You're right, I wouldn't know. That problem will be hard to solve as long as we're still living here and I still have to go to work. I suppose I could try to install some covert camera or something, though she'd probably see it.

I would slip a keylogger on her computer and put a voice activated recorder in your house. A good keylogger is eblaster at spectorsoft.com and you can pick up a small VAR at Radio Shack or Walmart.

I can try to put the VAR in my house. I'm trying to think like a wayward though. If she was determined to resume the affair she might go over to the POSOM's house instead of having him here - not sure. The one issue she has to contend with during the day is our almost 2 year old daughter. She could try to invite POSOM over when our daughter is taking a nap in her crib, or perhaps even leave her home alone during that time to go to his house. I'm not sure. Of course I'd like to believe she would not leave our daughter home alone but I guess nothing would surprise me now.

She might well speak to him on her affair phone while she is at home alone with your daughter, though.

I would try hiding the VAR somewhere that she might make calls and also where she might take him. That points to the bedroom. There must be lots of places you could hide it there, such as in a drawer of the bedside table - just for a few days.

Unfortunately it seems that there are so many devious things WW could attempt to do if she was determined to, and hard to guard against them all.

The job is not to guard, but to detect. You want to gather enough information that if she is conducting something, you will know about it, and know to investigate further.

Have you read SAA yet? Has your wife read it?

I read SAA and was quite encouraged by it. WW read it and was very skeptical,unfortunately. She didn't think POJA was realistic, she didn't think the part about 15 hours of UA was realistic, she didn't buy the idea that meeting each others' needs would produce romantic love. Argh.

It is 20 hours of UA time!! I would keep that subject front and center until you can get her to agree to go on 4 4 hour dates with you. Bring the body and the mind will follow. It will not be pleasant at first but the more you do it, the more you will both love it. It will no longer be a chore once you are in love.

Here is the worksheet http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

I would sit down with her and schedule out your dates for the week. Find things to do that she really loves. Can you go off on a vacation alone with her?

You need to get her to try it with you even if she does not believe it will work.

She doesn't have to believe in or agree with it for it to work - spending that time together will change her emotions, and her beliefs will follow.

They did go on their first date this weekend. It wasn't pleasant but it was a start!

Yes - I mean part of the problem is that she's been so depressed she doesn't love doing anything anymore. She used to love going to the gym - I can't get her to go with me. She barely agreed to go out to dinner with me last Friday. I've asked her to go on walks with me and she declines. We spend a few minutes each evening praying together, but it is just a few minutes. I just can't get her to participate now. Maybe that will change once, Lord willing, we move and enough time goes by for the withdrawal to end. But now I feel as though I'm pouring my heart out to her and it is for nothing. Most of the time when I say "goodnight" to her she won't even say it back. She never thanks me for anything I do to help out. She isn't doing even the smallest acts of courtesy now, never mind actually trying to meet any of my needs. I try to understand this, and about withdrawal and the need to be patient, but sometimes it just frustrates the hell out me when I love her so much and she doesn't give a damn about me. I know if I died in a car accident today she would secretly be rejoicing - that's how I feel at least. Sorry for the vent.

I will pray that your house sells soon! Is it possible to get a bridge loan to get into your new home so you don't have to wait? My sister did this when her home was for still for sale and she needed the proceeds to put down on her new home. She ended up selling her house 2 weeks later anyway but it gave her a way out.

Might be worth thinking about, but we are so stretched financially now anyway it would be very tough to add any more burdens in that area. This has truly been the year of hell. In addition to my marriage crashing and burning, we spent a grand to get our minivan fixed, another grand just to make the offer on the house we want, several hundred dollars cleaning the carpets, and hundreds on medical bills for when my daughter was sick 9 months ago that are still coming in.

More fog babble. She�s withdrawn and is working hard to keep up the walls. With patience and perseverance you will break down the walls.

POJA � maybe she believes it is unrealistic but you�ll do yourself a lot of good if you practice it with her all the time. Be sure you avoid IB and try to include her in on decisions. This will set the tone for the day when she comes around.

UA time � 20 hours can be tough if you�re the only one pushing for it. Keep up the Plan A and keep inviting her to spend UA time with you. This will set the tone for the day when she comes around.

ENs. If you ever have to Plan B her after doing a superb Plan A she will definitely understand how need meeting creates all kinds of positives in how she feels about you. If the day comes that it�s obvious she isn�t going to come around she�ll feel it when it�s gone.

I'm so sorry you're going through it, Pius. I know that absolutely sucks. The part about not even returning a "goodnight" pulls at my heartstrings.

That will change as her feelings change toward you, but in the meantime it really sucks.

I thought all that once, too. The beauty is that she doesn't have to believe it will work in order for it to work.

It is fantastic that she went on a date with you! SAA mentions just what you are seeing, that there isn't a lot of progress made during withdrawal and it's frustrating to the betrayed spouse. But you have to spend that time together because the alternatives are all even less desirable.

I just wanted to give another update. WW and I went on another date this evening. This time we went to an Italian place a few miles from home, while my parents watched the kiddos. This time it went so much better than last week. I did most of the talking, but I found I had plenty to talk about because I had an interesting day at work. WW seemed to listen. We both drank some wine at dinner and seemed more at ease. We also were able to discuss our plan of attack for selling the house at length. We agreed that we need to invest some money into replacing some of the carpets and painting. WW didn't go into tears like last week and there were hardly any awkward silences. On the ride home WW actually talked to me for a few consecutive minutes about her hair stylist, who changed jobs from one salon to the other. I don't know if this was just a fluke but it really seemed like we got along better this evening. WW also had her hair dyed yesterday, back to the darker color that it was when we got married. I have repeatedly told her that I really like it, which I do. She is truly a gorgeous woman and I so hope we can continue to make progress. It is funny because even though she hurt me so badly I am still so in love with her.

Fantastic.

Keep it up.