Hi,
I'm new here, and I'm not sure how this works but i can tell you my story i guess..
We've been married for 5 years and been together 8. No kids.. I'm 26, he's 39.. I fell in love with my husband, crazily.. I've given up on many things to make him happy.. I don't work, I don't go to school, I don't socialize.. All for him.. He on the other hand is the total opposite.. He puts everything in his life before me..never talks to me about plans, life..but he will talk about it to others. But that's not what hurts the most.. He cheated on me several times, and ofcourse never admitted anything..usually just tells me I'm paranoid, jealous and overreacting. He will never have a normal conversation with me.. I can't talk to him, bcos he always has other things to do. He will somehow twist things around and make his mistakes look like its all my fault.. I do everything for him; cook, clean, wash, sex, you name it.. He will act so nice to me in front of others, but when were alone he doesn't have time for me.. I wanted to leave couple of times but he stops me, begging me to stay and be will change, he will do whatever it takes..and ofcourse he doesn't.. I believe him or at least i want to.. It's hard for me to let go, I never thought about being with someone else, been loyal to him like a dog.. I don't know.. I find myself getting angry lately..I am so depressed, so angry, so empty, so neglected.. Sometimes I just wish I die..maybe it would be easier.. Tonight I tried to talk to him abt how his actions make me feel, be was trying to be nice but then when he realized its his fault I'm talking about, he got upset, told me to leave him, told me i can leave if i don't like it.. I don't know anymore.. I used to be a very happy person.. Why is it so hard to leave, yet so easy for him to treat me like that..I think my heart would break if i treated him same way.. Will he ever change? Will be ever realize how much I love him? I'm not ugly, I don't know why he can't love me like he loves all the other people..
I don't know, I guess I just needed to share my pain with someone..that someone will listen.. Thank you all, God bless

There are going to be a lot of people who will be able to help you more than me. But you need to know that someone cares about you... heck I care about you and if I were there I would tell you that no one is worth even the thought of killing yourself. Keep your head up it can get better

While the Marriage Builder's website cannot become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously. Please contact a suicide crisis center in your area, call 1-800-SUICIDE or call your family physician.

Isla, welcome to MB. You can hit Notify on your post and ask the moderators to move it to the Surviving an Affair forum here. It is a horribly depressing thing, the standard advice is to go on some anti-depressants temporarily to get you through this time. Hang in there, better days are ahead!

So you got together when you were 18 and he was 31? I can see why you fell in love with him so crazily! And why he isn't going to feel so crazy in love like that. But if he is done cheating on you and you two can work together you can make a happy marriage. And if it's not to happen with him it will get obvious. And you'll have support here no matter what happens. God bless you too and I'm praying for you that you find some peace and comfort. Are you close with your family maybe they can help too?

Dr. Harley commented on a situation very much like this on the radio show just last week. His advice was to plan for an immediate separation. Contact a local women's shelter in your area for assistance. You need to get away from this man. He is abusing you as assuredly as if he physically beat you up every day.

Does he demand these of you? Were you enthusiastic about giving up any of these things? It sounds as though he has put in the position of being extremely dependent on him, and you have lost any leverage you might have had.


He doesn't care for you or about you? He's not open and honest with you?


He's been unfaithful and gaslighted you about his betrayals and abuse. Infidelity is one of the most painful things a spouse can do and he's done this several times. Have any of these affairs been exposed?


He puts you last and neglects you.


Is he demanding all these things of you?


Again, neglect.


You have no leverage with him. You have let him get away with abusive and neglectful behavior by not holding him accountable.


Hang on! Call the suicide hotline if you feel like dying..please. There is hope for you. A plan will give you hope. You can survive this - with or without your husband. Do you have any support where you are? Family, friends? Church?

Avoid losing your temper. This will work against you.

Can you see a doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants to help see you through these next few months?


He sounds like a freeloader who doesn't care about you. A buyer is willing to listen to complaints and change; a freeloader refuses to change. Their reply to complaints: "Put up with it and if you don't like it, leave."


