

More crap.




Plan BBBBBBBBB


Plan BBBBBBBBBB



Plan BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Don't worry about the pieces. Protect yourself ASAP.
Did you change the locks?

How to Plan B correctly *** LINK ***

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