Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
BlairBluefin #2780006 02/01/14 01:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Sorry for being cryptic. January 6 went fine. It has been three January 6th's now that we have been happy, with no deceptions or betrayal.

Life has changed for us in the interceding 3 years. We spend all our time together, we sleep together every night, and we are content.

DS1 is out now. DH welcomes him. The rift I'd thought was uncurable there, has too, healed.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



TheLongRun #2814717 08/13/14 02:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
The rift has not healed, from H's POV. He brings DS1 and the past into every negotiation about the present and contends that I am impossible, that he cannot work with me, and says that "we should make our arrangements if you're not going to work with me on this."

Mel, you were right: We are not in recovery; H does not take anything seriously. He keeps his own counsel and will not read books or articles about how to save our marriage. We have been to counseling in the past, several times, and he does not take it seriously.

His angry outbursts are over the top. He does not want to support me in raising my grandson. He says my son should do it, and that is true, but DS does not have the resources right now, and I need H's support. I'm working full time and putting a roof over everybody's head, paying all the bills, and doing most of the housework. He says I don't appreciate his efforts, but he is not trying that hard. I am done with plan A and am fighting back now.

Our DS 23 has come home one week ago, at H's insistence, and we have not had any UA time or SF since. There is now a lot of conflict between us, to say the least.

I want to write to Dr. Harley concisely to ask for his advice. The issues are complicated.

We are no longer "in recovery" or "surviving an affair". Not sure where to post this, but need help on how to write the letter to Dr. H before consulting divorce lawyer.


Last edited by ImNotReady2Quit; 08/13/14 02:24 AM. Reason: clarification

Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



TheLongRun #2814718 08/13/14 06:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by ImNotReady2Quit
I want to write to Dr. Harley concisely to ask for his advice. The issues are complicated.

We are no longer "in recovery" or "surviving an affair". Not sure where to post this, but need help on how to write the letter to Dr. H before consulting divorce lawyer.

Just write an email with your story. Let us know when you hear back.

If he is having AOs, you should separate until he completes anger management.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Hello,
My husband is not willing to participate in an anger management program. I asked him again about it tonight; he said no. He said he is "in despair" about our marriage, but he's not willing to leave. He asks me to "just be nice" and "everything will be fine" and I'm sure that's true. He does still keep to his EP's, even though it's been 3 years of no contact since his EA. If he were really in despair, he would leave.

Dear Dr. Harley,
I am questioning everything I have learned here about the benefits of a Christian monogamous marriage. My husband is willing, and he is loving, and will meet my most important emotional needs. However he is unwilling to help me raise my grandson, of whom I have custody.

Yesterday I spoke to a domestic violence counselor who advised me to take legal action to get out of my marriage, because he is hurting me. She said I deserve to be free of abuse, and I don't have to live like this, and I have options. I want to have a happy life.

But I have worked hard to be the perfect wife and to save my marriage. I have followed your plan, but I made mistakes. My husband is not willing to read or follow any plan. He does tell me I am perfect, and he tries to meet my intimate emotional needs, and he spends UA time with me. But he steadfastly reiterates that he will not help me raise my grandson. He has angry outbursts frequently. He says I am "torturing" him, but he is not sad, and I am crying at work because he hates my "excruciating phone calls" while he's comfortable at home. I would like for him to seek better employment, and I could retire and care for our two young children, my grandson, and our home.

I have tried to implement plan B, but he refuses to leave.
I've asked him to go to anger management, but he says no.
We have three grown children. Both boys have abused two different girlfriends over he past 4 years.

Neither my son nor the child's mother is capable of caring for my grandson full time. My youngest boy is 10. My grandson is 4. I hope they grow up to be successful men and not abuse women.

It seems mean and opportunistic for me to report my bruises my husband made on my arms 3 days ago. He says he's in despair. Where will he have to go? Once I do it, I can't undo it. He'll be arrested.

On 12/6/07 I pressed charges against him for throwing a load of laundry at me, and there was a restraining order and a court hearing, and my children were angry with me for making him leave. That night I wrote my husband an apology letter telling him how much I loved him and that I would never do anything to hurt him, and mailed it. It sat on the desk, unopened, for over three years.

