|
|
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7 |
Hi All,
I found out recently that my wife of 14 years had been having an affair for 2 years with her HS boyfriend and first love. This has devastated me; however, I want to keep the marriage. She has been exposed and has made the decision to choose working on the marriage over her former lover. This decision was not easy for her and she is struggling with getting over him. I need help with knowing how to support her in this process, while insuring first and foremost that it doesn't happen again and also that I take care of my own devastation. We have 4 kids 10 - 19. Advice would be appreciated.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Hi All,
I found out recently that my wife of 14 years had been having an affair for 2 years with her HS boyfriend and first love. This has devastated me; however, I want to keep the marriage. She has been exposed and has made the decision to choose working on the marriage over her former lover. This decision was not easy for her and she is struggling with getting over him. I need help with knowing how to support her in this process, while insuring first and foremost that it doesn't happen again and also that I take care of my own devastation. We have 4 kids 10 - 19. Advice would be appreciated. Welcome to MB and sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Have you read these? SAA Start Here First-Welcome
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Also, who all was the affair exposed to?
Is the OM married?
Have you been tested for STD/I?
Has she gone no contact with the OM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7 |
Just to close family. Not to the kids yet. The OM is in a legal separation and has been for a few years. Stupidly, I reached out to him wanting to meet. He replied and sincerely apologized, saying that he had become a man that he hates and wants us to work on our marriage because he knows the pain he felt from his marriage ending. He promised no contact and she did also. So far so good on that one from what I can tell. I've been tested and am fine. I just want to know how to help get her through the grieving phase so that we can get to the rebuilding.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Just to close family. Not to the kids yet. The OM is in a legal separation and has been for a few years. Stupidly, I reached out to him wanting to meet. He replied and sincerely apologized, saying that he had become a man that he hates and wants us to work on our marriage because he knows the pain he felt from his marriage ending. He promised no contact and she did also. So far so good on that one from what I can tell. I've been tested and am fine. I just want to know how to help get her through the grieving phase so that we can get to the rebuilding. Affairs are like addictions. When she goes completely NC with OM and you start to rebuild a Marriage together she will get through it. You need to expose to your children and the OM's BW and OM's family. When is the last time she had contact with OM? How does she know OM? Did she change all her contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
How close does WW live to the OM?
You need to do a full exposure ASAP.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7 |
I understand the purpose of the full exposure, but that's something that I struggle with. I'm not ready to go nuclear at this time. If I see one contact being made then I'll bomb the heck out of it.
We live in the same large metro area but not really close. They haven't been able to actually meet up very much at all. I'm thinking about buying mSpy so that I can track everything. Has anyone had an experience with it? I truly feel that she will fight the temptation to reach out to him and I don't think he will reach out to her first. But, I also have zero trust right now.
My biggest struggle is how am I supposed to act with her? I want to be strong for her while she grieves but I'm hurting a ton.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
hi TXHusband, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It would be a good idea to put spyware on her phone. Hopefully it has a built in GPS.
But more importantly, has she changed her contact information so he CAN'T reach her? It is very important that extraordinary precautions are taken to prevent a resumption of the affair. I will post that list next, but I would strongly encourage you to get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in it.
Most marriages do not recover from infidelity because they don't follow the steps given in SAA. Instead they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair than before. You don't have to be like that if you follow these steps. You can download the book on kindle for PCs from amazon and read it on your computer, ipad or kindle. You can even read it on an iphone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My biggest struggle is how am I supposed to act with her? I want to be strong for her while she grieves but I'm hurting a ton. Be warm and inviting. As long as she has told you the full truth about the affair, it should never be brought up again. This is for your sake because bringing it up continually will keep you severely depressed. I don't think you need to do a "nuclear exposure" but you do need to expose the affair to the OM's wife and to your children. This will help your recovery in a huge way because your wife will be more motivated to recover this marriage if your children know she has put their family at great risk. They will HELP hold her accountable. I would tell them by yourself without warning your wife. Be very precise with the facts and tell them the name of the OM. The OM's wife should absolutely know about the affair because she is married to this man. Again, no warning, just call her up or email her and tell her what has happened. Please read this carefully, because it is your road map to a great, affair proof marriage. Specific plan to be found in the book SAA: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
Just to close family. Not to the kids yet. The OM is in a legal separation and has been for a few years. Stupidly, I reached out to him wanting to meet. He replied and sincerely apologized, saying that he had become a man that he hates and wants us to work on our marriage because he knows the pain he felt from his marriage ending. He promised no contact and she did also. So far so good on that one from what I can tell. I've been tested and am fine. I just want to know how to help get her through the grieving phase so that we can get to the rebuilding. This has all the attributes of a setup for a false recovery. You are being told what they think you want to hear. Don't take this at face value. Put EPs into place that make continued contact impossible, and expose this to everyone who has any influence.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
How did you find out about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
Follow MelodyLane's suggestion.
The concern here is that affairs are addictive. They were together for 2 years, and even though they have decided to call it quits, all it takes is one moment of weakness for the affair to start up again. Both will miss the drug and will find excuses to take just one more hit. But when that happens, the low burning ember will become a fireball of passion after just one contact. This is one of the reasons false recoveries happen.
You also need to take the steps to make your marriage one of happiness and romantic love. It can happen again. Follow Dr. Harley's plan. Read Surviving an Affair. Then read his other books. They are all recipes for a blissful marriage. You and your wife can have that if you follow the plan.
Spend a lot of time with your wife as she works through withdrawal. Be loving and kind to her, and avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. That will be hard since you are the one who has been wronged. But that is just the way it has to be until she is out of withdrawal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 7 |
Thanks for the responses. I have the same fear of false recovery, that's why I want to get some spyware going on her phone.
I found out about the affair by reading their text messages after she had fallen asleep. If she would have just deleted them, I'd have no idea. I can account for where she is 99% of the time, so it was really hard to suspect anything. However, she had gotten even more protective of her phone and I had noticed she had changed her passcode which she would've had no reason to do.
I am going to take it more easy on my second job that I have so that I can make sure I'm around more. She's even mentioned that it's easier for her if she's not alone. I'm trying to show her as much love and support as I can right now. It's good that I'm not really wired as a hot head, so I can control the anger I feel.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
When was the last time she communicated with him?
Has she changed all contact information?
Have you exposed to the OM's BW yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
Do you want to recover your marriage?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
The OM is in a legal separation and has been for a few years. Have you confirmed that divorce has been filed? Who told you this info? FYI there is no such thing as legal separation in TX. You should really contact the BW. It was not stupid to confront the OM but it would be foolish to believe his lame apology/story and not contact his BW.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
502
guests, and
108
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,037
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
