Hello all! I am a 30 year old mother of one. In February of this year my (now ex) husband went on a trip for work. His line of work requires him to be out of town at times. This trip was different, I didn't hear from him at all hardly. When I did hear from him he was very short with me and acted very strange. I even mentioned while he was gone that if I didn't know him better I would think he was having an affair based on his actions. Well, when he returned I felt an uneasy feeling in my spirit. I resorted to checking our phone records where I then saw pages and pages and pages of text messages and phone calls from a number that I didn't recognize (long distance) same state though. I asked him who the number belonged to and he told me it was a male coworker that was going through a divorce and in the middle of a custody battle and had no one to talk to but him. This didn't sit well with me, I don't know why, but it didn't. I had never been an insecure person and trusted him fully, until this strangeness started taking place. Anywhoo, I ran a backgroud check on the number and it came back to a FEMALE coworker that works in a different division/area several miles south of us. They were on a commity together and apparently met there. He lied and lied about it for about a week until I finally told him I'd had enough and wanted to know the truth. He told me that him and her had been talking but it "Wasn't what I thought" but when I started asking the questions I dreaded to ask I was told that she was sending him nude photos of herself and that they were having innappropriate conversations while he was out of town, via phone and text. I lost it! Completely lost it! Oh God, what about our daughter? She loves us both so much!! I told him I was leaving and going to my moms for a few days, that I needed some time to think and he obviously needed the same. I told him I wanted us to work it out, that our marriage was worth saving, even though I was devestated. A week or so went by, no remorse from him, he continued to talk to her, and meet her for lunch like I didn't even exist. I eventually came out and asked him if he wanted a divorce, that I couldn't just sit around for him to do what he was doing. He said yes, that she made him happy and that he and I could have a better relationship for our daughter as a divorced couple. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we argued, sometimes a lot! He worked and came home to the recliner, that was all of the responsibility he felt he was supposed to have. I was responsible for the house, the money, the cooking, our daughter, my full time job. You name it. Our marriage could have used a little work, but it was NOTHING that deserved being thrown away. I loved him. We had been together since we were 15 and he's all I've ever known. Flash forward about 3 months, the girl left her husband, moved in with my husband before a divorce was even filed (the divorce was final in July) she has two children of her own they moved in as well. I have been told how worthless I was, all MY mistakes in our marriage and how miserable he was and how our marriage drove him into this relationship with this other woman. Even though I practially begged him to work on our marriage first and foremost even though he was the one in the emotional affair. Now to today, I am still miserable. The thought of them still consumes my every, single thought. I started having panic attacks not long after all this unfolded, it haunts my sleep, I dream of them. I don't know how to move past this. He and I do not speak outside of the exchange of our daughter every other weekend. I have primary custody of her. Being a full time parent is SO hard when you feel like your whole life has been ripped away from you! It's been 8 months. I'm better, but not where I want to be AT ALL! I want to stop thinking about it constantly, I want to stop thinking about and being bitter about the time that I now have to spend away from my sweet, beautiful daughter that I never bargained having to spendm and a woman that has baiscally taken my place in the household, especially on the weekends my daughter is there. I just don't understand how they walk away so easily, right into another relationship, another woman and family, while all the while here I am, falling apart, wondering how my life is going to turn out. It's devestated me. Really! Any advice would be helpful and I am sorry if I rambled and this makes no sense at all. My mind is mush! Seriously!

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through

Do I understand correctly that you still see him and talk to him when you exchange your daughter?

Yes, I see him every other weekend. We don't really speak much, but I see him.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this very painful situation.

You would greatly benefit by going into a dark dark Plan B - don't see your XWH or talk with him, don't have anything to do with him. As you have seen, any contact with him is painful for you and is very bad for your emotional and, eventually, your physical health.

Can you find someone who can be your intermediary (IM)? It will need to be someone who will filter out all the unnecessary information from your XH and only pass on to you relevant information regarding child visitation and finances.

Has his affair been fully exposed?

Here's a great thread on Plan B. How to Plan B CORRECTLY

Plan B is for YOU, for your sanity and well-being.

Well, her husband knows, of course and some of his family, but his mom refused to hear anything I had to say. His whole family will believe anything he says. Most of our friends know, but he no longer talks to them. He's got a while new social network that really has no idea what's taken place. I sent her husband a fb message and ended up getting a text from her asking me what I thought I was doing sending him a message. I believe she still has access to his fb information.

Welcome to MB.

Where is your family? What type of support system do you have?

I am sorry for your hurt...every BS has been there. Your ex and OW won't be happy longterm. APs work very, very hard to act like they are soooooo happy and they don't care that some people no longer talk to them but they care. I have yet to see/hear of an affair or an affairage that wasn't a miserable trainwreck.

Have you read our Exposure 101 thread? It is vitally important that you do a complete exposure in line with the advice on that thread.

EVERYBODY should be exposed to in one day, if possible.
~ his whole family (you don't need to argue with these folks - just send out the same email to all of them asking for their support....again, refer to the exposure thread)
~his workplace ********
~ OW's husband should be told in person/phone. Not FB - most waywards will intercept a spouse's email, as you learned
~all friends of the marriage, regardless if he sees them or not
~pastor
~ OW FB family and friends

I think you still have a chance to kill this affair with a complete exposure. And even if you don't, it will still speed the process along.

