I hear you. I listened to all the Anger Management stuff on here and enrolled in a class that will start soon. I did learn nothing can MAKE me mad. I'm growing in this area, but I have used the anger in the past to get my dumb way and it is a behavior that has to be challenged and changed as I grow.

My wife and I tried that, and she started chatting with one of my FB friends and became attracted to him. No, I don't believe it suffices.

You and me, both! You will be a lot happier when you learn to kill that anger habit.

But she is looking at pictures of OM. This alone will keep her in the fog.

She will still be able to look at pictures of OM even if you have a joint account. Joint accounts are not the safety net that people assume they are -- I had my EA on Facebook ON a joint account with Markos, and was able to hide it from him.

Facebook needs to be blocked if she is looking at his page.

DBD,

One of my frustrations with my husband was that he was "too conservative" too. He wanted to talk about God, the Bible, Christianity, missions and doctrine almost all the time because that is his passion. I don't mind talking about that for a little bit, but I wanted fun and freedom too.

It sounds like you are going to be okay. But here are a couple things I like to do from the "fun and freedom" side. Maybe you could find a few of these things to do on a date and that would make your wife want to laugh and talk more.

1. We went to the circus a few weeks ago. Yep. I loved it. Struck up some interesting conversations about what it might be like to grow up in the circus, circus life etc.

2. Read a book together (NOT some religion book....)and then talk about it. He listened to the audio book on the way to work. I prefer to read the "old fashioned" way.

3. Look around your area churches for a Christian Comedian coming some evening. You know it won't be raunchy and it will make her (and you ! ) laugh.

4. Take a picnic supper to the park and people-watch. Make up stories about what the people are talking about. Sympathize with the parents whose toddlers are "hell on 2 feet" and remember when you were in that phase of life...and laugh about all the mistakes you made. Swing on the swings while you are there---and jump off if you're brave enough.

5. Get a (clean) joke book from the library. Take it to dinner with you .

These might sound stupid or silly to you, but maybe it will help bring some cheer and laughter to your dates, and lighten your loads for a little bit.

Best wishes to you,
Freedom

Holy smoke folks that have helped a lot and posted--sorry I've been gone for a month.

Was doing my best daily try and love and improve stuff and suddenly got a crazy bug infection in my brain after working on my pool lines that freaking dang near killed me and knocked me out for a week then 3 crazy weeks recovering on IVs.

Still working slowly on my marriage. I have some brain injury/loss issues but i am trying stuff to recover as I can. Forgot a lot of acronyms.

My wife is trying to stay and grow. She still loves the other guy a lot and does not know how to stop loving him. She refuses to do all the minor things I have asked to officially end things and break all contact--just says don't worry it is over. No evidence of contact.

She uses some language about how wrong it was and can't believe she fell, but there as been no verbal repentance or promise yet. Occasional tears and saying sorry, but also words about how she is ticked at me for ruining it and how she can't stop loving the guy.

Neither of them totally ended things--they both say I did it by threatening the guys life so much by how I am wired and think. I never said anything plainly like that--they assumed it.

Oh, I have to run right now, but I have a few questions about the best actions to take next given where things lie. You all have helped much in the past and I am still working on things and we are still hanging on at 60 to 65% I'd estimate.

Took me a long time to remember my password and stuff here do to my head injury--try to catch this again soon--gotta go.

Good heavens, DBD! I am so sorry to hear about your injury, and glad you are all right!

Is there any chance you can move? That might be a great way of getting your wife away from the guy so she can sober up.

My head just ain't right, the virus hit me right in the middle of my new job training--trying to get trained and get a new income rolling since I resigned from my church ministry when the affair began--big weird bumps in the road from a dang mosquito infection in my ear. Crazy weird timing and effects.

No evidence of any contact with the other man still. My wife has brief episodes of honesty and says it was not my fault, she fell in love with the guy, it needs to end, but she will literally cry and say she can not turn the love off or stop the love for this guy.

She wonders what to do to lose the feelings of love for the other guy. I really don't know what advice to give???

I have no evidence of ongoing contact. She texted the guy while I was in the hospital, but I see no responses from the guy anyplace.

Any advice on what to do now? She expresses a willingness to work out our love and relationship, but she lacks knowledge on how to kill the emotions for the other guy. She sort of admits it was a poor choice, but won't really admit it was a sin, bad, or speak much about sorry or true repentance.

I'd love and ideas or advice on how to keep moving forward. I read 4 books before the illness but can remember so little following all the brain swellage etc.

