Her top EN has always been that I do recreational activities or yard work type chores with her. She especially likes it when I do them with her and the kids. I've been doing these daily and she's seemed to like it. She doesn't seem to have any other emotional needs for me to meet. Her biggest complaint during the bad times was always this and when asked she tells me that I'm meeting all of her needs.

Lovebusters... I've eliminated most of them. I just still need to stop trying to talk to her about our future or hopes and dreams. She doesn't want to talk about those things. She wants our conversation to be clinical. Talk about what happened in the day and when that is over she wants it ended. It's a love buster for her that I keep trying to talk about that or the relationship. Intimate conversation is a need I have so it is always hard to catch myself.

I don't do a lot of the traditional ones. What's been bothering her lately has been most of my efforts to keep things going along. Or any effort to show affection or make those types of love bank deposits. Even a kiss on the cheek is off limits now because she feels all kissing is "germy". I try every now and again and that's a love buster. I must stop it. No hugs, no kisses, no hand holding. No affection is allowed right now.

My snooping is solid for everything but the work laptop. She offered it to me as a test when she first got back, but I didn't want to snoop right in front of her. I don't know why I didn't take that golden opportunity. Otherwise I'm all over her cell, facebook, and all other emails. Even monitoring home phone outgoing calls.

I have not emailed Dr. Harley. Not sure what I'd even ask him at this point.

Dr. Harley will give you excellent clear directions.

Dr. Harley will tell you to eliminate love busters and make Love Bank deposits.

Is there anyway you can get to her work computer again?

I seriously think you are WAY overdue a conversation with the OMW. You need to contact this woman as soon as possible and discuss your concerns regarding her WH closeness to your WW. You can use the camel pic as evidence although you don't need much evidence to express concern.

You have ZERO chance of being able to meet your WW needs if she is engaged in an affair. Her needs are being taken care of the OM and she is closed off to you so your only chance right now is to bust this relationship.

I feel like I need more than just a picture. It's like everyone but myself and you guys think this picture is innocent or not evidence of much. I have so much circumstantial stuff, but nothing concrete or real. Not even seeing them say "Look forward to seeing you at work tomorrow." NOTHING...

It's still a possibility that it's not an affair or is just one where she has an emotional attachment, but not expressed to him.

If I expose or open up this can of worms, I need proof or its going to make it worse. I'll look like the insane jealous husband to the OMW and to the coworkers. He and her will inform HR that I'm crazy and prep them for if I ever do discover some goods. I need more than what I have.

It is going to be really hard to get at it. I'll have to actually ask her and take it right there and do it with all of the accompanied issues there. Plus once I look at it by taking it from her just once then I know she will never use it for an affair again if that is a possibility.

Someone deleted pictures on the digital camera because they knew I'd be looking and thought the camel ones were fine. I don't want to start having her cover her tracks with insane detail.

If I have to I'll go full Plan A and wait for her and he to get lazy somehow. Then expose upon evidence.

That's one thing you can count on, waywards are lazy and let their guard down.

So while you keep up your snooping let's get a fantastic Plan A together.

I disagree with that, your wife is acting exactly like a wayward, all the things you have described from the start are a certain indicator of an Affair. We see hundreds of affairs go though this site and I am certain evidence or no evidence she is a WW, I don't know why any fellow MBers would ever disagree that there is an A in this case and I haven't seen anyone suggest there isn't an A.

If this is a one way infatuation then the OMW has the right to know someone has got the hots for her husband in order for her to protect her family.

if this A is reciprocated then the OMW will be going though what your are going through but she may not know why her WH is withdrawing from her and will be a great asset in maybe getting evidence from her side.

Right now with all your good snooping you have not been able to find evidence yet the OM might not be as careful as your WW is being and his BS might be able to find evidence.

Lastly, if you were more comfortable with this mans closeness to your wife would you still have found that pic ok? I doubt very much his BS will be happy to see that picture and will be more understanding than you think about your concerns. Just be open with the OMW, explain your reasons and your WW previous conduct and respectfully ask her to keep her WH away from your WW as it is causing issues within your marriage.

