I am assuming since you haven't answered this and have moved on to answering later posts, that I am correct.

Somebody shared a great blog about pedophiles here recently that I will share with you:
Why don't the abused tell?
Chosen to be a child molester's enabler (from this post clicking "next" will take you to the next part of the story)

It does not mean you are correct. It means I meant it when I said I was not going to discuss it on a public forum. I find it very disrespectful for you to comment on something I clearly stated I will not discuss here.

tamak, we've seen all this before and we know what it means when somebody says there's a deep dark secret but they won't post what it is.

If you'll read the posting history of Sunnytimes, she posted the exact same way and finally revealed her husband had tried to have sex with underage girls at their daughter's slumber party. Here's her original posts under another name, whistlewhileyouwork.

Sunnytimes is the one who recently posted the blog I linked to - it's wonderfully helpful, and I'm glad she's finally getting some help and education on the subject.

SECRETS DESTROY.

Well, you certainly did discuss it. Nobody's making you discuss it further.

But we all know what it means when somebody says there's a deep dark secret that's too shameful to tell us. He molested children. If he didn't do that, he had affairs. If he didn't do that, he was a criminal.

Whatever it was, secrets kill and destroy.

I hope you'll check out that blog post I posted.

Make it clear also that he changes jobs because taking a shot and making an effort to have a great marriage is important to him to. That even though him doing this (quitting the job and being home) is a great demonstration to you of his commitment and desire to actually be in a great marriage; he's got to do this for himself and the legacy he hopes to achieve and accomplish as a man, father and husband. In other words...this is your boundary but his choice. Whether it works or not...(and there will always be hard days in any relationship), you simply don't want him to do it unless he can accept that he can't be resentful towards you for supposedly "making him do this".

Something like that.

He's not your puppet. This is what you need to keep you interested in staying in a marriage/relationship with him. He can meet that need/condition or not. His choice....but once he chooses...own the choice.

There are lots of things that have nothing to do pedophilia that a person might like to keep private. I find it very offensive for you make that assumption about my Dad and to disregard my requests to delete the offensive post and continue to try to get me to discuss it. I have not kept anything from my H, so it is not a secret destroying us. Therefore, what that PRIVATE information is, is irrelevant. You are continuing to be disrespectful of my requests to stop commenting about this topic. If being nosy for some juicy private information is the only reason you are posting on my thread, please refrain from here out.

I don't care about juice at all, tamak.

I care about helping, and in my experience, secrets destroy.

If he wasn't a pedophile, how could it be any worse?

If you don't want to discuss it, don't discuss it. Nobody's making you. The rest of us, though, know what we are looking at and will continue to speculate. That's what happens when you talk about there being some deep dark secret. We know what it is, or what kind of thing it might be.

We also know that concealing that kind of stuff doesn't help anybody.

I hope you'll read that blog post I linked to.

Obviously your dad did something terrible.

You don't want people to think ill of your dad, and you are practicing control and manipulation to try to control people's opinion about your dad.

But obviously he did something really negative, so people should form whatever opinion they want to from that.

Including your husband. And your daughter.

Short point of order.

Whatever it is your dad did to you (or whomever) is what truly tainted/taints his reputation. The disclosure of that secret behavior is not what hurts his legacy.

I hope you cut your husband some slack. My wife had a lot of shame and baggage to process and deal with after she lost her bi-polar father. When he wasn't cycling he was a great guy everyone loved; but, when cycling in mania he was an embarrassing monster. It's really odd to love and mourn a [sometimes] monster.

I apologize if this is "talking about it" more. I'm just trying to help.

My Dad killed himself in February of this year. The "secret" has to do with some things he went through and couldn't deal with that his grandchildren and NO ONE else needs to know about. The only reason I even mentioned it was because I am angry that my husband would blatantly disregard my request to keep it private and I needed to share that in a "safe" anonymous place.

You may think you have it all figured out, but people do not always fit the paint by numbers pattern you apparently think they do.

Dr. Harley learned about affairs because he discovered every man in his family before him had had one. He concluded he was prone to an affair and needed to take extraordinary precautions to avoid having one.

My feeling is that it is good for children to know the deep dark secrets of their family so they can make better choices when it happens to them.

I am terribly sorry for everything you have been through.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I feel better about going to him about it again from this angle.

And your daughter has a right to decide how she feels about what drove him to do that.

I sure am glad my mom did not keep secrets about what my grandfather did. When he died, I could own my own feelings about it.

Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112 - 113

What about Resentment?

One of the most common objections to the POJA is that it creates
resentment when it�s followed. I agree; it does usually create some
resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed.
An illustration will help make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn�t accept Sam�s invitation,
George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something
because of Sue�s objections, I call his resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest Love Bank withdrawals:
type A or type B? The answer is type A, and that�s why the POJA
helps build Love Bank balances. I�ll explain.

When George violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel
the effect of the thoughtless decision (Love Bank withdrawals) for
as long as memory persists�possibly for life whenever the event is
recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is
limited in time. It lasts only as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable
alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection
but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn�t invited to watch
football and doesn�t want to invite herself to Sam�s house, so she
suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football.
George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts
an end to George�s type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops
the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those
with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference
because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may
feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in
their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully,
unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to
them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating
type A resentment.

I did follow the MB program. I printed out the questionnaires the first time I came here and asked him to fill them out with me. I bought HN/HN and Love Busters and we both read them. I learned to negotiate for what I wanted instead of demanding. I learned to quit using DJs in communication. I requested POJA for every decision we made. My doing those things had no impact.

I will agree, I did not follow MB and put my foot down instead of going along with his continued choice to keep a job that kept him away so much. Which is why the things I did do didn't have an impact. That was very much my mistake, I agree. I let him have his cake and eat it too, while I was starving.



This is the million dollar question. And the one that brought me back. I don't know if I am here to change it or finally let it go.

Seems like either way, the thing to do is put your foot down and bring about change.

Most of my resentment is Type A

Unless I missed a post somewhere, I believe the consensus is:

1. I have not followed the MB program the way I should.

2. I should have put my foot down a long time ago and told my husband I was not willing to stay married to a man who chose to work away from home so much.

3. I should put my foot down now about his job.

4. If he gets a job where he is home every night, then I should start using the MB program to improve our marriage.

5. If my husband is not willing to get on board with the MB program, I should cut my losses and divorce him.

Did I miss anything?