You really should do this regardless. Obtaining legal advice just provides you with information about what is possible. Generally speaking your husband will be legally liable for continuing to support you, at least for awhile. You want to find out what the law will actually give you.

Tama it's so good to see you girl! I so wish it was under different circumstances. Do you still go to visit him when he's gone? How many years does he have until he's retired? How old are your girls now?

Does he still do that confusing talking in circles stuff? I don't even know how to explain that to the folks here on the thread now. If you two have conquered that together, wow, it would be a huge accomplishment, and would give me a really good hope that you can turn this around now.

Thank you for the tip LongWayFromHome. Probably unrealistic but I hope I hear from them before my husband comes home Thursday. I've told him everything I've posted here, except about Plan A and B. It didn't have an impact until last night. He's been gone nearly 3 weeks, I was missing him and feeling terribly lonely. I wanted to connect with him so I called. I regretted it almost immediately. He disagreed with me and talked to me like a simpleton right out of the gate. It was about a minor thing, but my love bank is so empty it irritated me immediately. I told him I shouldn't have called. I was missing him and wanted to connect with him but now I was irritated and thought it best if I let him go. He apologized so I stayed on the phone. But then all he wanted to talk about was work. It hit another nerve. His job takes up 80-90% of his time, thoughts, our conversations and our lives. I told him I was unhappy being last in his life. He said I wasn't last, I was first. I said if I'm first then why does his facebook page look like that of a single, workaholic man with a dog and kids? There is only one photo of me in one of his FB albums and its a family photo of us and our 3 girls from 5 years ago. The rest of his photos are of him alone or with his dog and a couple of cars and motorcycles he likes. Its the same with his phone, he has 2 pictures of me and I asked him to take them for me, because I was holding our 3 month old grandson. I told him people that take pictures with their phones, take them of people and things that mean the most to them. I found it very telling. So he said we would talk about these things when he comes home Thursday. In the past, these conversations have been nonstarters, pointless acts of futility or frustrating round robins that end in an argument. I'm at my wits end with them, which is why I hope I can get some help before he comes home.

Markos

I agree it makes complete sense for me to find out my legal rights. Its just such a huge, scary step. Makes me feel like I'm planning to divorce him. I'm not on the downhill side of that slope...yet. I still have a little hope that if I implement plan A and B, he will miss me enough to want to make some changes in his schedule and meet my ENs. Especially if he has to start doing everything for himself that I do for him. He might stop taking me for granted. He might start noticing me again.

Hey NewEveryDay!! I didn't know if anyone I used to know from MB was still here. Good to see you too . Though I would also prefer under different circumstances.

Due to another consultant who had his wife and 4 screaming, uncontrolled kids stay at the rig for nearly a week, not even wives are allowed to visit much less stay the night anymore. This turn of events made a difficult situation much worse. We were able to meet for dinner one night last week. He said it was a date, but invited our oldest daughter with her husband and son. It was an enjoyable evening but I was very disappointed. I told him I was dressing up for him, fixed my hair and makeup and wore nice clothes, because I was excited to be going on a date with him after not seeing him for 2 weeks. He wore a work t-shirt and didn't even comb his hair, just wore his work cap. I felt over dressed and awkward and like I went to allot of trouble for nothing. I wear caps most of the time, too and no makeup. I would have gone that way if he'd said he didn't want to dress up and been allot happier.

Our girls are 21, about to be 20 and 18. The oldest is married with a 3 month old baby boy, the middle getting married in August and the youngest graduating from HS the end of this month.

He doesn't really do the talking in circles any more, now he disagrees with everything I say and talks to me like I'm a simpleton he has to explain everything to. I prefer it to the circling which was crazy making and gave me an insight to why people go postal. But it is still very irritating. Sometimes I think he's in "boss" mode when he's talking to me because he works so much and he doesn't know how to just talk to me anymore.

Oh man Tama, not even allowed to visit for 3 weeks at a time, no wonder you are so sick of all this! He has a real gem that you've hung in there this long.

I encourage you to visit an attorney too, and not to tell him just now. It will be a shock to you, the whole thing. It made me nauseous. But Plan A is the reality bringer, and this is part of the reality to come if this doesn't work out. Better now while you can still stand to look at your DH than later, kwim?

What do you think the issue is why he's been unwilling to change jobs? Is he afraid? It's sad to say but jobs get harder to find past a certain age. Are you two close to retirement yet? Would he be willing to let you search for jobs for him? I think it would be great if you could get him in touch with someone who would really encourage him to find a job that works for your family better. Do you all know anyone who has made the transition and can get him in the door?

I'm so happy he's not talking in circles anymore! But what's up with the disrespect? Do you have a dad or brother who can talk to him about this? About how to talk to his wife?

How about getting into the habit of date nights, where you are both dressed nice, and let your kids know to decline if invited

And congrats for your daughter on the wedding, and the grand baby!

NED

Thank you for the kind words You are as you always were so sweet and uplifting in your posts. I agree with you that I have been a gem Lol ... I have been very patient and supportive of his needs and wants for a long time. Unfortunately, I sacrificed my own to do so. I don't know if you remember how utterly dependent I used to be on him in every way, not just financially. I was insecure and terrified to tell him how much I resented his choice of profession for fear he would get angry and leave me. I'm much stronger and confident now. I love him and want to be with him, but I know I would be ok without him if he chooses not to work with me to save our marriage. Its ironic really...I've gained the strength and confidence because of his job choice. I had to learn to be self sufficient and find a life for myself while he's gone or be depressed. I was tired of being depressed.

