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I've been in a relationship with my husband for the past 7 years and have been married to him for 1 of those 7 years. I recently engaged in a two month long internet relationship with a complete stranger. At the time I felt that the attention I received from that person was better then the lack of attention from my husband. That relationship has ended and I am on the path to repairing my marriage with my husband. I realize the damage that I have done and am ready to face the consequences of my actions. I want nothing more then to show my husband that I want to improve our marriage and that I am here to stay, that he is the one I want, the one I love. I want to take away the pain I have caused him and move forward, which is far easier said then done. Obviously any form of infidelity is difficult to recover from but I was hoping to read some stories or hear suggestions from people who have had similar situations and how they were able to overcome it. Thank you for your time.
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I encourage you to tell your husband EVERYTHING. Also get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Willard Harley
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elizzy,
Whatever you do, do not trickle truth your BH, get it all out at once, in the long term the lies hurt more than what you actually did.
Don't minimize, if you sent body part photos to the OM don't say you sent only face photos.
God Bless Gamma
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I've been in a relationship with my husband for the past 7 years and have been married to him for 1 of those 7 years.
I recently engaged in a two month long internet relationship with a complete stranger. At the time I felt that the attention I received from that person was better then the lack of attention from my husband.
That relationship has ended and I am on the path to repairing my marriage with my husband. I realize the damage that I have done and am ready to face the consequences of my actions.
I want nothing more then to show my husband that I want to improve our marriage and that I am here to stay, that he is the one I want, the one I love. I want to take away the pain I have caused him and move forward, which is far easier said then done.
Obviously any form of infidelity is difficult to recover from but I was hoping to read some stories or hear suggestions from people who have had similar situations and how they were able to overcome it. Thank you for your time. I took the liberty of separating your post into paragraphs to make it easier to follow. What has been the reaction of your H? Is he willing to work with you on recovering your marriage? The first thing you would have to agree with is writing a letter of No Contact to the OM (Other Man.) You would write it, and your husband would approve it. If the only way you have ever contacted this OM is through email, then send it by email. After sending the email, get rid of that email account, so he can't contact you ever again. You will need to close off all means of communication with OM and make it impossible for him to communicate with you. You will need to agree to: Transparency and integrated lifestyle: share all passwords, exchange phones immediately at any time you ask, account for all time and money spent; no nights apart; answer all questions your husband has about your affair. Extraordinary Precautions that your husband creates and are non-negotiable. They are instituted to keep this from ever happening again. These are YOUR boundaries to protect your husband AND you from being in an unsafe marriage. To start with: no OS friendships EVER. Since your affair was over the Internet, your husband should have control over the computer, perhaps with a password that only he would know. You would only log on when he's in the room with you. Some people have gotten rid of their computer completely. Marital recovery the MB way isn't about forgiveness; it's about providing Just Compensation. MB has a great plan to restore the romantic love in your marriage, guaranteed 100%, if BOTH spouses follow it. The recovered marriage must be a lot better than the pre-A marriage. Using MB, following all the steps, will result in a passionate, romantic, SAFE marriage. Your husband should also expose your affair. Everyone who is important in your lives should know about it. This will provide valuable support to your husband and accountability to you.
Married 1980 DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you to all for some insight. Some of your suggestions I have already followed and will continue to do so and there were also some that I hadn't considered yet but will follow through with. I meet OM through a gaming app on my cell phone. We never met, we never spoke on the phone. I have ended any contact with the OM through text while my husband was standing there. I blocked incoming and outgoing calls and texts from his number I even gave the OM's number so he could text him and say what he needed to. I did withhold a lot of the details in the beginning but slowly piece by piece they have been told. I think I was afraid that if I revealed all of my wrongs at once that he would be overwhelmed an ask me to leave. Last night I did finally give the last details (I pray I don't have more hit me but my mind has been overloaded recently) and I'm afraid it has left us more broken then the beginning.
I don't deserve my husband. What I did was un excusable. The lowest of the low. I'm frustrated because he believes the fact that I was able to do that to him, that I don't and never did love him. You don't do those things to people you love. And maybe he is right but I can't believe it. I love him. I will do ANYTHING to make this through to the other side with him next to me. I'm so broken for the pain and hurt I cause him, I caused us.
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Last night I did finally give the last details (I pray I don't have more hit me but my mind has been overloaded recently) As a BS, I will tell you that is not very convincing elizzy and not believable. Give your BH a written timeline of your affair. Have your BH give you a list of questions and answer them. Then take a poly to prove your honesty. Ditch your phone for a dumb phone with no apps or texting. Implement all the EP's previously posted to you...all of them.
ME: BW HIM: FWH Married 18 yrs DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
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I meet OM through a gaming app on my cell phone.
