This is my first post here. I have been doing a lot of reading the past few months and have read so many posts that I can relate to. This morning I have so much inside and I feel that this is the only place I can go where people will truly understand.

My husband is active duty army currently on his 3rd deployment. We have been married 17 years and have a daughter who just turned 16. The early years of our marriage were rocky and both of us did things that we shouldn't have, but when he came home from his 1st deployment he seemed all about family and that he wanted things to work out. Things were good and we weathered a 2nd deployment. Again he came home all about family so I felt that things were good. Although I noticed changes in him. He wasn't as patient, seemed to get angry easier, and his driving scared me to death.

In August 2012 we were transferred to Fort Hood, TX. This was a big move for us because we were planning for his retirement. We bought a house that we felt we could live in long term. It was about 25 minutes from the base. He didn't want to be near soldiers when he was off. He found out he would be deploying again. I could tell that he was struggling. He would say that he didn't think he had another deployment in him. He became more distant. The everyday stresses of life and the things to do around the house were getting to him. Money was also tight so he wasn't able to do some of the things he enjoyed. He would tell me to let him know if we didn't have the money since I had always done the finances. He never wanted to sit down with me so I could show him our expenses. Despite everything going on our relationship seemed good. I saw no red flags. When he deployed in April 2013 he said he loved me and to keep my chin up because this wouldn't last long. This deployment was different than the others because he was doing a desk job. We would video chat almost everyday. I could tell he was stressed about his job and the added pressure he was under. I tried to be supportive and sent him packages and emails to let him know how much I loved him. In mid July he told me that he would be doing a 2nd job that would be a bit more dangerous. I wasn't thrilled. That is when the changes came. I could see how tired he was when we talked. His mood was low too. He started smoking and his calls were less frequent. I also noticed he was spending more money than usual. His mid-tour was scheduled for the end of August so we began to plan some of the things we were going to do. It was also our daughter's birthday and I was planning a party for her. Discussion about his parents and his brother's family coming caused stress. I told him that I was concerned that with 6 extra people in the house it would be more chaotic and he would have to divide his attention in so many different directions. I was ok with just his parents, which was the original plan. After this disagreement he became even more distant and stopped saying he loved me in his emails. When I asked him about it he just said that he was really busy.

On the morning of August 25 he shows up at the house and immediately starts packing his things. I had no idea that he was coming. He would not hug me or show me any affection and announced that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. The time he had while deployed had made him think about things. He started bringing up stuff that happened early in the marriage, over 9 years ago. He said he couldn't get over it and that we were done. He also admitted to cheating and kept saying he had done terrible things to me in the marriage. He would not elaborate. He kept saying he wasn't happy, that he didn't feel right in the head and hated people. He also said he had thought about suicide and that he knew he needed to find a counselor to help him. It was like talking to a different man. He was rushing around trying to pack and I could tell that he didn't want anything to do with me. It almost felt like if he had slowed down to think about what he was doing he would lose his nerve. After 2 hours he left. I have no idea where he went and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. That night I called his parents and spoke to his mom. She informed me that they were advised not to come and that I had said his brother's family wasn't welcome in our house. I told her that isn't what I said and explained that I thought it might be better for everyone to come when he was home for good. I asked her if she blamed me for this and her response was that I must have said something much worse because he was crying when he told her these things. She then said she was upset and hung up on me. I haven't talked to her since. About 3 days later my husband shows up with the sheriff to get more of his stuff. He again showed no emotion towards me and didn't want anything to do with me. That would be the last time I would see him except for the hour he spent at our daughter's party. He was even weird at the party. He smoked like a chimney and just seemed like he was checked out. The whole time he was home he wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even come to the house. He cut me off completely, made changes to his pay, and filed for divorce. I have been completely blindsided by all of this and never saw it coming. The day he left to go back he posted on his Facebook page that he had fun with his parents and our daughter (who he saw less than 10 hours the entire time he was home), did some necessary cleanup, and that it went too fast. I guess I was the necessary cleanup he was talking about. He also deleted any pictures that I was in. I am angry, sad, and hurt by all of this.

