This was the advice my IM gave me for my children and it worked:

Your kids need to memorize this line:

"Dad, please stop putting us in the middle and just contact xxx"

Every time he tries to pass a message on through them, change a visitation, plan something new, etc., they need to repeat this line... and tell them they don't need to say anything else but that. Even if they have to repeat that line 25 times in one evening. He will eventually realize that the kids don't want to be his messenger.

Broken record for the slower learning waywards.

It is CRITICAL when you enter Plan B that your WH cannot get through. He's not playing by the rules because he sees that he doesn't have to.

Brainstorm to come up with a solution for the workphone. Maybe screen all calls. If he leaves a VM, do not listen and erase it immediately.

If he cannot get through, he WILL use the IM. It's just a matter of plugging up the holes.

Of course he's not.
He did not follow the rules of marriage either.
Nothing unexpected.

Once he can't get through to you on the work phone, be prepared for him to try to break through in other ways. Leaving you a note in the mailbox, trying to catch you as you are arriving home/leaving, etc. Be ready and have a plan. Do not talk to him and do not read anything he leaves for you.

Sorry if this was covered earlier, I haven't read the entire thread.

This is just like him never follows rules. But I will ask the kids tonight to plug up the holes and remind them to give him a call back when I'm not around.

He has even been questioning them as to weather I'm dating someone else. REALLY ASK THE KIDS THAT!!

Yes, this is my xWH and probably many WSs. Yet, he did use the IM because he had no other option.

And make no mistake about it .... WH breaking the rules does not spell "I love you" at all!


WH breaking the rules says "I want what I want and I don't care about what you want."

He's been the TAKER and you've been the GIVER, and WH likes it that way.

It is NOT a "good sign" or a sign that he "misses" you.
He misses using you.
He misses controlling you.
He misses gas-lighting you.

If he wants to be a rule-following married man, he will follow the rules and let your IM know he is prepared for MB coaching/accountability.
(don't hold your breath)

Gently remind your kids not to share anything that WH says to them (even if it is about you) with you.

I agree.
Work with the kids to agree on a simple hand signal that you use to signal the kids "Stop. This is not for Mommy's ears."

If they have something they *think* might be "super special important" .... invite the kids to call the IM themselves to tell that piece of info to the IM.

He wants you to be dating someone else because that lets him and his infidel off the hook. Stay strong

I don't know that this is a fact.
It is pure conjecture.
It may be some other warped wayward reasoning.

BUT it MATTERS NOT !!!!
It is NOT your business Prince, to figure out WHY WH is doing this nonsense.
It is your JOB to stop listening to this nonsense.

[/quote]And make no mistake about it .... WH breaking the rules does not spell "I love you" at all! [/quote]

OUCH maybe my heart hoped him calling was him missing me due to love. Best to snap out of that thought now!! Thanks for that reality check

OK he called again on my cell phone this time I answered. Maybe I should not have but it was starting to get to me. For a moment though I did think it was going to be the big D talk. (that never came up). Hopefully I didn't make any mistakes. But here's what happened.

I answered he was pissy and said "so now you answer." (Rolling my eyes) I really wanted to go off but kept my cool and asked if there was anything wrong, changing the mood. He said he just wanted to check how my health was (mind you he is fully aware that I am under a doctors care and the kids have told him how I am as it comes up in every conversation with them, so they tell me), that and do I have a boyfriend, REALLY ASKING THE KIDS THAT!!

I went on to clarity why I haven't answered his calls letting him no that although I love him I will not be a third party to this whatever, that I am his wife and will conduct myself as such but I see no need in conversing with him as long as he continues in this fantasy/affair/addiction who knows. If he has anything important he can call our IC otherwise I will be doing what I need to do.

I did tell him that until that affair is completely over and he dedicates himself 100% to healing our marriage, relationship, and family I will speak to him. I also let him know it saddens me that he has lost so much in his life due to his addictions but that this last one will cost him the most valuable thing he had left his family...

I asked him to refer to the letter I sent him, he did throw it out or so he said. I think this will let him know enough is enough.

Did I mess up here???
Now I'm second guessing!!!

It gives me no pleasure to swat you .... but you need to deal with the facts.

I did tell him that until that affair is completely over and he dedicates himself 100% to healing our marriage, relationship, and family I will speak to him. (CORRECTION WILL NOT SPEAK TO HIM)

Don't repeat this mistake.
OK?

Any reason he should believe you?

What the????

Why in the world is he able to call you on your cell phone????