In 12/10 he began to see OW because he said he'd "given up" on the marriage, but he didn't tell me he was seeing OW until I found out 3/11. I now believe it was the element of surprise that made me fight so hard for our marriage. Also it was because I love him, thought he'd lost his mind, and I didn't want to break up my childrens' home, and I had to stop him from ruining his own life.

He never opened my apology letter for having him arrested. I tore it up during his EA out of frustration, because he would not open it nor emotionally engage with me.

He has changed his life and is devoted to me now. He doesn't go out without me. He answers the phone every time I call, for 3 years now. He emotionally engages with me, but complains that it's "too much", and that I am "difficult". He tells me he loves me constantly. I believe him.

But he's still fighting me. I want to be free of abuse and emotional manipulation. I want to be free to retire and to raise my grandson. I want my husband to be safe and happy with me and our family. What can I do to make things better without hurting him?

Sincerely,
ImNotReadyToQuit

Last edited by ImNotReady2Quit; 10/23/14 12:50 AM.

Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by ImNotReady2Quit
Hello,
My husband is not willing to participate in an anger management program. I asked him again about it tonight; he said no. He said he is "in despair" about our marriage, but he's not willing to leave. He asks me to "just be nice" and "everything will be fine" and I'm sure that's true. He does still keep to his EP's, even though it's been 3 years of no contact since his EA. If he were really in despair, he would leave.

Dear Dr. Harley,
I am questioning everything I have learned here about the benefits of a Christian monogamous marriage. My husband is willing, and he is loving, and will meet my most important emotional needs. However he is unwilling to help me raise my grandson, of whom I have custody.

Yesterday I spoke to a domestic violence counselor who advised me to take legal action to get out of my marriage, because he is hurting me. She said I deserve to be free of abuse, and I don't have to live like this, and I have options. I want to have a happy life.

But I have worked hard to be the perfect wife and to save my marriage. I have followed your plan, but I made mistakes. My husband is not willing to read or follow any plan. He does tell me I am perfect, and he tries to meet my intimate emotional needs, and he spends UA time with me. But he steadfastly reiterates that he will not help me raise my grandson. He has angry outbursts frequently. He says I am "torturing" him, but he is not sad, and I am crying at work because he hates my "excruciating phone calls" while he's comfortable at home. I would like for him to seek better employment, and I could retire and care for our two young children, my grandson, and our home.

I have tried to implement plan B, but he refuses to leave.
I've asked him to go to anger management, but he says no.
We have three grown children. Both boys have abused two different girlfriends over he past 4 years.

Neither my son nor the child's mother is capable of caring for my grandson full time. My youngest boy is 10. My grandson is 4. I hope they grow up to be successful men and not abuse women.

It seems mean and opportunistic for me to report my bruises my husband made on my arms 3 days ago. He says he's in despair. Where will he have to go? Once I do it, I can't undo it. He'll be arrested.

On 12/6/07 I pressed charges against him for throwing a load of laundry at me, and there was a restraining order and a court hearing, and my children were angry with me for making him leave. That night I wrote my husband an apology letter telling him how much I loved him and that I would never do anything to hurt him, and mailed it. It sat on the desk, unopened, for over three years.

In 12/10 he began to see OW because he said he'd "given up" on the marriage, but he didn't tell me he was seeing OW until I found out 3/11. I now believe it was the element of surprise that made me fight so hard for our marriage. Also it was because I love him, thought he'd lost his mind, and I didn't want to break up my childrens' home, and I had to stop him from ruining his own life.

He never opened my apology letter for having him arrested. I tore it up during his EA out of frustration, because he would not open it nor emotionally engage with me.

He has changed his life and is devoted to me now. He doesn't go out without me. He answers the phone every time I call, for 3 years now. He emotionally engages with me, but complains that it's "too much", and that I am "difficult". He tells me he loves me constantly. I believe him.

But he's still fighting me. I want to be free of abuse and emotional manipulation. I want to be free to retire and to raise my grandson. I want my husband to be safe and happy with me and our family. What can I do to make things better without hurting him?

Sincerely,
ImNotReadyToQuit
Did you email the above post to Dr Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you email the above post to Dr Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
Thank you. I would like to email my question.

I see that the option for editing my post is gone. I would like to change my post. How can I do that?


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
You could Notify the MODS or just rewrite it and post it again.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5