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Regardless of whether or not it is relevant for the program, trying to figure out how I hurt her unknowingly is kinda important for whether or not I can live with myself for the rest of my life.
DW have talked about LB and are in complete agreement that LB are not a major issue with us. Sure they exist, but a minor annoyance every third day hardly justifies a whole book. I told her I was quitting the gym and she immediately came back with a response that it wasn't necessary. I have pushed back, but she hasn't had a chance to reply yet. We don't agree they are not a major issue. Keep in mind, your best thinking has got you to this terrible place. You are hardly in a position to understand how to fix your marriage. Endless blogging will not save your marriage. Following this program WILL.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LB is a huge problem for you two.
The thing is, I don't think you two can clearly see what the issues are. You both have pre-concieved ideas of what the problem is but your bad habits are so entrenched that it is like you can't see it for what it is.
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DW have talked about LB and are in complete agreement that LB are not a major issue with us. So say the 2 people who led their marriage into the ditch. You are the LEAST objective people on this thread. Do you want to get out of the ditch?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It honestly shocks and amazes me that you can proclaim to NOT have an issue with lovebusters when you haven't even read the book.
Really??
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The thing is, I don't think you two can clearly see what the issues are. You both have pre-concieved ideas of what the problem is but your bad habits are so entrenched that it is like you can't see it for what it is. This sounds plausible.
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DW have talked about LB and are in complete agreement that LB are not a major issue with us. So say the 2 people who led their marriage into the ditch. You are the LEAST objective people on this thread. EXACTLY
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The thing is, I don't think you two can clearly see what the issues are. You both have pre-concieved ideas of what the problem is but your bad habits are so entrenched that it is like you can't see it for what it is. This sounds plausible. From what I can read in both your threads, is that you both say you want change, but resist any action outside the bad habits you have that led to this mess. So, when you tell Mrs Smile, in a firm and non-resentful way "I will leave the gym", and she, in her old habit tries to sacrifice by saying it isn't necessary - you stick to quitting.
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I told her I was quitting the gym and she immediately came back with a response that it wasn't necessary. I have pushed back, but she hasn't had a chance to reply yet. Don't reply. JUST STOP GOING.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm not sure either of you even understand what an LB is. You both do it constantly.
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I am going to tell you what they told me in AA when I went to my first meeting 30 years ago: TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
My best thinking ruined my life. On the same note, your best thinking has wrecked your marriage with destructive habits. I don't entirely blame you because when you were on the forum 10 years ago, no one knew about Marriage Builders. [they just knew how to flap their gums] NOW we do.
We can help you if you will put aside you own - failed - ideas and allow us to guide you through this program. You will not get success if you just come here and blog. We don't care about your feelings, we care about your ACTIONS. Actions are what will resolve your problem, not focusing on your feelings.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Posted to you 13 pages ago on your first day here, almost one month ago: Have you and your wife gone through the Lovebusters book and done ALL the lessons? It went ignored. All the while, we have pointed out your DJs, AOs and IB as the thread progress and your M continues to struggle. Yet you still continue to reject the advice. Sigh.
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I would like to remind the OP that the purpose of this forum is to help people learn and implement Marriage Builders concepts. I don't see this thread being used for that purpose. This is not a place to vent but a place to learn the program. If there is not a specific question that is being asked, we will lock this thread.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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I would like to remind the OP that the purpose of this forum is to help people learn and implement Marriage Builders concepts. I don't see this thread being used for that purpose. This is not a place to vent but a place to learn the program. If there is not a specific question that is being asked, we will lock this thread. Point taken.
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That is so far from what has been posted that you are either delusional and/or are looking for a quick fix to 15+ years of crud. Even prior to marriage you weren't her hero but she still married you. Not really. In our second or third therapy session last Spring she proudly announced that it was the first time she had ever allowed herself to get angry with me. Obviously, this is a big part of the problem we are facing. I didn't know where the lines were, and she let me get waaay past them before she was willing to admit there is a problem. Hmmm, that analysis casts the gym discussion in a new light... [edit] That is what she said, but she must have been referring to post-marriage, because there were those incidents in our first year. To expand on this further. We almost never fight. We've had probably 3 this year (when we are totally on the rocks) and maybe 1-3 in the previous 9 years. She is projecting a lot of anger retroactively that she wasn't willing to admit to me or even herself. Indiegirl had an excellent point yesterday that we need to open the lines of communication waaay up so that we don't get sucked into this hole again. We work together pretty well and I listen to her well too. I'd like to think this could have been avoided had we just communicated better. Unfortunately, sex became such a sore topic that neither of us wanted to get near it. She didn't have to be angry at you. She was still disappointed and unhappy for much longer than 8 months. If W was angry but didn't admit it until now, she was still angry back then. I don't want to talk in circles but the dynamics and events described do not lead me to believe you were her hero until just recently. That would be a dishonest assessment unless her feelings and explanations are dishonest. Your wife says you have never been her hero. You have said that aside from the last 8 mos that you have been her hero. That is a HUGE discrepancy. MB requires radical honesty. If you can not be radically honest with yourself then I see very little hope for your marriage.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Regardless of whether or not it is relevant for the program, trying to figure out how I hurt her unknowingly is kinda important for whether or not I can live with myself for the rest of my life. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. This is psychobabble. You have no choice but to live with your past. TODAY, you can decide to stop lovebusting your wife with thoughtless behavior or you can waste your time trying to live with yourself while you live with yourself. DW have talked about LB and are in complete agreement that LB are not a major issue with us. Sure they exist, but a minor annoyance every third day hardly justifies a whole book.  Again...radical honesty would serve you well here.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
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Two Blind Mice.
See How They Blog.
Seriously, less talk and change with Actions, everything that is being pointed out to you here.
Now!!!
Time is running out.
LTL
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SmileAbout5XaWeek, since there is not a question being asked of posters, we are going to lock this thread. If you change your mind and decide to use the Marriage Builders program, please let us know and we will unlock it so you can get help and guidance in the steps. Thank you.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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