Thank you markos.


No I don't have one, but I will order one. Do you have a recommendation for one?


I am reading them now and will read them all tonight.


No, I don't listen to it every day but I will start.


No I have not started the coaching program but W signed up today and I asked her to share the account, which she said she will. I am willing to do the coaching program and will start ASAP.

I am reading the article on How to Negotiate When you are an Emotional Person and I see the recommendations for GSR meters from Dr Harley. I am ordering the GSR2 Biofeedback Relaxation System with CD by Bio-Medical Instruments, Inc. on Amazon now.

Thanks again for the help markos.

markos, you nailed it, I felt like Dr Harley was writing ME a letter in that article instead of K.D. I need to read that article daily as a reminder until it is completely ingrained.

You're also signed up for anger management, correct?

Yes I have reached out to a local anger management program to schedule an initial consultation and get more information about their 10 week program.

Great job, MtnMan.

Many of the problems in this marriage seem to be impulse control - allowing useless and selfish angry impulses to destroy the relationship.

Once the meter and the anger management techniques are applied towards your marriage, most of your battle will be completed.

Your next step is to show your wife you care about her as the most important person in your life. What she is begging for is to know you take extraordinary care and protection towards her, which is how Dr. Harley defines a successful marriage.

As Dr. Harley says, abuse begets abuse. If you clean up your side your wife will be able to see a way to desire to clean up her side.

MtnMan, over the next few weeks try to use a filter in your communication with her of "will this make my wife feel special" before you say or text her anything.

One approach to training yourself with this new habit is to treat her 100% of the time as good or better as you would treat your boss, a guest or a colleague. Develop a new mindset, a new instinct, on how to react to her.

One of the things angry people (and I have been one) struggle with is control.

They can't bear to lose control so they escalate things when things are not going 'right'.

I find the recent comments that you feel your personal idea of a budget is the 'right' one interesting and I'm glad you about-faced.

You also feel you have the 'right' method when it comes to telling people about the separation.

I'm extremely glad you brought that complaint here though - you are learning!

What I'm trying to get across is that although there was no overt anger in this attitude with your wife - you are being controlling.

In the first example she was put in the position of being told what to do by a man who she knows gets angry.

Being realistic; she's a heartbeat away from divorce. If she divorces, she can spend whatever cash she is legally entitled to without your input. She can say whatever she wants to about you to whoever she wants.

Your only shot is proving to her that you are not seeking to control her; that you will not issues instructions or get mad at her when things are not 'right'.

From now on you want to know about her feelings before she even has them. No budget will be an instruction, it will be a 'how do you feel about' discussion.

But things are so bad and she is so close to hate that you need to start way smaller than that; learn how to agree on a date venue first!

Are you contacting her with text messages about how sad/bad you feel? If so quit it. You need to get more in a 'how do YOU feel' mode with her.

Very true - pay close attention to this.

indiegirl, markos and sunnytimes: thank you again for your advice - all points well taken and understood.

Some other updates:
- I did listen to the MB Radio program today.
- I also filled out the initial questionairres for the MB online accountability program.
- The anger management counselor called today and unfortunately we exchanged voicemails. I'm hoping to connect tomorrow so I can get started on the anger management program.
- GSR meter shipped today and will be here on Friday.
- I found a cheaper 1BR apartment, cancelled the lease on the 2BR and will be moving in to the 1BR this week.

I know there is a hard road ahead, but I hope these are the first steps toward something better for W and I.

These are good steps, MtnMan.

Have you had a chance to listen to Dr. Harley's radio broadcasts in the Anger Management 101 thread? Recently listened to your own times you were on the show?

I personally am impressed to see you cancelling a lease. We have lots of people who dicker around on such things and claim they are stuck because they have a lease. While they fiddle around with such things, they lose their marriages.

I spent my separate from Prisca in a Super 8 motel. If it had gone on longer I would have had to find something else, and I remember worrying about that. But I also realized I had put myself there by my own choices and that I was going to have to deal with it somehow.

These are all really great steps and you are on the right road!

I agree you seem set on sorting this out.

I wanted to provide an update on where things currently stand. First, the only positive news is that I am progressing on your recommendations:
- I received the GSR meter last Friday and I have used it everyday to practice relaxation techniques.
- I listen to MB Radio every day
- I met with the Anger Management counselor on Monday and I start the group class next week.
- I watched all the MB online program videos over the weekend and completed the LB and EN forms.

Unfortunately, it seems like things with W are getting worse before they (hopefully) get better.

