Every wayward shows these behaviors.

People in an affair exhibit "change of personality, change in his beliefs and values, demonizing the wife, no remorse, no understanding of the damage he caused." Almost each and every one of them.

These are all signs of an AFFAIR. People of ALL AGES have affairs from 20 to 80. Their stage in the life cycle has nothing to do with it..

***EDIT***

Please advise using Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.

wenang, Dr Harley is a licensed clinical psychologist with 40 years experience specializing in affairs. He is in a position to understand the psychology of adulterers and their betrayed spouses.

He calls the use of the term "mid life crisis" - in conjunction with affairs - a form of denial on the part of the betrayed spouse. It is a myth.

When there is an affair, the "crisis" is an affair and conjuring up fake syndromes is a distraction from the problem.

I see your point. Why would a husband of 38 years in a good marriage, leave for another woman? I'm talking about a man who was telling me how much he loved me and how lucky he was...told me this every day! According to Dr Harley, his needs weren't met. How is a wife suppose to meet all their needs? Isn't this just being selfish on the part of the husband? No one is so perfect they can meet all their spouses needs. Everyone can be a better wife or husband. Does that give them the right to have an affair? Didn't they have the obligation to say they were unhappy and to work on preserving the marriage?

I am wondering if the lust and passion of a "new" relationship is just too much lure. How can a wife of 38 years compete with that? It's unfair and a horrible thing. I'm still in shock and still angry he did this to me. I did my best and I was a wonderful wife and mother. Maybe not perfect, maybe didn't meet every need of his...but I did the best I could and then some. Maybe midlife crisis is an excuse. Maybe it's just a way to have this all make some sense, otherwise, I don't know why he left me. I'm so upset. I want my life back. He threw me away like garbage and did't look back.

He left for another woman because he had poor boundaries around women.


According to Dr Harley, unmet needs CAN make an affair more tempting. However, having poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex is what causes affairs. There is no excuse for an affair and Dr Harley says this every day on his radio show.


The wife doesn't compete because the competition is closed once a person gets married. And there is no competition if the marriage has lust and passion. That is what the Marriage Builders program creates.


Can you start up a new thread and tell us your story? Let us help you!!

**edit**

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before posting. If you have questions about the MB program, you can start a thread in Other Topics rather than disrupting this poster's thread.

"Why would a husband of 38 years in a good marriage, leave for another woman?"

There's no simple reason, but needless to say you're not powerless.

"According to Dr Harley, his needs weren't met. How is a wife suppose to meet all their needs?"

You're not. He may have had unmet needs or maybe he didn't and this is new and exciting for him. What type of issues have you two been struggling with?

"Isn't this just being selfish on the part of the husband?"

An A is always selfish.

"Didn't they have the obligation to say they were unhappy and to work on preserving the marriage?"

It's certainly not an "obligation". Maybe he expressed he was unhappy but in different ways. Some men have difficulty expressing difficult subjects. And again, he may not have been unhappy to begin with and just decided on a new life. What have the two of you communicated? What has he actually told you?

"I am wondering if the lust and passion of a "new" relationship is just too much lure. How can a wife of 38 years compete with that?"

You don't have to compete. You've been married to him for a long time. That makes you an expert of him moreso than the new person.

On the contrary, the reasons are often quite simple. As ML said, he had bad boundaries around women.

To say that affairs have no simple reasons ignores the fact that we are all wired for affairs and would all have affairs if we took no precautions to avoid them. Affairs happen because it is in our nature. That is a pretty simple reason.

**EDIT**

In any event, wenang, what did your H tell you about the affair? Keep in mind that most of the time he will blame you as being the reason for leaving. Don't believe it.

Yes he blames me for the affair. He said he didn't realize he was unhappy. He thought he WAS happy until he got involved with this OW. Now he says he realizes I didn't give him enough affection and adulation. I didn't prepare candlelight dinners or where nice dresses, high heels, and do my nails. I believe I always took care of myself. I'm thin, get my hair cut regularly, etc. He never complained before this. It's all bs. The OW dresses up for work, whereas I work from home in my jeans and tee shirt.

Anyway, did he ever complain about you not "dressing up" or being romantic before? I would guess that he's saying that the OW is that way, is that correct? In any event, did the two of you have any ongoing marriage issues? The stuff he stated was superficial and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Partially agree and also disagree.....

