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Originally Posted By: SP12
The hardest part about this whole thing is fully expecting WH to beg forgiveness (which he has) and calling OW immediately to end everything. I just sense he feels really bad, he wants to let her down gently but it enrages me. I have made what is a reasonable demand but I probably did cross over into badgering as I told him to call her NOW. I have made it clear it needs to be done without offering her any glimmer of hope. He is struggling with shame, letting everybody down, being a liar etc and I guess the idea of having to go through what he has gone through with me again with her is overwhelming him but hey, that's the price you pay for making bad choices.



SP,

We are really trying to help you here but you need to listen to us.

The worst thing you can do is badger a wayward about ending the affair without exposure. It just doesn't work. In fact, in most cases it just backfires on you because the wayward then takes the affair further underground and just gaslights you.

If you are unwilling to google this OW or do a reverse search on her phone number (I am shocked to hear this is illegal. I have seen many UK posters here and NEVER EVER heard anyone bring this issue up before), then it is imperative that you shell out the bucks to the PI to get the information for you.

Like many others have posted to you, it is really really BAD that this is being unnecessarily dragged out as you are pregnant and dealing with an active wayward is very dangerous for you and the baby.

Recap:
Focus on EXPOSURE. Which you need to know OW's identity for and forget about trying to "talk" your WH out of his affair without it.


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What is the deal with spyware on the home computer and phone? BH can you get me up to speed with that?


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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
What is the deal with spyware on the home computer and phone? BH can you get me up to speed with that?

She said she can't figure out how to get the keylogger on without admin rights. But she was posted by highroad with some excellent information.

She says he has his phone password locked and can't figure it out.

I have asked about a PI, but she says she can't afford it.


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi everyone,
This will be a bit rushed - have been admitted to hospital as began to feel unwell, not sure yet how long will be in for.
Will try to address your points - sorry if I miss anything

He has broken off things with OW, took persuading as wanted to do face to face I said hell no, he refused to do letter. Did by phone in the end.

Have googled her number etc found nothing, can't do reverse look up here I have looked into it, PI said can get info for me for 150 which is about $250. He has told me her name now anyway but this has all taken its toll and am in hospital not sure for how long they want to monitor me.
Once I am out will update you all more

Thanks you for the help and advice


Me & WH both 33 years old
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2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
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SP12,

I'm so sorry for your health. Do you think you can send off that email to Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Dr. Harley states that a truly repentant man who wants to reconcile his marriage should basically be begging on,both knees, willing to do whatever it takes.

Your husband wasn't even willing to write a simple letter!!!

I imagine the stress of the discussion, along with your pregnancy put you in the condition to be hospitalized.

Ask the Vets if you should switch to Plan B now, since the situation has had such a harmful effect on you.

I hope and Pray you have a speedy and full recovery and that your baby is healthy.

I hope you remove the causes of this stress out of your life.

LTL

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[quote=BrainHurts]SP12,

I'm so sorry for your health. Do you think you can send off that email to Dr. Harley?[/quote


Thank you - yes have sent the email.


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
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Originally Posted By: SP12
[quote=BrainHurts]SP12,

I'm so sorry for your health. Do you think you can send off that email to Dr. Harley?[/quote


Thank you - yes have sent the email.

Did you ask Dr. Harley about Plan B?

I would start to prepare for Plan B. Your WH isn't serious about your health and recovery.

A huge red flag is when a Wayward will not even write a NC Letter.

When can you get into Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: LearnedTooLate
Dr. Harley states that a truly repentant man who wants to reconcile his marriage should basically be begging on,both knees, willing to do whatever it takes.

Your husband wasn't even willing to write a simple letter!!!

I imagine the stress of the discussion, along with your pregnancy put you in the condition to be hospitalized.

Ask the Vets if you should switch to Plan B now, since the situation has had such a harmful effect on you.

I hope and Pray you have a speedy and full recovery and that your baby is healthy.

I hope you remove the causes of this stress out of your life.

LTL


Thank you learnedtolate - this is how I feel. I just don't understand it at all, it's made me so ill. Being in hospital feels like a relief if only could have my kids with me


Me & WH both 33 years old
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SP12, take care of yourself and your baby! Be strong! My WH cheated on me while i was pregnant too and was very cold, distant and fighting with me through out the pregnancy. But i was only suspicious about the A, discover-day was a month after the delivery. Listen to the Vets here.

Can you find some relatives or friends to help you?

Bless!


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
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I'm so sorry for your pain SP12. It's obvious from your writing that you are a kind and patient person, so now it is time to be kind and patient with yourself. The most important thing right now is the health of you and your baby.

Good job on emailing Dr. Harley.

Lots of Hugs! hug


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Originally Posted By: SP12
He has broken off things with OW, took persuading as wanted to do face to face I said hell no, he refused to do letter. Did by phone in the end.


Your WH is very very dangerous to not only your health but to your baby's. He does not have yours and your children's best interest in mind, which is very typical for a wayward.

This is very serious. Women have suffered nervous breakdowns and other long term consequences to their health in Plan A. That's why it is only recommend for a very BRIEF period of time, no longer than a couple of weeks. You need to focus on getting better for your children and you won't be able to do that dealing with this kind of stress.

I would recommend exposing his affair to close family and friends so that you can get the support and help that you desperately need and move into Plan B.

Hugs.


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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
[

I would recommend exposing his affair to close family and friends so that you can get the support and help that you desperately need and move into Plan B.

Hugs.


SP12, I am so very sorry for your pain. Please, please follow Susie's advice. Your husband is endangering your health with his affair<s>. Expose his affair today to your family and friends.

