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Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on here. I just can�t stop thinking about my Wife�s EA, and was hoping someone on here could give me some advice. First, I will tell you a condensed version of my story. My wife and I have been married with children for 17 years, and for a good part of that we have had to work opposite shifts. Luckily the last 10 years she has been part time, and only works 3 days a week. last summer she moved areas in her job, and had a new boss. I will call him �Ted�. So she starts talking about �Ted� all the time, Ted this, Ted that. I don�t think much of it, and then I start noticing that she is looking really nice to go to work. I usually see her for about an hour before she goes, and she is looking pretty hot. So I start teasing her, and saying you look a little too hot for work. She says she just dresses up because it makes her feel good about herself. Anyways, all summer long I have to hear stories about �Ted�, and it starts to bother me when she tells me how long she spends talking to him in his office. She say�s �it�s not like I can get in trouble for not working, because he�s my boss, and he�s fun to talk to�.
So last November we plan a little �Vegas� get away together, and get a babysitter for the kids for a few days. On our drive, she keeps bringing him up, so I tell her that I think he has a thing for her. She gets a little defensive, and say�s �He is just a friend�. Then she tells me that she just likes talking to him because he is �Mentally Stimulating�. Needless to say, that was the wrong thing for me to hear, because at that point my radar finally went off. So I started really digging in with more questions, and I find out that �Ted� is single, and in his early 40�s, which is only a few years older than my wife. She then proceeds to tell me that he is pretty good looking, and that she basically has a crush on him. I was devastated, and the whole trip turned out to be a Q and A session where she divulged a bunch of information about things they talk about. I find out that he always makes degrading remarks about me, and that he is always making in appropriate comments to my wife. For example, one day she was in his office, and she was adjusting her shirt, and he said �you better be careful, or people are going to think we are messing around in here�. Another time she was bending over picking something up, and he said � Don�t make me say something dirty�. Anyway there are a ton of other examples that I won�t give here. After the trip I ask her to Please keep their conversations to only �Work related topics�, and she says I am over reacting, and that I just don�t want her to have friends. After some convincing, she agrees to keep the conversation work related.
So a few weeks go by, and it is really hard on me when she is at work, because all I can think about, is what is going on while I am home watching kids. I question her quite often, and she says she hasn't talked to him. Then one day she admits that she has been talking to him, and that she told him that it would probably not be a good idea for me and him to meet, because I don�t like him. He says to her, �Is it wrong that I like knowing that he is mad�? Then she proceeds to tell him that the reason I am mad, is that she told me that she thinks he is attractive. I could not believe that she basically told him to his face that she thinks he is good looking and attractive. So, I blew up, and did all the things that I know now are �Love Busters�. I was just so hurt, I felt so unwanted and so betrayed. We fought pretty good about the situation, and then she agreed to discontinue any friendship with him, and it just so happened that she was going to have a bunch of time off over Christmas where we could work on things.
Over the next month, we were able to work on our relationship, and we both talked about changes that needed to be made on both ends. I tell her that I will put extra effort into making her feel beautiful, and helping out around the house more. When she goes back to work, she promises to tell me if she talks to him at all, and honestly I felt like she was so much more open with me. I told her that I felt really vulnerable, because if she continued the friendship, it would really hurt me. So every week or so, I would ask her if she had talked to him, and whenever I did, she would get defensive and say I just don't want her to have friends. I tell her I don't mind if she has friends, but I view him as a direct threat to our marriage, and I tell her that I am not okay with her being friends with him at all. Over the next few months, I continue to ask her if she has seen or talked to him, and she tells me that I am being paranoid, and that she would never do that to me. Through this time period, I tell her how lonely I feel, and I don't understand why i feel so distant from her, even though I am putting so much extra effort into loving her more.
Over the next few months, I feel so alone, and don't understand why I can't stop thinking about her wanting another man. She assures me that she has not been talking to him at all, and that he doesn't even hang around her area anymore. One day, I start looking at Text messages on our bill, and i notice a particular number over an over. In fact one night there was nearly 100 messages to this number, and it went all the way until 1:30 am. So I think it must be a girl friend of hers from work, so I call the number, and a Man answers. Needless to say, I fell apart inside. I sent a text to my wife, and said are you true and faithful to me in all things?, and she replied by saying "That's a funny question". She then admits that it was Ted's number, and that she didn't tell me because she wanted to protect me, and she knew I would over react. I counted over 1,000 texts between them over the last two months. She still insists that he is just a friend.
After a couple long nights, she opens up to me and tells me the content of some of the texts. She tells me that she was trying to get him to go to lunch with her, but he would say "No, because I don't think I could keep my hands off you" then she would reply "Don't you think you can control yourself"?, to which he would reply "I don't want to control myself". I am sure there are a lot of details that she left out, but the bottom line is, she said she recognized that his true intentions were physical, and she said she started to feel like a piece of meet. She said at that point she decided not to text him anymore, and I could see from the phone bill that there was definitely a date where it seemed to stop.
Sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted to get most of the details out there. Bottom line to all of this mess, is I feel so betrayed,deceived, and lied to. I feel like i can't trust anything she says anymore. I think back to those times where I felt so lonely and distant from her, and it was right in the time she was texting him every night.
It has been just over a month since i found out, and I still think about it everyday. I just want to feel normal again. We had some very good talks over the last month, and she tells me that she loves me, and promises that she is done being friends with him. I want to believe her so bad, but I just can't stop wondering when it will happen again. I don't know if I can handle another round of this. She agreed to go see a marriage counselor, and we have been a couple times, but I feel frustrated because she complains that I keep living in the past, and that she is over it and ready to move on. I say "Well it must be nice to be you". I on the other hand am forced to live with it all day long everyday. Anyway, I have been reading posts on here for a month or so, and I have been really impressed with the knowledge you guys have. Please advise me on what i should do from this point, and how do I heal from the pain I feel. I feel so unwanted as a husband.

