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I'm asking this question because my husband will have been seeing the OW two years this summer. He was seeing her about 1.3 years this past October(when he left me for her) and is still seeing her today. This means it will be 2 years this summer they have been having their affair.
He keeps in contact with me through e-mail during the week. I only talk business with him and keep it very short. It's hard to go full no contact because we own a business. He doesn't like minimal contact and wants us to be friendly and would like to even come by the house if I let him, but I don't.
I guess my question should have really been this....Is it different for them now that their affair is out in the open and they are with each other full time now for the last 8 months verses before when their affair was hidden for almost a year?
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Some never come out of the fog. It would require too much introspection about what pain they have really caused.
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 06/16/13 08:59 PM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The fog lasts as long as the affair lasts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Some never come out of the fog. It would require too much introspection about what pain they have really caused. The fog lasts as long as the affair lasts. These seem to be talking about different things. I thought the fog was caused by being in romantic love. That would mean that ML's definition is the most precise. Since the state of romantic love is the result of large love bank balances, then the fog is not something one can choose to keep around. HPB's examples are people who are lying to themselves to protect themselves. They might have started out foggy, but they have evolved into protector liars.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Some never come out of the fog. It would require too much introspection about what pain they have really caused. The fog lasts as long as the affair lasts. These seem to be talking about different things. I thought the fog was caused by being in romantic love. That would mean that ML's definition is the most precise. Since the state of romantic love is the result of large love bank balances, then the fog is not something one can choose to keep around. HPB's examples are people who are lying to themselves to protect themselves. They might have started out foggy, but they have evolved into protector liars. MrE, They are both accurate statements! Affairs are about fantasies.... Affairs are about living in the dark/fog.... Affairs are lies.... Affairs are selfish.... The fog is not about "romantic Love". If it were then Dr. H's program about Romantic Love would be a foggy program....
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I am thinking out loud here, but I think they are both right. I gave the most general answer. And let explain why. The fog is a symptom of most addictions. You will see the exact same fog in people who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling.
What causes the fog is the necessity of changing one's core values instead of one's behavior. In order to justify bad behavior, of any type, I have to concoct bizarre rationalizations. I have to lie to myself about the reasons I am wayward.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fog is not about "romantic Love". If it were then Dr. H's program about Romantic Love would be a foggy program.... But it is!... You are in the fog with whoever you are in love with. In the context of a healthy marriage, it is a wonderful thing.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I can usually tell when someone is corrupt in their personal lives based on a foggy outlook on life. This is just my personal theory, but I think that people who say things like "there is no black and white, there are gray, foggy areas" are in the fog. They are accurately describing a foggy worldview. And why is a person foggy? Because they need to adjust their perspective, rather than their behavior.
A side note, it has always amused me when a person tells me that everything is "gray" for them. To me, that is an admission of foggy thinking and I no longer take the person seriously.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fog is not about "romantic Love". If it were then Dr. H's program about Romantic Love would be a foggy program.... But it is!... You are in the fog with whoever you are in love with. In the context of a healthy marriage, it is a wonderful thing. I differentiate romantic love from the fog. I have very strong romantic feelings for my husband - along the lines of infatuation even. But I don't consider that the fog. I have been in the fog, and it was when I was doing something corrupt. That is why I think cheaters are in a fog.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fog is all passion with no logic. That's the nature of addiction: a strong craving for something that is ultimately harmful.
Several kinds of addictions come to mind quickly: food, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and, of course, adultery.
We know the object of our addiction is harmful, but in order to get our fix, we change our values to match our behavior. So that makes it "right" in our own mind, even when it's entirely illogical.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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The fog is all passion with no logic. That's the nature of addiction: a strong craving for something that is ultimately harmful. AGree with this and I think you hit on an important note: addiction. The fog is usually connected to an addiction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're in the fog when you can't see clearly.
Having an affair (and staying in it) is the epitome of being in the fog, because the person in the fog meets his or her visceral desires at the cost of those things that are most valued and treasured. They make decisions that are based on not seeing clearly the consequences of their choice.
How many waywards say, "I need to be happy." They're decision-making is based solely on that need, and not on the need to preserve their family, their vows, and their reputation.
Making a morally depraved decision is not seeing clearly.
Shattering one's families is not seeing clearly.
Breaking one's vows to God and one's spouse is not seeing clearly.
Hurting the ones who love you most is not seeing clearly.
One stays in the fog for as long as one sticks to the bad choices that got one there.
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Meoldylane,
How long did your Wayward's PA affair last and did he leave you for the OW? Does DH mean divorced husband? Does that mean you divorced him and you got back together? I'm trying to get some ideas (about their situation) from the people who converse with me on this forum. It would really help me. Thanks
Last edited by Barbie631; 06/17/13 12:29 PM.
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Meoldylane,
How long did your Wayward's PA affair last and did he leave you for the OW? Does DH mean divorced husband? Does that mean you divorced him and you got back together? I'm trying to get some ideas (about their situation) from the people who converse with me on this forum. It would really help me. Thanks DH=Darling/Dear Husband Acronyms and Abbreviations
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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