I was hoping to reach Dr. Harley based on some of the info I read on the website but, since I couldn�t figure out a way to contact him directly decided to post my humiliating story instead and hope to get some advice on how to proceed.

So im 37, married 2 years (our anniversary was last week), and know my wife is having an affair and not sure how to confront as i obtained my info by less than honorable means.

A while back my wife began acting suspicious, and i resorted to play stupid, yet monitor her every move, im an engineer by trade so it wasn�t hard to get into her email and such, track her phone etc... granted not exactly the best way but that�s beside the fact. Some of the info was also collected from old personal calendars she had, just happen to flip through one as they were being toted to the recycle bin 'meet with B :)' on certain days, i hid them for safekeeping instead...

so as horrid as this is about to sound apparently she is having an affair with her uncle(mothers sisters husband), luckily we live in the US and the guy in Europe with the rest of her extended family. So its not like she could easily go there, and when she does I always push to go along and make sure we arrive and depart together. Anyhow, Im not sure what she sees in this guy except he is nearly twice her age and apparently they have been at this for some time before I even met my wife.

Anyhow so i have voiced my concerns and objections to my wife regarding the way the [censored] looks at her while we were visiting family in europe, pretending i knew nothing else, and also brought up how I stumbled (which i had) across some pictures of the guy in our shared dropbox folder, nothing scandalous but you could tell my wife actually admired the pics... she claimed that they were for a family photo album which i knew was BS, but played dumb.... anyhow my wife knows i have become increasingly suspicious (even though i already know) the question i have is what to do?

If i had any balls id somehow jump on a plane to the EU while the mrs was at some work conference and kick the [censored] out of him. However i realize the main blame is with my wife. I see how it can be spun (by her) that i might not be meeting her emotional needs etc... but since they have been involved longer than even i have been in the picture, its hard to justify that position. Granted its not like i can tell her i hacked into her email and copied all their correspondence from 2006 etc...

Anyhow i haven�t been able to keep my mind off my personal woes, and sometime its hard to sleep with all the stuff constantly swirling in my head of how to fix this� while they keep emailing each other with all how they like to meet up again. On the last visit we had to EU i was successful in making it impossible for a meet up to occur, however due to the [censored] son getting married himself i didn�t want to confront him in full display of 500 people., but figure its only a matter of time before she asks to �visit family� without me - I can�t keep her from visiting her family.

So something does need to happen...
I came across a logical posting on an advice column regarding what do long term, but how should i bring this up?

If I bring up too much info she will know i had her under my own personal surveillance, and she might just create some new method to communicate to the [censored]... which i may never uncover.
If i do nothing i look like a loser�.

Trying to figure out my options..
1) I could hack the guys account and "accidentally" forward one of their nasty emails to his wife (im sure that would be interesting)
2) confront him (stay away)
3) confront my wife
4) inform his wife
5) ?? ask her for permission to fool around
6) ?? let her catch me fooling around
7) ?? fool around as well
8) ?? come to some arrangement / open relationship (shes going to do what she wants anyhow....)
9) <fill in blank>

Anyhow regressing... i was reading on a advice column that i should:

1) Decide boundaries. Do you want her to quit her job, move out, turn off all text, what? What will you accept?
2) Set boundaries. Only you can decide what these are. "Wife, I feel disrespected when you text [censored] notes to your boss. I will no longer live with a wife who sends [censored] notes to her boss. You will *insert steves's boundary* or I will *insert steve's consequence*.
3) Enforce the consequences. What are you willing to risk?

4) Expect her to test your boundaries. You've put up with her [censored] for a long time. She will expect you to keep putting up with it. Don't do it.
5) If she will not respect your boundaries, NEXT HER [censored]. Why would you want to be with a woman that does the unacceptable? If it's unacceptable (aka a boundary) don't accept it.


Technically we only had a religious marriage and not a civil one (thank goodness), however we do own a home together although i pay for mortgage in full, but im conflicted what to do.

Is she worth all this trouble? She has a phd and very sharp, im just worried ill always be the third (based off their communications) but who knows�. She says she loves me� and well perhaps TMI but im always willing/ready to be physical with her� so that�s not the issue. She has said that I fail to meet her emotional needs� which might be true but its quite complex; i think i love her but this betrayal has changed me. She has seen this change in me and my behavior toward her (as much as i try to bottle it all up inside). My inlaws are awesome (way better than my own parents perhaps), i worry how this will affect them and i just dont even know anymore. My mind is like a computer trying to play out different scenarios and how they could play out but i could really use some advice.

