As far as the issue with my Dad, I find it concerning to read so many assumptions and judgments simply because I do not want to share a private detail here on a public forum.

I can think of several situations in which a person might have gone through something they could not deal with, without it having anything to do with cheating, pediphilia or them doing something else terrible.

1. Military personal going through battle.
2. A person born with both genitalia.
3. A person struggling with sexual orientation in a hostile environment.
4. A person who lived with mental and emotional abuse or neglect growing up.

These are just a few, I could go on, but feel no need. Maybe some of you don't agree, but I personally do not believe it should be a requirement for a person in the military, for example, to share the details of the trauma they may have seen or endured openly with their grandchildren.

I don't need any one to agree with me. I would just very much like to put the issue to rest.

You actually have three choices:

* tell him it's all or nothing
* finally let go
* accept the status quo and do nothing

True. The third choice is not one I'm willing to continue doing, however.

Tama, good to see you! I'm glad to see you're open to option A. I hope your H will step up to the plate! He has lots of good seniority now.

Hi NED! I was hoping you were still here. I hope so too. There's not really seniority with what my H does. He will have to quit this job and get one in a completely different area of the oil field in order to be home every night.

My H is coming home today. I am going to tell him if he wants our marriage to work, he has to get a job where he's home every night. Not today, I want to wait till after our daughter's wedding Saturday. Plus, regardless of whether anyone here thinks I have the right, I am still angry with my H. I don't feel hostile toward him any more. I am calm enough to realize I will get over it. I'm just not there yet and don't want to inadvertently start an argument with my H because I come across with the wrong attitude and tone.

tamak, let me just clarify something,

ANY woman would be upset with her husband for unilaterally doing something she's not enthusiastic about. That is completely normal. That's why Dr. Harley teaches the policy of joint agreement.

You are wise to work hard to stay calm so as not to have an angry outburst!

Thank you for saying this. I felt like I kinda got beat up for being angry with him.


Thanks for the encouragement. I needed it. I'm nervous to see how it will be when he gets home in about an hour. He has a history of getting angry with me for being upset or angry with him and he tends to be very cold toward me, as if I did something wrong to him. I need to be as calm as I possibly can if that happens so I don't have an AO, since that is a button pusher for me.

Have a back up plan in case you need to leave the house. Also, right before you go to talk to him, remind yourself to leave if you become upset.

A backup plan to leave if I need to is a good idea. Thank you.

Or if he becomes upset.

My H and I talked today, instead of Sunday like I'd planned. It started off with him apologizing for what he told our daughter. He said she'd heard some rumor and had incorrect information so he set out to set the record straight. Though he didn't set the record straight, since he also told her wrong information. I explained it feels like a betrayal because he went behind my back instead of talking to me about her questions and concerns. If I'd known, I would have talked to her about it. But I felt blindsided and doubly so when I found out the wrong information he'd told her. He said he was extremely sorry and would do anything to try to make it right.

He was more open to me in that moment than he has been in a long time. I saw a window and hoped I wasn't making a mistake. I told him if he really wanted to make things right between us, things had to change, dramatic change. I don't trust him any more. I believe the only chance we have to improve our marriage is if he changes to a job where he is home every night and if we follow the MB program. I told him I wasn't giving him an ultimatum. I wasn't saying I would divorce him if he didn't do what I wanted. I was simply saying I don't think we will make it if we don't make those changes. And while I knew the most drastic change would be his, because of the job, I was not saying he was the only one who needed to change. We both have changes to make. Then I stopped talking to let him process.

I will be honest, I was expecting him to start giving reasons why it was a bad idea for him to change jobs. He shocked me by saying he will start looking for a new job where he is home every night. He said we need to go over our finances to cut expenses so we can afford for him to take a pay cut without adding financial stress. I agreed and added that I want us to start following the POJA. No more independent decisions, but we decide together and both have to be in agreement, on everything including his job choice, schedule and our finances. He agreed.

We have a lot going on with the wedding in the next 2 days. After that I am going to ask him if he will fill out the questionnaires with me, since it has been 13 years since we first filled them out.

I appreciate the support and kick in the butt I needed to have that conversation with my H. Fingers crossed it was the path changing conversation I hope it was.

Tama, did he still make that kid voice he used to when you brought up a concern, or has he changed that now? Is that why you were afraid you were going to be mad too?

Good job on bringing this main problem to the front burner so well! Dr Harley would tell you to keep it on the front burner until the problem is solved.

Another suggestion would be to start with lovebusters and getting as much UA time as possible. The main focus should be on eliminating all lovebusters and getting in as many dates as possible to fill the lovebank. Your UA time should be committed to meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

If he can get another job, you have a great chance of turning this all around.

I'm just going to echo everything she said there, especially that you did a great job (and he did a great job responding), and that Dr. Harley would encourage you to keep this problem on the front burner (keep bringing it up) until it is solved.

He has quit using his Jim Carey voice during serious discussions. I thought I might get mad because he usually gets mad and even more distant, when he does or says something I get mad or upset about. I feel like I have to prove my right to be mad or upset to him before he will deal with the reason.

Thank you. I surprised myself by staying calm through out the discussion. I nearly had an AO at one point and thought about implementing my back plan to leave till I gained control. But I took a deep breath, reigned in the emotion and plunged forward. I was proud of myself in the moment. It convinced me I can gain control of my emotions, even in difficult situations.

Thank you for the suggestion. I have been guilty of not keeping things on the front burner after I discuss them with him, but stepping back to let him lead the way. I didn't think about that though, till you just mentioned it.


We have the book, but its been years since we read it, sad to say. I will pull it out and read it again and ask him if he will read it too, after we fill out the questionnaires. Or should we read it before we fill out the questionnaires?

About UA time....the last few times we had a date night it was awkward. I requested we talk about something other than work or negative things (we have had a very bad year, several deaths, my Mom moving in with us, issues with kids, issues with trying to build a house and sell a house, getting Mom into her own house, etc..) since those things dominate our daily lives. We struggled to find anything to talk about. We do good on the RC because we play golf together.


I hope so.

Thank you. He did do a great job of responding. In fact, he remained open to me the rest of the night. We had some things to do to get ready for tonight and tomorrow, and some of it meant we weren't even in the same room. But when we were, it was nice in a way it hasn't been in a very long time. I don't want to lose that. If keeping it on the front burner will give us the chance to keep that niceness till we can get close again, I believe I can stay positive about things along the way which I know is important since I'm the one initiating these changes.

Great job!!



We have the book, but it's been years since we read it, sad to say. I will pull it out and read it again and ask him if he will read it too, after we fill out the questionnaires. Or should we read it before we fill out the questionnaires?[/quote]

I would put aside the questionaires for now and focus on eliminating all lovebusters, his getting another job and going out on FUN, romantic dates.


Playing golf is a good idea. And you have the right idea, the dates should be enjoyable and pleasant. Find subjects that really interest you both and be happy and fun. Yes, it will be awkward at first, but learning new habits always are at first. No serious or negative subjects! And dress attractively!!

You might want to pick up the new versions of Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs since they have both been rewritten.

This is one of the areas where a lot of people get hung up with building a better marriage.

You don't have to prove anything. In fact, trying to prove anything to your spouse will usually start a fight. It's better to peacefully, calmly, cheerfully stop tolerating certain conditions in your life caused by your spouse. It helps to be somebody who doesn't debate or try to prove it at all, someone who to some extent can't be reasoned with about it.

The other spouse who wants to debate it can debate it on their own in an empty room.