It has been easier to deal with now that he is gone again, but I am still walking around wondering how all of this happened. I forgot to mention that he spent his 2 weeks drinking, spending lots of money, getting tattoos (he had none), and hanging around people I have never met. I'm not even sure how he met them. I also have no idea where or who he stayed with. Nothing about his behavior was normal. I was able to talk to his SGM who is deployed with him. He has met me. When I told him the situation he was shocked. I also told him about his thoughts of suicide. He said that my husband would be command referred to mental health as soon as he got back. I hung up the phone feeling hopeful, but I now have doubts that it actually happened.

On Veteran's Day (how ironic), I finally started to put the pieces together. I had not been able to figure out where he stayed and who he was with when he was on leave. After reading a few Facebook messages from him to our daughter and looking at his friend list I found someone who he worked with, a woman. She had gone on leave the exact same dates as my husband. Turns out he actually got here the 24th. I went to her Facebook page, nothing was private so I could see everything. I started looking at all her comments, especially the ones from when he was on leave. There were vague comments after that, but 2 stood out to me. The 1st was "I have finally found "the one"! Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you the most, feeling satisfied". Someone commented asking for details and all she said was when the time is right. The other was "the grass is not always greener on the other side, take deep breaths and it will all be over in 90 days...". Then on November 12th she posted 2 pictures of my husband with someone he worked with at a different duty station. She tagged him, but the pictures weren't on his page.

Then it clicked! He left me for her. She is the reason he got 3 tattoos, spent our savings, drank like a fish, spent barely any time with our daughter when he was home. And she is the reason he filed for divorce. I realize that in the end it was his decision, but she must have been his sounding board. Every complaint he had about me and our marriage she probably twisted to make it worse and he already wasn't mentally stable. I think they slept together during the time he became distant. The reason he wouldn't look at me or touch me was because this was probably one of the terrible things he was referring to. He felt guilty! After putting the pieces together I realized that he had stayed with her and that all of his "new" friends were her friends.

So here's my big question...this woman is divorced twice and has 2 kids. One is 12 and the other is 3. He left one household to be with another? It makes no sense to me except that she lives how he wants to live right now. She, and her friends, are in to motorcycles, tattoos, and guns. Well when he was home he got 3 tattoos, one is a skull wearing a top hat holding the death hand of poker (she really likes skulls), one is on his ring finger, and the other is on his left wrist. It was difficult to make out from the picture. He also bought another gun and will probably get a motorcycle when he gets back. I also think he is going to move in with her permanently. Plus I am sure they all smoke.

He will be home in the next 2 weeks and our daughter wants to be there to greet him. I am apprehensive since there has been NC since he returned to Afghanistan last September. I do not want a divorce and I don't think he knows I have figured out all the details of why he left. I have thought about ways to expose the affair but don't want to do anything to push him closer to her.

I don't know where to go from here. Please help me figure this all out....

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry that you are here. You are in the right place to get the help that you need.

The first thing I would suggest is to read the link at the top of the forum:Start Here First Have you started reading through the website? Also, I would immediately find "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and start reading it also.

Im so sorry.

Dr Harley would encourage you to expose this affair far and wide and especially to the military Inspector General office.

OutOfDarkness,

Am I reading between the lines correctly that you had an affair some time ago your WH never got over?

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

Especially the part about how to expose in the military?

Yes Gamma you are correct. It was an EA that happened during his first deployment. I was a lot younger and did it out of revenge, which I know is wrong. While on his first deployment he did a lot of "chatting" with girls online. One afternoon while I was at work a woman called me. I have no idea how she got my number. She asked who I was. I told her I was his wife and asked who she was. She told me that they had been talking online and planned to meet when he returned. I did confront my husband about it. He tried to tell me that it all started when one of the guys he worked with made him a yahoo messenger profile. Fine, but he didn't have to go along. The incident caused a lot of problems for us and I really didn't know if we would stay together.

I will not say that I am without fault for things that have happened during our marriage. I accept total responsibility for my actions and behaviors. It has taken a long time but I have forgiven myself.

I honestly believe that my husband is bringing up old issues to shift the blame on to me. That way he can justify what he is doing so that in his mind it is ok. In all the years since that happened it was not brought up, either in a fight or in a general conversation. I believe something happened during this deployment to "trigger" those feelings to the surface. He has PTSD and should not have deployed in the first place.

