My wife and I are from India but we live in Missouri. We got married in 1998. Both of us work as software engineers. I am a federal government employee and my wife is a federal government contractor.

We have two boys, 11 and 4. From 1998 to 2009, we lived like two love birds. I filed her immigration papers and she became an American citizen through my sponsorship. She got her last job in 2009 because of my connections.

Four years ago, after the birth of my second son, things started changing.

The delivery was by C-section, something that was necessitated after the contractions began because the umbilical cord was around the baby's neck. My wife was not very keen on the surgery but grudgingly agreed. Once the baby was born, both mom and baby were fine. But my wife told me the she underwent C-section because my family wanted her to undergo a surgery. That is not true. They had no role to play in that decision.

Six weeks after the delivery, her father passed away. These two events happening in such close proximity pushed her into a really bad mood. She told me I am responsible for her father's death. I pled not guilty.

Starting with his death, my wife started distancing herself from me. She won't even let me take her to the doctor for check-ups, told me to stop touching her and started blaming my family for everything. They never had anything to do with the events in my life.

Because of her depressed mood, I offered to take her to the doctor to have her looked at. She told me her health was none of my business.

I showed her enormous patience since 2009 but she steadily grew farther from me. She would burst into fits of anger and threaten to leave the house around dinnertime on weekdays. She was verbally abusive and broke my prescription reading glasses twice. She would yell at either the kids or me for the smallest of reasons.

Her sister wrote to me asking me to give my wife a year to sort herself out. Meanwhile, I developed asthma and needed to leave the city we are in. My wife refused to move and made me turn down three offers I had gotten in other cities.

At the end of that one-year grace period, instead of agreeing to leave, my wife started demanding we buy a house in the city we live in. Even though I was not able to breathe in this city, I helped her buy a house to mollify her. We moved into the new house in Jan. 2013.

If I had any hopes her mood would improve in the new house, she killed them.

In February this year, after an argument, she told me to commit suicide. Please don�t worry about that. I am in no mood to comply.

In March, she took the help of her male colleague to renew my son's passport behind my back. She approached me only when my signature was needed on the application form.

In April, she opened a fake Facebook account and did not state her relationship status. According to her Facebook profile, she was born in 1979 when, in reality, she was born in 1967. From this account, she sent connection requests to six women and eight men (all total strangers) and they accepted. All are the in the age group of 23 to 27, with one male exception. He is 33.

None of them said anything inappropriate to her not did she to them but I do not appreciate her willingness to keep secrets from me. I do not keep any secrets from her. She has all my passwords.

Now I feel that I have been used and stabbed in the back. I get the sneaky feeling that she wants me "out" of her life -- one way or another.

Have I mentioned that the last time we made love was on May 10, 2008, when she conceived? Since then she's been sleeping in the guest bedroom.

You would not believe me if I told you I love her today as intensely as I did in 1998. Yes, I do. I am a little old-fashioned. She is the first woman I slept with and she will be the last. I am willing to wake up tomorrow morning and act as if the last four years did not happen because she is my dream that came true.

I've been having trouble sleeping since my Facebook discovery. I don't have a Facebook account myself. I will never get one.

I plan to speak with her about her fake account when she returns from India at the end of this month.

After nine nights of wrestling with this discovery, I set up an appointment with a marital counselor on Aug. 15. In the past, my wife agreed to see a marriage counselor. Hopefully, she won't ditch me.

My boys are my life. I am fighting for them.

What I would like to know is am I an idiot to show patience, sympathy and understanding to someone who obviously does not recognize them? Should I have done something differently with this evidently disconnected spouse?

Thanks,

Martin (assumed name)

Martin, welcome. Questions, please:

How did you find out about her fake FB account? Good for you, for not saying anything to her about your knowledge. Keep this to yourself for now. How do you know these people are strangers to her?

How long has she been in India? How often do you communicate with her? I assume your children are with her?

This is Martin. Here are the answers to your questions:

a) How did you find out about her fake FB account?

She used her gmail account to sign up for the fake FB account. I had the password to the gmail account. One day, I went into her trash can. Sitting there were the friend request acceptances that Facebook sent her. She deleted them and figured I would never look in her trash can.

b) How do you know these people are strangers to her?

