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I'm a single mom of four ... I absolutely love dating ... I've had several boyfriends and I made some unbelievably great guy friends.
I've been in love, and I love some of my guy friends.
The best advice and the best choice was to heal myself first. I had to get to a place where I was very happy as a single mom, and anyone who came into my life simply complements my life.
I wouldn't trade how I got to my life today for anything. Right now I'm in the middle of the worst fight of my life. My WxH came around after five years with a vengeance. No matter what comes at me he doesn't break my spirit or my happiness.
I wouldn't be able to still be Tough as nails if I didn't take the time to heal and find peace.
My dating life has been fun ... has been heartbreaking ... and has been joyful.
I wouldn't trade all of it for anything. My four kids and I are doing very well, and I'm a darn good single mom. I'm rocking single mom hood ... truly loving every minute of my life.
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Here is the issue with this--and I also think what Dr. Harley was saying to me as well. With dating ALWAYS comes the risk of falling in love. It just does. When that happens, as we know, all bets are off. That is why he encouraged me to WAIT as long as possible to date at all. OS friendships lead to love, we all know that. That is exactly right. I was fortunate in that my youngest was already 18 so I did not have your constraint. I decided to date casually to help me decide whether to stay in the US or go home to the UK. After meeting some people (including some that reminded me scarily of my XH), I met someone who was totally amazing. I had no idea that people as lovely as him were around and single. On the other hand I have a number of girlfriends who are either divorced or widowed that are incredibly happy as singles. I would have also been a happy single and expected to be.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I agree with this, living well.
I think single mothers have to acknowledge that they are willing to risk falling in love and possibly remarrying if they are going to date at all. It's a possibility. And if so, your eyes have to be WIDE OPEN to the real risks. That's why I would date only childless men if I did date. That might, of course limit my dating pool to zero (because I am sure there are many men who wouldn't want to date me as a single mom).
It's also a possibility to date, fall in love and not marry, but that is very hard too. I am not sure I could fall in love again and not marry (as I am the marrying kind. I love the rhythm of marriage).
Overall, it's a difficult and frankly unfair position to be in. However, I would rather be a single mom for 15 years than be in the presence of a remorseless cheater for another 5 minutes, so it's all relative. LOL.
Last edited by PigletWiglet; 08/03/15 05:51 PM.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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I agree with this, living well.
I think single mothers have to acknowledge that they are willing to risk falling in love and possibly remarrying if they are going to date at all. It's a possibility. And if so, your eyes have to be WIDE OPEN to the real risks. That's why I would date only childless men if I did date. That might, of course limit my dating pool to zero (because I am sure there are many men who wouldn't want to date me as a single mom).
It's also a possibility to date, fall in love and not marry, but that is very hard too. I am not sure I could fall in love again and not marry (as I am the marrying kind. I love the rhythm of marriage).
Overall, it's a difficult and frankly unfair position to be in. However, I would rather be a single mom for 15 years than be in the presence of a remorseless cheater for another 5 minutes, so it's all relative. LOL. Falling in love is very much a possibility, with dates or friends of the opposite sex. A small percentage of women and men are serial daters and looking only for dates but for the remaining majority when love bank balances start getting deposited love is a possibility.
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I agree with this, living well.
I think single mothers have to acknowledge that they are willing to risk falling in love and possibly remarrying if they are going to date at all. It's a possibility. And if so, your eyes have to be WIDE OPEN to the real risks. That's why I would date only childless men if I did date. That might, of course limit my dating pool to zero (because I am sure there are many men who wouldn't want to date me as a single mom).
It's also a possibility to date, fall in love and not marry, but that is very hard too. I am not sure I could fall in love again and not marry (as I am the marrying kind. I love the rhythm of marriage).
Overall, it's a difficult and frankly unfair position to be in. However, I would rather be a single mom for 15 years than be in the presence of a remorseless cheater for another 5 minutes, so it's all relative. LOL. This is also why it is important to weed out dates that do not have a shared value system with you. Harley mentions this in his book.
