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This is a very compelling quote from Dr Harley about the value of exposure.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You may as well follow the advice and give it a shot, because the other option is to be miserable for the rest of your life..
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CobaltBlue,
One of the major issues you may be struggling with is how to get just compensation for your lost years and decades. I would think that honesty is the best form of compensation perhaps the only form, short of beating OM down.
In the absence of your your WWs willingness to be honest, taking with the OMxW and even the OM or other co-workers may be the cheapest route to the truth. And schedule a polygraph!
I agree with Melody OM likely kept your WW on call for years it's just the way so many OM are, they seem to be driven more by a hatred of women than love.
Have you searched for hidden keepsakes or letters?
God Bless
Gamma
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I have never found any hidden keepsakes or letters. I feel that they probably continued the affair after discovering for some time but she denies it. I had went to the therapist by myself last night. She did grow up in an abusive alcoholic home. He stated that all of her behaviors and characteristics are the same of someone who was a victim of sexual abuse and growing up in a alcoholic home. I can certainly see it from having read online and read books about adult children of alcoholics. As in my original post I think all of the conditions that led her to have an affair are probably still there if not more so. The very first therapist that we had seen years and years ago felt that I should move on meaning get divorced because she can see that I was dependent upon knowing what the problems were to correct them and she felt that her disassociative behavior due to her childhood and other sexual addictions would make it to where I would never really know enough to move on. It has come full circle in that that's what the therapist told me last night. She possesses the information but she's unwilling to share it for what ever psychological reasons that one could guess. As far as my daughters concerned at this moment she is pregnant with and at risk pregnancy. The blanket advice that I have to expose her to this especially at this time is very difficult. I know her very well better than anyone and I know she will be an extremely upset about this I fear causing her complications in her pregnancy. I know there are those on this website that will think that I'm simply finding another excuse to not expose for perhaps some of my own selfish reasons. There is a certain amount of truth in that but not just to protect my ego or to my wife's self-esteem. I have most of the information about the other man in the ex-wife and the children of that man to contact them in some form as to whether they are to be responsive it's hard to say. They enter could contact myself my wife my child in the same way I could contact them things of changed over the years the assessability to Public information with websites Facebook cell phones makes also easy we are all so vulnerable. As I've mentioned before I truly appreciate all the advice and the time taken by the people who post on this website. One simply cannot argue with the success of Dr. Harley's methods. One of the reasons that I originally posted here was to try to gain some understanding on how I might be able to let this go how I could get the reason for my heart that resentment still runs deep because infidelity is such an emotional issue and it's so primal and it's very thought. I would just simply caution myself, anyone who post here, anyone who reads the advice given, that you simply must consider the consequences of advice taken or things done. To set things in motion without consideration of the consequences of your actions to possibly cause the loss of a child of unborn pregnancy, the "beat down" as some would say of the other Man, the destruction of the relationships between the parents and the children of the other family, the destruction of the relationship between the parents of my family, the possible injury or death of someone caught up in the emotion of the moment is very risky business . That being said I suppose I need to look and understand what experience and credentials the people that post on here actually have other than just they were victims themselves. I assume posts are look at my moderators of the blog but I'm not sure. I see some postings that indicate that the actual poster must be doing this full time they simply would not have enough time to make random comments. I do not mention this inquiry as a criticism I would just like to better understand the information and the people that interpret Dr. Harley's concepts
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CB, can you please do us all a favor and break your post up into paragraphs? That is almost impossible to read. Thanks much.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I suppose I need to look and understand what experience and credentials the people that post on here actually have other than just they were victims themselves.
I assume posts are look at my moderators of the blog but I'm not sure. I see some postings that indicate that the actual poster must be doing this full time they simply would not have enough time to make random comments.
I do not mention this inquiry as a criticism I would just like to better understand the information and the people that interpret Dr. Harley's concepts
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I have never found any hidden keepsakes or letters.
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As far as exposure to my daughter concerned at this moment she is pregnant with and at risk pregnancy. The advice that I have to expose her to this especially at this time is very difficult. I know her very well better than anyone and I know she will be an extremely upset about this I fear causing her complications in her pregnancy. I know there are those on this website that will think that I'm simply finding another excuse to not expose for perhaps some of my own selfish reasons. There is a certain amount of truth in that but not just to protect my ego or to my wife's self-esteem.