I don't believe it is possible to plan A a person in full A and still in daily contact with their OM, her needs are now being met by two people and Waywards don't give up that attention without a fight.

I think everyone/most have agreed on this fact in the past or on other posts. Plan A has very little effect, if any, when the OP is still involved. I did Plan A throughout the first six months after discovering my WS's A and it was awful because as I found out later, OW was still in the picture. (It sounded very similar to what your situation has been.) The only thing that gave any credit to all of my efforts was the fact that during the one month hiatus from the A immediately following my discovery, WS had a tiny bit of his bubble burst/fog lift and he started seeing character flaws in OW that he had ignored during the first affair. Still, WS was trying to work out a way to keep OW "just happy enough" to stick around but not as often while pretending to come back to the marriage and family. When I finally told him that I was done and going for the D, he emerged a little more from the fog and pretended to be done with OW. (Rest of story is long and irrelevant to your situation.) Anyway, I personally would have definitely gone to Plan B three weeks after D-Day if I had known that OW was still slinking down hallways with WS.

Please go to OM's wife and present your concerns as some of the vets have strongly suggested. You might be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

Amibetrayed,

Please go to OM's wife and present your concerns as some of the vets have strongly suggested. You might be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

And while you are there show OMW the photo of those two on the camel together, if OMW never saw it you know something is wrong.

God Bless
Gamma

Hey AmIbetrayed,

I don't post very often, but your story is very similar to mine. I suspected that my wife was in an affair with a co-worker, but I was never able to prove it.

I was urged to contact the OMW to express my concern at their "closeness". I was able to find her email on facebook. It was a very tough conversation, but I am glad that I did it. She seemed totally oblivious and not concerned when I talked to her. However I have seen her at the annual Christmas party a few times since. The first year, she sat in between OM and my w. The next year they both sat on the other side of the room. Previously the OM was always very close to my wife at these events.

While I never did find proof of an affair, talking with OMW helped. It is not going to be a fun conversation, but I would urge you to do it. Just stick to the facts. Make sure to ask her to contact you if she ever discovers something and assure her that you would do the same.

You can do this.

don't be so hard on yourself ami. this is tough stuff! her wanting to skip the poly says volumes...

at the same time, do what you can to back off the relationship talk. plan fun activities, don't call it UA or use any MB terminology. entice and seduce her back by being a confident, well groomed, loving man.

try to drop all talk of affair. you want to lull her into safety so she's possibly slip up. and i agree with not so sure. telling the OM's wife could help A LOT.

The weekend went mostly fine. I am doing a solid Plan A as designed by MB. My wife has certainly noticed. There has been several times where she said something harsh to me that she expected would illicit at least upset body language from me. I was able to keep it in check.

We went to stay with her parents for the local festival in the rural town. The kids had a parade and all that stuff. It was a big day for us because while at the pool, I was able to finally teach my eldest how to swim and she was there. I could tell that sharing that moment with her really meant something. She was actually nice most of that time.

We got back home Sunday night and everything seemed to still be going as planned. My wife was pleasant and even closer than she has been to me in quite some time. We were watching television just before bed and I think she tested me. She just out of the blue said: "I suppose you would like to have sex now?"

All, I replied was that "We've had a very close weekend. I feel closer to you than I've felt in a long time. I hope you felt the same way. I would like to be you in whatever way you'd like tonight."

Her response was to get angry and say she was too tired. She was obviously trying to pick a fight and start some kind of an argument to make sure that the weekend didn't end well. I was also able to keep my body language under check this time as well. I simply just told her that I understand and it was indeed a long weekend. I then said that I hope she sleeps well.

The look on her face was one that was very confused. She still said a few more things that attempted to start something before she apologized for being "unnecessarily mean" and then went to sleep.