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I agree with this, living well.
I think single mothers have to acknowledge that they are willing to risk falling in love and possibly remarrying if they are going to date at all. It's a possibility. And if so, your eyes have to be WIDE OPEN to the real risks. That's why I would date only childless men if I did date. That might, of course limit my dating pool to zero (because I am sure there are many men who wouldn't want to date me as a single mom).
It's also a possibility to date, fall in love and not marry, but that is very hard too. I am not sure I could fall in love again and not marry (as I am the marrying kind. I love the rhythm of marriage).
Overall, it's a difficult and frankly unfair position to be in. However, I would rather be a single mom for 15 years than be in the presence of a remorseless cheater for another 5 minutes, so it's all relative. LOL. Youare fresh off divorce. Take the time to find your rhythm as a single mom. Join some fun social events that includes single guys. Don't rule out anything. Men in their thirties who are dedicated fathers are good stuff. I have dated men with kids and without. Both have their positives and negatives. The best advice as a single mom is to be happy and thriving on your own. This will give you a good head on your shoulders to choose wisely.
Last edited by My4Loves; 08/04/15 10:56 AM.
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There's no rules for dating, there's just advice.
Dr. Harley often strongly advises women to not remarry before the children are grown, but also to casually date placeholders with no plans to marry.
This is Dr. Harley's advice, not just the forum's.
Why do you feel the need to contradict that advice? Here is the issue with this--and I also think what Dr. Harley was saying to me as well. With dating ALWAYS comes the risk of falling in love. It just does. When that happens, as we know, all bets are off. That is why he encouraged me to WAIT as long as possible to date at all. OS friendships lead to love, we all know that. One cannot say in one breath, "affairs are caused by OS friendships" and then say, "I can have OS friendships as a divorced person and it won't lead to falling in love or having sex or getting married for years and years" in another. It can and it may very well lead to falling in love and then we know it's extremely hard to control. So go ahead and date, but don't pretend like it can't lead to a love affair. It can. And then, you might have sex. Or might want to risk a blended family. We are not ignorant of the love bank model and the possibility of falling in love, PW. Nobody has said there is no risk. In fact, a lot of what has been discussed (in line with advice Dr Harley has given to single moms) is designed to help do the opposite....slow romance down and help a person make a good decision when/if they DO decide to marry, such as: ~ establishing yourself as a single mom first ~ focusing on texting, conversation and OS friendship ~ making the kids a priority, not dating ~ not mixing kids and dating time (these last two are going to limit UA time severely -- at least it has for me -- and lessen the amount of ENs your dates are meeting) ~ casual dating AROUND so that you are meeting many different kinds of men vs focusing on getting into a serious relationship with ONE person For me personally, I feel like, well, if I happen to meet a man that I fall in love with in the next year or two, and we dated for another year or two, my son will be nearly grown anyway. In the end it will be best if I have dated around and have a good sense for what kind of man can meet my needs best and given me adequate time to practice POJA with them during the dating period. Sometimes I think, who knows, maybe one of these guys could end up being my husband in a few years. You never know! Aside from his warnings about remarriage (which he brings up every time he talks to a single mom), the bottom line is that there are no hard and fast MB rules for dating - as markos posted to you pages and pages ago, Dr Harley seems to give different advice out to different single moms based on their goals and situations.
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I agree with this, living well.
I think single mothers have to acknowledge that they are willing to risk falling in love and possibly remarrying if they are going to date at all. It's a possibility. And if so, your eyes have to be WIDE OPEN to the real risks. That's why I would date only childless men if I did date. That might, of course limit my dating pool to zero (because I am sure there are many men who wouldn't want to date me as a single mom).
It's also a possibility to date, fall in love and not marry, but that is very hard too. I am not sure I could fall in love again and not marry (as I am the marrying kind. I love the rhythm of marriage).
Overall, it's a difficult and frankly unfair position to be in. However, I would rather be a single mom for 15 years than be in the presence of a remorseless cheater for another 5 minutes, so it's all relative. LOL. Youare fresh off divorce. Take the time to find your rhythm as a single mom. Join some fun social events that includes single guys. She isn't even divorced yet, M4L, lol.
