I haven't listened to the clip yet, but if you're a husband looking at an ultra-long term Plan A, go to your doctor and get antidepressants prescribed. You are going to need an even emotional keel.

And next tip: listen to the Marriage Builders radio show daily. There's an untold amount of information you need to understand and follow, and you can't do it without that daily education and encouragement.

If you are in such a situation and don't listen to the radio show daily, there's no point posting on the forum. You might as well just go start a blog.

Here's why: if a man is on board with Marriage Builders and implements it, there is a very good chance his wife will eventually come around.

Keep going, press longer than you think you need, and you will probably make it.

Just be sure that what you are doing is really Marriage Builders, not "Marriage Builders as it exists in my mind." Or "moaning perpetually about problems and calling it Marriage Builders."

OUCH!!!!!

This comment was a disrespectful judgment on your part. It hurts me to even read it.

Comments like this are a major obstacle to intimacy in your marriage.

This is not Plan A. Plan A is to eliminate disrespectful judgments.

Don't try to settle this issue with her for now. It's a minor one compared to getting the two of you in love again. When you are in love again, you'll be able to make a new arrangement you both like.

Meantime, follow this rule: if you want it clean, clean it. If she feels something you are doing (like cleaning) is a problem, let her be the one to bring it up, and then you respond accordingly.


If the intimate emotional needs aren't at the top, that's a typical sign of Withdrawal (go review that in the basic concepts). No worries: do what you can on all fronts. TRY to arrange situations where you can spend time giving each other your undivided attention (no children, distractions, etc., i.e., a date). And meanwhile, work on being healthy and attractive and fit, talking friendly to her whenever possible, supporting the family, etc.

By the way, if intimate conversation is top of the list - that's typical for a woman. Read and review the four friends and four enemies of good conversation daily and practice daily.


She probably means she's committed to remaining married to you and offering you some level of caring love. Nothing wrong with that.

Start a permanent record of Disrespectful Judgments. Use Dr. Harley's worksheet for this from the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook. Any time your wife retreats from conversation or indicates she was upset, try to figure out what your disrespectful judgment was and write it down. Ask here if you need help. Review the worksheets weekly and try to go a whole week without disrespectful judgments.

Listening to your radio show now. BTW, I've had three years of what you might call never ending Plan A.

Except that at first I sucked at most of it.

I've listened.

I reiterate my three most important suggestions:

* See your doctor and get a mild antidepressant prescribed. Tell him your marriage feels hopeless and you need to be able to keep your wits about you to do what you need to do. I said this to my doctor, and apparently a lot of people have said this to him. Dr. Harley usually recommends Wellbutrin as having a minimum of side-effects. You don't need a therapist for this; just your regular MD.

* Start listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily. Become a PhD-level expert in Marriage Builders. Learn the official recommendation for Marriage Builders in every situation.

* Start keeping track of your disrespectful judgments. Get the Marriage Builders workbook and make a copy of the disrespectful judgments worksheet for each week, and start filling it out for each time you slip up.

Did you read what you wrote here? She refuses to have fun with you yet invited you to go have some fun. What's wrong with spending time with her and her friends? That doesn't count as UA time but it may deposit some love units. And in return maybe she'd want to spend more time with you ... true UA time.

How is your UA time? Have you tried to brainstorm ideas with her so you can spend my quality time together. From your own statement I'm guessing she'd like to spend some time with you ... you just have to find something you two like to do together and do it ALOT!!!