Wonderful!

What did you tell him?

Let us know when he responds.

I tried to best explain the entire evolution of my angry outbursts and abuse.
I tried to be as factual as possible. It started with angry outbursts, name-calling, and ridicule. Eventually it led to jealousy and control. Then to physical restraint, trying to stop her from leaving. Then it went to isolation.
I truly want to change. Now I am taking the steps.

I will be a caller on the show today.

Fantastic. Let us know what he says.

I listened to it. Dr. Harley sounded like he had high hopes for you. What do you think of what he said? What stood out the most?

I do like that I now have a new analogy for not keeping up with doing the program ...
Put down the cookie, NovemberHotel

Great job getting after it and doing this, NovemberHotel. Now - follow the advice!

Listening to the show right now...

Dr. Harley told me to do exactly what all of you have told me. The difference between now and before, is that I am ready to do this. Before I constantly justified my actions and blamed others. Now I realize that I am the reason for my angry outbursts.
I am taking this day by day. Thank you all for your help.
I intend on keeping all of you updated on my progress.

I know it has only been a few days, but I feel immensely better. I feel more relaxed, and happier. Not feeling constant anger is really having an impact on my wellbeing.

I have also been meditating for 5 minutes in the morning. Just focusing on breathing and relaxing my muscles. In addition to the GSR work.

This is good, November.

I also noticed Dr. Harley told you to send him an email once a week - do this! That, as well as talking to us, will help you stick to it.

If you start to feel worried about lack of progress, post here rather than venting any frustrations to your wife.

I let my wife know that I was on the show. She texted me to tell me that she was upset that I went on a program to share our personal lives, and that it was permanently out there for people to hear. I apologized, and just explained I was trying to get help.

Later, after she listened to it. She asked me several times for the letter that I sent. I reluctantly sent it today. She feels that I downplayed the physical aspect of the abuse. I didn't intend to do this. I want to be clear, that I physically restrained her, and at times had even hit her. She also reminded me that I had threatened to kill her if she left, several times. I honestly didn't think of this when writing the letter. Reading her texts about this really made me consider what Dr. Harley says in the books about being "insane" when you are angry. I cannot believe the things that I have said and done in the past while angry.

She spoke with me at length today on the phone. She told me that she feels she has PTSD from our relationship. She said that she would get a bad feeling and tense up when she knew I was on my way home from work.
However, she has been texting me things about what she is doing, like what she made for dinner. And she was talking to me on the phone about things unrelated to our son. Just small talk.
Also, I don't know if it is relevant, but we had fairly regular sex before she left. She still became aroused and climaxed when having sex with me.

She still says that she is not interested in making any commitment to work it out. She also said she is afraid to file for divorce because of what my reaction might be.�

She is apprehensive to let me see my son, because she is worried that I will try to keep him.

She is also concerned about coming to visit when my parents are here. They are incredibly pushy, and prone to angry outbursts themselves. They are invasive and can be mean and manipulative. To be honest, I am a little nervous about them coming. But at the same time, they have given me support.

She is currently out of state. It is very difficult being away from my son. However, I know that I need to work on this anger. I have not had any angry outbursts to anything since the day after she left.

I have brought up the idea of her coming back to live nearby in another place, since she is not interested in being in the place we were together in. But she said she doesn't want to talk about that right now.
She doesn't have a job or car right now, and says she feels to dependent on me.�She keeps asking me to buy her a car.

What should I do?

Just to clarify. She had threatened to kill me in my sleep jokingly. I jokingly said it would be easier to killer her than divorce. Later when i was angry it came up repeatedly. I was using it to control her and try to stop her from leaving.

There's some good signs here, November. She is talking to you. Every time you have a pleasant conversation with her, that's love bank deposits in your account.

My wife Prisca would definitely identify with the feeling of PTSD from our early marriage.