Hi Steve, welcome to Marriage Builders. That is an extremely long post and I don't have the free time to read the whole thing but I think I GOT the idea in the first few paragraphs. Your issue is that your wife is having an affair with her uncle, and oddly, you feel guilty about snooping and finding out the truth.

First, lets address the issue of snooping. AS her husband, you have a right and a need to know everything she does since it affects you. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy their spouse behind his back. Therefore, you have a right and a moral responsibility to snoop on her when you know she is hiding things from you.

Therefore, what you should do is:

a) save all the evidence in a safe place
b) confront her and just give her enough tidbits to persuade her that you know EVERYTHING
c) demand that she end her affair
d) without forewarning her, expose the affair to your entire family and close friends using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread

When she asks you how you know all this, tell her you CANNOT DIVULGE YOUR RESOURCES, BUT ASSURE HER YOU ARE WATCHING HER EVERY MOVE. Tell her she can "trust" that you are watching her like Sherlock Holmes.


What does this mean exactly? Are you really married?

Hi, Steve,

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read Dr. Harley's Q&A columns about how to survive infidelity?

You can email Dr. Harley's radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com . But if you listen to MelodyLane's advice, she has been at this for over ten years, learning and guiding people through Dr. Harley's plans. You could not ask for better help!

Steve,
You have taken good steps and your instincts have served you well. You need to kill this affair using exposure, as ML suggested in the above post.

Let all in her family and yours know that they are having an affair and ask them for their help in persuading both parties to end it. Make sure you tell them that you love your wife and you are fighting for your marriage. After exposing your wife will be angry for letting her circle and his know about their dirty laundry, but by exposing you will shed light on their sordid affair and this will hold both accountable and prevent hopefully a relapse. Affairs are an ADDICTION. They are not easily ended, but with social pressure, the fantasy bubble can pop.

Once the affair is exposed, your wife must agree to end contact for life with Uncle Perv and write him a letter that you read and send off yourself.

Once you get to this point, we will help you recover your marriage and help you to learn to meet her emotional needs.

Should i go to europe and do this all in person?
remember My wife has no family here... they are all over there in europe




Since she has no family in the US, if i go there and talk with family members would that be better?

I might as well reveal my sources as it looks like she has set up an alternate email address, which i may not be able to uncover for some time....

this isnt the kind of stuff you just want to send in the mail.... should i redact certain parts of the correspondence?



OK - seriously so could i use this info so that she just walks away from the house? / on condition i not tell anyone / except the [censored] wife? (whom im sure will spread it around herself) ??


Im trying to be strategic and think, yes the wedding was a missed opportunity of sorts, but my wife will be at comfirmed conference for work in 2 weeks - i could go then to EU and inform them... it would be terribly expensive though. should I even bother? or just call the guys wife and talk via phone.

No, you don't need to expose in person, that would be a needless delay. But I am unclear on your vague language: are you married or not?


That is not strategic. That is like giving your plan to the enemy.

Exposure is always critical but even more so in this case as it involves family. He is a viper and all eyes need to be on him.

You should always expose to the BS in person/on the phone as the affairees tend to snoop on the person they are betraying and monitor their accounts.

Don't give your game plan away or try to barter/negotiate with terrorists. Expose and don't even worry about 'confronting' your wife. She already knows she is having an affair.

If she confronts you about your snooping methods simply tell her you are an involved and caring husband and she can expect you to watch her like a hawk.

Sir, are you legally married?

Since it appears you are not legally married, I would not follow the steps in Surviving an Affair.
Dr. Harley wrote that book for married couples, that made a legal commitment to each other.

You did not make such a commitment.

He isn't legally married.

The purpose of exposure is to expose a violation of the trust of marriage.
Exposure will not help you in this case Sir because people know that boyfriends and girlfriends break up all the time.
That is normal in a "renter" type relationship.

That being said, it DOES appear that the "wife's" uncle IS actually married and thus should be told about her husband's activities with his niece.