Please read the Exposure thread posted above and then come back with an Exposure Plan

How are you doing?

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? What is your exposure plan?

It's been a few days since I have been able to post. Nothing is really any different. I am still waiting to find out exactly when he is coming back.

I have looked at the exposure thread and am still trying to decide the best way to go. I feel like I need a bit more concrete evidence. Most of what I have is circumstantial. My hope is that it will come out when he talks to our daughter. That would be the best way. Even though I am scared to expose what is happening I know that it must be done. We may not get back together anyway so I have nothing else to lose. I do not want him to feel like he can treat me like this and get away with it.

You said on your first post that he admitted to cheating on you. Lots of waywards lie and deny, but yours actually came out and admitted to it. I would expose using his own confession.

Unfortunately I do not think he was to confessing to what he is currently doing. Apparently he has cheated in the past and I never knew about it. I think his comment "I have done horrible things to you in the marriage" is a confession to all, but not admitting to what the OW he has now...if that makes any sense.

I know exposure is the right thing to do. When I see him I will know what direction to take. Going to the homecoming is a big step for me. I am renouncing fear and getting out of my comfort zone. I'm sure it will be awkward. We have not seen or talked to each other in 5 months.

God has a plan and I trust that he will guide me where I need to be.

And why do you think God led you here?

Well I took my daughter to the homecoming last night. He had no idea that we were going to be there. He even texted her when he got off the plane to see what she was doing. She played it off. He did not look happy to see us, especially me. He actually had her dad there to pick him up. He introduced me as ******* and I said "his wife". He just kept saying he needed to get his truck from storage and get his room in the barracks (I am sure it is only for show).

He did say that I looked nice, but wouldn't hug me or anything. Said he wasn't trying to be rude but it was awkward. At that point we left. We waited hours for 10 minutes with him. I was proud of myself because I didn't cry. He kept asking if "you girls" are going straight home and he would call later. It was horrible because he always referred to us as his girls. He also asked me if I cancelled the insurance on his truck.

He did text our daughter later saying he wanted to see her today. At first he wanted to sign her out of school early, I said no to that. Then he had the nerve to ask her if she thought I would be ok if he hung out at the house with her. Hmmm, NO! He also asked her to ask me to print him an insurance card. Again, NO! That's not my responsibility. The best part was when he told her to let me know that he wasn't trying to be rude but he wasn't expecting us to be there. During the conversation he again said I looked nice, at one point he said really nice. He mentioned seeing both of us today. I told her that she needed to not be in the middle and if he wanted to see or talk to me he could contact me himself.

This is definitely going to be a wild ride. "She" comes back this weekend so he will probably be more scarce. He just doesn't have anything to do right now.

I am definitely going to expose them. I just need to think it all out so I don't make a mistake. Hopefully he will tell our daughter everything. When we left the gym I told her to be prepared that there is another woman. I said I was pretty sure just didn't know who. I have no intention initiating any contact with him. He expects me to be the same doormat I was when he left. Well he will be shocked to find out I am not.

Any tips for exposure would be much appreciated..

Where are you at in the D process?

You should be the one to expose to your daughter. Vaguely telling her to prepare that an OW may be in the picture isn't exposure. You need to tell her firmly that her dad is having an affair with another woman.

Welcome to MB

Nobody can help you if you dont follow the advice.
Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose the affair.
You need to expose to the military IG.
Please prepare a list of family and friends, clergy and the OW family and friends and prepare for exposure .
Post your exposure letters here for review.

Here is an update of my situation...

My husband blew our daughter off all weekend. He had made plans to spend time with her Friday and she was supposed to text him when she got home from school. She texted 3 times and he didn't answer any of them. She also texted him Saturday and he didn't respond. I was so mad that on Sunday I texted him "Are you going to spend any time with your daughter today?" No response. A few hours later I texted "Why don't you want to spend any time with your daughter? You are really hurting her." No response. She even texted him "Why are you ignoring me?" No response. She cried all night.

