Sample Plan B letter: (you write one and we will critique before sending)

Dear WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The (number) years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that some of my behaviors drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM has caused me has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my life and my happiness. I will not allow this contact any longer.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other. I insist that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact (IM's name), and IM will contact me.

I had committed myself to our marriage. Beginning today, I walk forward in my life without you. My head is held high.
Sincerely,
BH


PS <~~~ I removed all the Plan B parts about reconciliation. Let me know if you think you want to add those parts.

I might want those parts added. Gonna have to do some thinking on an IM. As you ask know it's hard to not grasp at straws. After her being gone for a little while im starting to see this is rather enjoyable not thinking, worrying.

Her one sister is an enabler, the other has been in my court for awhile. Everyone else is disgusted but just ignores her won't confront. Frustrating.

By the way, you're welcome.

OK

You can re-work the following to suit your needs.

Sorry thank you. I appreciate the help, minds just going a million different directions and forgot to show it.

Hey Hurt,
I have been following along and don't have much opportunity to post lately. But I have been thinking about your situation for a couple of days.

I sense that you are having a lot of conflicting thoughts (mind going a lot of directions).

This is exactly why I think you are very well advised to get yourself established in a Plan B. I really don't think one can think straight when their WS is in an active affair. I think one tends to make some very big, long-term decisions based on very short-term and emotional circumstances. (your ww is doing the same - thinking long-term based on some very powerful but very short sighted events going on in her life. This guy won't be around in a year.)

In contrast, your marriage has LOGIC to it. Dr. Harley talks about this a lot. The marriage that produced the children is the logical choice in which to raise the children. It offers the children the very best opportunity to be successful in their lives and in their future relationships.

Long term, you could find a wife who you get along with just fine. But Dr. Harley is quick to point out that [human adults never treat their step children with the same care as do the kids biological parents] - NOT to paraphrase Dr. Harley inaccurately -- this is the basic sentiment though, I believe.

So, my point is that while you are currently being beaten and emotionally abused by the affair, and have every right and responsibility to get OUT of the situation (if she had a stick and was doing the same assaults, you wouldn't try to logic her out of her madness, you'd push her out of the way and get AWAY, right?).

While you are OUT of the situation and away from it, you can then start thinking of Long Term solutions. Plan B.

[You may check with others here who know more about Plan B but I don't think you're too far off base to state in your plan b letter that "I need to get separation from you because the situation has rendered me incapable of making reasonable and responsible decisions for myself, us, and our children. There is too much emotion involved at this time and I need to remove myself from that before I sign on to any long term plans. I ask you to respect this for me and for us and for our kids, and give me some time." -- something like that. She won't like it, because she wants "resolution" as well. But you shouldn't feel forced to do anything at this stage - you have rights too; including the right to protect yourself and your family.

I know you're on the D board, but I don't think your situation is hopeless. I also don't think Dr. Harley would say it's hopeless. I listen to the radio show a lot and these types of situations come up a lot - I've never heard him advise someone to throw in the towel in the circumstances you find yourself in.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair?

opt

Opt is correct. Plan B will help you think.
Additionally ....


Plan B will force WW to rely solely on OM for support. She apparently cannot go to her family (with one exception) and she will lose her biggest admirer, her husband. OM is like eating dessert 3 times a day. After a steady diet of sugar, she will feel malnourished. She may or may not turn towards the marriage, but at least you will be clear-thinking and capable of making a decision after Plan B.

Plan B is really all about YOUR protection. Plan B is not all about teaching your WW a lesson. However, I have observed over the years that the WWs who learn the the value of their M and their BH during Plan B are the only WW's worth recovering with. You would not want WW back now if she remains "as is". Throw her into the reality of life without you with Plan B. And, gain protection/peace/perspective yourself.

Plan B is dangerous. Your love can fade away. The betrayed spouse must weigh the risk/benefit ratio.
We can point out some of those to you, but you must make a decision to commit to one of 2 plans.
A or B. You can divorce her anytime.