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Well piglets child is 3 so she will need to wait 15 years to remarry or have sex.
How many men will say, okay i wjll wait 15 years for you? If I were Piglet and going to follow Dr Harley's advice on remarriage, I would probably just avoid dating until my child was much older. Okay. Here's the thing: i probably predict she will contact dr harley and he will tell her to date and find a husband. But we will see Do i win a prize? What? lol. I did not interpret his advice that way. He warned her about remarriage and told her to wait a year before dating to establish herself as a single mom. Plus you were wrong about RS's son not living with her....so minus points there too...
Last edited by SusieQ; 08/04/15 03:06 PM.
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I'm unclear if Dr. Harley's advice to single mothers is not to date at all or not to remarry. Some of the single moms on this board date, but will not get married. But of that's the case, why date? At some point dating will lead to sex, etc. I agree. I see no point in dating if you intend on being single for years. Most men dating are looking for a partner and the ones looking for casual dating are looking for sex. I am kind baffled by the people who think dating has NO purpose besides sex or marriage and wonder if maybe they have had a bad experience or haven't tried it yet (aren't divorced yet). Like M4L, dating has had many benefits for me. It's been fun it's gotten me out of the house given me something to do with my free time it's helped me with lonliness/boredom it's a distraction helped me meet lots of new and different kinds of people Worked on my social/dating and conversation skills (before my ex, I was very shy and NOT good at dating...I have improved a lot!) I am kind of desensitized to the process - I don't get super nervous or butterflies when talking to a good looking man like I did at first, I think this is a good thing... the list goes on. To go from having a family of 4 that I devoted 100% of my time to being all by myself about 40% of the time....not to mention that 99% of my friends and family are not single....was a HUGE adjustment and dating helped me through that process.
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My apologies ... I thought I saw her divorce date was April. I see PW filed in April.
As a still married woman ... focus on you. This is the time to decide how you want to live your life.
Before my divorce was final I jumped into my health. Lost weight, healed my pain, and devoted my time to my kids.
When my divorce went through I was in such a strong place. My WxH actually called me four days after the divorce talking reconciliation. I handed him a list of Just Compensation and he balked, so I jumped into having a great life as a single mom. Never looked back and today still loving my life.
Last edited by My4Loves; 08/04/15 03:33 PM.
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I'm unclear if Dr. Harley's advice to single mothers is not to date at all or not to remarry. Some of the single moms on this board date, but will not get married. But of that's the case, why date? At some point dating will lead to sex, etc. I agree. I see no point in dating if you intend on being single for years. Most men dating are looking for a partner and the ones looking for casual dating are looking for sex. I am kind baffled by the people who think dating has NO purpose besides sex or marriage and wonder if maybe they have had a bad experience or haven't tried it yet (aren't divorced yet). Like M4L, dating has had many benefits for me. It's been fun it's gotten me out of the house given me something to do with my free time it's helped me with lonliness/boredom it's a distraction helped me meet lots of new and different kinds of people Worked on my social/dating and conversation skills (before my ex, I was very shy and NOT good at dating...I have improved a lot!) I am kind of desensitized to the process - I don't get super nervous or butterflies when talking to a good looking man like I did at first, I think this is a good thing... the list goes on. To go from having a family of 4 that I devoted 100% of my time to being all by myself about 40% of the time....not to mention that 99% of my friends and family are not single....was a HUGE adjustment and dating helped me through that process. Dating can have whatever purpose you want. What I am saying is that a man looking for a mate will dump a serial dater. If you are looking for another serial dater, then its a match but eventually he will move on because he is playing the numbers and wants sex, not a relationship or to be a girls "guy friend." I'm not talking about right or wrong. I'm talking about a man finding a mate. I was in sales. Some people will shop and nickel and dime to where you dont make any profit. Does the salesman keep selling to someone who will not buy or does he go to another prospect? Sure, some people will negotiate and want to hang around in the store all day and be your friend but at the end of the day, you either have a sale or no dinner.
