Hello All,

I'll try to summarize my situation breifly. I'm 45 my wife 40 we have three kids 12 9 8, married 12 years. About 5 months ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with another married man (46, wife 38, 2 kids 12 & 8). After a week of initial shock and desperation, intense anger and jealousy set it. And I did many love busters (but no physical violence). I wanted to try and work things out, my wife wasnt sure at first. Then she said she doesn't think it will work out. He behavior and attitude follow textbook wayward spouse script. I've made other mistakes too like crying in front of her, begging her to stay, being moody between nice and angry.

At first I only exposed it to the other man's wife. It back fired because their marriage was bad for several years. And this was the last straw for his wife. She is going to file for divorce. Other man also wants a divorce. Only a month ago I started exposing it to our friends and my wifes family.
My wife has avoided her family and I think most of her friends, so I'm not sure what influence they can have on my wife.

We have a rental condo and the tenant moved out at the end of Dec. I suggested to my wife to move out. Partly because I can't take the pain anymore of living with her know she is still seeing the other guy. And I would lose my temper about once a week and do a big love buster. So she moved out a week ago.

I have tried to do some Plan A things. I lost weight (easy to do when you are depressed), started working out, I try to pay more attention to my wife, do more fun things with her and the kids (I planned a trip to Disneyland during the holiday break), I'm dressing nicer.

She said she had the affair because she wasnt happy. But never talked to me about this before. And because of my anger and over reaction to the affair, now she really lost her love for me. We went to counseling a few times. But since my wife wont stop seeing the other guy or commit to reconciling, the counseling didnt accomplish much.

I discovered the affair maybe a month or two into the relationship, and just before it became physical. So I know there are in the Lalaland newly in love phase. I thought and even told my wife I'll wait til that wears off. But it's too much. 5 months has passed. I filed for divorce. I felt like I had no other choice. I still love my wife. I want to reconcile. I'm willing to try and fix any mistakes that were my fault regarding the marriage. I never thought our marriage with this bad.

My wife move out Monday, but came back home Tue & Th to make dinner for the kids, and she has been home for the 3 day weekend. It's confusing to me. She won't tell me to stop the divorce process. But she is dragging her feet too. I sense she is still ambivalent about what to do.

One part of me want to try and be nice and win her back. But the other part says that will just let her get away with the affair and keeping her family at the same time. I feel like there should be some consequence. I suppose the pending divorce is, but it doesnt seem to phase her at all.

Any advice?

Mistake to not do a full exposure.

Bigger one to ask WW to move out because you made it easier for her to carry on her affair.

How did WW meet the OM?

She met OM through another business acquaintance. I also told that person about the affair.

I made so many mistakes unfortunately. I wonder if i messed so badly where there is no chance to reconcile.

I asked her to move out because she was blatently carrying on the affair anyway. She wasnt even trying to hide it. There was so much tension between us and i know our kids could sense it. And i could not take it anymore. Should i ask her to move back in now? She has been home the last three days anyway.

BH,
I dont think you made a mistake by insisting she leave.
A woman should not be allowed to carry on an affair in the marital home.

Sir,
I have kids close to the same ages as yours.
Have you exposed the affair to your kids?

Also, since divorce has been filed I encourage you to fight for full custody.
Tell your attorney you want a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) appointed to represent the kids.
Your wife has abandoned her kids and the court needs to know that.

Have you done a background check on OM?

In the meantime.....KEEP A RECORDER ON YOU AT ALL TIMES.
SHE MAY HAVE RETURNED TO GET YOU THROWN OUT OF THE HOME OVER A FALSE RAPE OR ASSAULT ALLEGATION....

BH808, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You are in the right place.

I think it is a good idea that she moved out in your case BECAUSE it was too painful to have her affair rubbed in your nose. With her gone, you have a better chance of wooing her back and competing with that turd. If you are nicer and more attractive to be with, it will cause huge conflict in her affair. And you already have a massive advantage in that you have history with her and you are the father of her kids!!

On the other hand, the OM is a low down sleazebag who doesn't care about your wife. The traits that made their affair possible, selfishness, thoughtlessness and deceit will destroy their relationship eventually. All you have to do is NOT cause any trouble so you don't become a lightening rod and a distraction from their problems.

BUT, I want to make sure you have properly exposed the affair. Have your children been told of the affair? What about the OM's parents? If not, I would get those exposures done and then focus entirely on being an awesome husband. [no lovebusters!!]

Also, the affair will die faster now that they are out in the open. It won't be propped up by fantasy.

Get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can so you understand the dynamics you are dealing with here.

You are getting some great advice from good posters already.

Wanted to say welcome and just add that it seems you are doing a lot of things right in terms of tracking down OM's W and working on Plan A.

I just want to add that if there are any people left such as the workplace (you said business acquaintance but it's unclear to me whether this is through her work) and children and remaining family members, church, etc, please get to the rest of these folks in a very short time, a day if possible and encourage them to contact your WW and tell her to end her affair and return to her family.