Have you enlisted them to try and help you and your marriage? Do they understand the possibility of helping her stear away from the disaster she is heading her life towards? You have been unsuccessful in convincing her that she is making terrible choices for herself, but they might be able to save her -- they have an opportunity to do some real good. For her and her kids. And themselves.

Try to show them that it's not confronting, it's pursueding in a positive way. Perhaps you could encourage them to begin the conversation with some non-confrontational questions.

opt

Its so wrong whats shes doing but she wont listen to me is what i get from her family. Call me a fool but heres my short/long term plan. She will hand the house over to me at this point because shes so fogged for virtually nothing. Shes starting the D process friday, im gonna try and nail her on agreeing on the kids and property the way we talked. Then go full plan B after i get her to sign. i need to have my financial security as intact as i can if the SdoesHTF. She says no child support, no alimony just let her have her car and the kids half the time. Then im going full plan B. I dont want to drag it out and let people, or the OM gt in her head. Ive built a really nice house here on my parents money at times. Cant let her get me for it.

On a side note im hearing rumors the OM is abusive and the cops were at his house nonstop when he was with his ex wife. Got a call in to a couple cop buddies to get to the bottom of it.

I mean hell she just reopened her fb page and updated her status to in a relationship with OM. All these people congratulating them, society is messed up. Theres been enough hurt and mentally ive moved forward some im not sure i want her back.

Plan B will bring you peace and the protection you need.
What say you?

I agree, i can feel the peace already from her not being here and not seeing her. Its almost a relief to feel like i can move on without that thought that what can i do today to win her back. How can i make her see the light? At this point i cant so i just need to grow as a dad and hopefully a husband for a woman who appreciates me someday.

Ugh so this is where it gets confusing. She texts me yesterday all pissed because i took control of her fb from her when she was still at home. Talked about how she could pursue legal action blah blah blah. Said i'll have the kids ready for you at 5. Get the kids, we dont say a word i go home and start boxing her remaining clothes and stuff up. Get to feeling better, go to bed. She sends me a text, i love you. ? Was that meant for me? Of course it was who else would it be for. I said i love you to and i always will but you chose him and this is a time for me to move on and become a better person.

This morning she texts again and says how hard it is to see me because she wants to hug and kiss me. Come home then and leave the OM behind. I know she does still love me but shes confused in the fog. I was preparing to enter plan B but not sure now. Should i go B when we arent around each other and A when i see her?

And i'll admit im sure ive screwed this whole process up. One min she was home, then she leaves, then back home. Now shes been gone 2 weeks. Shes filing for divorce, then shes gonna wait, then shes filing again, then her appt gets changed. shes all over the map with things and i cant figure out what path to take....

She can't figure out what path to take, and instead of leading, you are following her.

Hurt,
you can't swsitch between Plan B and Plan A. Plan B is carried out with the plan you set forth in your Plan B letter. You don't waver from that.

And....have you read any threads on the SAA board? Your wayward wife is garden variety, run-of-the-mill, standard, non-unique wayard who is literally living out of the wayward handbook. They ALL do the stuff you describe. There is no reason for you to be surprised by her behavior, if you were to research some of the other threads here and become educated on the ways of the fogged-out wayward. There was a guy here named Mark who used to write some amazing things about the commonalities between waywards and herion addicts -- the same brain chemicals, the addiction taking over decision making, irratic inexplainable illogical behavior. Dr. Harley backs it all up as he was in addictions work prior to marriage work.

Have you listened to the radio show? You will hear the same stuff there. Better yet, call the show and run some of this by Dr. Harley. I bet he would just about Yawn on air, it's all so pedestrian. However, he would also tell you to ignore it and focus on YOUR OWN behavior.

As for your own behavior. What are you doing TODAY to "be a better person?"
[and don't worry about "screwing it up" -- you get second chances with this program. What we frown upon is making the same mistakes over and over. We're here to help you and if we feel you're ignoring us, people lose interest and focus on others who are willing to work the program].

Please focus on your own stability -- you will not get that from the ww right now. Your kids need that from you and so does your ww. You are still married to her and will be for a while. Be a respectable husband and be strong, put a plan in place to protect yourself and your family and work the plan. Can you do that?