Last Thursday, I spoke briefly to the online accountability program counselor and the counselor instructed me to watch the videos within the next few days. The counselor did not suggest that I watch the videos with W. I told W over text that I had spoken to the counselor but I did not tell her my plans for doing anything with the program nor did I ask her about her plans. She was so upset about me not sharing my plans and not asking her about her feelings about the online program, that she had an AO/DJ over text at me and told me she was going to refuse to do the program. I did not get mad, but instead told her that I still wanted to watch the videos because I want to fix the marriage and clean up my side of the street.

After watching the videos alone over the weekend, I went out on a limb earlier this week (on Monday) and asked W if she would be willing to go out for a drink or go out for breakfast/lunch/dinner sometime this week. I really wanted to make an attempt at spending UA together. Well, she said "no" and I felt like the way she said it was very disrespectful. I will admit that her rejection made me so mad that I had several AO/DJs over text. I know it was wrong and unfortunately, now she is cutting off all contact with me.

W says she rejected my offer to go out because I am not doing what she needs to fix the marriage and I'm not showing her that I care about her feelings. The fact that she tells me I am not doing anything to fix this marriage is very frustrating for me because I am doing things to fix the marriage (see above)! When she asked for the separation, she asked me to "keep it to business only" so I was not sharing my feelings/thoughts nor was I asking about her feelings. Instead, I was informing her of my plans like going to anger management counseling. I thought I was showing her respect by "keeping it to business only".

I know that I was wrong with the AO/DJ love busters this week. Trust me, I don't take it lightly and I actually have beaten myself up over it many times this week. I know I need the anger management counseling/classes to stop the AO/DJ and overall anger in my life.

I really need advice about what I should be doing to make sure W knows that I care during our separation. She has requested NO contact (or very little about kids only), so how can I show her that I am making progress and that I care about HER? What would you all recommend I do now to make positive progress about showing care and that I can meet her needs? Is it possible at this point in a separation like this?

Also: Today, W actually cancelled (requested a refund) for it. I finished all the videos over the weekend and completed the forms as requested by the counselor, but now I am very frustrated by W cancelling the program. I plan to contact MB again and see if they will reinstate it - do you think this is a good idea since W cancelled it? I don't want to cause any more problems at this point!!

The angry outbursts need to stop, or your marriage will not survive.

Hi. I am a wife whose husband is separated currently because of his AO/ abuse etc.

First- you can't give yourself one more excuse to AO. You need it to never happen no matter what from now on. If you feel it, just say you have to go and don't send those text!!!!

Think about it, if you ask someone to go out with you and they can't say no to you without being punished (your AO) then it wasn't really a choice or question to start with.

If she cancelled the program, just go with it for now. No pressure to her.

Try to send an email once a week on what things you were thinking of...
Start out the conversation by "how would you feel if I......(fill in the blank)
I know she says only biz... But let her know good things anyway and at least give Her the choice to have a say on your ideas. *which is why we use the Dr H phrase, how would you feel.

For now, your in plan A so it's all about wooing her, not going on about your complaints yet.

She won't be able to see your work for a while, sorry! It just takes time.
It is likened to a stone being thrown in a pool of water. It takes a bit for all the stones to show up on the surface.

Keep up the good work though, radio, books, etc.
You can do MB without her to start with & she can join later.

So: keep up working on you.
Show her you care by no more AO/DJ or DM
Show her care by allowing her to say no to a date, to MB or whatever...
Ask her before you do anything, "how would you feel"
Then if she tells you- pay attention to what she says and don't do it if she isn't enthusiastic. Don't make her fight you on this.
Be there for her to just talk if she needs it. Send one nice text a day telling her something you love or like about her. Don't expect a response at first.
Think of what she likes- flowers/ etc. give without thought of return- even if your not there.
If she has any trouble, be there for her.

That's a good start. I hope that might help.

Wait a minute .... WHO made you mad?
The answer to this question is vital.

Well that sounds like that's best, wouldn't you say? You can't control your temper (even in a text situation!) So you were in danger of driving her even further away with the next one.

Now that won't happen because she has prevented you from hurting her.

The best advice I can give you now is to fully and completely allow her this choice. You need to stop being controlling and cheerfully accept she has every reason to close you out like this.

Work on yourself. Build yourself up until you are a safe person. It's a 'build it and she will come' situation. Not a 'send angry text messages like she owes you something and she will come' situation.

Pardon me if I am not sympathetic to you losing your temper over perceived disrespect. An MBer should be able to maintain composure in all circumstances. Some of us have changed lifelong habits of anger and kept our tempers while our spouses were in flagrant affairs!

You give yourself permission to play tit for tat.

Start working this programme.

Questions:

Is your wife allowed to reject you?

Is your wife allowed to say no?

Is your wife free to express reservations when you claim there are changes?

If your wife seems unconvinced, is this her problem or yours?