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Welcome to MB.

She needs to quit that job.

Have you read the Exposure thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Please read all of theses.
SAA-Start Here


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FACTS-
Your wife is wayward and is in a deep emotional affair at a minimum, and 99.9% chance it went physical.
The affair is still active and is highly entrenched.
She has extremely poor boundaries around men.
Never believe a single thing a wayward says to you, they lie, lie, lie.
This is textbook affair that has been repeated on this forum endlessly.
She is addicted to the high, she will not give up the affair without a fight or a sudden conscience(EXPOSRUE) moment.
You will be on a roller coaster of emotions.

TO DO-
Read up on Snooping and Exposure, and execute same.
Don't be afraid to act.
Listen to the veterans on here.
DO NOT go to a marriage counselor, that WILL kill your marriage(unless it is Dr. Harley based)


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RR18,

The "boss" needs to be exposed at work and fired.

God Bless
Gamma

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I agree she doesn't have the best boundaries around men. She admits she is a flirt, and gets along better with guys than the girls at work.

She refuses to leave her job, because she has been there 15 years, and makes pretty good money now even being part time. We are on a very tight budget, and barely make it month to month. After i found out about the texting, she sent him a text that basically said that she was done, and they could no longer be friends. She still see's him occasionally at work, but says he doesn't say a word to her. I should add, that after I found out, I called him and asked him to not talk to her anymore. I believe that they are not talking anymore, because my wife says she feels bad for how rude she feels by not even saying hi to him anymore. She also says that when he comes and talks to someone in her area, he doesn't even look her way, or say hi.
The one thing we still get hung up on though, is she refuses to admit that he is anything more than a friend. When I tell her that you don't hide conversations from anyone who is just a friend, she says I am over reacting, and that I just don't see it the same way she does. She also swears that there was nothing physical that ever happened whatsoever, and maybe I am stupid, but I believe her.

As far as Exposure, I told a close friend of hers at work, and she was very upset with me. That is the only person i told. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last 6 months.

The only hope i have, that tells me that things will get better, is that she was very remorseful that she hurt me, and she admits that what she did was wrong,(even though he was just a friend)she will always add to that. She has been so much more loving to me, and it really feels like she is making a full effort to get back to where we need to be. Right now it just feels like i am the hang up. It is me that can't stop thinking about all the details. I am probably being naive, but it seems like she is sincere.

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You came here asking for help and advise on what to do.

But you decide to ignore the advise and are choosing to do nothing, and everything will just work out.

Hope is your strategy? Great plan. You sound so much like so many others just like you.

Good luck!!!!

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My wife's affair was very much like your wife's affair. I exposed it in the workplace, and her boss was removed from his job.

There is good reason why you are not finding peace. Nobody in your situation would. The affair needs to be exposed and extraordinary precautions put in place that make affairs impossible. Your wife will have to leave that job if the OM doesn't leave first. Your wife needs to become totally transparent to you, so that you know all there is to know about her and her ability to harbor a secret second life is destroyed.


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DS - 32, still living with us
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RR, the problem is that your wife is having a physical affair with this man. The way to kill the affair is to quietly get the evidence and expose the affair. That will motivate her to leave the job. Sadly, you don't have a marriage otherwise. She can't continue to work there and stay married because recovery will be impossible.

So please go get solid evidence of her physical affair and come back here. We will give you next steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your wife is like an addict. Everyone she sees him, she is getting a high from her favorite drug. As long as she continues to work with him, she will remain addicted, and your marriage has no hope.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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I'm not ignoring advice. It is just hard for me to tell her that she has to leave her job. It just seems like that would be me controlling her. Believe me, I have mentioned that many times, and she says that her situation is different, and she will have No Contact with him whatsoever. I have absolutely no proof that anything more than the texting happened. I also have no proof that she has continued anykind of communication. I have read all of the steps, in SAA, and i am definitely not as versed in it as you guys, but honestly I am still in plan A limbo. I need to just shut up and watch, and make sure nothing starts up again. I don't feel like I have evidence to just go exposing her boss. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to see him lose his job over the deal, but everything i know, is just from stuff she has told me. I am confused on how to execute some of these things. Should I still expose what I have just to get it out there, even if I can't really back it up with hard evidence.

