The advice on this site is very worth following and basically the only thing that will work if you want to save your marriage and/or yourself. Recovering from serial cheating is VERY difficult because it has become a lifestyle as sugarcane mentioned. Please follow the advice of the veterans on this thread, go into Plan B, and take care of yourself prior to your baby's birth. If you can, go to someplace you will either be far away or protected completely from your WH. You need safety, comfort and support during this time and need to be around people who will offer it.

Is Plan B something I should still follow if I decide not to reconcile? At this point I'm leaning towards divorce as much as it kills me to even consider.

Plan B is your only shot at reconciliation, actually. Right now he is getting to have you AND his other woman. He has two people to meet his needs. You should not be meeting his needs if he does not end his affair. He will do one of two things in Plan B: a) figure out that he cannot have you if he acts this way and take extraordinary precautions to save his marriage OR b) continue what he is doing and lose you. Either way, you are better off. You cannot live in these conditions.

Yes. We have many BS whom are divorced and stay in Plan B.

Did you read the IM training link and parallel parenting link in here also?

Are you exposing to her workplace?

Yes, I did.


Yes. I am currently in the process of trying to find that information. The moment I threatened exposure to her (last week, when I caught them at the hotel), she deactivated her Facebook profile which had her work information on it.

I really am struggling with the notion that I brought this all onto myself by cheating, initially, 8 years ago. Though I have never given him another reason to doubt me (we were separated an entire year), I worry that this truly is my doing. Did I so truly destroy him that he then felt no obligation to remain faithful to me? But if so, why would he have begged for my return the entire year we were apart? And why would he not have expressed his concerns to me even once? I really feel like, if he had, all of this could have been prevented.

I guess the biggest reason for my concern over this is feeling like it's partially my fault. That I brought it onto myself.

You didn't. This was his choice. He is blaming you to justify his own actions. Cheating is never the fault of the betrayed spouse. If he was so damaged by it, he should have left you when it happened. He didn't. He does have an obligation to be faithful to you and don't believe is ridiculous rationalizations.

Having an affair is never good, but you don't deserve a series of revenge affairs.

Believe me. Many of us are deeply wounded by our spouses affairs. I am and I am probably going to divorce my husband, but I would never have a revenge affair and blame it on him. Getting romantically involved with anyone is a choice.

We dealt with this argument several posts up.He is using your affair from 8 years ago simply to rationalise his own behaviour today. the one affair is not the cause of all the otehrs.

bdb, you need to stop ruminating over what he has said and how that is making you feel, and concentrate on action. This forum focuses on action and on getting things done.

Where are you in your plans for exposure and for Plan B?

Don't listen to his excuses for having affairs.
As you have never snooped on him structurally, he may have even had affairs before that that you haven't caught. Follow the advice here to save your sanity and possibly your marriage.

As to the birth of your child, he has no right whatsoever to intrude in that situation. The US courts have recently ruled, that a father cannot insist on being present at the birth of the child if the mother does not want him there.
Besides, an older study from England found that birth was up to 50% shorter without the father (or any other man) present. For all it's worth, let it benefit you.

Their affair has been exposed to everyone minus her workplace. I am still trying to find that information. I know she works in the Dallas area, but am unable to pin point the exact office. She deactivated her Facebook the moment after I confronted them both at the hotel (as she was leaving) because I tipped her off, in a fit of anger, that I was going to expose her to her bosses.

Other than her work place, EVERYONE knows. All three sets of parents (mine, his, hers), all three sides of the family, all friends, WH's boss, etc.

As for Plan B? I'm in the works of that right now. I was hesitant at first because I was not sure I was ready to take that step, but after finding out last night that there was another PA (one that was originally "just" an EA), my heart hardened to the idea of reconciliation. At this point I am not using Plan B as a last resort method at reconciliation. I am doing it because it is what it best for my well being.

I'm trying to decide on an IM. Is a family member of his a no-no even if said member is on my "side". It's his sister, who think he is the biggest pig on the planet now. She's also currently going through the same thing with her WH, so we have been a source of comfort to each other lately. I have no fears that she will turn on me, but other than that, my two closest girl friends both had babies within the past month and I do not feel right requesting their help in this when they should be bonding with their newborns. All of my family live out of the area.

