The advantage of your employers knowing the identity of the OM is that they can know his nature, that he has proven he will have an A with a married woman, which can negatively impact their business. (I am assuming there are other women where you work.)
Best they know about the "toad in the hole".

You are correct that the OM's GF (girlfriend) should be told. This affects her life, too. Any ideas as to how you might locate her? How about professional data bases (I.e., if she is a lawyer, you can do a search for lawyers in your area through the bar association.)?

I have been reading Exposure 101 and have some questions.

Do my step sons, who are 9 and 13 need to know? (BH do not have any other children, his sons are with us EOWE)

To expose via FB, are we talking all 100+ contacts? And obviously BH would have to handle that himself, right? I can't go near OM's page!!!

What about OM's ex-wife, with whom he has 3 daughters? ( incidentally he told me they were divorced because he caught her cheating on him...hmmmm)

NSN,

Do my step sons, who are 9 and 13 need to know?

If they were your biological YES, since they are BHs it's his call and he may want to if he needs to explain why he divorced you.

Did your BHs exW cheat on him?

What about OM's ex-wife, with whom he has 3 daughters? ( incidentally he told me they were divorced because he caught her cheating on him...hmmmm)

Men lie to create sympathy on the part of the women they are seducing, I would speak to her, they create an image of a monster of an exW or girlfriend. Whenever I hear a guy using some form of this pickup story I want to puke.

Is this OM much older than you?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma

No, there was no cheating in BH's previous relationship.

Does OM's ex-wife need to know as part of the exposure, or because this may actually be part of a pattern that she should be aware he is continuing in light of the fact they have three daughters together? (I would want to know if my children's father were a serial philanderer!) It's just that I really don't know that he ever cheated on her. I do know, however, and I just thought of this, that he has slept with another married woman before me. She ended leaving her H, then leaving OM too to be with someone else's WH! Whom she is now engaged to. What a disgusting mess I let myself become involved with.

OM is not older than I am. We are very close to the same age and are pretty close to equals professionally as well. He did not take advantage of my na�vet�, just my stupidity.

It has been 8 days since I was alone with OM.

It has been 8 days since I broke BH 's heart when he discovered what was written in my journal.

It has been it has been 4 1/2 days since I last laid eyes on OM.

It has been 41 hours since OM would have received my final letter, and there has been zero communication between us.

I have 10 days before I am supposed to see him at work again, and 10 days to figure out how to make sure that never happens.

Every minute I spend with BH makes OM seem more and more like a distant memory. There was a time I could not imagine never seeing him again. Now I will do whatever it takes to make sure I don't.

I have a long, long way to go, but I am so much farther than ever expected to be by
now.

I know how crucial ZERO contact is to prevent a relapse. I know that even seeing him for a second will, at best, put me right back at Day 1 of the withdrawal, and at worst, send me back into the insanity of the addiction.

BH is my hero for finding this site and for being willing to stay in our marriage despite the pain I've caused him.

Never;

You have come a long way in 8 days.

Your old marriage is destroyed, but the good news is you and NSN13sBH can build one that is better than ever before, better than you ever imagined. THAT is how you will overcome the pain, for both of you.

You can do this.

There is a lot of emphasis in this post on the OM, to the point that it sounds like you are caressing those memories of him.

Stop being poetic about how long it's been since you've seen OM and talked to OM. This will not help you in your recovery.

What your husband needs from you, and what this board needs to see, is action. What actions are you taking, right now, to meet your husband's EN and to help him heal?

You're not very far at all. 41 hours is NOT a long time by any stretch of the imagination. Don't be patting yourself on the back just yet. You've got longer to go than you realize, and it's likely to get harder before it gets easier.

You are counting the days since you saw the POS who helped you destroy your husband, marriage, and self respect??? What the heck?

Get that POS out of your head. Go create happy things with your husband to think about.

You are completely correct, 41 hours is damn pathetic. It is only my consciousness of how weak I still am that has me marking off these milestones. Someday I want to be able to say 41 YEARS.

My struggle is, and why I am still reaching out to what is understandably a somewhat skeptical, even hostile community for someone who has done what I have done, is that I have yet to convince my BH that we even need to follow this plan. I needed you all to convince him that ZERO contact means NEW JOB. (Thank you again for helping on that.)

He won't agree to monitor my phone or computer unless I do something "suspicious." My own counselor told me that wanting to save my marriage should be motivation enough to keep me from relapsing even if I had to see OM at work.

This forum is the only place I can find people who really understand just how weak I am, and back me up when I beg BH not to trust me. Without your adamant response to my post yesterday, BH would still think I could see OM at work, and I may have eventually given up trying to convince him.

I need you all to remind me every day how important it is to follow these principles if I want to save my marriage. To remind me that OM is a TOAD and a scumbag, and that any feelings I had for him were sick delusions.

If there is a thread somewhere for WW who want more than anything to compensate for our betrayals and need all the support we can get not to compound the pain we have already caused, I will gladly join it.

Here is what you guys want, then; get it straight from the expert:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

Pokerface,

I am counting the days that I have not seen or contacted OM because every day is a step farther away from the POS that I now realize he is.

These days are the only accomplishments I can claim in the fight to save and repair the marriage I very nearly destroyed. I realize that they are pathetic and meaningless to all of you, but every day I can do it encourages me that I CAN do this, I CAN beat the addiction, I CAN get stronger. I CAN make sure nothing like this ever, ever, ever happens again.

What actions are you taking, right now, to meet your husband's EN and to help him heal? This was not a rhetorical question.

Stop trying to educate your husband. It's not your place to do so, and it is very disrespectful for you to try.

You know you can't see OM again. You don't need to educate your husband about that. Quit your job.

Then sign up for the online program. You will be given an accountability coach to guide you through the program, and will have direct access to Dr. Harley on the private forum. You can't ask for better help than that.

It's not that these days are pathetic or meaningless (FWW here, btw). It's that you are focusing on the wrong thing. Stop thinking of OM. Your new marriage does not need to be based on how many days it's been since you've seen him.

What ACTIONS are you taking to help your husband heal? What ACTIONS are you taking to recover your marriage?

Anybody can x off a day on the calendar.

I realize that Never but stop it. Stop looking back and start to look forward. Start building new memories with your husband.

Get that POSOM out of your head. I am on your side.

Have you seen this?
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Thank you very much. There is so much good info on this site it can get overwhelming, and I had not found this yet. Will get on that pronto.

I am spending every minute I am not at work with him. I am showing him the affection he says he has missed. I am engaging with his children like I promised I would when I married him. I am listening to what he says about anything and everything, and showing him that I respect his opinion by not arguing and by taking his advice. I am reading everything on this site and taking notes so I can begin implementing MB ASAP. I made emergency appointments with my counselor and Dr and confessed everything, because this was one of the first things BH asked of me when he agreed to try and reconcile. I also called and confessed to a longtime friend, because he asked me to, even though she was the last person I wanted to know the shameful
truth. I am being proactive about addressing my depression because he is tired of me being depressed. I am brainstorming with him about activities we can start doing together and have started doing them. I spent a few hours working in my garden because he says he misses my doing that and the garden was sorely neglected. I tell him I love him every chance I get. I text him from work. I keep him apprised of my location at all times. I offer only encouragement as he looks for a job. Basically I'm doing everything I can think of and everything he asks me to. And am open to suggestions.

What are his top ENs

We have spent the past week talking about our relationship and the MB program. To be honest we haven't written actual lists of our ENs, but from our discussion I know he needs affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, domestic support, and family commitment.