Megz, how is plan B going? How are you feeling now? Hope you and your kids are okay

I think I am done with this marriage. I have mediation for our divorce this Wednesday, exactly 1 year from DDay.
Here's a recap:
WH meets OW Sept. 2011, stay "friends" for 1 year, although they were doing things together, like riding horses and lunches and stuff. October 2012 She has bad horse accident, lands in hospital for a few weeks, he realizes he can't live without her, serious affair starts.
He filed the divorce last January, but didn't have me served,and denied it when I found out about it. I finally responded in July so the time limit didn't run out and he would have to be accountable for all the money in between then.
Plan B started June 2013. As far as I know PA started March 2013 until October 2013, not sure about now, but it was always an "accident, we didn't mean for it to happen". Hmmmm, but you were sleeping in each other's beds half naked, interesting how that might happen.
Anyway, a lot of crap has happened during Plan B that I'm sure you will get after me for even knowing about. There was his half-hearted attempt at reconciliation in September. Ever since then has been lots of him saying he wants to come home, he does actually love me, he needs me and wants to date me always, etc. But EXTREMELY wishy-washy because then he will turn around and tell someone, "I just don't want to be miserable the rest of my life (with me)" or "I just don't think we can make it." Not to mention him telling OW how she is perfect for him, he can't wait 'til this (our marriage) is over so they can move forward. That I got from an email she forwarded me. Disgusting. And her family simply adores him, it's ridiculous. I tell ya, he could win an award for his acting skills.
Above all, I have just lost feeling for him. I think I still love the old him, before he turned into a WH. I'm just not sure he can get back to being that man. He's the sort who will have to get divorced, ruin his family, marry the whore, and THEN figure out she's not perfect. Just can't seem to take anybody else's word for it.
I am also extremely disgusted with his fathering skills. If I could I would make sure my kids never had to see him again. He has missed our sweet little angel baby's first year of life, she is the most adorable thing ever and yet when he holds her it's like he's a robot. Like, oh, here's this cute baby, like she's a puppy or something that doesn't need any care or attention from her own father. He throws a lot of money and gifts at the kids but on Christmas turned his phone off so they couldn't even contact him, and made NO attempt to contact them at all. I think Christmas was my major turning point. I just can't see anyone with humanity doing that to their kids.

Am I wrong? Has anyone else felt like this about their WS missing Christmas? Somebody please tell me if they see ANY HOPE in this situation at all?

(and no, Plan B was not as tight as it should have been, there were too many times he said he was ready to cut it off so I broke Plan B so we could do it together, then he would retreat, and it was back to the cycle. I probably restarted Plan B 6 times in the last 6 months. Yes, I am kicking myself for even believing those times. I am working on not being so trusting.)

On a great note, I got straight A's last semester in college, and am well started on this semester!

Yes, i can definitely relate and sympathize.

My WW has not picked up or even called our S-10 in 359 days. She too didn't even bother to call him on Christmas, nor get him any Christmas Presents or even send him a card.

It has been so long that it doesn't hurt me personally anymore, except for how it must affect our Son. He never did anything to deserve this abandonment.

I hope you close off those gaps in your Plan B. It will help you to detach and not feel personally violated.

LTL

Thanks Learned, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I have mediation tomorrow. Attorneys are gung-ho about getting this done, and I told WH long ago that I wouldn't stop a divorce. if he wanted to stop it, he had to stand up and do something about it. Trial is in a month, if mediation doesn't work out. If he tries to stop it, I am asking for an anti-nup to protect me and the kids if he backslides.

Question:
If WH expresses desire to stay married, is that enough for me to hold out hope of us recovering?

He didn't come to mediation. Just yesterday he came to my house while I was gone to school, shoveled the driveway and left a pizza to bake.

I was in a real bad mood when I wrote the last couple of posts on here. I am still willing to reconcile our marriage, but of course first things first, he will have to stop having an affair.

Was I wrong to respond to the divorce proceedings? I haven't done a very good Plan B.

His family has wondered if they should contact the OW or her family to try to break things up. I'm not sure if that's a good or effective thing to do or not.

Any thoughts?

No. It just means he wants to keep you around as an option. You would be Option #2.


Right.


It can be effective, but the affair has gone on for so long it will be minimal. But it would be worth the effort.

The best thing you could do is go into Plan B and get serious. He knows you are not serious.

Thank you Melody, I appreciate the reinforcement!

I did a great Plan B last summer, then in September he said he was ready to NC, so that's when I let him contact me, which was obviously a mistake.

Back to Plan B!

Megz,

Before you break Plan B he must meet your conditions. That should be the only reason you break Plan B. Not his words, but by his actions.

If you decide to ever break Plan B, please put it across the board first.

Do you have an IM? Is there any contact between you and him during Plan B?

