Without getting into to much gritty detail, my wife has been having an affair for the better part of a year. The guy she has been seeing was a friend of mine in my military unit. Initially the affair started while we were having a get together, I walked in on them later in the night. Long story short, it's been down hill from there, I have used a lot of the techniques in the books here to cope, and read most of the literature provided. My wife and I have a blended family of five children together and last year she adopted my two children from our first marriage. We found out this month after she ended the affair with the guy that she was pregnant. I cannot have anymore children because after our last I had a vasectomy and everyone in our family and our friends knows that I did.

I love my wife very much and have tried to make it work time and time again this last year. However with this child, and how I feel towards the guy who was my friend, I find myself questioning if I could raise this baby as my own. He wants to be part of its life, and even if my wife truely commits to me now when she finally sees my love for her, what about when we have a fight in the future, or whatever else? This guy is promicing her the moon and stars to be with her, but our children would be split up in this divorce, she would be moving 6 hours away, and I do not know how this would all play out. I'm scared of losing my children, I have accepted that I have probably lost my wife for good even if she seems to be genuine now about making our marriage work. I just do not know what to do. Part of me thinks that I have given her enough of my heart and been broken to many times this last year for it to ever work again, and part of me thinks that keeping our family together is worth any price I would have to pay to keep them together, safe, and happy.

Would it be wrong of me to divorce and break up the family over this, or would it make me "less" to take this baby that everyone would know is not mine and raise it as my own, deal with custody issues for the next however many years with the father of the baby? I know there is no simple answer to this, either way it goes the road is going to be a hard one.

Hi brokensailor, welcome to Marriage Builders. There really is a simple answer to this. The answer is that your wife should commit to never see or speak to the OM again. You should be listed as the father on the birth certificate and ideally, he should have nothing to do with the child. That is the very best answer to your situation. Under those conditions, your marriage has a CHANCE if you will follow the steps in this program.

If this dirtbag DOES take you to court to get access to the child, he should have no access EVER to you or your wife. All communication should be facilitated through a 3rd party. Dr Harley addresses this situation here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445081#Post2445081

The first question you have to ask yourself is if you WANT this marriage and want to raise this child as your own. No one can make that decision except you. We can support you either way.

Has the affair been exposed, including to the other man's command?
You cannot save your marriage as long as she is not willing to give up contact with the other guy. Only then, you can think of reconciliation and potentially raising a child that resulted from the affair.

It is a very long and difficult road to reconcile when a child reminds you of the affair, but it is virtually impossible with the other man still in the picture. Do you have any other joint children apart from the ones she has adopted, how old are you and her children and how long have you been together?

Welcome to MB.

Do you have any children together, apart from the adopted ones? How long have you been married?

The only way this would work first, if you wanted to bring up her other child (OC) as your own, and second, if you could keep OM from having any contact with your wife and the child - with your wife forever, and the child until it is 18 and could make its own choices. This means refusing any request for visitation unless it is court-ordered and accompanied by a court-ordered DNA test, and not taking any money from OM for child support. The law sees this child as a child of the marriage unless a judge allows OM to challenge that status.

If he does challenge that status and ends up proving that the child is his, and paying child support and gaining visitation rights, your marriage would only survive if your wife had no contact with him at all. Somebody else would have to facilitate visits with the child, for many years to come, and OM could never be present at parents' evenings or birthday parties at the same time as you. Do you think you could manage that?

If not, and if your wife wants OM to be in the child's life, and if you have no children together, it would be best to let her go, to be with him or whatever she wants. You will probably not be allowed to divorce while she is pregnant, though.

I am 32 years old, my wife is 31. We have one daughter with special needs together (physical only) and I have been raising her two kids from her first marriage since they were 4, they are now 13. Our children's ages are 13, 13, 12, 10, and 7 (the 7 year old is our mutual child, though technically my 12 and 10 year old are mutual now as well since she adopted them through the courts last year.

I think that I could raise this child as my own as long as the OM had no contact with my family at all. However I do not think that she would allow that to be the case. He wants to be a part of the kids life, and as I said wants my wife to be with him. I would assume that he would probably force the issue and sue for his parental rights.

