Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Another thing you can do is go to the website of a major restaurant chain and get coupons. I get coupons for Red Lobster all the time. We even enjoy eating at Five Guys hamburgers sometimes and that is very inexpensive.

I am a coupon fanatic. But just going out to eat is not fun for me. I need something else


Such as?

window shopping, decorating, home improvement

I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program
Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive.

I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all

If you are going to make such a choice, why don't you accept that choice and stop this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy"


"So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't.

"I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded

"so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind

"so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different



Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2814545 08/12/14 12:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all
I'd love to have that, too! Who wouldn't? I have made the choice, though, that there are more important things for me and my family.

Last edited by Prisca; 08/12/14 12:10 PM.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program
Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive.

I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all
You should have money for this purpose. All the money in your marriage should be spent with joint agreement. Your access to money should be identical to FTF's. You should not be in a compromised position when it comes to controlling the finances.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
MelodyLane #2814556 08/12/14 12:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233


I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping? [/quote]

That sounds lovely! He's very good about doing whatever I want to do smile

mrEureka #2814557 08/12/14 12:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233


I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all [/quote]You should have money for this purpose. All the money in your marriage should be spent with joint agreement. Your access to money should be identical to FTF's. You should not be in a compromised position when it comes to controlling the finances. [/quote]

I'm not in a compromised position. I just want to buy a nice shirt for myself every once in awhile

Prisca #2814558 08/12/14 12:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all
I'd love to have that, too! Who wouldn't? I have made the choice, though, that there are more important things for me and my family.

Yeah, it really sucks bc I'm so selfish

Prisca #2814561 08/12/14 12:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy"


"So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't.

"I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded

"so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind

"so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different

I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping?

That sounds lovely! He's very good about doing whatever I want to do smile [/quote]

ok, here is your assignment, Madam! Print out this worksheet and start filling in the week with your H. Fill in things that you would most enjoy doing together. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

Think about places you would like to shop, dinners together, sight seeing, etc and fill in a whole week with him. This afternoon you can make up a list of the things that would make you the HAPPIEST on your dates.

Can you do that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2814564 08/12/14 12:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program
Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive.

I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all

If you are going to make such a choice, why don't you accept that choice and stop this?

Stop what? Feeling the way I feel?

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
but it doesn't bother me that he did it. I just want to do it too
Can you explain to me, a non social media person, what pleasure you get from a FB account? What do you get from it that you couldn't get from, say, emailing your friends and sending pictures that way?

Also, how is FB different from "watching the world outside my window"?

It's difficult for me not to make my questions sound scathing, but I'm trying to push you to see whether you can get those pleasures in any other way, and to see things from another perspective.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Prisca #2814581 08/12/14 01:02 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy"


"So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't.

"I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded

"so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind

"so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different

Another thing to add to this: sarcasm and exaggerations are VERY often lovebusters. You should try to avoid them.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2814582 08/12/14 01:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not
Whenever you say what the other person is thinking or feeling, you are making a DJ.

There is no difference between saying "I feel like he expects me to live in a box" and "I just wants me to live in a box." Or "I feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not" and "He just doesn't care if I'm bored or not." Adding the words "I feel" does not make these statements any better -- they are still disrespectful judgements and are still lovebusters.

Disrespectful judgements are VERY TRICKY to see in ourselves. This is going to take some practice before you consistently see them in yourself.

Start trying to talk about your feelings without getting into DJs. It's difficult, I know, but you can learn it and with practice it will become easy.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

SugarCane #2814583 08/12/14 01:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
but it doesn't bother me that he did it. I just want to do it too
Can you explain to me, a non social media person, what pleasure you get from a FB account? What do you get from it that you couldn't get from, say, emailing your friends and sending pictures that way?

Also, how is FB different from "watching the world outside my window"?

It's difficult for me not to make my questions sound scathing, but I'm trying to push you to see whether you can get those pleasures in any other way, and to see things from another perspective.

All good questions that I have asked myself already. I never really got on FB when I had an account anyway so I never really missed it. I did miss hearing all about my friend's lives and looking at pictures of their kids and hearing about all the things they were doing. It just makes me feel more connected somehow. Especially when somebody says "Just get on the facebook page" for such and such. I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads
Just look at them like they have 2 heads in return laugh It's what I do!


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2814586 08/12/14 01:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not
Whenever you say what the other person is thinking or feeling, you are making a DJ.

There is no difference between saying "I feel like he expects me to live in a box" and "I just wants me to live in a box." Or "I feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not" and "He just doesn't care if I'm bored or not." Adding the words "I feel" does not make these statements any better -- they are still disrespectful judgements and are still lovebusters.

Disrespectful judgements are VERY TRICKY to see in ourselves. This is going to take some practice before you consistently see them in yourself.

Start trying to talk about your feelings without getting into DJs. It's difficult, I know, but you can learn it and with practice it will become easy.

So how would I word this without being disrespectful? "I feel like he expects me to live in a box"?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
So how would I word this without being disrespectful? "I feel like he expects me to live in a box"?
First, tell me what he's doing or saying that makes you feel that way.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by feuillecouleur
I did miss hearing all about my friend's lives and looking at pictures of their kids and hearing about all the things they were doing. It just makes me feel more connected somehow. Especially when somebody says "Just get on the facebook page" for such and such. I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads
I can appreciate that - except caring about their reactions to my not having any accounts.

My friends are very good at sending emails saying "this is for you. I posted it on FB today". I have no idea if they do it with everything, but they do it enough for me to know the juicy stuff. Can you get your friends to do that?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2814592 08/12/14 01:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
FC, before you disappeared last time, I posted this,and I understand that it it upset you, so I apologise. I'm going to try and explain what I meant, and to press you for an answer.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
fc, what could your husband do for you to make you happy in your marriage? I don't get the feeling that you are happy in your marriage and I wonder what is missing for you. MB is all about identifying such issues and working on them.

I don't mean things like letting you work outside the home, which would in fact take you away from the marriage, and which is nothing to do with the way he behaves towards you. I mean in his daily interactions with you. What needs is he not meeting as well as you'd like, or what love busters is he committing?
I was trying to say that I know you want to go out to work, but I'm trying to find out whether that is the only thing that makes your marriage not romantic for you.

If you went out to work, do you think you would be romantically drawn to your H? I know you would be happy in yourself, because you'd have money to do do things you like doing. (I like that aspect of working, too.)

However, I'm asking about being in love with your H. Is he doing something that stops that from happening? Does he have mannerisms or a style of conversation or annoying habits or anything else that makes romance difficult for you?

I'm asking because, since going out to work is not advised right now, and since doing so might not increase your romantic feelings at all, you still need to focus on your direct relationship with your H.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5