I'd also encourage you to answer all the posts and don't disappear as some people tend to do. That makes it difficult to help.

They dont work for thd same company. The OM owns a small local magazine business. The OMW has been exposing the affair on the OMs side even though she has no intention of saving her marriage.

Now that my wife has moved out, should i continue Plan A? Or move to Plan B? I did get the book
Surviving an Affair recently. I wish i got it earlier.

My wife seems somewhat responsive to my Plan A efforts. But im not sure if she just wants thd best of both worlds.

Dr Harley would probably advise you to Plan A for a couple years.

Have you done a background check on OM?

Do you have a recorder on you at all times?

I did a background check on OM. No criminal record. Doesnt own any real estate. His wife gave me a lot of other information about him personally. He is a jerk. Has cheated before. He is a smooth talker. Doesn't spend much time with his wife or kids. I'm not sure what my wife sees in him.

Oh Man, Plan A for a couple years? I barely made it through 5 months. Isn't that just letting my wife do what she wants? Have a another man on the side and still keep her family? In the book it says Plan a for 6 months (for men). Then Plan B for a couple years. I'm not sure if I should go Plan B yet. I just stopped my Love Buster activity. Plus I already filed for divorce.

I always have my smartphone with voice recorder on me.

BH, you can be in Plan A as long as you can stand it. When you get to the point where you start suffering, it is time to go into Plan B. With men, Dr Harley is more flexible, so you need to let yourself be the guide. In Plan A, you aren't necessarily going along as part of her personal harem, you are competing with a turd who doesn't care about her. He is bound to lose in competition with you.

On the other hand, you are completely and fully entitled to cut bait and leave the marriage. No one would fault you if you decided to move on. But if you want to save your marriage, there is hope if you can stand staying in Plan A. The longer you can stay in Plan A, the rougher you make it for the POSOM.

p.s. if the affair has not ended in 2 years, you should give up and move on because it is hopeless.

BH808, there are some men on this board that did extensive Plan A ..or are currently doing one...

Personally, I think you have a full plate and should focus on your kids.

I became a single parent of 3 so I understand part of your challenges.

Since divorce has already been filed, I would focus on getting custody of the children.

I really have to think about this. I dont know if I can stand 2 years. Also it seems like every time I pull away, she tries to draw me back in a little by doing something that gives me just enough hope. For example, she moved out last Monday. She came to the house Tue Thu but I made sure I wasn't around. So she comes over on Sat and stayed continuously til today Monday. We ate dinner as a family Sat night, she cooked dinner Sun, we went to lunch this afternoon. She was in a better mood and friendly. Even let me touch her a little in a affectionate way (ie massage her). It was almost as if there was no affair. But then tonight she will probably see the OM and not come home/stay at the condo.
I did talk to her just before she left and told her I really want to work things out. And that we can create a new relationship, as I don't think we want to go back to the previous one. I also apologized for all the times I got angry or over-reacted about the affair. I think she really listened to me. I made it clear I know I was not fulfilling all her needs. And that the OM somehow was giving her those needs. She seemed to understand that. I asked her to please let me know what he gives her that I have not. I said it's not that I didnt want to. It's just that I didnt know what those needs are. And I thought I was doing other things to make her happy. I hope to continue this type of conversation with her.

I feel for you.
I've been there...my wife would say she's going to have "alone time" and disappear for an hour or days.
She eventually became so unreliable she couldnt perform basic tasks like pick up my kids from school.

That's what concerns me about your wife.
When a woman leaves her kids (this is my feeling/opinion) then the kids need to be protected from her.

Most women/mothers find walk away moms to be very immoral.

BH808, the amount of time you give it is entirely up to you. Only you know what you can endure. The 2 year mark should be the limit. You may not want to go that long. I do agree with Jedi that it is a good idea to try and get custody. Your wife has lost her mind so it is a good time to get legal protection of your kids.

Hopefully you have told your kids all about her affair? That is a very important step.

I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression about her moving out and abandoning the kids totally. Before my wife left, we agreed on when she would visit the kids. After school Tue & Thur. All day Saturday. My attorney is working on formalizing that arrangement as a temporary custody arrangement until the Divorce is finalized. I really feel like I jumped the gun on filing for divorce. I'm pretty sure I let my emotions decide too quickly about that. It's not what I really wanted. And I don't think my wife even knows what she wants. I feel like if I back down now, it will look like I was bluffing.

I think part of the reason my wife left is that I did so many Love Busting things the first few months, I'm sure it drove her into the arms of the OM. I think I need to take an anger management class or some counseling.

Sir that's still abandonment.
There is a difference between visiting kids and parenting them.
She has chosen OM over her kids.

Have you exposed to the kids?
I think you do the right thing in filing so you have legal protection

Yes they must be told mom is having an affair and who the OM is.