You and this site has helped so much over the last 4 months. Thanks for any input, prayers, advice, and ideas.

Sorry to her about your ill health.

NC means not texting, even if OM didn't reply texting him can trigger those feelings.

I haven't read all your thread, so sorry if you have posted this already, are you and WW with the coaching centre? If not this is worth considering.

I think her affair is very much alive and ongoing

You might consider showing her the Basic Concepts here (not the forum). That should show her how to kill the feelings for the other guy: cut contact with him, and allow you to make love bank deposits so she will feel in love with you.

Give her a copy of Surviving an Affair.

Hmmm, I've tried to get her to read the book but she just has zero interest and it sits by her stuff.

I'm trying to read Love Busters now.

Recap, I followed all sorts of tasks from the book and advice on here. The other guy broke it off but said it was fear of me injuring him and his family.

My wife believes affair is over, says lots of negative things about him and what happened, but also says she resents the fact that I ruined it all--sort of a mixed response. She believes I scared the guy off.

I see a slow ongoing change of how she feels toward him--turning more and more negative all the time. She has cried more the last month. Stuff is going on inside and I feel pretty sure that has been zero conversation for about 2 months now.

She wants to get a counselor now. I have taken her to 3 gals but all were Christians and she complains about all they say is to believe and trust Jesus. They don't, but she has a problem with it all. I am afraid to send her to any regular counselor because I feel that 75% of them will tell her to just move out and leave me.

Anyone know of any good counselors that follow this site kind of thinking in the Phoenix area?

Thanks for help. I see slow progress. Hoping for a big break thru soon. This site has help humongously.

You could always try Harley, he does phone counseling. It wouldn't be individual counseling per se, but this being withdrawal, he would have good advice.

I'm sorry buddy but you cannot trust that she will have NC with the OM. Even if he ended it she will have the withdrawal and will "crave" him so much that even texting with no answer, calling with no answer or seeing him at a glance can fill that need and screw up her recovery from the fog. Until she is finally recovered (an maybe even after) she will always think there is a chance he will come back and she will try and make it happen, hence her texting him. I know its hard to believe but my WW actually admitted she just wanted to see the OM pass (just to make sure he is ok because she worries about him). She still needed that fix like an addict. Its sad and hard to understand from a rational person's perspective but its the truth.

I would simply set up phone counseling with Steve Harley or Dr. Jennifer Chalmers. They'll guide you through your best path of recovery and get your W on board with the materials/principals/etc.

The phone counseling is convenient, extremely effective if you're both serious about recovery and change. They are a little on the spendy side but my W and I found it very, very worthwhile (no infidelity on our side though).

Holy crud, never thought I'd make it 11 months. This site and good advise on here helped hugely.

Weird slow hard crap still. 1% improvement per month I'd say. Would love to see a big breakthrough instead of 80 or so more months of crazy slow progress...but no bad backsliding or regression...so far.

This site and people here truly helped immensely--both my marriage and prevention of violent crime off my end.

Again, had to leave the Pastorate and start a new career--busy as heck these days. Major brain injury from encephalitis virus that makes me run and remember so much slower now--wife of 24 years sees that too.

So...anybody got fresh ideas or inputs on how to keep nudging things forward?

Broke as heck with brain injury, new career, and loss of production during hospitalization and recovery, so there ain't a lot of excess money to blow but it seems there were some good ideas of things to plan and do from guys and gals that have been through this crud before--would love to see or hear of some ideas on how to keep nudging things forward and together.

But even beyond all that, I seriously wanted to get back on here and say a very sincere thank you to those early contributors that nudged me forward and helped so immensely--thank you--been such a hard [censored] for so many years it humbles me to write like this now and start to tear up.

DBD, I'm glad you are back and surviving your injury - has your wife stayed out of contact with the OM?

Long story, but OM broke things off...I confronted him face to face on his front lawn...he wasn't a worthless random womanizer I don't think...just needed ample motivation to truly break things off.

Wife has never complied with 9 of the 10 barriers/protective suggestions on here but has not reconnected...or shown any signs of reconnecting.

In my genuine non BS opinion, the wife is making slow progress...est 1% per month or so. So we should have a good solid relationship within the next 8 years or maybe she will just leave and go see how awesome life is out there.

She is open and honest about inner struggles. Says she wants to forget and move on, but weird crud persists deep inside. 2 times now I figured I was fresh out of love and she could just go, but after she move out both times I quickly realized the love bank had ample reserve funds in it.

She does not look for others but resents me for scaring the other awesome man off.

Are you spending 20 hours a week of UA time together?