I'm still going to be on the Harley's radio show today so I'm going to run all of this by them and see what they think I should do. I'm still very lost about whether or not I should tell H first that I know and then see how he reacts before I expose. I will NOT tell him I have any plans to expose, but I'm not sure I should go nuclear with this before I tell him he's be outed?

Also, there is basically no way for me to tell him I know without it coming out I looked at his e-mail/Facebook/phone etc. How should I prepare for that fall out?

Good job Birdy. Where is this woman located? Do you know how they met?

Yes, they are in lalaland.

Have you gotten her FB friends list copied?
Have you read all about Plan A?

Do not tip your hand and tell your husband that he has been caught. This has been going on since before May, and I suspect that it is already entrenched. Affairs are very addictive, and you're fighting a big monster here. You want to use every avenue available to shock them out of fantasyland and kill this affair DEAD.

It won't matter what he thinks about your looking at his email, Facebook, phone, because after exposure and IF you commit to recovering your marriage with him, then he will have to give you all of his passwords and commit to total transparency.

She lives about an hour and half from us. They met through work. They are not coworkers but they work in the same profession and have probably met sporadically at events.

I am going to check with the Harley's to see if they recommend we going after all her FB friends yet. I have a list of her mutual friends. I cannot see her entire list of friends because she has that blocked.

I have read about Plan A as much as I can but I worry I don't have the pieces all lined up enough yet. Is this a timeline that seems to follow what Plan A is about?

1. Expose affair to my parents (already done), his parents and siblings, and any others the Harley's recommend to me today.
2. Tell H that the EA must stop, NC with the OW ever again, and that I am willing to meet the emotional needs he has been getting from her over the last several months. I am willing to follow all the steps necessary to make our marriage the passionate, fulfilled one he needs.
3. I should follow Plan A for three weeks. At that time if H has not started turning his ship I have to go Plan B.

Copy all the friends you can. Did you make a dummy FB account to try to see her friends?

Also go looking for her parents and siblings. Do you have her address?

Yes, you need to get her total friends list. Also, you can click on her mutual friends FB pages, and you may get lucky and find photos of her that people have "liked". Copy down the names of anyone who has liked her posts.

Here is an article by Dr. H describing what to do after an affair: Click Here

You may not choose to go after all of her FB friends, but you want to have that option. Plus, you may be able to more easily find her relatives through her FB friends list.

I have copied all the friends I can. However, I have to be aware of the fact that most of her friends and his friends come from their profession and exposing to them means essentially exposing to my H's boss, which WILL happen if I expose to these people. I know Dr. Harley says that exposing to an employer is an exception to the "expose to everyone rule" at first and I need to tread carefully there. I'm going to ask Dr. Harley what he thinks.

I have managed to find her family though and have copied them down.

I do not have her address. That is not on FB.

That would not be a strategic move to tell him first and expose based on his reaction. I will tell you his reaction right now: he will deny everything and dismiss it as a friendship. He will then get ahold of her and tell her to spin it as a "friendship."

All you will be doing is pre-empting them so they have time to get their story straight.

You don't expose based on the "story" you get from the wayward, but on the basis of the FACTS about the affair.


What fall out? You tell him you have been looking at everything but won't tell him your resources. You have a RIGHT to know everything he does.

I guess you don't need our help then. Do you understand that we KNOW what Dr. Harley advises? It sounds to me like you are shopping for advice you like.

Do you want his quotes?

From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

I'm not shopping for advice and I'm sorry if I'm coming across that way. I've taken pictures/copied as many of her friends as I can. I have copied her family members. However, I don't think I'm crazy to say that Dr. Harley suggests treading with caution on the employer front? Maybe I'm just reading what he says wrong.

In any event, you can expose to the OW's non work family and friends through Facebook.

You need to expose to everyone. If people at work feel it is inappropriate, they have the right to go to HR.

They probably already know. Affairs start with coffee breaks then lunches then time outside the office. The office people have likely seen them together.

First off, we didn't tell you to expose to the employer. And secondly, we know what Dr. Harley's advice is about exposure to an employer. Do you?

Our advice to you was to expose to the OW's family and friends via Facebook. We didn't tell you to expose to his employer or coworkers.

There seems to be a good contingent of non work friends that she has that I can contact and she has all of her family listed on Facebook and I have copied them all down. I have copied their mutual friends down. She has a bazillion Facebook friends so I copied as many as I could.

I am taking all of what you are saying incredibly seriously. I know you are way more experienced in this than me, which is why I decided to just bite the bullet and get to the bottom of this once and for all. If I am acting like a know it all or an advice shopper in any way, please know that it is not my intention. I just want to do this right. H's job is very important to him AND me financially for that matter. If we are going to make it to the other side of this, I have to think long and hard about what it would mean to destroy his job and his chances of ever getting a job again in this profession.

I want to make clear they do not work in the same office they work in the same profession. I'm sorry if I have confused anybody in this regard.

Would their paths EVER cross in any capacity?

I could not rule that out at this very moment, no.

Unless there is absolute no contact for life, then your marriage will never recover. Every contact, even seeing her car or running into her at a trade show will trigger his feelings. Every contact puts him back to Day 1 of withdrawal and will drive you insane with fear and worry.

Your greatest risk is not him losing his job, but getting divorced. If you want to protect the job at the expense of the marriage, then you need to ask yourself what you would get in a divorce settlement because that is where you are headed.

His job is not the most important thing. I promise you this: anything that comes before your marriage will come between you. And that statement holds very true about his job.

Make your choice, the job or your marriage.

Thank you. It's tough to hear, but mainly because I feel sad for H. I don't want him to lose his job, but he chose this. In the grand scheme of things I don't care if he has the job if we can have a marriage.

There is a lot of turnover in the job she works in though. Four people have had it before her, of that I am certain. If she leaves that job, I guess there is some chance someday they might see each other based on the fact we live in the same state. I don't know.