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Hey Rock. Staying solid I hope! That was all. Feel down? Go for a run it works wonders! Even 100 yards

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My advice is stop being reactive and be proactive. Make your decisions for what's best for you like a Neak said. Even though your in Plan B its a rollercoaster and you see how "news" about your WH upsets you. Do you and running or some exercise does wonders for depression. Buy a workout DVD and start small. What have you done for rocksolid lately?

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Originally Posted By: TranquilDark
My advice is stop being reactive and be proactive. Make your decisions for what's best for you like a Neak said. Even though your in Plan B its a rollercoaster and you see how "news" about your WH upsets you. Do you and running or some exercise does wonders for depression. Buy a workout DVD and start small. What have you done for rocksolid lately?


Hi Tranquil. Thanks I will have to remember to be proactive and not reactive. I often forget this and need the reminder. I tend to be very reactive and let my emotions take over.
I haven't done any exercise. I'm often so exhausted when I get home from work that I'm too tired. I'm thinking about buying a bicycle though and maybe doing some leisurely riding to start with.
I do feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I feel I have had so many hurtful things thrown at me. I often wonder how I've got through it all. But somehow I have. Wonder if it will ever get any easier. Thinking am I ever going to get a break!

It's great knowing I have lots of support here and that everyone can relate.

Last edited by rocksolid; 08/18/14 06:18 AM.

Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: Bluebeck
Hey Rock. Staying solid I hope! That was all. Feel down? Go for a run it works wonders! Even 100 yards


I used to run when I was a teenager but that was a long time ago! I think a walk might be a better start for me.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: Neak
hug Whatever is best for YOU, that's what you do.


Thanks Neak. I'm starting to realise this. I have to think of myself now.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Whenever I had a down day, I would look to see if anything had triggered it (sometimes it was just a very innocuous item from my marriage) or if it was just one of the days the rollercoaster dipped some.

I was able to eliminate a lot of triggers in this way and keep down days to a minimum. But you are going to get them. The other down days will only go away with time.

Every down period is followed by an upswing. You learn how to enjoy the upswings and endure the downs - treating them like summer rainstorms. So much so that you are surprised when the downs disappear all together.

I think anyone who endures this and comes out the other side becomes naturally formidable. No matter what future pressures await you will always know how to treat your feelings and anxieties like temporary weather conditions, look past them, hold your nerve, show patience and come out smiling.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Formidable. Yes. smile


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Whenever I had a down day, I would look to see if anything had triggered it (sometimes it was just a very innocuous item from my marriage) or if it was just one of the days the rollercoaster dipped some.

I was able to eliminate a lot of triggers in this way and keep down days to a minimum. But you are going to get them. The other down days will only go away with time.

Every down period is followed by an upswing. You learn how to enjoy the upswings and endure the downs - treating them like summer rainstorms. So much so that you are surprised when the downs disappear all together.

I think anyone who endures this and comes out the other side becomes naturally formidable. No matter what future pressures await you will always know how to treat your feelings and anxieties like temporary weather conditions, look past them, hold your nerve, show patience and come out smiling.



Hi Indie
I have been triggered. I saw my friend at the store the other day and she kindly told me my WH had a big real estate For Sale sign out the front of his place with photos on the sign.

I tried for days not to look but I went on the real estate website and looked at the photos of our home. It just made me sad to see all the work he had done to our home and there was a photo of him and OW on the bedside table.

I know I shouldn't have looked at the website but I couldn't help it. I knew it was going to make me upset yet I still looked.

My friend who told me about the sign, she actually lives in the same suburb as where my WH has bought his new house. So I am not going to go to her house anymore. It will upset me too much to go to that suburb knowng my WH is moving there. It's not my friend's fault but I just can't go there anymore. If she is a good friend, she will understand and we can meet elsewhere.

I don't really see her a lot anymore anyway so I don't think it will be a problem.

So I want to make some goals for the next 6 months. I want to heal. I want to try and get over him and be feeling a lot better in 6 months time. Then after that, I will focus on the next 6 months.

I need some ideas for a few weeks time when my divorce will probably be final. I need some ideas how to deal with this. This is going to be hard.

I hope I can come out the other side and be formidable too!


