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indiegirl #2759762 10/12/13 05:12 PM
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Ok so in reading His needs Her needs book, and other things on the MB's page. As well as doing the emotional need questionnaire. It raises more questions. With SF being one of the mans top EN's, what the heck is a person suppose to think, in regards to this. This is what I mean, suppose something happen an a wife can not longer meet her spouses SF needs due to a medical/physical reason. What is the wife suppose to do, because according to everything I have been reading, that is going to leave his love bank open for someone else to step in and take up an account. Basically what I am understanding that if for some reason say a wife was in a car accident and it left her unable to have sex ever again, then what happens then to their relationship. Does she just have to worry about him having an affair, or what? Because this concept is really bothering me right now. Same thing if the her top EN was SF and he could not preform for medical reasons. If that is the case goodness sake what is a person to think or do? I am really struggling with this right now.

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skyrim #2759765 10/12/13 05:36 PM
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Many, many people cannot meet their spouse's emotional needs for various reasons. For example, if a spouse has dementia and has to live in a nursing home, he/she can't meet the EN's of his spouse. But those spouses don't seem to mind when their spouse CAN'T meet their EN's and typically are very supportive.

The only time it becomes a problem is when a spouse can meet the other ones needs and WON'T.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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skyrim #2759767 10/12/13 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
This is what I mean, suppose something happen an a wife can not longer meet her spouses SF needs due to a medical/physical reason.

Also, there are many different ways to skin a cat. Just because a woman cannot have intercourse does not mean she can't have an enjoyable sex life with her spouse.

The more common dilemma is a spouse who can't meet his wife's need for financial support, because of no fault of his own. He may have been laid off. While it causes stress to the marriage, as long as the laid off spouse does his BEST to find a job, his wife is usually fairly patient. It only causes problems when a spouse is lazy and does nothing to change the situation.

And even if your spouse CAN'T meet your needs, it never ever justifies adultery. If your spouse can't/won't meet your needs, then the other spouse should make doubly sure her lovebank is NEVER open to anyone else. Unmet needs is never an excuse for an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I wouldn't get caught up in the what if you can't do this or that like you ar. You're imagining scenarios that probably will never happen. Right now the task is to concentrate on the present.

One thing that concerns me is your husband has stated that you are questioning him when y'all go out about women that pass by. If your husband is actively and purposefully not looking at other women, you are doing harm by bringing attention to them. I imagine this is very unnerving to him. Melody had a great idea about taking long drives. Maybe finding a restaurant in a town you've never been to. But if along the way he is engaging you and not looking at other women and you start sayin " what about her..." to some woman crossing the street, it's going to make for a miserable time.


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skyrim #2759789 10/12/13 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
Ok so in reading His needs Her needs book, and other things on the MB's page. As well as doing the emotional need questionnaire. It raises more questions. With SF being one of the mans top EN's, what the heck is a person suppose to think, in regards to this. This is what I mean, suppose something happen an a wife can not longer meet her spouses SF needs due to a medical/physical reason. What is the wife suppose to do, because according to everything I have been reading, that is going to leave his love bank open for someone else to step in and take up an account. Basically what I am understanding that if for some reason say a wife was in a car accident and it left her unable to have sex ever again, then what happens then to their relationship. Does she just have to worry about him having an affair, or what? Because this concept is really bothering me right now. Same thing if the her top EN was SF and he could not preform for medical reasons. If that is the case goodness sake what is a person to think or do? I am really struggling with this right now.

I know, it's boggling.

Besides, what's the use anyhow... there is a 1-in-10 billion chance that the earth will be wiped out TOMORROW by a solar flare, so why attempt to have a happy marriage?

Or, I could end up in the dementia unit I've been working at... totally possible, there are 4 people there near age 50 right now.... so why try NOW?

Well, because I have a choice NOW. I can meet my wife's needs TODAY.

Maybe tomorrow, a resident will lose it and impale me with a wheelchair footpedal. So I guess I should do my best to fill up my Love Bank account with my wife TODAY.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
One thing that concerns me is your husband has stated that you are questioning him when y'all go out about women that pass by.


This would be the second enemy of good conversation;

Quote
The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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That all makes sense.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
One thing that concerns me is your husband has stated that you are questioning him when y'all go out about women that pass by. If your husband is actively and purposefully not looking at other women, you are doing harm by bringing attention to them. I imagine this is very unnerving to him. Melody had a great idea about taking long drives. Maybe finding a restaurant in a town you've never been to. But if along the way he is engaging you and not looking at other women and you start sayin " what about her..." to some woman crossing the street, it's going to make for a miserable time.

