Here are some good radio clips about gawking.

Radio Clip on Gawking
Segment #2
Radio Clip on Gawking

Skyrim, I don't think you are insecure. I just think you (quite naturally) aren't getting the Undivided Attention you need in order to feel fulfilled and cared for. You will feel much better when the two of you start making dates in which you are alone and focus on each other.

Thanks for the links to the radio segments. I also took your other suggestion and email Dr. Harley.

I have come to realize and I feel my husband has also that my EN's have not been met for a while now, and that is something we both have agreed on. He is also very willing to start as well. I do believe that these steps will help, but I also believe I do need to work on my self and my opinion of my self as well.

I want to thank everyone who has spoke up and gave me/us suggestions and asked up questions to force us to look at things that we may have never thought of. I am hopeful that if we truly try with this program, and that being both of us working hard at it, that things will improve. I feel like I can already see an effort on both or our part. I know that one of the biggest struggles I am going to have it I think the part of the Joint agreement. Not so much about agreeing to things, but sometimes doing it enthusiastically, or when we are not and we are talking about things or issues, I become very defensive. That is where I will struggle. When it comes to the giver and taker part and not letting the taker, take over, because once I get my feelings hurt I automatically throw up a wall, and grab the artillery. So any suggestions on how to learn to not let this happen, would be great.

Don't do it. Any habit that you do that you want to stop, stop doing it.

Tell your husband to hold you accountable when you do the wall thing.

I want to advise you that you also keep an environment free for your husband to be honest. In other words, when he's honest with you, do not react in a way that makes him hesitate being honest. The good news is your husband really wants to be the best husband he can be.

I would highly suggest you order the books Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs.
Sit down each night and read a chapter together and discuss it together.

You should stop that.

POJA is a great tool that will help you drop your defenses. Once you realize the goal of POJA is to ensure everyone is happy, finding the WIN/WIN, not a WIN/LOSE you'll see there's no point (it is counter-productive) in becoming defensive.

Read this segment over and over and implement it.
Guidelines for successful negotiation

I have another question in regards to looking. How will I know the difference between him looking/glancing to admire vs. looking/glancing just to see who someone is. For example, say we where at his work and someone is walking down the hall. Right now if that person is a female it is going to make me feel very uncomfortable when he looks to see who it is, just because of the whole situation right now, but I can see how anyone would look to see who is coming. So, how do I know the difference or how do I get beyond this, to where that kind of innocent behavior will not bother me?

My opinion is that if he glances at a person that enters the room, then it's just that. It's what everyone does.

I think you should watch him until watching him is boring.

Over time if he is sincerely trying to avoid looking at women and dwelling on them, you will see this, and your very justified feelings of betrayal and worry will fade.

If he is not, you will see him intentionally continuing to gawk at women, and you will need to take steps to protect yourself from him.

OK. Maybe this is just me but if it's obvious he is just looking at her facial features ... he ain't gawking. Just sayin.

Hi, I would like to share a few things I did not see mentioned. For starters I want to comend your husband on his honesty. I know it hurt that he put you at 8 but that shows your husband isnt just saying something to please you. He also showed honesty saying he does look - notice. Both of those things shows me your husband is being honest with you and that is actually awesome because even though you are hurt if the trust had been violated it would hurt much more. Its awesome he is taking the questionairs and even commented on this forum. it even sounds if he is trying to not look because he knows it hurts you.

My wife also really struggles with this type of thing(probably much more than you). She actually accuzes me of looking when I wasnt. I believe she has become so fixated that she sees what is not there. I do know what I looked at - didnt look at and am very honest. My wife is also 10 years older than me and struggles with that as well as her physical appearance. Honestly that stuff has very little impact on how I view her. Perhaps I have a feminine depth understanding beauty is way deeper than skin level. Most of all that being said to qualify this comparing yourself to anyone is a terrible mistake because ask your husband there is no comparison because you are his and everyone else is not. You can probably relate in this way - there are plenty of attractive men, some may have a better build than your hubby, better hair, better face, funnier,etc but you wouldnt do that(well at least not until you are very dissatified and near adultry and i dont percieve this is what is going on with your husband because of his openess and honesty).