I didn't sleep well. I kept my love busters under control in the morning except for body language. I was a little tired and I'm not a morning person either. I suppose I should expect her to feel me out more and challenge me at many turns as this continues.

We have a camping trip planned for this upcoming weekend. I hope everything goes well for that too. It's going to be a warm one.

Any more thought on talking to OMW?

Notsure,

Did you save off the camel picture to show to OMW?

God Bless
Gamma

I have the camel pictures. I'm still thinking about the OMW. I have not really gotten a non-intrusive way to contact her. I'd have to go through the phone tree of where she works most likely.

I thought about contacting her directly through Facebook, but there is too much of a risk that through the "who the heck are you?" type replies that she'll go speak to OM before I can talk to her first. I know where she works, but I haven't decided how best to tackle that.

My wife actually just contacted me from work. (She never does that) She said that she thinks we need to work on our communication together and wants to talk about that tonight.

I don't know how to feel about that one. It could be something encouraging or some new ill thing that I need to be prepared to endure.

It's going to be difficult no matter how you contact her. It is important though. What if she has similar concerns as you? What if she knows something is up but has been to afraid to contact you?

For me, it was easier to send her an email so that I could pick my words very carefully. I would recommend that you post it here before you send anything though.

The behaviour you describe here is another huge red flag, many BS will tell you that when they went on a vacation/brake away with their WS where it would have been difficult for the WS to contact the OP the WS often becomes pleasant and engaged with the BS but the minute the WS gets back home and in contact with the OP they change again and pick fights/withdraw again.

I still believe 100% your WW is having an active A and you are wasting time by trying to plan A without contacting the OMW and getting proof for exposure.

If you carry on sidestepping contacting the OMW I don't see much hope for your marriage.

I don't have any illusions that we're in recovery. It just helps me to keep up with avoiding love busters and keep myself rational and not emotionally driven to share these things here.

Plan A right now will serve the purpose of making her let her guard down a little bit so that she can get sloppy and become caught. I've had mixed advice even from the veterans on this board about whether or not to approach the OMW before having enough proof for exposure.

I'm not under any misconception that we're currently in any kind of recovery. I am treating this as a spouse inside of an active affair until I have proof to the contrary not the other way around.

I want an exposure that is the most effective. There is a chance that OMW has some evidence or that her man is less able to cover up than my wife is at this point. There is also the risk that she is oblivious and the revelation that I'm moving on this front lets them take the affair further underground.

It's my hope that going into Plan A and doing all of these things will cause her to let her guard down. I've intensely scrutinized her and this man for months. Allowing her to tell me that there is nothing going on while at the same time using Plan A is likely going to convince her that I've accepted her explanation fully. I'm hoping this will lead to evidence as time passes.

I've gotten some mixed opinions and advice on this strategy versus immediately going to the OMW and taking that risk.

I have read your thread and can't see anyone who advised you against contacting the OMW.

No one here is saying to call this woman and tell her your W and her H are having an A.

We are saying call the OMW and say you have CONCERNS about their contact and offer the pic as an example. Explain your WW previous inappropriate contact with your brother as an example, Ask her if she noticed anything and if she isn't engaging in conversation leave it at that.

This will serve to forewarn the OMW for when you find evidence and might help as she will most likely start looking for evidence herself if she hasn't got some already.

If OMW discusses your call with her H and he is innocent then he would go to extra lengths to avoid your WW as he would now be aware of her history and that both spouses are not happy with their contact. If the OM is actively having an A with your W then you will see more clear signs of this especially if he ignores your concerns.

You could be waiting forever for evidence though the methods you have put in place, and you can't polygraph a pregnant woman so this is the only avenue you have left unexplored.

Amibetrayed,

Another issue you can discuss is that your WWs child may be OMs, what I suspect will then happen is OMW will grill OM who will then cop to a lesser offense yes I did but I used protection. Doesn't eliminate the need for an eventual polygraph, but does get you some answers sooner. And any OM who has the gall to sit behind your WW on a camel deserves some hell in his life.

God Bless
Gamma