Yes, the dressing up IS Superficial and it most likely is Not the truee or even a valid reason for him getting into someone else, but it does provide you with insight on one aspect you can be alert and pay more attention to when or if the time is right.

LTL

No he never complained before except once in a while he'd say "why can't you wear a dress" or "why do you always wear jeans". But, that's the way he married me. I never wore dresses and heels, even when I met him at 17. He started comparing me to the OW in his mind, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. It's not fair really because he never made it an issue during the marriage. If I said he should wear nicer shoes or cut his hair more often, it wasn't something effecting our marriage or love for one another.

There were no other marriage issues except I didn't like his impatience or temper, but I learned to live with it. He had no issues with me. When I discovered the affair, I asked him if he had any issues with me and he said NO...nothing. I asked him again if anything I say or do bothers him and, again, he said "NO, You're Great! It's not you".

After discovering the affair and after he said he liked me in dresses, I did go out (like an idiot) and buy some. When I wore it he said things like "you're just doing it now because you feel you have competition". I couldn't win at that time...it was too late

Dr. Harley read my email on the radio and made comments. Basically, he didn't feel I did anything wrong and felt my husband was a selfish jerk who didn't deserve me or my kids to ever talk to him again.

I debated on posting again on this thread, but I thought, what the hay, maybe someone might get some benefit from it. I've been skimming through the various posts that this thread has produced, and I find it really interesting how people who have had success with this philosophy/program hold to it so rigidly. Don't misunderstand me, Dr. Harley's teaching on relationships are the best in the world in my experience, however I'm under no delusion that he knows everything. Like any other area of learning, we must use our own faculties and wits to take what someone else has learned and fit it into our own lives in the best most intelligent way. Often times, some of what has worked for most, may not work for you. Even more often, we are quick to judge those who may not be a "in-line" with every jot and tiddle of what an expert has taught.

As for me, I demonstrated faith, and patience, and optimism, and affirmation, and validation, and sacrifice, and love to a woman who never appreciated or loved me in return. I gave her my all for 16 years and she looked me in the eyes and was unwilling to meet my emotional needs, which were being articulately communicated for the whole of the 16 years. I met a woman who was like a breeze of fresh air and I left my wife, began a relationship with her, got divorced, and now have begun to rebuild my life and I am everyday blown away at the incredible blessings that being inside a healthy relationship can produce. I had read "His Needs, Her Needs" years before, and this new woman had also, so together we have already implemented all of the relationship principles Dr. Harley taught us, and we are reaping the benefits every single day. :-)

For my ex-wife, to in any way whatsoever, to be seen as a victim would be the injustice of the century. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I, as a Christ-follower have chosen to understand who I am in His eyes, and I sleep very well at night knowing my actions were the best for my heart as well as that of my children. To have miraculously escaped from a horrifically neglectful and abusive relationship, after 16 long years of giving all I had, and now to have such amazing recompense poured over me, is a testament to the faithfulness and nature of our loving Father. And I have no problem whatsoever with thanking God every day that this amazing new woman was sent to me at a time when my security and value was shaken to its core, and I would have likely never been able to have been freed from my abuser without her.

Thank you Jesus for sending the right people into our lives. I have no shame, no regret, and my life is now full of real, lasting joy.

Oh, whatever, OB!

I think if you were so much at peace with what you've done, and so secure in your decision, you wouldn't keep coming here trying to convince someone to "get some benefit" from your views.

You're coming to the wrong place to argue that Dr Harley "doesn't know everything" about "relationships".

We're Harley-ites. We're loud. We're proud. Get used to it.

The title of your thread is Affair/Divorced/Moving on.

You should have divorced and moved on without having an affair.

We will NEVER condone your affair on this board.

Nobody holds to it rigidly at first. You cut at least one corner - the corner that's really tough to give up. It's only when that same weakness smacks you upside the head you give it up and see Dr H was more objective than your weakness was.

So, opposite sex friends were a mistake for your wife but OK for you? Interesting.

Your new wife is OK with married guys. Fab.

Most revealing of all is nobody asked. Nobody prompted this 'thinketh thou protest too much' venting.

I think you have more of the same coming your way.

Sir,
Dont try to use God to justify your actions.
It is one thing to fool another person. But you will not make a fool of God.