Okay, I will re-read the states of mind article as well as the policy of undivided attention today...DJ

The point about those articles is that they contain a plan of action. Can you see what it is?

I will let you know what I glean from the articles sometime today. I need time to get through them again. It will probably be later on today...thanks SC

So, in a nutshell, after reading the 3 states of marriage and the policy of undivided attention, it seems to me that the plan is as follows:

1) Understand what your spouses emotional needs are
2) Plan at least 15 hours/week to be together to focus on meeting those needs
3) Learn what love busters you are doing and stop doing them
4) Focus on 4 main emotional needs; affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment

Am I on the right track here?

Number 1 and number 4 actually need to switch place, if you follow the argument of the Undivided Attention article.

1) Learn what love busters you are doing and stop doing them
2) Focus on 4 main emotional needs; affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment
3) Plan at least 15 hours/week to be together to focus on meeting those needs
4) Understand what your spouses emotional needs are.

-Do you understand why it is important to spend a minimum of 15 hours per week out of the house, on dates with only you and your wife, meeting those 4 emotional needs (well, perhaps sexual fulfilment can wait until you get home - unless you can afford to go to a hotel, which would be divine)?

-Do you understand why Dr Harley says that you must focus on those four emotional needs during Undivided Attention (UA) time?

-Do you understand why it is far more important for you to focus on the common top two needs for a woman - affection and conversation - than to focus on other needs that she might have, such as family commitment and domestic support? Do you understand why having a husband who is an involved father is important to most women, but it does not make them fall in love?

The top need that you think your wife has is openness and honesty, from you.

While that need might be important because she has been denied it from you, it needs to come through the means of intimate conversation - but the main purpose of intimate conversation is to encourage your wife to talk about whatever she wants to, and to really listen and respond to her. Let her take the lead if she wants to explore your mind; do not use your dates as an opportunity to talk about yourself.

You cannot do UA time at home (apart from SF). Home is not a romantic place where you dress up, bring out your best selves and focus on each other. Home is where you do chores, or use the Internet, or flop out on the sofa. You need to arrange dates where you can talk, flirt, be affectionate and carry out an enjoyable activity, all at the same time. Dinner, dancing, sport and exercise, walking, visiting art galleries and museums, and lots of other activities allow you to accomplish conversation, affection and recreational activity all at once. Sexual fulfilment will follow easily, at home.

What can you do to arrange 15 hours outside the home every week, starting this week?

You'll be amazed at the effect proper UA time has on your wife.

Can you take her away for a break? That would kickstart your recovery like nothing else.

As far as the 4 main emotional needs are concerned, I believe that I've just experienced the affection and conversation with my wife over the last 2 days. I really put some effort into talking with her and being affectionate yesterday. I didn't sleep on the couch last night at her request. Thats the farthest that we've moved in a positive direction since last November.

It seems to me that the 15 hours of UA puts both of us into an intensive and focused time together during which we can really focus on the intimate conversation without interruption. It seems to me that intimate conversation is certainly one of the most important emotional needs for my wife. Focusing on that alone seems to be the "gateway" to meeting some of the other emotional needs which would just naturally flow out of the intimate conversation.

We are planning to take a break for a few days and go away somewhere to be together. As far as 15 hours of UA this week, I need to think of ways to do that. We spend an awful lot of time together at home each night but like you say, its not the same as getting away from home.

I need to think of some ideas for getting out of the house together...DJ

I suggest that you take her out to dinner. Don't wait for a perfect, novel idea. Watch your conversation and keep it thoughtful, pleasant, balanced, and affectionate. (Just like pre-marriage days.)

While at dinner, provide 2 copies of this....and ask how she would feel about filling one out.

Recreational Inventory:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

Another thing to be religious about...

Have a written grid with the 4 intimate emotional needs. Make sure that each and every date allows for all 4 boxes to be checked, in a way that you BOTH enjoy.

Yes, in this case, checking the boxes works.

So my "window" was very short. 1 week later I'm back on the couch and my wife has given me until Friday to find a place to live.

So she had a medical procedure done last week on Tuesday. I was very supportive and caring on both Monday and Tuesday. According to my wife, one the procedure was over, I went back into my normal mode. Aloof, quiet, not talking. I can't argue with that, I'm under a huge amount of pressure at work right now during a very busy time and I have a lot on my plate. I do tend to get pre-occupied with outside things when I'm in this mode.

What do I do now? She's back into emotional withdrawal and wanting me to move out again.

I've starting emailing her numerous times throughout the day because she won't talk to me. It just turns ugly. Email seems to be the only way that I can say anything to her...DJ

Is that what your wife can expect from you when you are under pressure at work?

How does it turn ugly? Are you lovebusting in the emails?

Just because you identify something as a DJ during the time you are saying it, does not make it OK to DJ your wife. It is not productive at all.

"DJ" is his initials, unwritten. He puts this at the end of every post. It becomes quite confusing, as you have experienced!

No, it is the talking that turns ugly!

Oh, gotcha! Thanks for clarifying. I have seen people do this, make a DJ about their spouse and then say 'I know that is a DJ' and thought thats what he was doing.

Could you consider signing your posts " Jim"?

Well that is what she gets...I do tend to internalize things when I am under pressure...jim

No there is no love busting in the emails, only when we actually talk to each other. Lots of anger. Not from me, from my wife. I am avoiding anger like the plague...

That isn't quite what I asked.