|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
If you refuse to follow the advice from the Forum you may want to consider listening to the Marriage Builders Radio Show.
You can listen to it online on this website.
There is also a free app that can be installed on ylur phone to listen to rebroadcasts of the show.
It is hosted by Dr Harley.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 6 |
I'm sorry if I wasted anybody's time. And thank you all for posting. I think I did get answers to my question. And I will be back to post only if I can be more open. Don't want to waste your time anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
BH, can you do me a favour?
We get lots of people coming back saying "I should have done exposure. My spouse's addiction to the Other Person got worse as did their guilt and it changed them completely. Now everyone loves the Other Person who they think is an innocent new partner. Everyone thinks the M ended because I am a bad spouse/am abusive."
However we never get anyone telling us that they recovered their marriage without exposure. Not once have I seen a BS helping their WS lie achieve anything but more lies.
If you are the first one to pull off such an impossible feat, can you come back and tell us?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
I just respect my wife too much to do anything behind her back. Breaking up this A and helping your wife to stop her addiction is how you show her respect. If she was an alcoholic would you stand back and give her space? Right now all you are doing is enabling her affair and hoping the addict will do the right thing with no intervention on your part. As you can see, your WW, as all waywards, cannot find the strength to end it on her own. she is the process of ending it This is hopeless until you KILL the affair and the fantasy your wife is living in.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
Your WW wants you to fight for her. Do you think that the OM is sitting idly by on the sidelines waiting for her to decide?
My money is on OM fighting for YOUR wife. Are you going to let him steal her from you?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
My money is on OM fighting for YOUR wife. Mine too, sadly. BH loves his wife very much, that is clear. But she has whipped him so bad with the affair-whip that he is too scared to do much. He is voluntarily calling himself BadHusband for the love of sanity. That's how gaslighted he is. BS's who have been beaten down this much won't act until things get much worse with the A taking over. So I will wait for BH to get serious. He may be back. Hopefully not when it is past the point of no return. Does anyone have the radio link of the H who Plan Nice'd for ages without ANY action against the affair? Dr Harley told him on the air he had killed his marriage through inaction if I remember rightly. Dr Harley said it was now too late for him to do anything.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/24/13 10:00 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900 |
badhusband;
I do understand your wanting to be honest with, and respectful of, your wife and her feelings. Especially since you carry guilt from not being as good a husband as you now realize you ought to have been. I was in your position when I arrived here.
However, it seems you do not realize that your wife is ADDICTED to this affair. She can NOT end it on her own. (And notice, so far she hasn't.) She NEEDS you to be strong, and do all you can to end the affair. She may even believe she wants to end the affair, but she will not be able to.
My formerly wayward husband now tells me exactly this, that he WANTED to end it, but he COULD NOT. In my desperation to establish a mature and open communication with him, I only ENABLED the affair for a further 6 months. I didn't really see the nature of his addiction, nor the fact that he, in his wayward state, was not the man I married.
YOU must be the strong one. Act swiftly to kill the affair, via full exposure, WITHOUT DISCUSSING WITH YOUR WIFE. That is the act of love she needs from you now.
You can do this...
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709 |
She feels very bad about what she did. Living a life of deceit and hurtful actions is very depressing. Help her out of it and KILL this affair.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335 |
Your WW wants you to fight for her. Do you think that the OM is sitting idly by on the sidelines waiting for her to decide?
My money is on OM fighting for YOUR wife. Are you going to let him steal her from you? +1000 Fight for your wife BadHusband. She needs you and wants you to.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704 |
Bad husband,
I would strongly urge you to sit down with her and tell her that she is to end the affair immediately. And part of that will be her writing a no contact letter to the other man and informing family of what has been happening. See what her response is. This will determine if she is serious or not.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Thank you all for replying. I've read a few posts and you all seem to be very friendly and helpful. I want to be honest here, while being anonymous. I don't want to go behind my wife's back. I want to be upfront with her as much as possible. So I don't want to post details here without asking her first.
If possible I'd like to discuss the theory of plan A, without discussing details about my personal case. I understand if you think you can't help me without that information. I just respect my wife too much to do anything behind her back.
I understand plan A involves exposure, but say she's in the process of ending it, Dr H. said men should wait up to six months for the affair to end, before moving to plan B. So what can I do in those 6 months (apart from exposure)?
I AM a bad husband, I'm the reason she felt so lonely and unhappy that she had the affair. Not only I didn't meet her needs, she told me how sad she was several times, I felt guilty about it for a few days, but then felt comfortable and fooled myself that she was better, and slowly went back to neglecting her (subconsciously). This happened a few times through the years. The first and only thing you should do if you are serious about saving your marriage is expos� the affair. We can't possibly help you if you won't do this because no amount of advice will compensate for your enabling. Like Dr Harley says, it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. You won't be able to meet her needs while she is in an affair and the longer this goes on, the more entrenched the affair will become. The more entrenched it is, the more likely she is to leave you. The more entrenched it is, the less likely you will save your marriage. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring and if/when the affair does die and she comes out from the fog, she will remember that you did not care enough to do anything to help her or your marriage. In short, there is nothing we can do to help you if you insist on enabling the affair because this is hopeless. I am sorry. I know that is not the answer you wanted but it is the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
In short, you have confused the practice of enabling with an act of compassion. But it is not compassionate to enable someone to wreck their lives. Your wife is making the biggest mistake of her life. She will regret her affair for the rest lf her life. And you are an accessory to the crime.
A loving, caring husband would not sit by idly while his wife behaved in such destructive behavior. He would do everything in his power to help her. What you are doing is the equivalent of driving the alcoholic to the bar so she will like you.
God help you when her fog wears off and she remembers that you sat there and did NOTHING.
Addicts do not remember their enablers fondly. But they do remember the ones who cared enough to stop them with warmth and love for the rest of their lives.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
I read a lot of men try to "give space" but that might only work if you are married to another man. As cheesy as it is, we women need to feel as if a man is fighting for us, pursuing us, would move MOUNTAINS to be with us.
If you "give her space", you are essentially letting the other man do that work for you. So why would she come back to you? "Space" = don't care. It really is that simple for us.
You're not married to a man - go GET YOUR WIFE if you love her so much!
Last edited by alis; 10/24/13 12:37 PM.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
225
guests, and
72
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,495
Members71,968
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