I don't question him about women that are in the room or just pass by, I only question him when I have seen his eyes look or glance toward another female. Some times I questions him about a female that we have passed, only if I have no clue as to whether he has looked or not because I can not always see him. Some one suggested that I watch him until I get bored. I do try to watch but that is very hard when he either always walks behind me, or in front of me, because I can not see what his eyes are looking at. Then I will question him, which I know I should not, but it is still all to raw, and even though he is trying, there are times that he slips up and it hurts.

Like the other day, he asked me to come have lunch with him at his work, so I agreed. While there close to the end a female came into the room. First thing he does is look, then he proceeds to get up. Then he looks again. I do not say anything at the time, I bit my tongue and remain pleasant. When I am getting ready to leave a little later and we are standing in the hall, I am getting ready to go through one of the glass doors to head down stairs to leave, He looks past me through the glass wall and looks at the female going into the locker room, which happens to be the same female that came into the break room before when he was looking. I again said nothing but just looked at him like how could you really. I said my good byes nicely and went to the car and cried. I was even dress very nicely that day and fixed my hair the way he likes.

Once I got home I sent him a message about the situation and how it made me feel because I knew I could not do it verbally with out it becoming and AO. This is what he replied. I looked and stood because I did not know who she was and she was and officer, and I was not sure how strict she was about standing when she entered the room. Ok I can understand the first look and standing then, but what about the 2nd and 3rd look. He gave no reason for 2nd look and stated that he does not even remember the 3rd look.

That is the reason I don't want to go out to public places and events. I am so tired of feeling this way inside and hiding my pain and I am so tired of crying. I have never told him that I would not go to dinner with him like Melody had suggested. And he has never asked.


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skyrim #2759803 10/13/13 07:21 AM
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If you cannot see whether he actually looked at a woman you should not ask him if he did. It will make your UA unpleasant.

It is on him to not look. It is on you to watch him to make sure and to follow up with a respectful complaint if you see that he is.

skyrim #2759806 10/13/13 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
[

That is the reason I don't want to go out to public places and events. I am so tired of feeling this way inside and hiding my pain and I am so tired of crying. I have never told him that I would not go to dinner with him like Melody had suggested. And he has never asked.

So how is the planning going? Have you scheduled some evenings at restaurants that are an hour away yet?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Print this out, here sit down with your husband and fill it out today. Get your babysitters lined up and your destinations planned. Try and find places that are AT LEAST 45 minutes away.

Come back when you have completed that step.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Sky, I might request that he walks by your side and perhaps even hold your hand while y'all walk together.



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I do appreciate all of the advice that everyone has offered.

Right now after spending the last 24 hours in silence because he has decided to shut down and not talk no matter how much I ask nicely, or try to bully him into talking, he has not budged. Nothing.

I am just not willing to live another 12 years this way. I am stuck in a foreign country with no friends no family, no one to talk to or socialize with, except for my H and my son. That situation alone is hard enough, with out his silence, which is pure hell on me and I just don't think I have what it takes to fight an up hill battle that seems never ending and always me losing.

I am ready to back to the states. I feel I need time alone to work on me. Not time feeling lonely.


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skyrim #2759820 10/13/13 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
I do appreciate all of the advice that everyone has offered.

Right now after spending the last 24 hours in silence because he has decided to shut down and not talk no matter how much I ask nicely, or try to bully him into talking, he has not budged. Nothing.

I am just not willing to live another 12 years this way. I am stuck in a foreign country with no friends no family, no one to talk to or socialize with, except for my H and my son. That situation alone is hard enough, with out his silence, which is pure hell on me and I just don't think I have what it takes to fight an up hill battle that seems never ending and always me losing.

I am ready to back to the states. I feel I need time alone to work on me. Not time feeling lonely.

Why are you trying to bully him into talking?

Why would he expect MB to work when you demonstrate that you are unwilling to use it, instead resorting to your self described bullying?

Seems you need to protect him from your anger. If you don't, he will put up that wall and retreat.

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skyrim #2759822 10/13/13 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
Right now after spending the last 24 hours in silence because he has decided to shut down and not talk no matter how much I ask nicely, or try to bully him into talking, he has not budged. Nothing.

If you get angry and try to bully him, of course he is going to shut down. You have ruined the date when you do that!! I don't understand why you keep doing that when we have told you to stop it. That means stop it NOW, not next week. NOW.

How about trying this again but with a commitment to completely eliminate ALL lovebusters? How did you behave on the FIRST date with him? WEre you angry, demanding, bullying? I seriously doubt it.

The key is to use your intellect to override your emotions. You must get out of the habit of committing lovebusters and he must get out of the habit of gawking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


skyrim #2759823 10/13/13 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by skyrim
I am just not willing to live another 12 years this way. I am stuck in a foreign country with no friends no family, no one to talk to or socialize with, except for my H and my son. That situation alone is hard enough, with out his silence, which is pure hell on me and I just don't think I have what it takes to fight an up hill battle that seems never ending and always me losing.

