Withdrawal and depression are not indicative of a recovered marriage.

AM

I'm always amused by a comment like this.
Really? And, what exactly does that make him? How does he "see" himself?

You said:


And that paints your husband (to himself) as a weak and foolish victim. A dummy.

And to highlight his victimhood ... Speaking of WH's parents you say:

You mentioned:
Will he also learn to 'stand up to' you when he needs to? That's pretty important.

What does a weak man who is easily manipulated feel like?

Be very aware that you may worsen his self doubt when you take on the leadership role in the marriage.
I bet you dollars to donuts that OW lured him in by making him feel like a man, not a little boy.

Be careful not to 'mother'.

Best of luck to you.

To interested lurkers:

This is just one of the pitfalls of spending (wasting) marriage recovery time working out the affair partner's character flaw inventory.
"He's a predatory OM." "She's a gold-digger OW." etc.
It does not deepen the love within the marriage to give the affair partner a personality test.
The betrayed spouse may feel a little vindicated, but the wayward usually feels worse.
Digging around to paint the affair partner as something awful is not a substitute for MB work to restore the love for your spouse.
No where in Dr Harley's recommendations does he discuss the importance of running down the affair partner.

I am sorry but you are delusional. If he works with her, then he is obviously in contact. He sees the OW every day if they work together. You don't understand that in order for your marriage to recover, all contact must end. HE SEES HER EVERY DAY. He remains in the fog as long as contact continues.

And yes, you can move. You harm your son by continuing this contact because your marriage is in serious jeopardy even though you don't recognize it.


That is cute and winsome but has NOTHING TO DO WITH RECOVERY. NOTHING. The FIRST STEP towards recovery is no contact for life with the affair partner. That has not happened. You cannot go to step two until step one is completed. All the cutesy counseling and "daily honesty" is window dressing that will avail you nothing. As long as you place your husbands little job ahead of your marriage, you can kiss your marriage good bye. No recovery. Recovery is impossible.

Check out Dr Harleys quotes and radio link on this subject - I will add that in 12 years on this forum I don't of any marriages that recovered while the affairees were in contact but I know of hundreds of affairs that continued because they ignored this step. If you imagine you can recover while they work at the same place, then you have NO IDEA what you are dealing with: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165224&Number=2570030#Post2570030
How will that be good for your son?

All of this discussion about your family problems is a distraction from the REAL PROBLEM. The Titanic is sinking and you are discussing the price of tea in China. Madam, please wake up.

The best thing that could ever happen to your marriage and your family is for your husband to quit his job and find another in a city far away. That would enable your marriage to recover and it would get you away from his family of origin. But your current situation is a sinking ship and I think you know this. You are using the in-law issues as a distraction because you don't seem to want to face the truth.

My husband's was one of the "hundreds of affairs that continued because...the affair partners worked at the same place". My H's affair was with a client of his company. He travelled from our home in London to Belgium about four days per month, and that is where he met OW and conducted his affair. I had about 6 D Days lasting the 3.5 years of the PA portion of the affair, and then another two or three for the FIVE YEAR (read it and weep) EA portion of the affair. They did not meet in person for the final five years because my H changed jobs in order never to travel again, to keep me in the marriage. However, long loving phone calls continued via his workplace and I only busted these because he was about to retire and sent her an email from our home PC for the first time ever.

The affair only finally finished because he is now fully retired. He is under the watchful eye of my student son and daughter and me, and between the three of us there is always someone at home to know that he isn't taking day-trips to Brussels, or nipping off to a hotel in central London for an afternoon's sex while she travels here.

You have NO IDEA what you are dealing with, and what misery of repeated D Days you are guaranteed to face while they continue to work together. The people here on this forum have been through that misery and we want to spare you what we went through. Wouldn't you like to avoid that?

MelodyLane is cast-iron correct in what she says about your H quitting his job and the whole family moving away. You have to take really drastic measures to recover your marriage from an affair, and to keep the affair partners apart. However poor the house prices are in your area (for selling your own house) or however long a lease you are tied into on a rental property, you can always rent out your house immediately or sublet a rental, or pay the money to break a lease. Have your H hand in his notice today and take leave to the end of the notice period. Put the house on the rental market. Find a town at least 50 miles away and move there. Take any financial loss that this incurs. Take any career loss that this incurs. Your son will be entitled to a place in a new school, even though he has to adjust, but a place can be found.

Do everything possible to move away from your current area and job before you have a nervous breakdown. I am not kidding on this. Keep doing what you are doing and it won't be your H's depression that you have to deal with but your own catastrophic mental health crisis.

The answer is so plainly before you that it's startling you cannot see it for what it is.

You want WH to stand up to SIL, to defend you, your marriage, and all that is decent from her affair-tainted philosophies and opinions. And he won't.

And the reason he won't is that he brain has never gotten the message that what he did was morally, ethically, and spiritually FLAT OUT WRONG. Not....inconvenient, because POSOW was boning four (five?) other men while being serviced by him. Not.....no longer exciting once he'd railed her for as long as he wanted. Not.....superseded by being able to slide back into "happy" married life with his too-understanding BW. But...WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

You need to right the wrong, my friend. You need to fully expose his and her affair to the administration at the Catholic HS they work at. You need to insist, with no negotiations, that he leave that job (Who knows? Maybe after full exposure, that will no longer be his choice!)

When the huge dumper of crap finally lands on him, he may realize the enormity of his transgression, and be able to speak to skank-SIL as sternly as required.

You asked for suggestions. This is mine.

I am so sorry, and I know you don't want to accept it, but your husband must quit that job.

Whether or not "he sees her for what she is" doesn't matter. He's still addicted to her and can't have ANY contact - true no contact.

If you read my story, you will see that my husband also had an affair with another teacher at his specialized school. The affair was "over", yet they still saw/talked to one another and he tried to start it back up years later.

You can't recover until no contact is in place. I wanted us to be an "exception" too, but there is no such thing. My husband quit in December and I'm seeing my real husband emerge.

Please heed the advice given to you. All they want to do is help you save your marriage.

Mustangs,

At the time she was having the affair with him she was living with her partner and actively engaged in 4 other affairs at the same time.

What you are describing is a very calculating person who must be very charming and attractive, even if not physically so, a person like this knows how to create a deep addiction in others for themselves and they work fast. You need to expose this OW to everyone and with luck get HER to quit, do not underestimate you WHs residual feelings for her!

Is your Son in classes with this OW?

I'm really sorry for this, but family cultures which support infidelity are real killers on honest spouses, as I know from dealing with my MILs agony.

God Bless
Gamma