She was born and brought up in Mysore. These "friends" are from Hyderabad, 500 miles away. She is 46 and they range in age from 23 to 27. There is just no way she knows any of them. Not one of them sent her a friend request. She was always the initiator. BTW, the phone number she has on her FB account is that of a mobile number in Hyderabad. I called that number. A woman answered. Her first name is identical to my wife's first name.

c) How long has she been in India? How often do you communicate with her? I assume your children are with her?

My wife and kids left for India on June 30. They are due back July 27. I call everyday and talk to the kids. Not necessarily to her. Only once did I talk to her after her arrival there and she was stand-offish.

That's very curious. Can you see her page, or is it set to private? Are you monitoring her emails?

This is Martin again.

Yes, I can see her page, it's not set to private. She has the passwords to my email accounts, I have the passwords to her accounts. I never had anything to hide, so I freely give her my passwords.

Excellent. Monitor her account. Remember to say nothing about this to her.

ETA: Have you been checking her cell phone records for unusual activity?

Good morning!

Our background: We are both from highly-educated Brahmin families from the southern part of India. Brahmins are the priests in Hindu temples. Which means they, by tradition, do not eat meat, smoke or do alcohol. My wife has never done any of the three. I smoked until 2011. I won't make excuses.

We are also very religious, very conservative and very well-behaved. It can be said that we are from a "Yes, sir; No, ma'am" type of upbringing. I did not have girlfriends before marriage nor did she have a boyfriend before marriage.

We waited to taste sex only within the bounds of marriage. I see her cell phone records online and offline and there is nothing suspicious. I am not worried that she might leave me for a younger guy. I am not insecure about being cheated on.

You might say: dude, then what exactly is your problem?

It is two-fold:

a) Over the last four years, I have been losing the woman I love in slow motion. She may not have anything in her mind for her new friends, but she cannot control them. Nor is there a guarantee that something untoward might not happen from their side in the future.

b) Given our conservative upbringing, this sort of "putting yourself out there" behavior is frowned upon and invites anger from the large family I have in the United States. Besides, what would she feel if I did on Facebook exactly what she did?

It's complicated, isn't it?

Welcome to MB! Have you read the Basic Concepts stuff here on the site? My guess is that you two can benefit from time alone together. What about a weekend out of town just the two of you, when they come back from their trip? You have a strong foundation together and I think you can make your marriage a great one for both of you with some small changes. Reading the material, you'll see what was missing. Like her anger, that's a problem, but you can address it and put it behind you.

Thank you for your suggestion.

I am not willing to spend a weekend alone with her. I am dying to spend a weekend alone with her.

I have done extensive research on this site and have read everything I think I should before posting. I took the emotional needs questionnaire.

I want to get her to read what I read because I thought the content was just awesome. I'll give it a shot. Let's see what happens.

Thanks,

"Martin"

What her top ENs?

Are you committing any Love Busters?

Here are her ENs:


Affection: Yes, she wants it. Except that she will never come out and say it.

Sexual fulfillment: She says she likes sex very much. Never once initiated it. I always did but she is a passive participant. Too shy

Intimate conversation: No freaking way

Recreational companionship: Too shy to take a walk with me outside the house.

Honesty and openness: Top-shelf need

Physical attractiveness of spouse: Lower-shelf need

Financial support: Higher than the top-shelf need

Domestic support: Very high (I am dying to provide it. I'd rather be the spouse who does most of the housework)

Family commitment: Very high

Admiration: She wants admiration as long as words are not used to express it. When I express it, she turns into Mimosa pudica


Are you committing any Love Busters?

I have been at the receiving end of Love Busters for the last four years. As a result, I have stopped:

a) touching her at her request
b) asking for sex
c) speaking my mind because she is indulging in disrespectful judging
d) trying to talk her down trees she climbs during her outbursts
e) trying to convince her that I quit smoking in 2011 (I started in Feb. 2013 again after she told me to commit suicide)
f) pointing out that we should consult before she agrees to let my son spend the day at his friend's house. I willingly drop the 11-year-old at his friend's house.

You use Disrespectful Judgements.

Name two.

(Not giving you a hard time Prisca, but I think it will help th OP to have some examples of what you mean.)