The other side of the coin is that the guy has been discharged from the military (not that there was any recourse about this from there as we are reservist) and at 27 has yet to move out of his parents house. He just got a good job offer 6 hours from us and while that's why my wife initially ended the affair with him, I think she sees her only other course of action to move off to be with him. I could handle that if not for the fact she would be taking my children into a "new family unit" with a man I despise and wouldn't want around my children.

In June we will have been married for 8 years. Together for 9

This would be the deal breaker, because your marriage will not make it unless she cuts off contact completely with the OM. It is not in your children's best interest for contact to continue because it will destroy your marriage. The most important thing in your children's lives is YOUR MARRIAGE. The best thing for your kids and the OC is for you and your wife to have an intact marriage. That can't happen with this creep hanging around.

If I were you, I would do everything to convince her of this plan to cut him out. Her relationship with the OM would be a disaster if she went to live with him. There are many reasons. First off, only 98% of affairs last beyond 2 years because the traits that make them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness and selfishness, eventually destroy the relationship. The OM has no respect for marriages and will not raise all those kids. I predict he would dump your wife before he ever took her in. But he would hang around and continue his affair as long as she lived with you.

I assure you he is not going to raise those kids.

You may not have any say with her 13 yr olds but why would you let WW take your children?

Welcome to MB

It's not that I would let her take the kids, it's that she would just do it and thee would not be much I could do about it without dragging the kids through a bitter bitter divorce. So far I have protected them from even knowing what is going on between their mother and I. And I do not want them to be scared from a fight between their mother and I. If she chooses to move 6 hours away to be with this guy then obviously the kids would either have to live with either her or myself full time because of the school issue. I can not argue in court that she is an unfit mother because she's a wonderful mother, no drug issues, no mental issues, no real justification other than I do not like the guy. California is a no fault state, and they do not care where the kids go as long as they have a good life and are taken care of.

You need to expose the affair to your children? Why in the world haven't you done that?

Any yes you may have to get the courts involved if she took off with your kids. You need to wake up and be pro-active. CA may be a no-fault state but they do promote joint custody and care. If you let your WW screw you over, she will.

Have you spoken to an attorney?

Have you exposed the affair at all?

I have not exposed the affair to the kids, nor the pregnancy as of yet. I have had multiple conversations with the OM not all of them civil but most. It's been really hard on me. Our mutual friends know if the affair but not the pregnancy as of yet. I've kept everything at home very civil and drama free for the most part.

And my chain of command is very aware of the affair as well.

I have spoken with an attorney early on in the affair but not since. I have been waiting for my wife to make a solid choice, however as the time drags on I fear it will be I who has to ultimately decide on how to end this marriage.

You need to expose. I understand you are scared but you will not make it if you don't expose to family and friends. Your WW should feel the consequences not be shielded from them. Don't sign up for Plan C (Confusion) or Plan Doormat...those NEVER go well especially for the children.

And stop having civil conversations with POSOM. That is the wrong message to send the ahole and your WW. He should FEAR you and leave your family alone. Put some boots on!!

BS, I would start by telling any children over age 4 about her affair. They need to know she is thinking about destroying their family over a big fat nothing. That will give her second thoughts. [DON'T TELL THEM YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER OF THE CHILD]

I would then let her know that your marriage has no future unless she agrees to end all contact with the OM and let you raise the child as your own. [if you are willing to do this] You need to let her know what her options are and stop leaving this to the decisions of a selfish wayward wife.


That is a delusion... She is having an affair and destroying their family over her selfish interests. Waywrds are terrible parents because they only care about themselves.

Everyone should know about the affair, including the OM's parents, friends and family. I cannot even fathom why you would be "civil" with a terrorist who is trying to destroy your marriage and your children's family. This is not the Mr Rogers show, but a real life ASSAULT on you and your children.

x 100

I completely agree with Melody. You need to take everything she is saying serious.

Expose this affair to everyone.

I understand that thinking, I really do. As for being civil, I figured what good would it do beat him, scare him etc...my wife made the decisions that lead to this situation, I decided long ago to try to keep to the high road because it was safe. I have my military clearance to think about, work in a career where any run in with the police would jeopardize my career, which would ultimately end up hurting the family financially. On the other side of things my wife is not my possession to be fought over like a toy, if she wants to leave then I say let her. But leave the kids out of it.

Most of her friends have ostracized her over the affair. She blames me for talking about it and having people judge her over it already. And I've stuck to that high road with OM because I'm afraid that if I let the anger out I wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing something very stupid.