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Please stop "crumbling" at his feet, because it is not making you look like an attractive opsion. It is making you look like an idiot. Especially you should get a hold of yourself and not have theatrical tendencies in front of your son. He is a child, for crying out loud. You should be the one to make him feel safe. You have no business losing it and having your 7-year-old pick your up from the ground.

Regretfully your are in this mess, because you made choices that you now realize where wrong. You owe it to your son to become the best mother you can. Teach him how to walk with his head up straight. Do not teach him how to wallow in self-pity.

You can do it, although it is hard.

God bless,

Happyheart

Last edited by happyheart; 10/16/13 02:56 PM.

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Are you NC with the OM?

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rocksolid,

Did you expose yourself? Did you offer to take a polygraph?

Perhaps more importantly did you expose OM, there has to be a downside for OM or it's just too crushing for your BH. Was he your boss or in some position of authority or trust where he can be fired for what he did?

God Bless
Gamma

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**edit**

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 10/16/13 05:48 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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A reminder to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with MB concepts. Please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's concepts before posting to others. I see a lot of personal philosophies being posted here. Any questions, please email me.


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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
It's definately over for good. He has chosen the girlfriend over me and remains to live with her and is going to divorce me as soon as possible. I saw him the other day at his work and I can't believe when I crumbled at his feet he stood there and did nothing and let my 7 year old son pick me up off the ground.

I was willing to do anything to repair our broken marriage.

I can't go on I am at my lowest of the low and hardly anyone on here is listening to me or replying.


You are going to have to pull yourself together and if you cannot do so, then walk away from your H next time. Not only was your behavior a huge lovebuster, it was not appropriate to do that in front of your poor child.

This is quite a mess due to the fact that there are affairs on both sides and nothing is going to get resolved overnight. The fact is you may have to wait for this affair to die a natural death.

Have you read up on Plan A? You should be Plan A'ing your H any time you see him (making LB$ deposits, avoiding lovebusters) and trying to look like the attractive option. You will do this for a very short time before moving into Plan B if he will not end his affair. And I agree with BH, you should look into getting on ADs. Do not beg plead or demand your H come back to you. All lovebusters.


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Originally Posted By: pinkstraws
**edit**


I saw this post before it was edited.

Do not argue with your H about the NC letter he sent you. Do not tell him how wrong he is and how unfair this is to your child. That will all just come off as a lovebuster. Besides you need to tread carefully given the fact that you were separated in the first place due to your own affair.

And yes, pink straws, a parent can decide to have NC with another separated/divorcing parent if they wish to. There is nothing "wrong" about that.


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In fact it is often encouraged due to the pain, right?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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As yet I am not familiar with MB philosphies ( spelt wrong ) but have just begun reading them.

I can address your pain though. it is horrible, it physically hurts and it is hard to function at all. the world is black.
BUT YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS.
My pain was no worse or easier than yours and I survived.
Its time and its working towards what you can be doing to start repairing this marriage. I couldn't but trying helped me. I also slowly began to do little things, little bit of gardening, clean a cupboard and I walsked and walked and waklked and talked and talked and talked.
Time is what you need. and AD if available.
Keep warm, wear warm colours and look after yourself and your son.

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Wow so many great replies. Thank you so much everyone. I didn't see the edited posts which I think I should probably be thankful for as I assume they weren't too kind.

Brainhurts - I assume AD means anti-depressants? Yes I have been prescribed them and have started taking them. They are helping me to sleep better at night though I still feel low.

About me exposing his affair - When I confronted the girlfriend I didn't actually say we had been sleeping together, but my husband ending up confessing to her. He then confessed it all to his whole family so everybody knows now. His whole family is standing by him and his girlfriend who lives with him, and they all hate me and want me out of the picture for good. His father served me with the divorce papers yesterday frown

How do I get into Plan B brainhurts? I feel that it's my husband doing all the marriage builders concepts on me. He has sent me a NO CONTACT letter, he seems to be doing Plan B on me by telling me he can no longer see me or have any contact with me and that any contact I have with him he will be showing his girlfriend.

Hi Jedi knight - your advice gives me hope that they may experience conflict if I stay away. At the moment I don't even know when I may see him again as he is not allowed and no one is letting him near me.

Dr Harley still hasn't replied my email. It's been a few days. I'm starting to wonder if he will. The letter to my husband seems a good idea. I think I will write it but not send it just yet.