He actually sent me a text Monday morning to say he wasn't ignoring anyone. He had been trying to get his truck fixed and look for an apartment. I guess he won't be allowed to stay in the barracks much longer. He also said he planed to pick our daughter up from school and what time he was getting off work. I waited 40 minutes and replied that she had tutoring and told him what time to pick her up. He even texted me when he was on his way to her school. I thought he would take her to dinner or something, but all he did was drop her off at the house. He drove 30 minutes to spend 10 with her. WTF?!?!?

When she came in she told me about their conversation. He basically said that he didn't hate me and that he still has feelings for me. He just wants to do things he wasn't allowed to do. Again, WTF?!?!? He said he looked at a few apartments but none of them worked out and he wasn't sure he would be able to pay for them. The biggest shocker of the conversation was when he said the tattoo on his ring finger was my name. I have wondered for months about it and now that I know I am more confused than ever. He also said that he planned on getting a tattoo of our daughter's name and asked if she wanted to go when he got it. She told him yes. However, I would prefer she not go.

I don't know if he has been spending time with OW. She got back Sunday morning and I saw that he texted her twice. There was no response from her. He also texted her twice Monday morning. She responded once. There was also a 1 minute phone call which could be him leaving a voice mail.

I ended up calling his chaplain yesterday morning. This was before I knew what he told our daughter. I explained everything and my concerns. This is the first time someone has brought up ptsd before I did. Since the conversation was confidential I gave my husband's name. I did not give "her" name but gave enough information that it could easily be figured out. This chaplain hadn't deployed with my husband but when I said my husband had talked to a chaplain while deployed he knew who he could talk to about this. Since I don't have a lot of concrete proof, which I told the chaplain, he is supposed to talk to the chaplains who were deployed and call me back before my husband is approached. I know that he is going to be furious but I just keep telling myself that I am doing things based on his behavior and choices. He will try to twist this on me like I am causing trouble for him, but I have nothing else to lose. He has already left, filed for divorce, and hasn't communicated with me at all.

I realize that this isn't exposing the affair, but I don't feel like I have enough proof at this time.

What are you doing to get proof? What snooping tactics are you using?

I am not doing as much as I wish I could. I do not have access to his cell phone, except to login and see the call/text history. I don't have access to his tablet, his Facebook or his email. I really don't know what I can do besides hire a PI and I am not sure I have the money to do that.

who knows. maybe you showing up to see WH when he got home had an impact on the skank's dad who was also there, right?

this is an example of the power of exposure. please press ahead. seems to me like you have plenty of evidence.

maybe skank's dad thought you were already divorced or some such nonsense. maybe skank's dad helped cool things down after he saw you and your daughter and was able to put a human face to this mess.

you've got to keep going if you want a chance to get your husband back. he sounds shaky. unable to pay for an apartment. possibly on shaky ground with skank. please press forward quickly and decisively. you have an opportunity here.

I definitely need to be strategic from here on out. The OW is getting careless. She tagged my husband at a bar with her tonight on Facebook. I actually had a friend go to this bar because my husband does not know her. She said the place was a biker bar and when she got there my husband was laughing and interacting with the people he was with. He also was next to OW with his hand on her chair. One of the other guys in the group made a derogatory comment and my friend asked him not to use the word he used. OW jumped in. Then she kept asking my friend why she was staring at her. My friend didn't back down and sarcastically asked where she was "allowed" to look. There were a few more words exchanged between them. My friend said that when the altercation started my husband got quiet and finally told OW to shut up. He also walked away to talk to someone else.

Listening to my friend describe the bar and people he was with validates my belief that he is running from his life. The people he is associating with are nothing like anyone he has ever hung out with before. This must be one of the things he wasn't allowed to do that he now wants to do.

My friend also said how disgusting looking OW was. She said she was very aggressive and dominant and that my husband seemed more passive. The exact opposite of me.

I definitely plan on exposing them when I hear back from the chaplain. Now that I have an eye witness to them being together I feel like I will be taken seriously. My friend purchased a drink so she has a receipt tying her to the location and I took a screen shot of the Facebook post.

I now believe that this woman pushed herself on my husband and with the stress of the deployment and being away from home he wasn't strong enough to say no. He is shaky and not thinking clearly. I just have to remain strong and not let this break me.