Go to him TODAY and give him one last opportunity to make this right. If he won't make it right, you must separate from him immediately. You cannot afford to be around such a dangerous, reckless person in your state. He will cause you to have a nervous breakdown.

Here is what he must do immediately:

1. come completely clean, giving you all the names, contact information, everything about his OW

2. exchange phones with you and cancel his email account, facebook account and any other venue that was used to facilitate his affair

3. agree to never spend the night apart from you again. If he has a traveling job, then he has to find a way to be with you every night until he finds a new job

4. send his OW a no contact letter that can be hand delivered to the mailbox by you

5. Allow you to look at everything on his phone immediately [give him no opportunity to erase and hide things]

If he won't agree to those things, you should ask him to leave immediately and then we will help you go into Plan B. This is what Dr Harley would tell you to do.

Here is the list of EPs from his book Surviving an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How are you doing SP12?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
How are you doing SP12?



Hi, thanks for thinking of me. Was in hospital a few days but home now, me and baby are doing fine.

I am moving onto plan b, reason being that I felt like WH does not appreciate that I didn't kick him out and was willing to work on relationship.he showed reluctance to break off affair, when we discuss our relationship he seems more concerned on dwelling on what wasn't working instead of trying to move forward. Also he says that due to nature of his job it is inevitable he will need to sleep away from home - an idea which I don't think should even be entertained right now. A few nights ago, he worked away and came home same night and was very moody and hardly spoke to me just to prove how tiring the drive was and that I was being unreasonable asking him to come home!!???

So plan b it is, will ask My friend will help mediate contact between us.

I also emailed Dr Joyce for advice, she asked if I wanted to be a caller but not sure of feasibility of it as I think we are 6 hours ahead and think the timing would be off


Me & WH both 33 years old
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Originally Posted By: SP12
... reason being that I felt like WH does not appreciate that I didn't kick him out and was willing to work on relationship....


Yep, that was my WH.

Originally Posted By: SP12
...when we discuss our relationship he seems more concerned on dwelling on what wasn't working instead of trying to move forward.


Yep, that is exactly what my WH wanted to dwell upon too.

My WH's affair was still secretly active.


Good decision for you to go into Plan B and I hope that you have a good support system in place. Please let the vets here guide you through the procedure and let the rest of us support you through it as well. The first couple of weeks are not very easy, but life becomes sooooo much easier and calmer once you adjust to life in Plan B.


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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SP12, it was soooo good to read that you and baby are home from hospital and doing fine.

I'm glad that you have written to Dr. Harley and that Joyce has already been in contact with you. You are in the best hands now! smile

I think that even while you are going to Plan B, that you still need to do an exposure. Exposure is our biggest tool for busting up the affair. I do realize that you would need to pay to hire a PI, so maybe you can ask for Dr. Harley's opinion regarding this?


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Originally Posted By: SP12
I am moving onto plan b,


Good. You need Plan B, unless he is willing to do all of the things that MelodyLane posted to you above. Anything less and you are setting yourself up for a false recovery.

Quote:
reason being that I felt like WH does not appreciate that I didn't kick him out and was willing to work on relationship.he showed reluctance to break off affair, when we discuss our relationship he seems more concerned on dwelling on what wasn't working instead of trying to move forward. Also he says that due to nature of his job it is inevitable he will need to sleep away from home - an idea which I don't think should even be entertained right now. A few nights ago, he worked away and came home same night and was very moody and hardly spoke to me just to prove how tiring the drive was and that I was being unreasonable asking him to come home!!???


Your WH's attitude is COMPLETELY NORMAL for a wayward who has not been exposed and hasn't ended the affair. Which I am sorry to tell you, he hasn't. frown


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Originally Posted By: SP12

So plan b it is, will ask My friend will help mediate contact between us.


Please give your friend a copy of the IM Training Guide

and also please read the Plan B links in my signature line.

Folks sometimes think they can do a "semi" dark Plan B. But that will actually mean that you are in Plan C, which is most likely to lead to divorce and have consequences for your health and well-being. Please don't do this.


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Hello to anyone still following this thread. A lot has happened.
I believed him when he said he ended things but his behaviour quickly reverted back to old ways and staying out of town again. Then something told me to set up voice recorder (hadnt used it since confession) before leaving to go and see a friend and when i got back i listened to it and found the affair had not ended. I was very upset and shaking and So I wrote him a plan b letter immediately - he called and text which I ignored but he didnt come back to the house.
I think this surprised him as realised I was very serious.

I was very reluctant to expose as I was certain this would ruin any chance of a reconciliation as I know his character but it was the telling to his mum that did
the trick. (even though she said a few things to me that angered me like I must be the problem, I must have done something! Anyway........ )

Long story short, he asked to come home to talk and we are making a start to reconcile. He admitted he was reluctant to try again as had a lot of unforgiveness and bitterness but after talking to his mum and a couple of friends that know he realised he wants to try. He has agreed to end affair, the right way this time with me witnessing, agreed to be more transparent etc.

It's very late here now but we are going to sit down and draw up a plan to rebuild our marriage.

It is ironic that tomorrow will also be our wedding anniversary.

We know it will be a long journey but hoping we make it. Yesterday I had no hope at all!

Thank you to all who cared enough to comment and give advice, I know I did not stumble across this site by accident, it has helped immensely.

I will be honest, getting over the deceit and knowing he was sexually involved with someone else will be hard for me to get over. If anyone could speak from experience or post any links that may help me I would be grateful. The book SAA probably has tips will have to look through it again. I am also getting individual counselling as my self esteem and self worth have taken a tumble and need to build these back up as it will help our recovery I think.

Thanks again all


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
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