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I just listened to the radio show and you told Dr Harley you didn't believe what your husband had an affair because they were not "sexual." So the basic issue is that YOU don't take this seriously.
Dr Harley told you they WERE affairs. He also mentioned he does not believe your husband did not have sex with the woman he spent the night with. And you know he lied on the polygraph test when he said he had never had sex with another woman since you were married. You already knew he had sex with another woman when he had an affair 10 yrs ago and moved out for months.
Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce. ok Of course I am glad that everyone here and Dr Harley has said that it was an affair. Everyone my husband has talked to is disagreeing. So you see what I am up against. I do NOT KNOW my husband had sex with another woman since we have been married. Were you not the one who suggested a polygraph? What was the point of that if he denies it, poly says he is telling the truth and no one believes him?? Dr Harley specifically stated that I should not have said "affair" in the exposure but stated the facts and just explained what he did. Of course I said affair and stated the facts. I did talk to the OW, today. She told me that he said he was in the middle of a divorce. She says he started everything, (remember she is a waitress at a bar) She said he had no ring on. (he admitted this) She said they were at the bar twice after that, (to which he admitted) Then I asked if they went anywhere else. That is when she started going on and on about how she's uncomfortable, about how I slandered her name, that I thought it was her fault and said that she was then done with the conversation. Again, is this wrong.. YES. Proves he had sex with her? NO. and no I have no proof or do I know if he had sex with the woman from 10 years ago. He said he was in love with her though, so it doesn't matter to me if he had sex with her or not. Its still wrong and terrible. Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce. I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all. This IS serious to me. Also from what I have read, it says for give 3 weeks for plan A. Its been 1 week. But you told Dr Harley *you* didn't believe he had an affair and as such, felt bad for exposing him. That is the issue. No one cares what other people call it. The truth is what matters. Yes, dr Harley told you that the affair was the reason why your husband wanted to leave. He said the affair had either started or he had a plan to start the affair. He said when a man wants to separate it is because they are having an affair. He told you that. And of course your husband had sex with his ow. He spent the night with her. I realize you want to deny this because your habit of denial is so entrenched but it is true, just as he has sex with the OW 10 years ago. Dr Harley told you he didn't believe the polygraph. And yes, Plan A lasts 3 weeks. You have been in plan a for some time. In the meantime, you know he will not engage in recovery so you should separate from him NOW so you can go into Plan B in the next couple of weeks. I don't have time to continue debating reality with you [have done so since you arrived] but want to emphasize that you should be focusing on asking him to LEAVE so you can go into Plan B. He should be asked now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you tell Dr Harley that this is not your husbands first affair? Does he know he is a serial cheater?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He spent the night with her. A man doesn't spend the night with a woman and not have sex with her.
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But you told Dr Harley *you* didn't believe he had an affair and as such, felt bad for exposing him. That is the issue. No one cares what other people call it. The truth is what matters.
Yes, dr Harley told you that the affair was the reason why your husband wanted to leave. He said the affair had either started or he had a plan to start the affair. He said when a man wants to separate it is because they are having an affair. He told you that. And of course your husband had sex with his ow. He spent the night with her. I realize you want to deny this because your habit of denial is so entrenched but it is true, just as he has sex with the OW 10 years ago.
Dr Harley told you he didn't believe the polygraph.
And yes, Plan A lasts 3 weeks. You have been in plan a for some time. In the meantime, you know he will not engage in recovery so you should separate from him NOW so you can go into Plan B in the next couple of weeks.
I don't have time to continue debating reality with you [have done so since you arrived] but want to emphasize that you should be focusing on asking him to LEAVE so you can go into Plan B. He should be asked now. Well Dr Harley gave his opinion. He also said, this is mostly but not always the case. There are always exceptions to the rule. and no one is 100% right, 100% of the time. he also didnt say he didn't believe the poly, he said they they aren't always fact. Ok, well that still doesn't mean he is lying. What I don't understand is that no one has put any thought into the years of abuse that I have put him through that would lead him to this. Why should he just jump up and act nice to me? He feels this is payback. It is wrong, yep. Could he have done something different.. sure. Does no on here think I could have ever been bad enough to make him want to go do this? My husband wanted out because I have treated him like crap for years. He never had the nerve to say.. you can't treat me like this and leave himself. That IS why.
Last edited by newtopia; 03/30/16 11:39 AM.
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Did you tell Dr Harley that this is not your husbands first affair? Does he know he is a serial cheater? I just listened and I don't get the sense that he understood this at all. It seemed the point of your email was to outline that this was not an affair and backtrack on exposure....and Dr Harley was not having it. Dr Harley emphatically said there was an affair from the factual information you had, newtopia. He didn't care about the things you pointed out - passed poly and or no sex, etc. He had an answer for every one of the things you pointed out about why you don't feel this was an affair. He also added that exposure speeds up the inevitable - so that your WH continuing to punish you and be angry at exposure is basically proof that he is not serious about recovery.
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He spent the night with her. A man doesn't spend the night with a woman and not have sex with her. Says who? I could spend the night with every man I know, every day of the week for the next month and never have sex with any of them.
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But you told Dr Harley *you* didn't believe he had an affair and as such, felt bad for exposing him. That is the issue. No one cares what other people call it. The truth is what matters.
Yes, dr Harley told you that the affair was the reason why your husband wanted to leave. He said the affair had either started or he had a plan to start the affair. He said when a man wants to separate it is because they are having an affair. He told you that. And of course your husband had sex with his ow. He spent the night with her. I realize you want to deny this because your habit of denial is so entrenched but it is true, just as he has sex with the OW 10 years ago.
