Great!

What do I do? Should I look into everything and get it set up before I tell her, or do I tell her now? I have a feeling she will be glad if I move, so she can keep the kids and have her affair without me interfering.
She holds most of the cards right now. The way everything was worked out when we were both seeing lawyers, she woukd keep house and give me the kids every other week. Something to do with the low equity in the house and the amount in my 401k, the lawyer said it would be better to let her have the house. She was going to get her mom to move in the house with her so she can help pay bills and basically replace me completely. So to her a divorce looks very attractive. It seems the only thing holding her is she has a little bit of feelings for me or maybe just feels sorry for me and the kids.

I think Melody was suggesting that your whole family move, not just you!

Just start looking into it and tell her that moving will be essential in the recovery of your marriage.


I would stop cooperating with her divorce ideas and tell her you would rather sell the house and move. The lawyers suggestion is based on his goal of your getting divorced. Your goal is to save your marriage. You could even rent it out and move.

Yeah. I did tell her I'm not getting divorced since it will be hard for me to see the kids with my job if they don't live with me. A few days ago she was mad and said she was going to the lawyer anyway and kicking me out, but I ignored her and she calmed down.

I logged into her snapchat account and I can see she sent OM a pic. It won't let me see what the pic is but I can imagine. What should I do now?

You take a photo of the contact and save it in a safe place. Let her know that you know she is still in touch with the OM and ask her to end her affair. Tell her this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end all contact.

What about when she says fine and then leaves? She has been saying she wants a divorce and is just staying with me because she feels sorry for me. Every so often she has a moment where it looks like she is changing her mind, but mostly we just don't discuss anything.

I tried to call OM a couple times but he just silenced them on the first ring. So I texted him to stop talking to my wife and to let it go. He just resent me my message but put his wife's name instead of mine.

WW texted me right afterwards to ask if I picked the kids up. Guess she didn't want to tell me that he told her I called him. I'm waiting for her to get home before I mention anything. If she comes home now.

Now I am not sure if he told my wife that I spoke to him or not. She got home and was acting fine. I didn't see any contact between them during any of my spying. I saw she did get a text at 9pm from an IP address instead of a phone number. That coukd have been OM trying to circumvent her having his number blocked on the phone or just trying to hide his number from showing up on the account. She didn't respond to it though.
I didn't mention to her or OM that I knew they were snap chatting yesterday. I still don't know how to confront her without giving away that I can see the account. But I did manage to see most of their conversation and pictures. It was just them sending silly pictures of themselves with painted on hair and makeup. Nothing sexual at this point, but still plenty enough to prevent recovery.

Sorry for the multiple posts, just trying to keep everyone updated in case there is some advice. Me and WW texted this morning. She asked why OM's number showed up on the phone account. I told her I talked to him. I also told her she needs to quit talking to him. She lied and said she hasn't talked to him and that I just don't trust her. She said we will never work because I don't trust her. I just said that her talking to him causes me great pain. She said, "then let us get divorced then." I told her I just want her to give us 1 good chance without talking to him for more than 2 days. She didn't respond. Probably discussing it with OM right now.

Tell her that YES, this will go to divorce if she doesn't end her affair. LEt her know you are watching her and that you know she is still in touch with the OM. Tell her if she wants you to trust her, she must a) end her affair and b) give her open access to all of her devices. Tell her "that is how yuo can EARN my trust."

Whether it was "sexual" or not completely misses the point. The point is that this was a CONTINUATION OF THE AFFAIR. They can be talking about bible scriptures and it would still be a CONTINUATION OF THE AFFAIR. Do you see? The subject matter does not matter, what matters is the continuation of the affair. ANY CONTACT IS A CONTINUATION OF THE AFFAIR.

WW: She said we will never work because I don't trust her.
DB: do you want me to trust you? I can show you how
DB: I learn can trust you if you will end your affair and make your life transparent to me

Just be a broken record when she plays the "you don't trust me" card. [it is a manipulation tactic] and say "would you like me to show you how I can trust you?"

Don't laugh in her face when she says such silly things. It would be a lovebuster. But know that she is just feeding you the typical WW script, and is probably just trying to get a rise out of you.

Be calm, cool, and collected. The suggestion Melody has given you is golden: "Would you like me to show you how I can trust you?"

She also says she is never going to trust me either. She keeps checking the phone account to see if I'm talking to OM's wife or having an affair of my own.
I did what y'all said and told her everything about trust and showing her I can trust her.
She said she is going to pay the lawyer today and wants me out of the house. I said I'm not leaving. She still maintains she didn't talk to OM yesterday. She even called me psychotic. But the last couple times she said she was going to the lawyer, I ignored her and she came home. Probably will be the case this time.
She has a girl friend at work that takes her side on everything and gives her advice and says I'm wrong in everything. So she messes her head up everyday that she goes to work.

If we do go to court eventually, will any of my evidence of them talking or her admitting to the affair in texts benefit me in anyway?

Nothing wrong with that. Is there something wrong with being in contact with the OM's wife? No, there is not.


Did you let her know that, yes, this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end her affair?


Admission of the affair is evidence. But whether or not that benefits you in court depends on your state.

I didn't say anything about divorce. I just said she needs to stop the affair because it is hurting me badly. She said she hasn't talked to him, but also that she wants to get divorced because I will never trust her.
She keeps saying I am holding her hostage by not agreeing to leave the house and not letting her get a divorce. I am afraid if I say "stop the affair or I am getting divorced", she will say "I did stop but go ahead, I want to be divorced." That's how she responded when I first attempted recovery a month ago. I don't know how I am supposed to respond to that though.
I also didn't tell her I have proof that they talked yesterday, because she will just change her snapchat password and I want to be able to get some more evidence.

Good!

Nothing is stopping her from getting a divorce if she wants one.
She is also free to leave the house. Although you should make it clear that you are willing to build a romantic marriage with her that is better than what you had before.

Don't say it that way. Say: "Our marriage will not survive if you continue contact with OM. It will end in divorce. I would prefer to build a loving, happy, romantic marriage with you, but I need you to end all contact with OM."

She may say "Fine! Get a divorce then!" Then just become a broken record -- "I would prefer to build a loving, happy, romantic marriage with you, but I need you to end all contact with OM."