You are shooting yourself in the foot. You need your husband and are doing everything to push him away and discourage him from trying. You push him away and them complain that he is ............pushed away.

If he messes up and gawks at a woman, you are not entitled to bully him or get angry. There will NEVER be a solution as long as you get angry. We can help you solve the problems but it has to start with eliminating ALL anger.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Why are you trying to bully him into talking?

I have only resulted to bulling as you would call it, when is has been shut down for hours or days.

Quote
Why would he expect MB to work when you demonstrate that you are unwilling to use it, instead resorting to your self described bullying?

Why would he expect MB to work?? What about why would I expect MB to work when he demonstrates his ill-regards to my needs, and is always shutting down for hours some time days?

Quote
Seems you need to protect him from your anger. If you don't, he will put up that wall and retreat.

He has always done this whether I have been angry or bulling. He has always chosen to retreat if he even feels that the subject is sensitive and he is not comfortable discussing it.

Who is suppose to protect me? Yes I do need to protect him from my anger, that is why I feel it is best if I take some time away.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You are shooting yourself in the foot. You need your husband and are doing everything to push him away and discourage him from trying. You push him away and them complain that he is ............pushed away.

How am I pushing him away? Even when I don't get angry he is still not willing to do all of the MB steps. No that is not a DJ it is an observation, over the last few weeks. He seems to pick an choose what he feels. I am not sure why he chooses the things he does and not the others.

Quote
If he messes up and gawks at a woman, you are not entitled to bully him or get angry. There will NEVER be a solution as long as you get angry. We can help you solve the problems but it has to start with eliminating ALL anger.

Am I not entitled to my feelings? I understand that I should not bully him, but I do not understand how I am not entitled to get angry, or should I say feel angry, hurt and totally disrespected? I understand that I should not be snapping at him or yelling, or talking to him in a disrespectful manner. However my taker has been in charge for a very long time and according to Dr. Harley when the anger/taker has taken over and in charge it is like a moment of insanity. I am working on it and yes I admit that I still do not have control. Again another reason for me to step away.


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Originally Posted by skyrim
Quote
Why are you trying to bully him into talking?

I have only resulted to bulling as you would call it, when is has been shut down for hours or days.

You don't get to decide how long it is ok for him to be shut down.

After all, you don't let him decide that what you call gawking is just the normal catching your eye.

Get it. Just as he cannot define for you what constitutes a glance vs gawking, you don't get to define for him how long he shuts down due to feeling it's unwise or unsafe to continue in a line of conversation.
Originally Posted by skyrim
Quote
Why would he expect MB to work when you demonstrate that you are unwilling to use it, instead resorting to your self described bullying?

Why would he expect MB to work?? What about why would I expect MB to work when he demonstrates his ill-regards to my needs, and is always shutting down for hours some time days?
You may have a point. But answer this, is your anger helping or hurting the situation? You want him to try MB, but you are not yet putting it into practice. Or you are using it when it suits you, but if you don't get your way, out the door it goes and the bullying replaces it.
Originally Posted by skyrim
Quote
Seems you need to protect him from your anger. If you don't, he will put up that wall and retreat.

He has always done this whether I have been angry or bulling. He has always chosen to retreat if he even feels that the subject is sensitive and he is not comfortable discussing it.
Which is perfectly normal. No one is asking you to be comfortable when he does things like gawking. So why do you expect him to be comfortable?

Just as he cannot say you are too sensitive, you also cannot say he's too sensitive when it comes to these topics.
Originally Posted by skyrim
Who is suppose to protect me? Yes I do need to protect him from my anger, that is why I feel it is best if I take some time away.

So what you are saying is that it's ok for you to retreat, but when he does, it's not right?

That's how this is coming across.

Instead of judging him for being shut down, what are you doing to learn what it takes for him to be enthusiastic about resuming the conversation?

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I have been reading my spouses post on here the same as he has been reading mine.

I have not said anything up to this point about the things that he has posted, because I am sure it is a DJ and his perspective. However, when he post things he has a way with words. He has a way of making it sound as if he has been doing and trying everything that people have suggested, when if fact he has not. It also leads people to believe that I am not willing to try or do certain things. Well I have been very honest about what I am willing to try in regards to UA. Which he also leads you to believe that he has been trying to set up time, when in fact all he has done is research things on his lap top, almost every evening this weekend, while reaming silence. So with out both of us being open and honest about things I am not sure how the advice will work. Maybe I am wrong in posting this I am not sure, I just feel that I need share this information.


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