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My therapist is in agreement with you almost 100%. His advice is actually divorce. He knows much more obviously about all of this than can be expressed online.
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I suppose I need to look and understand what experience and credentials the people that post on here actually have other than just they were victims themselves.
I assume posts are look at my moderators of the blog but I'm not sure. I see some postings that indicate that the actual poster must be doing this full time they simply would not have enough time to make random comments.
I do not mention this inquiry as a criticism I would just like to better understand the information and the people that interpret Dr. Harley's concepts The posters on this website have agreed to abide by the terms of service of this forum. In other words, posters agree to post Dr. Harley's advice. If non-MB advice is posted, then someone will nearly always call it out. There are no full-time posters here; all are volunteers and do it because they were helped by MB and want to help others save their marriage using MB concepts.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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CobaltBlue,
I agree you should wait until your daughter delivers her child, you waited this long you can wait a while longer.
However getting a polygraph is something you can do right now. Meeting with OM is something you can do right now and should be done now before he gets in a car accident or something.
I would also advise you to read some of the complete threads here on MB, the BH threads will help you sort out your feelings, and the WW threads may help you understand your WW better. At least one of them will really click.
Funny I just found photos of OM2 and his kids online today action brings results.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 03/11/14 03:55 PM.
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Thank you very much for the response, I had read the information at the top of the Forum but was unsure as when I clicked on some of the posters to see all their posts in seems they post full time. Very dedicated people I assume.
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I suppose I need to look and understand what experience and credentials the people that post on here actually have other than just they were victims themselves.
I assume posts are look at my moderators of the blog but I'm not sure. I see some postings that indicate that the actual poster must be doing this full time they simply would not have enough time to make random comments.
I do not mention this inquiry as a criticism I would just like to better understand the information and the people that interpret Dr. Harley's concepts The people here, including myself, have NO credentials whatsoever. For example, I sell soft drinks for a living and only know how to screw up a marriage. That is why it is a board rule that we only give MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE to posters and avoid imparting personal philosophies. If you find that I, or any other poster, gives any advice contradictory to Dr Harley's, I would encourage you to click on the "notify" button and inform the moderators so they can remove the post and perhaps ban the poster.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The board rules:
"10. If you are offering advice to person asking a question, you agree to refrain from posting material that is counter to the Marriage Builders program, whether that be in the form of a book reference or a personal philosophy
The purpose of this forum is to help others find solutions using Marriage Builders concepts. We ask that you keep this in mind when posting to others."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It has been a week since I last posted. Last Monday I went to the MC by myself. I feel at times a co-therapist talking to him about a patient. I find it difficult to do the Program as outlined without a commitment from my wife to do it also. I pulled out all the books and tape I had purchased over the years that she would never look at and she seemed shocked like she had never seen them. Tonight is another meeting with MC. I do not know if I will be able to go as I am taking care of my granddaughter. My wife has claimed to start reading the book only when I am not here and she cannot speak of what she has read very well.
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I find it difficult to do the Program as outlined without a commitment from my wife to do it also. "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." And while this quote addresses ending the affair [which is already ended in your case] it does address the effect of exposure on the wayward spouse]: "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery." Here are Dr. Bill Harley's credentials: Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 18 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders� Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley also host a daily one-hour call-in show, Marriage Builders Radio. It can be heard on radio stations and on the Internet. They have been married for 50 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover's spouse should be informed. Granted, it's embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.
As you probably already know, I'm a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency -- letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you -- holding you accountable."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have also read Dr. Hartley's comments about long held resentment. I do not think most times I bring up the affair as a controlling issue but I see at times where it has been. I think it was most times an effort to wrongly remove the fog. Divorce will bring exposure any way so it is maybe the only way to bring her onboard the program. I guess I really feel she would have been on board long ago if she really wanted to be though so perhaps divorce is looking more like the best option.
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You have SO MANY options before you even consider divorce. Perhaps your marriage won't make it, but you have not even begun to work on it. Exposure could make all the difference in her motivation to work on your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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