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If I were Piglet and going to follow Dr Harley's advice on remarriage, I would probably just avoid dating until my child was much older. Okay. Here's the thing: i probably predict she will contact dr harley and he will tell her to date and find a husband. But we will see Do i win a prize? What? lol. I did not interpret his advice that way. He warned her about remarriage and told her to wait a year before dating to establish herself as a single mom. Plus you were wrong about RS's son not living with her....so minus points there too... Darn! I'm never right!
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On yesterday show Dr Harley answered single mother's email regarding her dating relationship and remarriage. He said it's the same 2 year rule for any couple in romantic relationship, it should either lead to marriage within 2 years or break up.
It's definitely not recommendation to keep dating for 5-10-15 years before get married.
My impression was it's ok to remarry if both are truly committed and clear understand the issues of blended families.
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Dating can have whatever purpose you want Ok, but your earlier posts said that unless you are going to have sex or marry there is no point. That's what I am responding to. What I am saying is that a man looking for a mate will dump a serial dater. If you are looking for another serial dater, then its a match but eventually he will move on because he is playing the numbers and wants sex, not a relationship or to be a girls "guy friend." It's not about what a "mate" wants - I couldn't care less what a guy is looking for. My priority is what's best for me and my children. Dr Harley on dating for single moms: "There are all bad choices. It's about choosing the best worst choice."
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On yesterday show Dr Harley answered single mother's email regarding her dating relationship and remarriage. He said it's the same 2 year rule for any couple in romantic relationship, it should either lead to marriage within 2 years or break up.
It's definitely not recommendation to keep dating for 5-10-15 years before get married.
My impression was it's ok to remarry if both are truly committed and clear understand the issues of blended families. First of all, I am not in a serious relationship. It sounds like this woman is - totally different situations. As markos said earlier, he gives different recommendations based on your situation. The biggest thing he says regarding remarriage is that your children have to be enthusiastic about it, maybe in this woman's case they were. Did you see this from a few pages back? He gave this advice to a poster to keep dating her fiance for a few more years until her children were grown and not marry because they were not enthusiastic: My general advice regarding remarriage after divorce is to make sure that the children are in enthusiastic agreement with the plan. If there is any hesitation, I don�t recommend it, regardless of how much in love the couple are. The couple can continue their relationship until the children are on their own, and marry then. Blended families (marriage after divorce with children), and notoriously fragile, and children often become very jealous of their parent�s time and attention. As a parent watches her children suffer after such a marriage, it inevitably ruins the marriage itself as well as the children.
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Dating can have whatever purpose you want Ok, but your earlier posts said that unless you are going to have sex or marry there is no point. That's what I am responding to. Yes but I was wrong. I looked up the definition of dating and it is just a social engagement. edit: using the definition of dating, there is no "right or wrong" way to date, ie meet in a social engagement. When Harley makes recommendations about dating to divorced women, he is encourages caution because most of these remarriages fail. So the fact is the woman is better off living as a nun so long as she has kids. But, they wont so he tells them to date but he's really trying to slow down the oncoming train. inevitably, they fall in love and want to consider remarriage and then he encourages POJA...even though most wont use it in blended families and end up divorced.
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 08/05/15 10:47 AM.
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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to discuss Marriage Builders concepts and Dr. Harley's views. This is not a platform for personal philosophies and folk wisdom. If you are going to post here, you must abide by those rules, or kindly refrain from posting. If you disagree with Dr. Harley's views, feel free to email him directly at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. It's time for this dating discussion to be over. There are still way too many personal opinions being thrown around here. Thank you.
mizar.mb1@gmail.com
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Note - Do not debate moderator direction on the forum. If you have any issues with moderation, email the moderators.
Last edited by MBSync; 08/05/15 01:47 PM.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Moderator's note: STOP.
Last edited by Mizar; 08/05/15 02:40 PM. Reason: TOS
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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