I've noticed you managed to gloss over some of my questions. Please refocus and put some attention to those.

Opt

ps -- I invaded my ww's facebook once also. During plan A. It was wrong. It was NOT marriage builders. I should have apologized and I don't believe I ever did. An MB apology: "I was wrong to behave that way. I was not using the Policy of Joint Agreement, which holds good marriages together. I was dishonest and acting independently (IB). While I was very hurt by your behavior of posting your status as non-involved, I had no right to counter it with reprehensible behavior of my own. I love you and want us to thrive."

What are you doing to grow as a dad? Have you eliminated lovebusters from your life? How are you teaching your children to deal with adversity? How are you taking responsibility for your role in the situation? --they are watching and taking notes.

MB teaches there are reasons for adultery but not excuses. What is your role in the reasons your wife might have strayed? How will you patch up those behaviors for your next relationship (whether that be with your current wife or another woman in the future)?

What are some goals you have that you feel would be "appreciated" by someone in the future?

opt

Pardon the threadjack...

Opt....you have email from me.

Mr. w

I guess im not really sure what im doing to grow as a dad besides providing the best role model i can for them. I;m trying to eliminate LB's, i still have an occasional angry outburst but nothing like before.

I'm assuming conversation was the big hang up for her that i didnt fulfill. Maybe some recreational companionship. WW and the OM seem to constantly be on the go. Im not trying to defend my actions but for the last 7 years she worked almost every night and weekend. Never had a chance to do anything. Now shes been at a new job for the length of the affair and i never got a chance because he filled that void right from the get go.

If anyone has read my SAA thread about disclosing her love texts to me to the OM i've gone full plan B. I dont know if it was right or wrong but i did it and i cant change the past. At this point shes so messed up that theres no reason for me to continue contact. Guess im just in kind of a down place atm, with everything in full light its depressing seeing how my life went wrong....

BHA,
thanks for the update. I don't follow many threads lately, but I've been checking in for you for a few days.

First. That's exactly what you can do as far as I can see: be a good Dad and eliminate LB's. They tend to apply to everyone around you (whereas some EN's apply mostly to a spouse). Your kids really need that calmness and serenity as their world has been turned upside down and they are scared for their future.
Don't disparage your wife, she is sick and making very bad choices, but she is still their mom and they still feel that what she does and what people say about her directly reflects them and how they feel about themselves. But you can and must be honest about the situation and your feelings.

It's good that you are recognizing the EN's that weren't met. You may get another chance. To take it a step further, she didn't give you the opportunity due to the work schedule...but you didn't protest either (right?). My ex never initiated sex. After many years I stopped pursuing it - then the problems started even more; my responsibility would have been to continue to pursue it but I didn't (so it was BOTH of our problem). Dr. Harley states that most marriages break up due to "neglect." When us guys don't take the time with our wives, it's "neglect" - just like when we don't get the sex we need.

I doubt if RC is much of a factor, just because they are doing stuff together. That just comes along with the infatuation stage of dating. RC is usually what the man wants and she is probably just doing it to stay on his radar. You can't go by anything she's doing right now, she's an insane wayward; and very conflicted and sad inside. She will hate herself one day for what she is doing.
Just focus on yourself and continue to recognize how you can be a better person for your kids and yourself.

Independent Behavior is very cloudy when there is an affair going on. I believe you have to protect your marriage, but if you try to POJA some of the things you must do, you will not get much enthusiasm from a wayward spouse. Sharing texts is based on factual behavior from you wife -- if she had nothing to hide, then she shouldn't mind, right?

You will continue to have a rollercoaster of emotions, even in Plan B, but it will be much more smooth than the rollercoaster of Plan A during the affair.

Did you get an intermediary?
How will you communicate with ww if something emergent comes up?
Is she cooperating wth the PB so far?
Did you send a letter?
could you go into your profile and write a quick signature -- it helps us remember about your kids ages and things like that.

BHA,
I think you should consider merging this thread back with your SAA thread and going back there. Those folks are much more knowledgable about Plan B and how to navigate the affair aspects of your situation.

What do you think about that?

opt