Hi happyheart - that was great tough advice that I needed to hear and which I have realised as soon as it happenned. You are completely right that I should have held it together for my son. He shouldn't have seen that at all and I regret it. I am his rock and he needs me to be strong. I will not repeat that performance. I love my son so much, we have a very special bond and I WILL be the best mother I can be someone he can be proud of.

TheRoad - yes I am NC with OM. This happenned over a year ago. I had emailed him and told him we cannot talk anymore and that I was selfish and needed to save my marriage. I then deleted my whole email account that I had been using to talk to him. I deleted and blocked his phone number from my phone. I no longer go on the website forum that we met on.

Gamma I did not expose OM. He has noo authority, he is not a boss anywhere, in fact still lives at home with his mother and father and is nearly 40 (I still feel so ashamed at getting involved with someone with no obvious goals in life). I did give my husband the OM's name and address a long time ago as I think he was going to contact him but I do not know if my husband did this or not.

SusieQ - Yes I will not act this way in front of my child ever again. He is a child and deserves to be a child. He should not have to deal with adult situations.

Just wondering SusieQ - how would I go about making Love Bank deposits to my husband if I don't get to see him? His family is making it very hard and WILL NOT let him be near me AT ALL. He is having my son on the weekend but I fear he will be getting picked up by someone in his family as he has mentioned this in an email. And my son has his sports lesson on Saturday which we both always go to and watch. I don't think his girlfriend is even going to allow him to come because she knows I will be there. I think she may well insist to come along too. He is being watched like a hawk and well protected as not to be near ME frown

I really want to make some love bank deposits but find it extremely difficult when I can't see him. Do I just take any chance I get if I do happen to see him?

What love bank deposits could I make that are very quick in case I only see him for a few minutes?

thank you toni999 - yes I am on the AD, only for two days now but sleeping is becoming easier. I have made a list of things that I can do with my life to make my life better and move myself forward. I'm really stumped with the love bank deposits though as I don't get to see him.

Thanks again everyone for your wonderful advice it is most appreciated.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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At least for me, step 1 actually for you would be to affair-proof your M from your end. If you haven't adequately done this, then I personally would not be willing to help you Plan A your H.

Not to mention, this may carry some weight with your H.

When was your last contact with the OM? Who was he and how did you conduct your affair with him (list all the ways and be specific - email? FB? texting?)

How did you end the A and when?

Thanks.


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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
TheRoad - yes I am NC with OM. This happenned over a year ago. I had emailed him and told him we cannot talk anymore and that I was selfish and needed to save my marriage. I then deleted my whole email account that I had been using to talk to him. I deleted and blocked his phone number from my phone. I no longer go on the website forum that we met on.


Ok, I just saw this.

Did you ever have contact again after you told him that you wanted to end the A?

Does your H know that all these EPs were put into place?


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Susie - last contact with OM over a year ago just before my husband and I started seeing each other again. Husband and I started seeing each other again just after he moved this girlfriend into his home (our marital home).

When my husband and I were still living together as husband and wife I would often go on a website that had forums. This is where I met the OM. We started off talking through the website private messaging. This then progressed to emailing. There was never facebook. We later started talking on the phone. During the time I was living with my husband I did not meet the OM in real life. I think this went for about 7 months or so.

My husband and I began fighting all the time and I didn't want to make love to him. I take full responsibility for this as I know it was because I was having an EA. I will not make excuses. This is what it boiled down to.

I moved out into a house that my husband bought for me and have been paying rent to him.

The week I moved out my husband went on a dating website and met the girlfriend and started dating her. He said he wanted to feel wanted again.

My husband kept trying to get me back and I cruelly didn't let him.

After about 7 or 8 months after moving out I met OM in real life. It took so long for him to meet me because he was so shy and scared and inexperienced.

Our EA then became PA. This went on for a few months, me driving to his house to see him over an hour away.

One night I sent OM a text and I accidentally sent it to my husband. My husband was understandably very upset about it.

I started realising I could not continue with the loser of the OM. His true colours were coming to light and I realised he had no goals or ambitions and was going to sponge off his mother and father for the rest of his life.

I started ignoring his phone calls and text messages and didn't want to speak to him anymore.

I ended it via email. Told him I could not continue the relationship. I did not give him a chance to reply. I deleted my email account and deleted his number from my phone. I knew that he would not turn up to my house as he didn't even have his own car to drive over. The only time he came to my house was on the train that took 3 hours and he complained how far it was, so definately no chance of him turning up at my house.

I cancelled my membership with the website I used to go on and gave it up because I knew that OM would still be on there.