Now I prefer to look at your position as an opportunity for you both to grow. I believe your feelings and hurts are real and also believe in a marriage things should be looked at as ours. Therefore each of you working to solve this would be awesome and probably bring you so much closer. My guess is it came up for a reason and since it looks like your dealing with it together it can really become an asset given you work through it and dont just bury it. Just a suggestion- perhaps you can agree to hold hands or something like that when you are out and you "feel' you need that little re-assurance from him

What this guy said is so good its worth another read.

I also have one more thought as this is something I struggle with and hope to be able to get my wife to help with. It really seems like your love bank is low. Especially in the description of the couple outings. My wife is constantly making plans and doing things for others while i am starving for attention. Most people think time together is all it takes but i can feel so alone in those times and get hurt so bad because i am so hurt wanting some attention and its going to someone else. I do see it as neglect in my case because i have repetivaly shared my need even looked over the **edit** together showing my need or love language of quality time. I have just recently found this site and watched and read everything and have really seen the importance of so much of it. My suggestion is if you can communicate your love bank getting empty or in the negative and if the spouce can recognize that as an immediate desperate cry for a little help getting it back up and do something about it emergency status.

Here is the problem with a spouse that looks at other people, slick; they ARE comparing their spouse to those other people. Gawking and flirting means the competition is still open. SHE is not doing the comparing, BUT HE IS. And he admits this. Men need to get out of this habit if they want their wives to be happy. It is very upsetting to most women.

When one gets married, the expectation is that the competition is closed. And it should be closed. If a spouse even "IMAGINES" another spouse is looking, the solution is to stop doing whatever it was that led that spouse to that conclusion. It is much easier to change behavior than it is an emotional reaction, after all.

slick, just so you know, this forum is for Marriage Builders. They don't endorse Love Languages, because it has no plan to create a romantic marriage. ["love tank" ] Marriage Builders addresses and resolves the problem you mention above with the policy of undivided attention. It takes 15 hours of undivided attention to MAINTAIN the love in a marriage, and 20-25 to CREATE. If you use the Marriage Builders program, your problem of feeling alone would be resolved. It is more than just getting "quality" time, it is very important to get the right QUANTITY too.

Check this out! The Policy of Undivided Attention

Dr Harley's suggestion is to sit down every Sunday afternoon and schedule 15-20 hours of undivided attention for the next week. Write out dates, times, plan activities, arrange babysitting, etc. Time that is scheduled is not so easy to put off.

A couple can't stay in love unless they spend UA time together.

Slick, thanks for sharing your story. I am glad that he is being honest even thought it hurts. You are right if he was not then that would be a different mess in itself.

I am afraid that if I don't get a handle on this soon that I will start doing the very thing you said your wife does. That is start accusing him of looking when he is not, and I don't want that.

I do understand how you must feel, when your wife does not give you the attention you deserve, when at different events. I also saw that you said you where new here as well. If you can see if she will sit down with you and take the The Emotional Needs Questionnaire. That was a real eye opener for my husband and I, because before no matter how much I would tell him of the things I felt he did not understand, until he could see what his needs were and how different mine are. Plus maybe this will help you both see things differently, and figure out why she is accusing you of looking when you are not. Something must be missing for her and you already know that something is missing for you. The link below is to the questionnaire.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

skyrim and slick,

One thing that needs to be discussed before just meeting ENs and being able to fill that lovebank are LoveBusters. Skyrim this is critical for you. You will have an impossible time trying to feel your bank being filled if your H continues to do things that annoy you. Read LoveBusters.

If he's ogling other women you feel disrespected, you lose respect for him, it creates a horrible contrast effect for him when comparing them to you, etc.

You can spend your entire life trying to meet each other's needs but unless you eliminate, entirely, your LoveBusters you'll never achieve the romantic feelings needed for your M to thrive.