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I will do ANYTHING to make this through to the other side with him next to me. Then you will get a dumb phone to replace the one you have. No more gaming online, or any other social media. This is an EP that you must strictly follow.
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Already ditched the smart phone. Bought a used ancient flip phone on ebay with no apps. no internet.
I'm new to this. Can someone please clarify the definition of EP BS and BH? thank you
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EP - Extraordinary Precaution BS - Betrayed Spouse BH - Betrayed Husband
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-----<SNIP> ----- I'm frustrated because he believes the fact that I was able to do that to him, that I don't and never did love him. You don't do those things to people you love. And maybe he is right but I can't believe it. I love him. I will do ANYTHING to make this through to the other side with him next to me. I'm so broken for the pain and hurt I cause him, I caused us. We are ALL wired to have an affair under the right conditions. I thought exactly the same as your betrayed husband. Dr. Harley told me that my husband could be trusted under certain conditions and not under others. It's the same thing for me, even though I have always been faithful, most likely because I have always instinctively kept precautions. Under the right conditions, I could have had an affair. Under the right conditions, your husband could have had an affair. Your husband may have neglected your need for intimate conversation; this was no excuse for you to have an affair, but having an unmet need can make it easier to have it met outside the marriage. Even if ALL your needs were/are being met within your marital relationship, you and your H still always must keep strict boundaries in place to keep others from meeting your most intimate emotional needs. Be sure and answer ALL the questions your H has and do it completely, without holding back any of the truth. Trickle-truth is incredibly damaging. When all his questions have been answered to his satisfaction, the subject needs to be closed and restoration of the marriage begun.
Married 1980 DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Elizzy,
Last night I did finally give the last details (I pray I don't have more hit me but my mind has been overloaded recently)
Make sure he knows that you have told him all you remember, but that if you recall more you will let him know, but that you are not intentionally holding anything back. There is a good chance he will tell you that he thinks he has enough truth and is willing to move on.
God Bless Gamma
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I had a texting/picture emotional affair for two months. It ended the day I came home with my husband present. I have come clean on questions asked.
Husband wants me to show and invest as much time into him as did the other person. I feel I've been making a true effort. Affection, notes, gifts, bringing out old photos and notes to each other to remind him of our love.
He wants bigger and better and feels cheated that our special bond was shared by me with someone else. That our love and marital bond (secrets, stories, feelings) is wasted now with no meaning.
How do I show him and make him feel my love and that he is so much more then the other person ever was to me?
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Elizzy86,
Did you expose what went on to the OMW? Make amends to the other person you harmed?
God Bless Gamma
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What does OMW mean? And make amends to the person I had the affair with?
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Elizzy
Other mans wife, or the other persons girl friend OMGF.
God Bless Gamma
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As far as I know there was no other woman. That's what I was told.
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Elizzy,
Men lie, have your BH do some research on this OM.
God Bless Gamma
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Threads merged. Please stay on one thread to help posters help you.
ToujoursMB@gmail.com
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Lizzy, first, please stick to a single thread so that we don't have to hunt around for the various parts of your story.
First, if I understand correctly from your other thread, you've given your husband the name & contact info for the other man. It's now up to your husband to decide whether he wants to research or engage with the other man, and is not your business for you to be pushing your husband to research (or not research) the other man. Your husband deserves not to be pushed in any direction by you right now. Offer him info he wants if you've got it & if he wants it.
Also: If I read your other thread correctly, you say you've blocked incoming and outgoing calls and texts to your phone from the other man's number. A positive step, but not good enough. You could just unblock him someday, and your husband knows this. You need to go an extra mile & change your number altogether, to one that the other man doesn't know. You do this to help your husband's peace of mind. (If you communicated with the other man by e-mail, then you change that address, too.) If you resist this step because of the 'hassle' it'll be to inform your legitimate contacts of your new numbers, then that'll be a sign to your husband that you aren't all that serious about protecting his feelings. Divorce is a hassle. Changing your phone number? Not so much.
You need to be transparent, because this whole non-transparent, secret second-life aspect is what allowed you to cultivate this emotional relationship, which I suspect you'd never have entered into in the first place if it had all been out in the open where your husband could've seen it.
Finally, you need to have a plan to be spending time with your husband on a regular basis. Gifts, cards, and similar such affirmations are important, but the biggest gift you can give him (besides honesty & transparency) is to make yourself available to him, and cultivate a habit of making yourselves available to one another. When you've got your head up an electronic device, you aren't investing in your marriage, aren't making youself available to him, and you aren't giving him your undivided attention. Why shouldn't he want more & better than what you had before the internet infidelity? The marriage you had before obviously wasn't good enough; give him more & better. A better marriage than before needs to be the goal, for both of you.
Do a search, and read, on this site, everything you can about the concept of "Unidvided Attention."
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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