I have been married for 9 months. My wife and I have been together for 5 years now. About a month ago she told me that she feels that the spark in our relationship is gone for her and that she doesn't believe that it can be fixed. She says that she has felt this way for along time and has been trying to fix it on her own and he is exhausted. She wants a divorce. I have been completly blind sided.we have been trying to have children for a few months now and now it switches to divorce? My first thought is she has to be cheating. Of course she denies. She doesn't want to try to fix it with me. We have had very little contact. She left the house to stay with her parents and for some reason will not talk with me about any of our problems. I know she doesn't like confrontation and i believe she has trouble expressing any negatives about me or our relationship. We have never really fought. Just small arguements. We really aren't fighting now. When we talk we are very calm even though I'm extremely frustrated. We have built a very good life together and i thought we were happily married. I honestly thought we had it all going for us. Many people did. Our family and friends are all as suprised as i am. Just dont know how to get through to her anymore. She will not talk to me. I dont know what to do at this point. She knows i love her and that i will do what it takes to save or marraige. Ive been trying to do it alone and realize i just cant save it by myself. Can anyone help me?

Welcome to MB.

Have you snooped to see if there is an Affair? Don't bothering asking because she will lie.

Have you checked phone records?

Install a GPS and VAR in her car. If you can get access to her computer, put a keylogger on it.

WWs predictably hook up with scumbuckets falling into the following categories:

- Coworkers
- Old boyfriends
- Affiliates with children (coaches, trainers, teachers, parents of classmates)
- Recreational companions (fellow gym members, runners, online gamers)

Search your memory and target the most likely partner from these groups. Snoop from BOTH ends.

BTW: Do not let slip your suspicions (OUR certainties). Continue to act the devoted husband wanting to "make nice" to lull her into sloppy errors.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. this is, no doubt, one of the worst things you'll ever go through in your life.

The vets will be along shortly, like the cavalry, to point you in the right direction.

Please listen to their advice, as they've been in your position.

So sorry you are going through this. I can completely relate. My W of 15 years had an A and it was the most painful experience of my life (still is 2 years later).


Whatever you are facing, MB can turn this M around! Yes, it can resolve all your problems and create a M you never thought possible.


Are you familiar with all the information on this site? Start there.


Are you familiar with Plan A?

1) Snoop like all get out. Does she have FB? Snoop everything you can without her finding out. Hire a PI if you have to.


2) What would she really say was the main problem in your relationship? Starting today..never commit another LB. Try dating her again like when you first met. Try your best to eliminate all behvior that she would consider unattractve. Become the husband she always wanted!

Then, once you figure out if there is someone else in her life or not, come back here and get the next steps.

edit: order HNHN and LB's today if you can.

Please read this. Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

BB,
These are classic signs that your wife is having an affair. The script don't lie. We are sorry you are experiencing this. You have found in this forum a great place for support and advice to effectively fight for your marriage.

As others have said, be a spy. Secretly find out what's going on with her. Put a VAR and gps in her car. If you can put spyware on her phone and computer. Follow her around and hire a PI if you can afford one.

Once you have gathered evidence, you have to expose the affair and go into what is called Plan A.

Dr. Harley says:

" If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.

Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.

The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.

In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html


Another link on Plan A and B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I'm really happy with the speedy replies. I don't have a lot of time because I'm currently at work. I will get back on here this evening. I will add that I have been snooping. I do not have access to our computer right now because she took it. I tried to crack her passwords with no success. I think she has changed all of them. I haven't tried the the GPS but have been checking her whereabouts. She always seems to be at her parents house when I check. I have discussed my suspicions with both her and and our families. I want to know the truth. I have to know. I will do whatever it takes to find out.I just feel like I'm running out of options. How can I let her know that I'm trying to fix things if she can't see it. Its hard when there is no contact. Thanks everyone. I will be back this evening.

You're not running out of options; you just need to be crafty with your investigation.

Check her facebook for comments, or likes, from men. If you see a pattern, you may be on to something.

Many affairs start in the workplace. This is most likely where she is conducting her affair.

If her vehicle is always at her parents home, she may be conducting her affair during working hours. Put a GPS on her car. If she has OnStar, activate the GPS function. If you can gain access to her vehicle, place a VAR, or voice activated recorder, out of plain sight.

You're just starting your journey. Pay great attention to what the vets tell you to do; they won't lead you astray.

Here. Put this on her vehicle ASAP.

GPS Units

BeenBetter,

Is there anyone you can think of that your W spoke about admiringly, warmly, enthusiasticly or sympatheticly in the past two years? Perhaps someone at work who is going through a divorce.

If your W is like mine she might make comments about someone she feels a mild tingling of guilt about her relationship with. For example last week I shot down my Ws request to "help" a husband of one of her friends who is divorcing.

God Bless
Gamma

I just received a message from my wife. The first one in weeks. She wants to know of I can make time in the next couple of days to talk to her about the divorce and how to split things up. We do not have children just assets. House , cars, etc.. How should I handle this? She has been splitting the finances since she left moved her money, taken her name off bills, things like that. I have been doing things to protect myself also. How should I respond? She I meet her or ignore her? I'm not sure what to do?

Gamma, I can't really think of anyone in particular as far as clues. But I do have a suspicion. But at this point its still speculation.

You may get different responses here.

Because your wife is not being transparent with you, I would not cooperate with her right now. You simply don't have all the facts, and making a divorce easy for her doesn't make sense, especially since you intend to fight for your marriage. I would tell her that you are not ready to work with her on ending the marriage, but that you are willing to work with her to fix the problems that have made her unhappy and fall out of love.

I would also contact an attorney if you haven't already so that you are protected legally.

beenbetter,

Simple question, did she ever say "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

God Bless
Gamma

I would tell her that you won't be discussing divorce. Any discussion about divorce will have to go through your lawyers. The only thing you will discuss with her is the plan to restore love to your marriage.

And you need to lawyer up if you haven't already, but don't tell her you're getting one.

beenbetter, I'm going to suggest something you might not want to hear. I'm going to suggest you cut her loose.

You haven't been together very long. (Five years is a blip.) You have been married for less than a year. You have no children.

I am going to suggest that you cut yourself loose from a woman who is obviously a 'renter,' not a 'buyer' in marriage. She has obviously set her sights on someone else (BTW, what a pity that her parents allowed her immediate re-entry into their home instead of supporting you and your marriage to their daughter. )

I think you could do better.

Before you respond to her, I would suggest you retain a lawyer to make sure your interests are protected. After that, let her know that you have retained an attorney and that he will be in contact with HER attorney. Get her attorney's name and number. Don't meet with her to discuss the division of your community property. Let the attorneys handle it.

I have considered all of these options. I just haven't picked one. I know that I need to get an a attorney or at least talk with one. I asked her in one conversation what her ideas were on a divorce because obviously she has been thinking about it. She said she didn't want the house. I know things can change but if she sticks to that I'm not sure I want to get lawyers involved. Considering we don't have any kids and our biggest asset is our house. About a week ago I was determined to let her go and even got a divorce packet to fill out. When I started going through the documents I decided that I wasn't the one who wanted this and I really do still love her. I not completely sure that we can overcome this but I know that I would regret not trying. I feel like our love is worth fighting for. I have not responded to her yet. I hate that I have to talk to her over a text. I take that very disrespectful.