Dr Harley told you he didn't believe the polygraph.
And yes, Plan A lasts 3 weeks. You have been in plan a for some time. In the meantime, you know he will not engage in recovery so you should separate from him NOW so you can go into Plan B in the next couple of weeks.
I don't have time to continue debating reality with you [have done so since you arrived] but want to emphasize that you should be focusing on asking him to LEAVE so you can go into Plan B. He should be asked now. Well Dr Harley gave his opinion. He also said, this is mostly but not always the case. There are always exceptions to the rule. and no one is 100% right, 100% of the time. he also didnt say he didn't believe the poly, he said they they aren't always fact. Ok, well that still doesn't mean he is lying. What I don't understand is that no one has put any thought into the years of abuse that I have put him through that would lead him to this. Why should he just jump up and act nice to me? He feels this is payback. It is wrong, yep. Could he have done something different.. sure. Does no on here think I could have ever been bad enough to make him want to go do this? My husband wanted out because I have treated him like crap for years. He never had the nerve to say.. you can't treat me like this and leave himself. That IS why. The biggest problem standing in your way is YOU. You have a huge denial and BS fog issue. You are trying to "spin" little details that are meaningless to the big picture and more importantly, you are no ignoring/muddling what Dr Harley has told you.
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Did you tell Dr Harley that this is not your husbands first affair? Does he know he is a serial cheater? He also added that exposure speeds up the inevitable - so that your WH continuing to punish you and be angry at exposure is basically proof that he is not serious about recovery.
because he doesn't believe that I am. and not by kicking him out, by not name calling, demanding, judging, etc. or getting his emotional needs met either.
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He spent the night with her. A man doesn't spend the night with a woman and not have sex with her. Says who? I could spend the night with every man I know, every day of the week for the next month and never have sex with any of them. Dr Harley answered this for you and there's no reason to debate it further on the thread. If you want to dismiss his advice, then that is your perogative but no one here is going to support you. He said your WH spent the night with this woman to have sex with her - if it didn't happen maybe it was because she didn't let it happen or it just couldn't happen due to some other circumstance. Based on what I know from reading on these forums for 8+years, I wholeheartedly agree.
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I agree you are not 100% correct. When you have numerous people telling you something, you should pay attention.
The "abuse" we are concerned with is your husbands abuse of YOU because your marriage cannot be fixed until that changes. He has had many affairs and that is very abusive. You can't fix a marriage until this is addressed and resolved first. Until he fully commits to this program, you should separate. Your past behavior is irrelevant at this point.
"Does no on here think I could have ever been bad enough to make him want to go do this? My husband wanted out because I have treated him like crap for years."
You both treated each other like crap. In order to recover he must stop and you must stop. If he will not commit fully to recovery then you should separate.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He spent the night with her. A man doesn't spend the night with a woman and not have sex with her. Says who? I could spend the night with every man I know, every day of the week for the next month and never have sex with any of them. Dr Harley answered this for you and there's no reason to debate it further on the thread. If you want to dismiss his advice, then that is your perogative but no one here is going to support you. He said your WH spent the night with this woman to have sex with her - if it didn't happen maybe it was because she didn't let it happen or it just couldn't happen due to some other circumstance.Based on what I know from reading on these forums for 8+years, I wholeheartedly agree. I don't disagree with that. Thanks.
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He spent the night with her. A man doesn't spend the night with a woman and not have sex with her. Says who? I could spend the night with every man I know, every day of the week for the next month and never have sex with any of them. You are in denial and are just being silly.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree you are not 100% correct. When you have numerous people telling you something, you should pay attention.
The "abuse" we are concerned with is your husbands abuse of YOU because your marriage cannot be fixed until that changes. He has had many affairs and that is very abusive. You can't fix a marriage until this is addressed and resolved first. Until he fully commits to this program, you should separate. Your past behavior is irrelevant at this point.
"Does no on here think I could have ever been bad enough to make him want to go do this? My husband wanted out because I have treated him like crap for years."
You both treated each other like crap. In order to recover he must stop and you must stop. If he will not commit fully to recovery then you should separate. ok thanks. I am off work all next week. I will start planning on B soon as I can. We are going to therapy in a few hours. Thanks for all the support even if I am hard headed.
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We are NOT ignorant of the fact (and neither is Dr Harley) that most BWs have committed lovebusters in the marriage.
That is silly and ridiculous to think your situation is somehow different because you have commited lovebusters. That is the NORM.
That was addressed when you discussed recovery with your WH. You know that and we know that.
That does not change the advice you have been given.
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Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce. I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all. Yes, he did say that. At about the 17:00 mark, he said when your H moved out, he was probably already in an affair or had a woman in mind for an affair - that that's the most common reason for a spouse to move out. He touched on this again in the segment, more than a few times I believe. Like I said, there is a huge denial issue going on here.
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He said your WH spent the night with this woman to have sex with her - if it didn't happen maybe it was because she didn't let it happen or it just couldn't happen due to some other circumstance.
Based on what I know from reading on these forums for 8+years, I wholeheartedly agree. I don't disagree with that. Thanks. It's exhausting that I would even have to point this out to you - when Dr Harley told you this himself and you said you listened to the recording 5 times!!
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Yeah, don't go. Therapy is a dream come true for a wayward who wants to abuse the BS and avoid taking responsbility for their actions and start making changes in their behavior. Did anyone here tell you therapy was a good idea? Did Dr Harley tell you to go to therapy?
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What was the point of writing to Dr Harley if you were going to dismiss all of his advice and feedback, newtopia?
This is a serious question.
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