A bad marriage is the major cause of depression in women.


He can change if he wants to, but he has no reason to change, because he has no accountability at all.



This is the BEST place to come if you want a PLAN. MarriageBuilders is all about action.

First, please read these articles:

What's Wrong with Unconditional Love? (Part 1)

What's Wrong with Unconditional Love? (Part 2)

When you finish reading these articles, read this one:

When to Call It Quits (Part 1)

Then this one:

When to Call It Quits (Part 2)

Then come back and talk with us.

The best chance you have of changing him is to leave him. He may at that point decide to do what it takes to keep you. Right now, he has no reason to change because he knows you will just keep taking it. Give him a reason -- either he changes, or he loses you.

I know it is a very hard decision to make. I've been there. But it's the best one you could make right now, both for you and for him. Once you are away from him, and your mind clears, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Do you have family you could go stay with? Or a girlfriend?

Prisca really has been there and knows what she is talking about. I am her husband, and one of the best things that ever happened to me was when she insisted that I had to move out over my angry outbursts. Super 8 motel therapy sucked and was really fantastic as far as persuading me that I WANTED to change and eliminate this problem.

I would like to share a little about suicide because I want you to be clear of a few things to help you combat the temptation. First thing because you are hurting bad enough to consider it tells you change is needed because it really is destructively effecting you. Second I have had a suicide in both my family and in my wifes family and the pain and effects on other people are like taking the pain you feel and putting it on every person who cares about you. I have watched the sons(my nephews) then make suicide attempts (one ten years later and the other a six year old boy). please from the bottom of my heart know that is just not an option. Please also remember that is yours to choose and dont make that a product of how another person may treat you. Remember you are very valuable even though you may be treated like a doormat

I think its important to realize the only person we can effectively change is ourself. I would ask you to look at yourself. Many of your actions may be saying its ok to treat me like this mixed and confused with the powerful need of forgiveness, mercy, and grace in a relationship. A marriage is two people becoming one and to me a divorce is two people ripping apart. Right now it appears you need to focus on your healing before you can focus on the healing of the marriage.

Saw your post and I am wondering and hoping that you are ok? Have not seen any response or comments to any of the suggestions.

I do hope that you are ok, and even if you are not responding that you are at least reading them.

I would like to share my experience with you. In your description except for the ages, it sounded like you where describing my EX-Husband perfectly.

He was a very controlling man, and jealous as well. At first when we where dating if was not as bad, but after we got married it became worse and worse. He was allowed to go and do and have a life but I was not. Even if I was at work I would be accused of doing something wrong. I would also have to give him my paycheck every payday and if I needed anything I would have to ask for it. If he gave me money and I spent more than he thought I should, he would jump my case. I had to explain everything. I was also responsible for cooking, cleaning and we did have children.

I like you begged and pleaded to him for us to get help to go to counseling. I to would try to leave and then he would say he would change. We did finally try going to counseling, but he felt it was pointless and that he no longer needed it so he stopped.

Closer to the end of our marriage, it got worse. He started saying what your husband told you. To go ahead and leave, but my EX would add that you will never find any one out there to love you as much as I have loved you. He then became more verbally abusive and it eventually lead to some physical abuse as well. I was so depressed, I wanted to die. I even contemplated many times how I would do it. Also after I had got the courage to do what had to be done to save me, I found out that he had been unfaithful.

However I never did, I would look at my kids and think that I would never want them to feel that I abandoned them. Now I know that you don't have kids to help give you strength, but I am sure that you have family and friends that would and could. Even if you don't then you need to look deep down inside your self and find that what ever piece of you that would rather live a life happy and alone than with someone that is crushing the life out of you. It is there I know, you just have to look.

It wont be easy, but it is possible.

You also need to know that he may never change, and that you deserve better. That you have gave all you have to give and that it is ok to think about yourself for once. And Yes, it is going to hurt, because you cared about him so much, but with time and help you will start to heal. There will always be some residual damage, but there is hope, and happiest on the other side.