As an attorney, be careful what and how you expose. I would discuss with the betrayed wife but not give copies of any material which could be considered an illegal invasion of privacy or hacking. Now there are big gray areas here. A guy in Michigan got charged with the crime and dragged through court for several years for "hacking" his wife's email and disclosing to husband number 1 (who the wife shared a child with) that the wife was taking his kid around husband #2 who husband #1 had a restriction against the child being exposed to husband #2. Husband #3 (who was upset wife was having an affair with husband #2 so he snooped her emails and obtained evidence of the affair) claimed she kept her passwords in a book sitting next to the computer and that his wife had no expectation of privacy. So claiming it's a joint account or you share passwords could be a pretty good defense but who wants to sit in court and hire attorney's defending such a claim. It's very unlikely anyone gets charged with this kind of crime unless you are very blatant and put an admission on the record. Your best bet is denial. Someone else did it. Someone else sent it to you. Don't provide hard copies of anything really incriminating but enough detail to prove to the betrayed wife that it's actually true.

If you live in a one party recording state (a state where you can carry a recording device or wear a recording WP3 watch or something and record a conversation without telling you spouse) then you may want to confront her with all your evidence and break through the wall of denial to such a point that she breaks down and confesses. Then, you use the recording itself as your proof to the other betrayed wife.

Whether she's your legal wife or religious wife or girlfriend, your best chance to get her back and away from her creeper Uncle is to expose. The truth shall set her free. She must be so ashamed of what she's doing. It's such an indicator of self-hatred and insecurity and/or narcissism and selfishness.

You "married" her at age 35??? Is this your first wife????

As far as caring what SHE thinks about your snooping. pshhhhaw, as if.

Waywards often try to deflect and get upset about being spied upon as if your offense of finding out the truth about YOUR life somehow is worse than what they may or may not being doing. It's normal for them to do this because their best defense is often a good offense (attack YOU for your actions while not discussing their own). Don't worry about it. You had every right to the truth about your life. Don't even entertain feeling bad about it (because if you do...they will try to manipulate you on this point). You had the right to know that she's been cheating on you your entire relationship with her with her married uncle and the aunt certainly deserves to know too.

Don't threaten exposure or she will forewarn her friends and family overseas. Just do it.

Godspeed.

Mr Jedi Knight, please get off you moral high horse. We had a religious ceremony (with over 200 people in attendance) before God who we both care about more than any "Government" , as such we opted opted not to have a civil ceremony. Please be careful where you tread...

Thanks MrWondering

and as to your question ;
You "married" her at age 35??? Is this your first wife????

Technically no i was legally married when i was 20, to someone for about 9 months or so... i vowed to do it differently next time... i was at university at the time, and found out she liked her coworkers a bit too much.

Some have it easy, but guess in light of this, its safe to say in hindsight that ive had a hard time meeting quality women.


why does that matter or are you just curious?

Yes, Sir. I can see that she is VERY committed to your "marriage" and God.

I'm not riding a moral high horse.
I'm merely trying to explain to you that the concepts in Surviving an Affair are for married couples that have made a legal commitment to each other.
Despite your religious ceremony, you and your partner chose to identify as being single for tax filings, death benefits, etc.
Dr. Harley wrote an article about the commitment of marriage which you can read here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_Wedding.html

Here is an article Dr. Harley wrote about cohabitation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

In many states, a religious-only ceremony does not constitute a legal union.

Being married is a boolean state. It is either true or false. In this case, it is false.

Anybody who desires to be truly married does so completely. The statement that there was no civil ceremony is bizarre. When my wife and I got married, we fulfilled the legal registration process and then had a religious ceremony in a church. If by "civil ceremony", you mean not registering a legal marriage, then you are not married. I'd bet that the people who attended your ceremony would probably have thought differently about doing so if they had known that it was all just theater and you weren't really committing to a full legal marriage.

I don't say this from a moral standpoint, but...

It does actually matter quite a lot. When a union is not legal it is quite a bit easier to get out of. The door is open and one foot is out of it. That's not full on commitment.

I would say however that your having a religious ceremony with witnesses means you may well have supporters. Exposure could still have some weight on that basis, but I would hazard a guess that it would not be as strong and as Mr Wondering points out, probably most of the outrage will be towards the breaking up of the legal marriage.

The plans here may not work as well for you because it is so easy for your wife to leave and to justify to herself that she 'isn't really married' - I don't attach a moral or value judgement to your claim that you are. But then equally I probably wouldn't to hers either.

I sympathise that you are probably quite fed up with modern marriage laws and their lack of protection when things go wrong. You are preaching to the choir to many of us here. However Dr H would not advise an invalid marriage as a way of getting around that difficulty.