Regarding exposure- if it doesn't have the negative effect you were hoping for, then what?

Everyone who knows is livid with the both of them, but it hasn't changed anything regarding their A. If anything, he is no longer secretive about it, and it has made it all the easier on them.

WH has lost friends. OW has lost friends (according to her brother). WH's boss is ashamed of him but that's the end of it at work. His family continuously tell him he's in the wrong and needs to work on the marriage; to which he just replies that he is doing me a favor by leaving and staying gone. OW's parents are disappointed in her, angry at him, but are actively choosing to not get involved.

In his mind he was the bigger person by leaving me since he knew he was incapable (or, rather, had no intention) of being faithful. He believes this will work out, in the long run, with the OW, and feels that working on our marriage is, in his words, "just beating a dead horse".

I accept that we are over, and am willing to make strides in quickening that process.. but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed in the fact that Exposure wasn't the huge tsunami that I had read it to be.

This sounds like a fantastically successful exposure to me - it's simply that the affair is quite embedded.

So they will have stopped cake eating and will try to make it work full time with the world waiting for them to fail.

Affairs only work part time with a healthy dose of fantasy and a common enemy - the BS. Full time, with none of these ingredients, with everyone hating them - the affair comes under massive strain.

You just need to get yourself safe into Plan B knowing they are living on borrowed time.

No matter what, Plan B will heal you.

How kind of him!

Don't waste time on examining the mind of a drunk. My theory is Plan B will actually get you over this before the affair implodes and you won't want this serial cheater back by the time he's ready if he ever is.

I veto the sister idea. You need someone calm, impartial and with no drama.

Thank you, indiegirl, for your insight.

I'm going to speak to my best friend this afternoon to see if she will be up for helping me. Otherwise I'll simply let the kids out of the front door when he comes by to pick them up without so much as letting him get a glimpse of me.

As for healing, my son has his first counseling session this afternoon to help him deal with the excess emotions he's been experiencing since his dad left.

Question regarding exposure to an 8 year old- he knows that his dad left me for another woman. I told him that his dad no longer wanted to be with me, but with this woman instead. He does not know about sex yet, so I hesitate to take the explanation any further. Is this acceptable for now?

My other child is newly 5 and all she knows is that her dad no longer lives here.

As for me- I had my 35 week prenatal appointment and spilled the beans to my OB. He's an amazing man who had some choice words for my WH along with a ton of advice and support. Due to my unstable emotions, and my delivery being weeks away, he feels I need to be put on an anti-depressant. He prescribed Zoloft and I've already dropped off the script. He said that who belongs in the delivery room is up to him, and if WH gives me any trouble about being in there (against my wishes), that he has no problem kicking him out for me. I was also given a list of three psychologists that he highly recommends, that have a lot of experience dealing with post pardum depression (as a precaution for me post-delivery). I was also given a repeat STD panel and should have the results by my next appointment (next week).

So, progress is being made and it feels good.

It's up to you but I started talking to my children early about their bodies and relationships. They didn't understand all the technical aspects of sex but they understood there was physical contact involved. They understood that OW was taking off her clothes to get naked with their dad...and kissing him...that alone grossed them out and they thought she was a pig. My kids were 6 and 8 at the time.

84,
Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for the events in your life that brought you here. I'm glad you have come around to the notion of plan B. I suggest picking up Dr Harleys book Surviving An Affair.

It's true the best thing you can do right now is to protect your welfare and the well-being and welfare of your children. The affair fog your husband is spouting and all the gaslighting that goes along with it is cruel and toxic and the exact opposite of whAt you need. Plan B can also be a best practice for stopping your love bank from taking any more hits. You don't need anymore drama. Wayward are stealth in using shame and guilt to rationalize their poor boundaries around OS and projecting blame. My husband tried to convince me and others my life threatening illness made him do it!

Also about this whores workplace where abouts....why don't you ask your sister-in-law or the OW parent where she works?

I don't think there's anything intrinsically more dramatic about a physical affair than an emotional affair anyway. The important thing is that the child knows the person is coming between their family and is an enemy.

I'd let the child's questions guide you as to the rest. They should be encouraged to talk to you and express their thoughts.

If they already know something of sex, they will probably ask about it. I'm not sure that this particular example should be their first introduction to sex if not.