I am waiting on a call back for a counseling session. My husband and I are supposed to have a discussion about the state of our marriage and negotiate a plan to save it when he comes home this Thursday. I want to see how those 2 things go first before I consider talking to an attorney. I am going to request that he and I have at least one phone counseling session together and see how that goes if he agrees.

In a nutshell, my husband's first love is earning the most money possible. He wants things, expensive things. His second is working. I think he likes, maybe needs, the admiration, respect and appreciation he gets because he is so good at his job, he is in high demand right now. If we had the money to pay for the insurance, he could go independent very easily and pick and choose the jobs -and schedule- he wants. He makes great money. When it first started coming in, I wanted us to start a business. One related to his chosen profession because its what he is most comfortable with and there is good money to be made. There are many business opportunities available and he knows all the ins and outs of how to make it successful. He loved the idea when we were discussing it. He came up with 3-4 options that would have a low startup and overhead and he could be home every day. We even talked to someone who wanted to work for us, who could work when my husband was consulting until we got the business established and he could quit consulting. He estimated he would be able to quit consulting in 5 years.

The plan never got past the discussions. In fact, every time I mentioned getting the ball rolling, he talked me into an expensive purchase that forced us to put the plan on hold. My husband is extremely intelligent and knows how to make these purchases sound very logical. I am a logical thinker. When he appealed to my sense of logic, it made perfect sense so I agreed. Sometimes I'm a slow learner, but I finally caught on to what he was doing. Now when he tries to talk me into an expensive purchase, I only agree if we save the money to pay cash. I want to pay everything off so all we have is our house and utilities. That way he won't have the reason of needing to work so much to pay all our bills. My thinking is that if I eliminate all the reasons he gives me that he has no choice but to keep his job and resulting schedule, he will eventually have to be honest with himself and me about his true motives.

We both know other consultants that have much better schedules than he does, but he says he wouldn't want to work where they do for one reason or another.

My Dad is in a fragile mental state right now. I can't talk to him about any of this. In fact, I'm really nervous about how it will affect him if I do have to implement plan B. My parents adore my husband. My parents don't live near us, so I'm not going to tell them unless I absolutely have to. It won't be hard to keep it from them because they are used to my husband not being around. I hate the deception, but feel its a necessary one. I am an only child. My MIL and I are very close and have discussed his work schedule many times and how we both hate it. She has tried talking to my husband, but he blew her off and changed the subject. So she doesn't say much to him about it anymore. Truth is I talk to her more than he does. He loves his mother, but he treats her like a child he indulges for short periods of time with "uh huh, I hear you" and then its "I love you Mom, but I gotta go. Talk to you soon."

I don't know what's up with the disrespect. But I'm fed up with it. I refuse to continue in conversations now when he starts it. Lately, that means our conversations are getting shorter and less often. Most of our conversations are by text a couple times a day and they consist of info swapping with a brief line to ask how the other is doing.

I would love date nights. I will make a request if our discussion goes well.

NED

Thanks! He's adorable! Being a Grandma is the best . I think my middle daughter is getting married too soon, but her life and choice, so I support her.

tamak, are you counseling with a MB coach? If not, I am very concerned to read the above because your garden variety "counselor" can be a disaster to a marriage in crisis. What will you do, for example, if the counselor does not understand the ramifications of being apart? Or does not even believe that romantic love can be restored to a marriage? Does this counselor even know how to save marriages? Most do not. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

What often happens is the counselor will VALIDATE marriage wrecking behaviors because they have no understanding of how to save a marriage.

Thank you, ML

I should have specified that I called MB for a phone counseling session. In fact, I just got a call back that I will have an appt with Dr. Harley tomorrow I am VERY relieved. I want to ask his advice on the best way to handle the upcoming discussion with my H. For me, this will be the most important discussion we've ever had because what I decide to do next is based on how it goes.

I agree with you about other counselors. We had 3 sessions with another counselor. She is wonderful and helped me allot personally and we both like her, but she is not familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts. She tended to state her advice in a way that made it seem like she thought my H was doing things right and if I just dealt with my insecurities we wouldn't have any marital issues. My H is very charming and likeable. After 3 sessions, he started procrastinating and truth be told I didn't push the issue because I didn't believe she could help us.

Thank goodness!!! I am so relieved. We have such dreadful advice from counselors over the years.

Lol Thanks I hear you. I'm at a make or break point in our marriage. Its too important to chance it with another counselor!

You are a smart cookie! Steve Harley is sometimes very successful in persuading reluctant spouses to get on board. Most men really like him.

You give me hope...I think the best chance we have is if my H will agree to counsel with Dr. Harley together. I'm relieved, excited and nervous about my appointment tomorrow Lol

I have a confession to make. I haven't told my H about the counseling session with Dr. Harley. I'm feeling guilty because I always check with him before spending a large amount of money. He has never had an issue with anything I've wanted or felt needed to spend money on, but to me its a partnership courtesy. The reason I haven't told him is because when I came to MB before, I was pretty gungho and pushy about him getting on board. My motives were pure, but my methods were demanding. I'm afraid if I tell him I'm not only coming back to the site, but have an appointment with Dr. Harley, he won't hear anything past the words Marriage Builders and immediately refuse to have anything to do with any of it. I believe Dr. Harley is our last hope. Times like this, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and kick myself in the butt.

I'm also really nervous about my appointment...

Make sure you let Steve Harley know about your concerns and let him help guide you.

I will do that, thank you for the suggestion BrainHurts.

You're welcome.

I think you will find Steven very easy to talk to. You'll do fine, friend.