Hello All,

I am have been lurking for a while, reading Dr. Hartley's stuff, while following DB (which didn't work all that well). To make a long story short, my husband began engaging in an emotional affair earlier this year, which turned into a physical affair at the end of April (although I didn't know it). I suspected it around the beginning of May (I got the "I love you but..." line around that time) and kicked him out in mid May because he had gotten so mean to me.

He continued seeing her, but never got a place to live (crashed on people's couches) and I saw him daily because of our daughter (although I limited contact as much as possible). He wanted to move back around mid-July and I let him (stupidly) while he still had contact with her through work.

I tried "Plan A" (without really knowing it was plan A at the time) and only really survived because I cracked the code on his phone and could see what they were texting (limited flirting and mostly work. I believe that their physical affair ended about 2 weeks before he came home, but of course the affair still went on in both their minds). I pressed him on no contact about three weeks in to coming back and he constantly said he wanted to "try" and see where things went before he cut her off. Predictably that didn't work. He was constantly looking at her FB page. And of course seeing her at work on a regular basis.

We started MC, but the counselor said it wouldn't work after the second session unless he cut it off with her. So I gave him a choice to stay, but he needed to cut it off entirely OR go and I would have no contact with him. So he went and freaked out when I would not have contact with him. Three days into our current separation (yesterday) he cc'ed me on a letter he wrote her cutting things off. It was a good letter and basically said, "I am trying to reconcile with my wife and continued contact with you hurts her. Please don't contact me." He said she has subsequently quit her job (although I am not sure).

We have not broached the subject of him coming back (its been less than a week), but I am not sure what to do. I feel I have codependency issues and I would rather wait a while. Plus, I would rather not go through his withdrawal with him. I feel it would just drain the little love I have left for him to see him pine over her ugly butt.Plus, he doesn't REALLy seem to want to do what it takes (be open to monitoring, telling me where he is, etc). However, I can't really monitor if she is gone with him out of the house.

Any advice?

Hi Piglet, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Has this affair been exposed to everyone? Your children, family, friends, the OW's family and friends? Does the workplace know about the affair?

Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know everything?


How can this be proven? Can you call the workplace and ask for her? Does she live close by?

Hi Melodylane,

The affair has been exposed far and wide. His boss knows and doesn't want to get involved. She isn't married and I haven't told my daughter because she is only 2 and has no idea what it means anyway (I am only 33, ugh). He is having an early midlife crisis (36). We have a lot of mutual friends through his workplace (he runs a fitness program out of a local gym and I know many people there. They keep me updated) do I know what is going on. He is picking up her classes right now, that is all I know. I am not sure she had formally resigned. I asked a couple of employees, but they do not know yet.

She does live close by and they have tons of mutual friends. I have contemplated moving to the save the marriage, but I wanted an affirmative statement from him ending things with her.

He just (like seconds ago) messaged me about getting a legal separation. I was moving toward that earlier in the week when he left and I went no contact. He seems to still want one, so I guess he wants to live out for a while.

Have you spoken to him personally?


I agree a 2 yr old wouldnt understand. But I would tell the OW's entire family. You can do this with a Facebook exposure following the instructions on my exposure thread.


"Mid life crisis" is a form of denial that we typically see in spouses of cheaters. Believe me, the only crisis here is his affair. He is acting the same as cheaters aged 25-75. It has nothing to do with his age, but with his pisspoor behavior.


Affairs are very common in gyms with personal trainers and their clients. I would make it a condition that he get a safer job. If not, you are very likely facing more affairs in the future.


You absolutely should move. Even if he doesn't end his affair, you should move out of that area. It will be a nightmare for you to stay there. And if you do move, he can follow you.


His affair is not over. That is why he wants to live apart for awhile. I am sorry.

PW, your best bet is to go into what we call Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. You would not allow him to contact you in any manner. You would find an intermediary who would pass on any information. It is initiated by a letter telling him what he has to do to come back. You would give him conditions, such as leaving that job, ending contact, agreeing to move and giving you access to all his phones, voicemail, email, etc.

Here is an outline of Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I haven't asked him if he still wants to live apart. He just messaged me about the legal separation. It has literally been one day since he sent the no contact letter. But I guess that's all the answer I need.

Her family knew by the way (she is 25 and lives with her dad) and they didn't care. They knew that he was not divorced and hadn't filed for divorce. These are the type of people we are dealing with.

Ok..well, I guess I will keep no contact for the time being and keep looking for another job elsewhere.

I never really worried about his job before because I was a part of the community there. Obviously that didn't help much in this case.

In general, I feel like giving up. I'm young and can feel like he isn't worth it anymore. Anybody who is capable of this sort of thing seems just so not worth it. He took what was a small fire in our marriage and he threw dynamite in it.

Piglet,

I think you said your WHs boss does not want to get involved, well unless the boss is the sole owner, you can speak with his partners, etc. If the gym is a regional or national chain you can go up the corporate ladder with the exposure.

Also the gym my have a facebook page you can message everyone on it.

God Bless
Gamma

x 2

Don't let him come home. He is nowhere near ready for Recovery and it would only be more of a nightmare for you and your daughter to have him in the house.

Welcome to MB

Pw, did you read my post about plan b? And did you personally speak to her parents? Did you read my post about exposure?

any possibility he will start acting like he wants to really reconcile once he gets through withdrawal?

Anything is a possibility, PW. Not all WSs go through withdrawal either. Until he has taken REAL steps to end his affair, you are better off with him gone. Read up on exposure and Plan B.

"Affairs are very common in gyms with personal trainers and their clients. I would make it a condition that he get a safer job. If not, you are very likely facing more affairs in the future."

This quote just seems to confirm that cheaters are just horrible, boundaryless human beings who will never change. So, what's the point?

No, they are not horrible people at all. But those types of jobs are fraught with affairs. And since you know your husband is susceptible in that environment, he would be wise to change careers.

PW, have you personally exposed to the OW's parents? Have you exposed the affair to her Facebook friends? Have you personally exposed the affair to the workplace? Exposure is the MOST CRITICAL step in saving a marriage so we really need to know exactly what has been done.

Exposed to boss personally and basically he said, "I am sorry that happened. Good luck to you."

She blocked me from facebook early on, so I don't know who all her friends are, but I did expose to as many mutual friends as possible. My husband retreated pretty quickly from the physical affair. As far as I cant tell, it lasted about a month. And I can tell he is ashamed because his clients talked about it/left.

I don't know her family or where she lives.

I personally told his family, my family, his close friends, his clients and as many of her friends (who didn't already know and support it) as possible.

I have also told as many of his clients as possible. 4-5 left, but his boss doesn't seem to care.

That is where you should start. Get on her Facebook page and find her family. If she has you blocked, you can sign out and see her friends. Her parents will be a fantastic exposure target.

Good deal!

PW, this is the approach I would take. Since she lives close by recovery will be impossible unless you move. I would find a new town and start making arrangements to move there. In the meantime, you can send him a Plan B letter [we can help with this] telling him you won't consider reconciliation unless he quits that job, looks for a new career, ends his affair and commits to a program of recovery. <------those conditions are the only hope for your marriage. If he won't do those things, you are better off getting divorced.

What do you think of that plan?

Ok. My husband already told me that they knew and didn't care. I also don't know what their names are. She has a bunch of sisters and they all have different dads, so they have different names (you can see where this woman is coming from, right). She has lost a lot of friends over this and doesn't seem to care.

So what does a WS who actually wants to really reconcile look like?