As far as a commitment from your wife, her reaction sounds normal to me. That is probably frustrating to you as it would be to many husbands, but if you want her to feel committed you are going to need to change her feelings by your behavior. It's absolutely not safe for her to commit to somebody who threatened to kill her, right?

What should you do? Focus on making love bank deposits where she will let you, but most importantly focus on learning to avoid angry outbursts AT ALL COSTS NO MATTER WHAT. You can't afford to have even one angry outburst ever again.

Make sure that "working on anger" is not code for "doing nothing" like it used to be for me.

Can you buy her a car? I would do that, if you can. Take care of her.

Don't subject your wife to your parents. Their angry outbursts and disrespect will actually make love bank withdrawals from your account! I know this from personal experience. You cannot afford that if you want to win your wife back. Your wife not ever feel enthusiastic about being around your parents again, and that's okay. It's good that they are providing you support especially if they help to keep you on track and working this program that can make the difference you need, but remember that your wife is the victim here and support for her is far more important than support for you.

Advice I got from Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son and a counselor himself: embark on a Marriage Builders program of education. Read the books (especially Love Busters), listen to the radio show daily (have you listened to today's show, yet? I needed hundreds of hours of this education.), read the articles and Q&A columns, read other people's situations on the forum. Become an expert in Marriage Builders so you can be an expert in saving your marriage.

Instead of having her come visit you, where she will feel vulnerable, go to where she is. Visit her where she feels safe.

Consider moving to where she is at, later when she is willing to talk about it. She may never want to return to your current location, with all the traumatic memories.

This is good advice - Dr. Harley is a big proponent of the idea that our habits are influenced tremendously by our environment and a move can create new marital habits.

We have talked several times on the phone today. She mentioned that she misses one of the grocery stores we shop at here. I try to be caring and compassionate. I haven't had any angry outbursts, and I won't ever again! I worry that I apologize too much and that I bring up things that I did wrong. Is this helpful or hurting? I tell her what I regret doing and apologize.

I definitely am not letting my parents interact with her.

I can definitely buy her a car. A small part of me is scared she is just trying to use me. However, I have not shared that with her.


I have been listening to the show everyday. I am also reading the books and practicing relaxation.

As far as moving to where she is, I have brought it up. She said she didn't want me making any changes like that right now.
I brought up the car and asked where she was registering it, and she said she was registering it where I live.

She stated that her plan is to remain with her dad out of state until Summer is over.

Also, she will be chit chatting with me. Then all of a sudden she will say that the baby isn't talking and sounds frustrated like she didnt intend to have a conversation with me.

November, if you're having peaceful conversations with her, that is good and is probably making love bank deposits. If she brings up things that you did in the past that hurt her, by all means apologize to her and assure her you won't do these things again, but don't bring them up yourself.

Read what Dr. Harley has to say about the friends and enemies of good conversation:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

Just wanted to keep everyone updated.

I am working hard at the program. No angry outbursts. Feeling calmer overall. I had another counseling session, and took Love Busters to the counselor so he could be on the same page as me.

I purchased a car today for my wife.

We have been talking regularly. I am skyping with my son at least 2 times a day. We talked for about 3 hours yesterday. Mostly positive, and she occasionally brings up past mistakes.

Sounds like great progress, NovemberHotel!

Just looking for some further guidance.
I am currently practicing with the GSR meter daily. However, I am unclear with how much, etc...I work well with structure. I am able to conjure aggravating thoughts and watch the meter rise. Then I am able to get back to baseline pretty quickly at this point, usually within 45-90 seconds. I recall someone mentioning, I think it was Dr. Harley, that getting to baseline or the numbers are not important, just that you get the response, e.g. Meter goes up with anger, and then starts coming down with relaxation. Rather than worrying about actual magnitude of change.
How many reps of this should I be doing. I feel I am becoming rather proficient.

What other ways should I be challenging myself?

I am 100% committed to this, and I want to be sure I am doing everything I can.

Thanks for your feedback.