My wife has been very open and transparent with me since "D-day". She honestly doesn't have any free time that I don't know about, and I have access to her phone and Ipad, and I check the history often. Right now I just want her to see me as a loving and understanding husband. I don't want to push her away by being angry and controlling.

Another detail I will bring up, and I know this might not be important, but me and my wife both have never had sex with anyone else. She has very good values, and I was her first. I just don't see anyway that it could have been physical. There is just not any time that is unaccounted for.

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RR18,

I agree with your W that she should not be leaving her job, the OM is in a position of authority over her and should be the one leaving.

Go to personnel and file a complaint, threaten a lawsuit, the OM may have other sexual harassment complaints against him and this one will sink his ship. I would also expose to the OMs family and church etc.

Your WW cannot have continued contact with the OM, you need to get a polygraph for your WW because 95% says it was physical too, kissing at least.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 06/24/14 11:10 AM.
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Melody, Should I continue to ask her if she has talked to him at work, or just shut up? I don't really know what avenue to use to gain evidence. I thought about putting a mic in her purse, because she never goes anywhere without it, and also GPS. I don't have time or money to hire a PI. Any other ideas for gaining evidence. This man is from out of state, and doesn't have any close family. I have been FB stalking him for months. If I was to file a complaint at his work, what would I tell them? What if I did that, and my wife denied the whole thing to protect him?

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RR18,

If I was to file a complaint at his work, what would I tell them? What if I did that, and my wife denied the whole thing to protect him?

I would make that part of the just compensation your WW should give you for having the affair.

The reason OM has to go is that your WW will be triggered everytime she sees him. It�s like how an alcoholic cannot work at a bar.

There is a good chance this OM has done this over and over again, and is keeping your WW in reserve. You need to speak with personnel and send an email to the company president. Just do it.

God Bless
Gamma

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He is her boss, and he now just "ignores" her? Does that make any sense to you?



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Originally Posted by Roughrock18
He says to her, �Is it wrong that I like knowing that he is mad�? Then she proceeds to tell him that the reason I am mad, is that she told me that she thinks he is attractive.
You've read SAA� you obviously can see that they had a long and fun friendship with lots of opportunity to become close, and now they have BOTH professed their attraction for each other. What does Dr. Harley point out about that in SAA?


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Yes, one of them is going to have to leave that job. But give it a couple of days first so that you can see what you can find.

Continue to Plan A her. AND while you are doing a fabulous Plan A, you have to snoop as if your marriage depends on it. Snooping means that you are not going to tell your wife.

Purchase a Voice Activated Recorder and hide it in her car, and hide another one somewhere in your home where you suspect that she speaks with him (you can find normal time patterns by looking at the old phone bills).

She may have an affair phone. Also, there are all sorts of apps out there that allow people to chat over the internet and it won't show up as a text message. Hide a GPS in her car. Purchase an app to track her cell phone so that you can SEE all of the activity that she is having, and what she is saying. There is lots of info here in the Operation Investigate section of this forum.

When you get the goods (and you will within a day or two at most), then come back here and we can help you with full blown exposure.

The great thing in your favor, with as much as a scumbag as this other man sounds like, there is a very good chance that he will dump your wife on the day of exposure.


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Gamma,the thing you just mentioned about him probably doing this before, triggered a memory of something my W told me. She said one day she got to work, and OM came walking up to her and said walk with me. She said they went down to the cafeteria, and wandered around a bit, and then headed back. On the was back she asked what that was all about, and he said "Oh nothing, there are just some girls that are spreading rumors about me, and I wanted them to see me walking with you". My wife told me that like it was no big deal, and I saw red flags popping up all over the place. I think he has had some kind of trouble like this before.

Also, I have sent my wife articles on Emotional Affairs, and it makes her mad, and she says she doesn't think what she did is an affair at all. I don't know how many times I have heard her say He was just a friend. I really believe in her mind she doesn't think what she did was really that bad. She knows that it hurt me, but I just need to get over it.

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Originally Posted by Roughrock18
I have been FB stalking him for months.

Good that you have his FB name. TODAY go to his FB and copy down the names of all of his "friends" there.


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Originally Posted by Roughrock18
Melody, Should I continue to ask her if she has talked to him at work, or just shut up? I don't really know what avenue to use to gain evidence. I thought about putting a mic in her purse, because she never goes anywhere without it, and also GPS. I don't have time or money to hire a PI. Any other ideas for gaining evidence. This man is from out of state, and doesn't have any close family. I have been FB stalking him for months. If I was to file a complaint at his work, what would I tell them? What if I did that, and my wife denied the whole thing to protect him?

Stop asking her and start snooping. Put some spyware on her phone that has a built in gps and a mic. Get the evidence,

And go to the OMs Facebook page today and copy all his Facebook contacts into a text doc. Do not put this off!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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