MtnMan, where did we tell you to all but ignore her for 10 days?

I have not ignored her for 10 days. We have been in contact every day and I have tried to keep it to business like she requested. I have been far from perfect and as I mentioned committed several AOs over text message, which I regret. I'm not sure why you think I have been ignoring her for 10 days.

I am very concerned by the comments in the other thread with my W. In her defense, she is hurting very badly right now and while I know it is no excuse for DJ or AO, I don't think it justifies anybody being judgmental or disrespectful back to L4Y. Please stop and have some compassion for her. She has been emotionally abused by me and specifically by my anger.

SH taught me one very important lesson: I am responsible for the way she feels about me and I can only control my side of the street. I strongly believe it's true. The same is true for her but I really feel like many people are being too hard on her in the other thread. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it, but it is actually making things harder.

I have wrongly tried to control her for far too long and I know for sure that I can only control myself now by continuing to work on removing my love busters (mostly AO and DJ) and (hopefully very soon) start to meet her needs by showing extraordinary care.

MtnMan, you need to back off and let those of us who have a little more objectivity [and experience] handle the situation. WE are not here to enable bad behavior and will point this out no matter who it is. Let us decide what is or isn't appropriate. Thanks.

MtnMan, we have been at this for far longer than you. We have recovered our marriages. Please do not tell us how to post to your wife. We are not trying to make lovebank deposits into her account. It is our job and our place to tell her the hard truth, something that you cannot do. What we tell her is what she needs to hear and learn if your marriage has any chance of survival, just as we may be hard on you when you need it.

Don't tell us how to do this stuff.

Now, can you please answer the question I asked you?

I blame the feelings of anger on my W. So I guess my first thought is SHE made me mad. However, I know it's a choice to have an AO even if I feel anger, upset, frustrated, sad, etc.

Yes to the first three.

Regarding you last question, it is MY problem if she is not convinced that there are changes. It shows that I haven't done my job to show her the changes.

That is good to hear, and I believe you are on the right track. I think you need to take it further, though, and change your wording and the way you think about it.

The first step in overcoming angry outbursts is to acknowledge that no one can MAKE you mad. They can frustrate you, annoy you, bother you, hurt you. But they cannot make you mad. Change your thinking to
"My wife frustrated me."
"My wife hurts me."
"My wife annoyed me."
Instead of "My wife made me mad."

Can somebody explain how I can execute "Plan A" while separated?

W is telling me that she is disappointed in what I am doing to save this marriage. She thinks I am not "fighting" to save it and claims I am doing next to nothing. When I ask her to explain what she thinks I should be doing, she says that I should be doing "Plan A".

I understand what I need to do to eliminate love busters - AO specifically - and I have a plan for it. I need help with a plan (Plan A?) on the emotional needs side. Can somebody help explain what I can do here? I don't know how I can execute plan A if I'm separated and she refuses to have much contact with me. She is only willing to text message or email. What should I do?

sir, until you can control your anger I suggest you have no contact with her.
While you may make a deposit of 10 Love Bank units meeting an emotional need such as conversation, one Love Buster/ Angry outburst will withdraw 200 Units!

But, you can still send her flowers or a love note. Doesn't have to be overly gushy... just a small thought, like,

"I remember the curl of your hair behind your ear. So pretty.."

You and your wife have had sessions with Steve. What did your wife communicate that she needed? Do it. Make a list of everything you love about your wife. Text and email these things to her. Text and email words of affection. If she lashes out accept that as consequence for refusing to meet her needs for so long.

Get out of your comfort zone. If you wait until you have completed anger management to start meeting your wife's needs for sweet, kind and loving words you will miss your chance to win her back.

What a crock of B.S., MtnMan.

You simply didn't take the initiative to think of your wife or her needs.

There are 100s of ways you could have thoughtfully reached out, even while honoring her request.

Instead you copped out and took the lazy way. You will have to want your marriage more than this if it is too work.

Mtn man - I would want my husband to sweep me off my feet by doing some of the following (or something similar):

- send me flowers with a note saying he loves me
- order me dinner delivery if he knows for example a Monday is a particularly busy day for me
- buy me a gift voucher for a spa because he knows i'm stressed out
- send me little emails saying how he loves me and is thinking of me
- finds a poem or song that reminds us both of a special time we had together in the past
- tells me his feelings of LOVE he has for me (Not that he's hurt or he's having a bad day)

Your wife needs to be wooed.

Sir,

Your absense of caring - which you have acknowledged - in spite of L4Ys begging and pleading over the years, is a form of abuse that you have perfected to an art.

It seems you are using MB as a tool to continue your abuse instead of actually work on your marriage.

These are all great ideas

Why is L4Y having to carry all of the responsibility with your children and the household, MtnMan?

What have you done with or for your children since you moved out?

You are certainly able to make sure the lawn is mowed (or driveway plowed), that the water softener salt is delivered, that the gutters get cleaned out, that the landscaping is weeded, deliver some groceries for L4y, and many, many other household tasks.

You are also able to drive your kids to their activities, make sure they have school and art supplies for projects, etc. etc.

Your presence is needed here! You need to show up if you want to save your marriage.

I need to say something very important. I want everybody on this forum to understand that I am responsible for any disrespect that W has ever shown me. She is not a disrespectful person and never has been.

Early in our relationship, she expressed some complaints very kindly and sweetly. I turned those complaints into anger and disrespect. For all her respectful complaints, I:
1. blamed her for making me mad
2. justified my angry response by making excuses
3. tried to shift the focus away from her complaint and spin it into something it wasn't
4. minimized her complaint and minimized by angry/disrepectful response as ok (not a major violation like it was)
5. waited too long to address it. Sometimes I wouldn't address it at all.

I own this now. W is the abused and I am the abuser.

I know there is a discussion on her thread and I want you all to know that I have been the "cat toying with my mouse" throughout my marriage. I'm responsible for the abuse and for fixing it now.

Just answering your question... here's what I did this weekend: I did both soccer games on Saturday (refereeing and coaching), took the kids to the pumpkin patch on Sunday, took the kids to buy halloween decorations yesterday, cooked dinner last night and put them to bed, took out the trash, and made sure the yard was ready for winter (sprinkler blow out).

I know I have been as present as I was before, but my only choice is to be around when it's acceptable to my W for me to be around. It is hard and we are both tired.

Thank you for the ideas. These are great and I appreciate it.