Please believe me...I'm not obsessed about it, nor am I a celebrity watcher. I've been doing a lot of reading and talking to people who know other people in my shoes. I'm sad that these affairs work out. I'm sad the women are cast aside like old shoes. I'm furious our society looks at this as the status quo.

Oh, you cant go off of movie stars and celebrities.
Half of them are gay and just using marriage as a cover anyway.
Hollywood has had the WORSE marriages for the past 60 years

Most of those movie stars view marriage as like buying cars. You drive it for a while and then turn it in for a newer one.

Do you belong to a Church?

I'm the product of an affair and subsequent long term marriage. I don't remember a time when my parents weren't miserable.

What made them miserable?
Did you ever hear them openly complain about their affairage?

I had a front row seat to TWO of my fathers affairages. They were violent and characterized by horrible fights and cheating. There were chronic issues of distrust because his OW knew he couldn't be trusted out of their sight. The police came to 2 of the fights while I sat by and watched. I don't remember a time when my dad didn't have some other woman on the side. Cheaters also cheat in affairages.

Wenang, I'm reading your posts and I too am in Plan B and am no longer speaking to my wayward I also did not want to use any ADs. I suffered a very long time with the dark and dreary thoughts and obsessing over how "happy" they were in their affair. I sounded a lot like you. I have been on ADs for almost 4 months now and I have to say I no longer have those thoughts. I no longer feel bitter toward anyone - including the people who supported the affair and while my mind cleared of it's own fog I came back and began reading here again... I have a different mindset and I have to say these folks know what they're talking about. It is all a show for us to believe they made the right choice.. They aren't in some wonderful life. They built their "relationship" on lies, deceit and manipulation. So they essentially have a dishonest relationship to begin with. They don't trust each other. Think about it.. It's not as wonderful as they want you to think it is.

Try the ADs, I did and I fought long and hard not to have to be on "meds" to get through this. I was denial, I needed them to pick myself back up. Give it some thought. I know how you feel.

No, they never spoke of it and it didn't seem to be a concern, nor was it an element in any of their arguments. My father just seemed unhappy most of the time, but it could have been his personality. He had a depressive personality. Maybe life in general made him unhappy or maybe it was just the way life turned out for him. They argued a lot, but we were a tight family...he was always there.

There was no respect between them. They were either joking with each other playfully or they hated each other. Not sure I remember seeing any love.

Thank you so much for your insight. I'm trying to be strong without the meds, but I'll think about going on them. I do believe that perhaps their relationship is not as wonderful as i am imagining. I still don't know how or why you would stop being bitter toward family who doesn't give you and your kids support. it's so selfish on their part, i can't stand it. If i'm angry at them, it's well deserved, isn't it? Well maybe i need meds after all LOL Thanks again

wenang, I agree you would greatly benefit from AD's, however, over time you will feel much better if you just don't associate with those people. Removing these people from your life is very therapeutic.

My XH left me in 1999 for another woman and shortly thereafter my 18yr old son was killed in a car accident. My H brought the OW to my 18 yr son's funeral. We were still married. The sight of this hoe hugging my husband in front of my son's coffin was burned in my mind and caused enormous grief and rage over the years. UNTIL, I completely cut my XH out of my life entirely. Those horrendous memories faded when I removed the triggers.

MelodyLane, thank you for your candor. I find it so unbelievable that these men feel they can walk over us like this. It's a travesty. Your husband should have been shot along with the whore. I hope they get theirs and then some, one of these days. I hate them and I don't even know them.

My ex SIL was in an affairage for a little over five years. Many in the family did not like her H, but everyone was still shocked when she announced the divorce. Nobody had any idea how bad things were behind closed doors.

My dear friend's ex left her for the OW and they have been married for a little over 10 years. Again, according to what everyone said, things seem to be going great for them. Just heard they are divorcing.

My ex is a newlywed with OW4 (1yr). If you were to look on their FB page and according to their friends and family, things are just GREAT!! They are "soulmates"! However my children tell me a MUCH different story - very violent fights constantly. I thought it would improve when my daughter stopped visiting but it has only escalated.

Dr Harley has spoken about this topic frequently! He says there even have been times when couples do not admit to him that their marriage started as an affair.....and he says he is scratching his head because NOTHING is working to improve their marriage. Then they admit that they have an affair-marriage.

There is a thread with some of the radio clips where he discusses this. One of the radio calls even involves a woman calling about her affairage and even AFTER Dr Harley emphasize to her that she will need POJA to improve her M, this is why affairages fail, etc, she agrees and then later argues with him about why she doesn't need to stop her SD. It is pretty remarkable.

SusieO I hope so much you are right on this. I hope Dr Harley is right. I don't think Dr Harley believes in Midlife Crisis. I don't know either, but it's the only thing that explains why my husband of 38 years left a good marriage. Who does that? To not even try and work on the marriage is crazy. To lose your family, your kids, your business partner (we have a company), etc is insane to me. Yes I can understand this if we argue and don't get along and have tried to work on the marriage unsuccessfully. But, this is not my case. Dr Harley will tell me I didn't meet all of his needs. Maybe so, but not everyone can meet every need all of the time. It's not fair at all. Society makes it much too easy to have affairs and divorce with very little consequences for all the damage they caused.

Wenanf, Dr Harley doesn't believe in mid life crisis because it is a myth. It is constructed by betrayed spouses who are in denial. It is much easier for them to imagine the cause is some "syndrome" than to accept that her spouse left for an affair. The behavior you describe is no different from other cheaters aged 20 to 80.

And more importantly, how can your husband be having a "mid life crisis" if he is aged 50+? Are you saying he will live to over 100??

If you will take the time to understand infidelity, you will understand why an affair was so powerful that it influenced your husband to give up everything. But I fear you will never get it because you are so fixated on this "mid life crisis" mythology,

It really doesn't matter anymore what drove him to leave, right? Midlife Crisis or no Midlife crisis...it's the same ending. If I can't blame it on Midlife Crisis, then I have to blame it on him being a selfish horrible person. He is still unreasonable and unremorseful. He feels "entitled" and there is nothing to dissuade him and his actions. My adult kids said he is dead to them! He threw their mother away like garbage and they won't stand for it.

A person, man or woman, doesn't have to be selfish and horrible to get into an affair. They can actually be very nice people but with poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Once in the addiction of an affair, they certainly can and do become "selfish and horrible." I was convinced my then-wayward H had become a sociopath, except that he had never tortured animals!

When I questioned Dr. Harley regarding my H's character (on the private forum) he replied that we can all be trusted under certain conditions and no one can be trusted under conditions. We have to create the conditions that would make an affair nearly impossible.

Of course, we can't always meet each other's ENs all the time. Sickness, depression, etc can sometimes get in the way. There are two parts of a great marriage that is affair-proof: creating a marriage that is romantic and passionate in which the ENs are met and LBs are eliminated. The other part, equally important, is to protect the marriage with lifelong extraordinary precautions, starting with eliminating/avoiding all close personal friendships with the opposite sex. Transparency and accountability are a part of the EPs, too.

You just made my point. You don't understand how or why affairs happen which is why you have latched onto this "mid life crisis." I think it would be very helpful if you got the book Surviving an Affair because it explains how affairs happen. Your husband is probably a great guy but he had poor boundaries around women. That is how most affairs start.

Hi wenang

It isn't fair but also too many BSs don't take legal action when they should. If you have an attorney that still hasn't requested temporary orders then you have a lazy (and stupid) attorney.

Welcome to MB.