Are you saying that she doesn't care or understand the danger of being close to the OM after all this time?

A FWS who is serious about "never doing that again" does not put herself into tempting situations.

I find it frustrating that we have to explain this logic to a BS who has been here for YEARS.

We probably are 'behind' where we should be in recovery.

I'm not blaming...just saying the last 3 years hfm had been in grad school.

In retrospect this probably left us nibbling at the edges of MB, and not time for in depth immersion.

Mel,

If you ask hfm, I feel that she would say one affair taught her enough lessons for a lifetime, that she is remorseful and humiliated about her actions, that she would not allow conditions that could cause an affair to exist, and that she is resolute that OM is not a danger to her or or marriage, and that she is firm in her never, ever destroying her life again by having another affair....with this OM or any other.

I think that's what she would say to you.

A person who is serious about "never doing it again" does not take risks with their recovery. You and your wife seem to imagine that will power will protect you. It hasn't protected you in the past and it won't protect you in the future. A SERIOUS WS does not place herself in tempting situations.

I am a recovering alcoholic with 29 years of sobriety. I don't tempt myself by hanging out in bars because I take my sobriety seriously. Do I feel "punished" because I can't go into bars? Hell no. I felt punished when I was struggling with alcoholism.

Didn't your wife feel "punished" when she had to deal the consequences of her affair? Didn't you feel "punished" when she was having an affair? So why would you set yourself up for punishment? That is insane.

This is what my ex would say when I would be concerned about things he was doing...

What is your response? I would like to see your line by line response to this.

If this is your W's attitude, then I don't have much hope for your M.

Here's what Dr Harley said to a poster who wrote to him about her WH's going to co-ed AA meetings despite her objection:

(clipped)


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2418611

I feel that hfm does not believe it is 'taking a risk' with the marriage by taking this job.

And I feel she believes remaining stuck in a job she hates, and giving up a professional opportunity, is undue punishment for an act 4 Yeats ago that she is committed never to repeat.

Honestly, I'm speculating on her feelings, and only she can answer for herself.

My response is that I believe in and would like to follow MB program....that no matter how good we "feel" or "trust" in our marriage....due to the affair, our marriage will always and forever protections in place from that particular OM, and for threats to our marriage in general (possibility of either one of us having an affair).

That's my response.

I suppose that I need to examine what to do when you have a spouse engaged in independent behaviors.

Mel,

To your point...I feel hfm feels that there is or will not be any 'temptation' present by working there.

That the lessons learned from her affair left her without temptation for the OM or temptation for engaging in an affair ever again.

I think we pretty much GET IT that she is oblivious to the risk.

Is that uncaring or simply naivete on her (our) part I wonder.

Probably ignorance or a lack of understanding of how affairs start up.

My H had an affair many years ago. Our marriage did not follow the MB recovery path; we didn't know about MB and we went to an MC who guided us along the usual path of "recovery."

After my H recovered from a deep depression over this and felt better, he said vehemently that he had learned his lesson and that the grass wasn't greener anywhere else. He didn't mention that his A deeply hurt me, and, for some unfathomable reason, neither did I. But he was adamant that he would never do that to me again.

Yet, we still allowed business travel and that's when my H had a second affair. There are certain situations that are very tempting and those are what we all need to steer clear of. Saying that we have learned our lesson only to place ourselves in yet another tempting situation is playing chicken with the marriage.

EPs must make the marriage safe from temptation or there is no real recovery.

And when one does not feel the need for, or does not to establish or follow EPs, it is Independent Behavior.

I need to review SAA etc then, as to how one responds/ acts going forward in light of this and its effects on the marriage.

Why do you keep mentioning the county line?
7 miles from OM home is too close.
That is why Harley recommends people MOVE out of state.
You refuse to do this and keep mentioning county lines.

Your Extraordinary Precautions are not based on how you feel.
You had an affair in your marriage and don't know how to prevent or recover from an affair based on feelings.
That is why Dr. Harley wrote Surviving an Affair.
It is a program of recovery which must be followed, not a piecemeal program where you pick and chose what you like.

I am not enthusiastic about her working in the OMs county at all.

Whether that's 7, 17, or 70 miles away from his house.

I'd rather not have her work in that county; work in ours.

If a wayward spouse refuses to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair then you will not have a loving, fulfilling marriage.
I would file for divorce if she is unwilling to follow the program; life is too short to live in misery.