Have you read through the site? Specifically the part about lovebusters?

You need to avoid AOs and no DJs in any interactions with your WH while you start working on getting your Plan B together.

My family is GREAT! I am currently living with my parents. My whole family, was floored! My parents loved him! He lived with us for a year before we got married and got a place of our own because he was mostly out on his own and his mother has been married 5 times and they didn't have a very good relationship. He and I had moved in September into his late grandmothers house (she raised him)the house was left to his mom. So...I had no home besides my parents when I left. Her husband called my husband when this was first discovered and told him that he would be contacting me to make sure I took everything I could in the divorce, but I never heard from him. Apparently there are things she doesn't want me to know or she wouldn't have entercepted my message to him. Can someone please fill me in on all the AO's, DJ's WH's and anything else I might need to know...

No, I am TOTALLY new here, but I will definitely look it up!

I haven't read that either! Like I said, I was searching google on coping with the pain of divorce and I was lead here. It's been 8 months since I left, would I not look a little crazy to do the exposure thing now? I mean everyone that I know, which was majority of his family/friends knows what happened, but he no longer has contact with them except for his immediate family and I have told them. They told me that he was their family and they were going to stand with him no matter what, that he deserved to be happy. So there's that.

Glad your family is there to help you. There is no quick fix to your grief. As your username says...you are enough...just keep reminding yourself of that. It is your exWH's loss. Him trying to cut you down is his pitiful attempt to elevate his affair out of the gutter...he will ALWAYS be in the gutter with OW.

OW will drive him nuts at some point too. Plus if he still travels, she will worry about him finding a replacement while he is away.

Do you work? Are you keeping busy? Being good to yourself?

Ok well that takes care of the family but there is still:

~Any friends of your M who don't know
~workplace
~OW husband (in person or on phone)
~OW FB friends


I would absolutely still do this if I were in your shoes.

I've done Plan B and it works like you wouldn't believe. Of course you have panic attacks! You are in contact with an abuse that even rape victims say is the worst trauma of their life

Once you remove the abuse of contact an ongoing affair you will get better. Its rough for a few weeks (you have the silence to really think in sanctuary at first) then you soar.

Who cares what people think about your exposures? Don't you think people will be more shocked by the AFFAIR?

Do it just before you go dark and be sure to expose his family too. Let people know you need their support and see that they don't expect you to attend functions with him there too.

I would include something like "Unfortunately my inlaws will not support me or the marriage. They are supporting his mistress."

See it is easy to throw you under a bus with no one watching. Do not allow that.

If the A does end and he wants you back and you try with him; don't allow anyone unsupportive near your recovery.

Lots of parents have mistaken the affair for the new reality and are then left out in the cold when it passes.

If they will support one affair, they will support more.

I myself chose divorce but exposure and Plan B were immensely valuable in creating a new world with only good, supportive people in it. I am tremendously happy today.

I work full time. I keep rather busy with my 5 year old, but every other weekend that she is at her dad's house I am pretty much in misery! She isn't legally allowed to spend the night because he has a "Live in" so until they marry, she won't be able to have overnights at his house. So, for now, she is back in my arms at night, but when/if they marry, I am definitely going to need some help emotionally. She has never slept away from me. EVER!

Exposure will run off evil stepmother.

I bet she's told all her friends her H was abusive and your H was there AFTER she left him.

They will have already started to fight (not to mention boredom, they need conflict with you because it is all they know).

As others have said a travelling job just invites affairs.

Take away the faux respectabilty and they are toast.

That's what I keep hearing, but for some reason my mind keeps telling me that they are going to be together, and that he's so much happier and she does all the things that he thought I didn't do, and that I have just lost a marriage and now I'm lonely and he's living it up because a woman was dropped in his lap along with her two kids. He doesn't have time to be lonley, plus he has someone to hold in his bed every night. UGH! The mind is a horrible thing sometimes. Especially at night when you're dreaming!

Well it is what you are getting told isn't it? Even a woman who knows her husband is abusive finds it hard to resist the repetitive messages. Plus, with you watching, they will go all out to LOOK happy.

My friend's dad and his mistress spent years laying it on thick in front of his real family before it came out that they had been cheating on each other for years.

He broke the news to his daughter with tears in his eyes saying "I know you love Deb, but we are divorcing". She replied: "No Dad, I hated her and the two of you never fooled anyone. She felt up my boyfriend for crying out loud".

Instead of telling yourself stuff, DO it.

Don't try to mentally remove his abuse; actually do it. Don't just tell yourself how disgusting and cruel this affair is - reveal it.

Feelings follow actions. We are not brave BEFORE we do something brave.

A man doesn't view having two kids dropped in his lap as "living it up." Men usually don't derive fulfillment from raising somebody else's children.

That actually came out totally wrong. He's living it up because he went straight from our 10 year marriage to another woman and now has a house filled with kids laughter and playing to keep his mind busy. He isn't lonley. He had a ready made family handed to him. I thought I had him there for a little while for the short time that he was actually "Alone" at night and one weekend that she went to Mardi Gras, but she sucked him in again with her naked photos whatever else she's been bringing to the table to lure my husband away from our family. He was a Sunday School teacher and the president of our church board! Now he's a party animal that acts like a teenager. They even got matching tattoos from what I've been told.