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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I feel like I have no willpower in looking at the pictures. So I've looked now, I won't be looking again.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Quote:
I know I shouldn't have looked at the website TRUE
but I couldn't help it FALSE.
I knew it was going to make me upset TRUE
yet I still looked TRUE.


What's done is done. We're just dealing with mop-up here, figuring out what needs to be learned and moving forward. I submit to you that as long as you let yourself get away with lying to yourself as above, you will continue to make these unwise choices. Choices that have long-term consequences for your emotional well-being, which then spills over into your physical well-being.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
I feel like I have no willpower in looking at the pictures. So I've looked now, I won't be looking again.

What are you going to do to avoid this next time?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You are going to meet friends from time to time who you aren't so close to. All close friends should know you will not entertain hearing the first syllable of his name.

Other people should be interrupted by the second syllable: "he is not my business. I do not accept news or gossip about him for my own sanity. I do NOT want to know".

If you interrupt them before hearing the news, you won't be triggered and you won't know to look into whatever is they were going to tell you.

When they do tell you news, come to this site first.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You have a weak spot. While working to correct it, also accept it. Protect it. Guard it vigilantly, because it's a back door to your health.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I do have a very weak spot. I'm still having such emotional days wondering how I'm supposed to go on. I know I go on for my son but I find it so hard coping with this. Maybe everything is just getting to me with the divorce and everything.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
You are going to meet friends from time to time who you aren't so close to. All close friends should know you will not entertain hearing the first syllable of his name.

Other people should be interrupted by the second syllable: "he is not my business. I do not accept news or gossip about him for my own sanity. I do NOT want to know".

If you interrupt them before hearing the news, you won't be triggered and you won't know to look into whatever is they were going to tell you.

When they do tell you news, come to this site first.



Thanks Indie I do have to do this. Thankfully the friend that gave me such news I don't see that often.

Another problem I have is my IM starting to make comments all the time about WH. Saying he doesn't care about me, she even butted her nose in and rang the real estate asking them how much his house is on the market for. She says she is doing it for me and she wants me to get as much money as possible from the settlement.

I did say to her that I can't believe you rang the real estate and that she shouldn't have done that.

I feel she's pushing too far in my business now. She's a good friend to me. I think I need to tell her to back off.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: rocksolid
I feel like I have no willpower in looking at the pictures. So I've looked now, I won't be looking again.

What are you going to do to avoid this next time?



I'm going to start doing what Indie says and tell them I don't want to hear anything about him and it's not my business. I'll have to walk away if need be I think.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
Joined: May 2012
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Originally Posted By: Neak
Quote:
I know I shouldn't have looked at the website TRUE
but I couldn't help it FALSE.
I knew it was going to make me upset TRUE
yet I still looked TRUE.


What's done is done. We're just dealing with mop-up here, figuring out what needs to be learned and moving forward. I submit to you that as long as you let yourself get away with lying to yourself as above, you will continue to make these unwise choices. Choices that have long-term consequences for your emotional well-being, which then spills over into your physical well-being.


Hi Neak

You are right. I didn't have to look at the pictures. I am so weak in things like this. I feel I have no willpower grr!!

This is such a long road. I seriously just want to feel better now.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: rocksolid
I feel like I have no willpower in looking at the pictures. So I've looked now, I won't be looking again.

What are you going to do to avoid this next time?



I'm going to start doing what Indie says and tell them I don't want to hear anything about him and it's not my business. I'll have to walk away if need be I think.



I actually had to put my fingers in my ears and sing while walking off on one occasion. They never tried it again!

You need a neutral person to be your IM. An IM gets to see such an ugly side during the A they end up hating the wayward if they are too close to the issue. I would try presenting a very strong front to the IM; you don't care, you don't want to know etc.. This means they don't feel they have to argue you into taking care of yourself. I'd also tell her that if she is getting too upset on your behalf, it will also affect you and someone else will need to do it.

I don't think her enquiring about the house price is a bad an idea though.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I laughed Indie about you singing with your fingers in your ears!

I may have to try that if I need to.

My IM did used to be very neutral but I do think she is getting too close to the situation. I will try and be more tougher with her if she says anything else.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
I laughed Indie about you singing with your fingers in your ears!

I may have to try that if I need to.

My IM did used to be very neutral but I do think she is getting too close to the situation. I will try and be more tougher with her if she says anything else.



There is a thread here for IM's.
Has your IM read it?

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