But if you can't resolve the traveling problem you can't make it work. I don't think you understand that. None of this works if you cherry pick a little here and a little there.

This won't work if you don't start spending every night together. Dr Harley told you this.

And I don't see your husband doing anything to recover your marriage. He is not taking these principles and getting them in place. And you are SURE NOT doing it.

This is a step by step plan for recovery. It is not a cafeteria plan where you choose your favorite dishes. It must be followed to the letter:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Trust me my favorite dish is not working in another state. Been there done that. However it pays the bills. I have always hated this. I felt like a work horse. I felt left out of everything. I resent the years I missed with my kids. It sucks.

Add to that, your marriage won't recover this way. So what is the plan to change this?

I will think about it....

I wish your husband would come back and post. He seems unwilling to face what needs to be done here to heal the marriage.

I get the sense that you've been running the show for a long time in this marriage. It has led to tremendous resentment which was the precursor to the entitlement that led you into an affair.

He might need to get a steady job as part of recovery. You've mentioned more than once that you feel alone in carrying the financial burden for the family. I don't know what his self employment is all about but if it's not generating enough, he needs to get moving.

I myself am going through a mid life career change to bring more stability to my family. It's humbling and difficult but being 'self employed' wasn't cutting it. I still have time to run my business on the side.

He should come here and get support and some direction. He's definitely letting you run the show here and we know where that leads...straight into the ditch.

Oh my word no! I was taught the husband is the leader go along get along say nothing. It's what I do. I have always said I am fine even when I am hurting or pissed. That is funny you think that. I am the head in the sand.

I don't believe that for a second. There's no way you'd become this 'workhorse' without making up your own mind to do so. I doubt he forced you to take that on.

Somewhere you stopped trusting him to take care of you and you just went out and decided to carry the burden alone. This has really damaged the marriage. His passivity combined with your resentment for having the shoulder the burden.

You are very distorted when it comes to seeing yourself and your role in this.

Maybe I am bold on here because there is no threat....

Are you serious? I have wanted to stay home since I had my first child or at least work less. I work because I make the steady income...

That is not believable. You have shown yourself to be an extremely aggressive woman on this forum who is accustomed to running the show. You HAVE been running the "recovery" show entirely.

Perhaps. But being the one earning the money also gave you tremendous control. You really need to open up to seeing this from many different angles and quit being married to what you think the truth is. We all tell ourselves stories to make things make sense. Your stories don't seem to be serving you.

ok, lets say he is in charge of the recovery ship. What is his plan to get you out of this traveling job? What is the plan to get you sleeping together every night?

This problem has been brought up over and over and over again to you and you are still no closer to a resolution than you were a week ago.

not only are your stories not serving you, THEY DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE to an objective observer.

Wow! This is nuts. I have never said boo toy husband before. When I told him about the affair my intent was to leave. Not for the other man for myself. I was tired of pretending I was fine when I was dying. When I told my husband the truth it was Becauae I has decided I was done faking. I am absolutely not in control of anything.

So what is his plan to get you spending the nights together?

I am sorry if I don't make sense but three months ago I decided I would never lie again. I would tell my husband kids whoever how I felt weather it was easy or not. Just like you all are doing with me.

I think he wants me to continue what I am doing until I graduate. That has been the plan.

Gotcha, so he is not interested in recovery and is not going to take Dr Harley's advice?

He values the money you make over the marriage. That's what it looks like from here. VERY SAD.