Brainhurts, that was my mistake, he said he was going to write the NC letter, so I met with him to get it to mail (it essentially was a love letter to her saying goodbye), I posted it on here in September. So I rejected it, then we kind of went round and round with things, he said he wanted to do it as a phone call, then when I met him to do it she (surprise) didn't answer the phone, etc. etc. I actually met with WH, OW, OW's bishop so he could break it off in front of her bishop, which he did say in front of everyone that he was not going to see her anymore, and come home to his family. That lasted exactly 20 minutes after we left the church (which I didn't know at the time, he came to the house every day after work until I found out a week later they were still seeing each other). Then I Plan B'd AGAIN. It's been a revolving door.
So despite my snooping, I have been too trusting and that is the reason for all the contact. Honestly I did believe him every time he said he was breaking it off.
He would express that he was ready to break it off through the IM, then I would talk to him until he didn't do it.

I'm wondering if he will ever be an honest person again?????!!

That isn't Plan B and doesn't sound like there was an intermediary.

You've been in Plan C.

Its nice that he shoveled the driveway, but he needs to end the affair and have no contact with her for the rest of his life for you to consider staying married.

I would let the Bishop know that they lied and are still committing adultery.

indie, there was an IM, WH would indicate to IM that he was ready to NC, but then once we had re-established contact, WH wouldn't follow through. It went back and forth for quite a while. You're right, not a true Plan B.

That's why a while ago I asked on this board at what point I SHOULD re-establish contact. I thought WH and I were suppoed to do NC letter together. Would it be after the NC letter was sent to me, I approved it and sent it to OW (without actual contact between WH and I)?

Jedi, I agree. My 10 DD was so excited he did that, and thought that was good enough to invite him over to the super bowl. I had to tell her it would take a lot more effort from WH than just shoveling the driveway, she was quite disappointed.
Yes, OW's bishop knows they are ongoing, but OW doesn't listen to him so he doesn't have much influence.
I think WH's dad is going to call OW and her mother, even though several family members have talked to OW before.
OW isn't too smart, she comes from a divorced family, divorced herself, it just seems like she thinks this is normal and perfectly ok!

X2

Shoveling the driveway and cooking himself food in your house does not make up for his affair. You are letting him cake-eat by coming and going between your house and the OW. How soon can you get back to a solid Plan B?

Megz, the longer this goes on, the more entrenched the affair becomes. You need to use every avenue to disrupt their affair. Please talk to your Bishop, your H's bishop, the OW's Bishop, and the Stake President if you have to. Talk to all of them if it helps to end the affair. Gather up your courage and make the appointments and get it all done ASAP. Will your parents go with you for moral support?

Oh my goodness Bluefin, I'm so sorry I haven't been on here for a few days and I just saw this! Thank you for posting!

WH did NOT come in my house. He left a bake-at-home pizza in the garage because my house was locked thank goodness while I was at school.

All of those church leaders have talked to her, with no effect. Interestingly just yesterday I learned of a good friend of OW who is very religious who would help me. My sister has already talked to this friend and now her and I are playing phone tag. She works with addiction recovery and is very interested in helping with my situation. She has already warned OW that she shouldn't be in this relationship, but was also under the impression of all the lies WH has told.

I am very frustrated right now. My attorney wants to send him a divorce proposal to see if he will sign it. Attorney says he is so unstable that it would be better if we got divorced to protect the kids and I, then later if he smartens up we can get back together. WH's dad is so furious with WH that he agrees with my attorney. I'm not sure what to do, if I really want to stay married that seems like the wrong signal to send????

WH lost his business (his partner forced him to sell out) in December. Despite the 20K monetary payout WH got, he doesn't seem to have any money, the check he sent for household support bounced.

He is acting so two-faced that I'm not sure he will ever be a good person again, it seems like he would always struggle with being so selfish! And yet I've seen on this board so many miraculous stories! Looking back over the past, I've seen some warning signs of selfishness that seemed innocuous at the time. Does anyone have some links of recovery stories by the WS that might help?

I so appreciate everyone's help!!!

This is a very good idea Megz. You need to protect yourself and your children. If he ever pulls his head out and wants to work on recovery then you can make sure he's serious.

Also work on tightening up your Plan B cracks.

How is your self-care coming along?

I would file for divorce like your attorney says. Just because you filed doesn't mean your divorced. You need to protect your children and if he is supporting the household with bounced checks you need this in order to secure a financially stable environment for your children. I would be kind of creeped out if my WW showed up at my house cooking and doing chores without my knowledge.

It is a ploy to get back into your life and have OW as well. Cake eating 101 because he sees your stance has soften since he agreed to NC but hasn't done any actions to NC or recover your marriage. I think you were advised to go back into Plan B and I agree.

Megz,

If you have already contacted your religious leaders, then you have done what you could on that front.

Your H is testing you about your strength and your boundaries. Right now, he is feeding you a bunch of �hot air� and he is not following through with his empty promises. Your H wants to cake-eat. Don�t let him. As other posters have suggested, go back into a solid Plan B. If he wants to change, he will demonstrate those changes by doing things. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Also, please change the garage codes so that he cannot get into the garage any more. (You can watch a YouTube video to help you understand how to change the codes on your opener and/or keypad.) You don�t need to be wondering if/when he will show up and what will happen. You need a solid Plan B for your health.

Take care of yourself and your kiddos.