Pretty much after that my husband and I started seeing each other again but he was still dating the girlfriend at this time.

But it was a little too late as he had already promised the girlfriend that she could move in with him and said that he couldn't tell her no.

He said he thought it was over for us and that was why he asked her to move in.

So she moved in. So practically the whole time she has lived with him, my husband and I have been seeing each other.

He kept promising me that we would be together and he felt sorry for her and didn't have the heart to throw her out. I kept waiting but she remained there. He said he was trying to be mean to her and not spend time with her in the hope she would leave so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy.

But it never happened. After promising me to last week it was definately over between them and then telling me again that it wasn't, that was when I confronted her.

I don't think my husband knows the exact details of how I ended it with the OM, but he does know there is no contact anymore.

I hope I have answered all your questions.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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I just received a goodbye email from my husband. He loves me and misses me but does not want to jeopardise the relationship with his girlfriend.

He will be divorcing me and I won't be able to do anything about it.

He will no longer be able to talk to me as his girlfriend will be putting a tracer on his phone and be recording all his calls.

All the steps to keep the affair partner away is now being done to me his wife.

I can't go on. I love him with all my heart. Please help. Oh how I wish I had saved my marriage when I had the chance. Oh how I wish I had never confronted her and I would have at least still had him in my life.

So sad he wouldn't stand up and tell his family he loved me :((

So full of sorrow :-((


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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p.s. I'm also scared because my husband knows Doctor Harley's books like the back of his hand and wanted me to do all his concepts and things that he is now going to do this program with the girlfriend.

I know she will probably do everything to keep him and scared she will make all the right love deposits and he will fall so in love with her and forget about me.

He's already doing the radical honesty by handing his phone over and allowing her to put a tracker on it.

He doesn't love her I know this, but now he has chosen her do you think he is going to start loving her if she does all the right things and he tries really hard to love her and do the right things for her too?


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Any more advice in how to Plan A my husband when I don't get to see him would be greatly appreciated. So desperate to get back my love.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Here is a thread that I thought you could read, the BW was the WW first:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...050#Post2482050

There should be one or more radio clips linked in there where she got advice from Dr Harley to Plan A her WH.

I think you should definitely talk to Dr Harley yourself because there are differences, one being that you are out of the house and he lives with the OW and, two, the incident where you crumbled. It may be time for Plan B already. He will be able to tell you that.

If they haven't responded to your email, send another. It couldn't have gotten put into their spam filter (that has happened to me before).


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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
Any more advice in how to Plan A my husband when I don't get to see him would be greatly appreciated. So desperate to get back my love.



RS, you realize nothing is going to get fixed overnight, right? You may very well just have to wait for this A to die a natural death.

In the meantime, be prepared any time you might see him (children's sporting events) look good, be calm, take care of yourself and Plan A your children.


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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
p.s. I'm also scared because my husband knows Doctor Harley's books like the back of his hand and wanted me to do all his concepts and things that he is now going to do this program with the girlfriend.

I know she will probably do everything to keep him and scared she will make all the right love deposits and he will fall so in love with her and forget about me.

He's already doing the radical honesty by handing his phone over and allowing her to put a tracker on it.

He doesn't love her I know this, but now he has chosen her do you think he is going to start loving her if she does all the right things and he tries really hard to love her and do the right things for her too?



If he was "doing MB" with OW, then he wouldn't be living with her and he wouldn't have been carrying on with you behind her back. And he most certainly wouldn't be having an A!

They are in a renter's relationship -- these relationships don't work out in the long term.

RS, you are going to have to really read everything on this site and learn about this program. There is a lot of information on living together before marriage and the renter's mentality in the Q&A articles. Read, read and read.

Don't just come here looking for quick answers and solutions without doing the work of learning, OK?

Last edited by SusieQ; 10/18/13 12:02 PM.

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rocksolid, I would echo Susie's suggestion that you email Dr. Harley directly, and I would include the material in this post:

Originally Posted By: rocksolid
p.s. I'm also scared because my husband knows Doctor Harley's books like the back of his hand and wanted me to do all his concepts and things that he is now going to do this program with the girlfriend.

I know she will probably do everything to keep him and scared she will make all the right love deposits and he will fall so in love with her and forget about me.

He's already doing the radical honesty by handing his phone over and allowing her to put a tracker on it.

He doesn't love her I know this, but now he has chosen her do you think he is going to start loving her if she does all the right things and he tries really hard to love her and do the right things for her too?



If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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