Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 17 1 2 13 14 15 16 17
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Dr Harley told you to knock it off. Your wife reads here so you need to stop it. All you do is aggravate the situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I make it a point never to read my wife's posts and I expected the same in return. We had a discussion not long ago about protecting our LB balance from unintended withdrawal. I believed this was a safe place to look for help openly and not lose love units. I realize now that is not the case. I wish she would have told me. Yesterday morning I asked if she would like to schedule UA time for the remainder of the week and she said she does not want to spend any UA time with me. What do I do now? I have already apologized for my part of what happened the day before and shared some of my perspective on it. She said she felt punished and abused and that my LB balance is seriously depleted. How do I build it back up when she is unwilling to invest UA time?

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Also if UA time is for the purpose of meeting all the identified top emotional needs and SF is one of them and you recommend 3 to 4 hours UA time 4 times a week is it reasonable to expect to receive SF on each date even if my LB balance is low?

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I have already apologized for my part of what happened the day before and shared some of my perspective on it. She said she felt punished and abused and that my LB balance is seriously depleted. How do I build it back up when she is unwilling to invest UA time?
Found somewhere on the internet:

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
-Ok, Done.
Did it break?
-Yes.
Now say sorry to it.
-Sorry.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
-No
Do you understand?


On thinking DJ's, in several radioshows I heard Dr Harley advise against thinking DJ's. If you let your mind DJ, how will you be able to stop lovebusting?

Last edited by goody2shoes; 10/05/16 06:06 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
She said she felt punished and abused and that my LB balance is seriously depleted. How do I build it back up when she is unwilling to invest UA time?

If you want her to go out with you, then you should focus all of your attention on wooing her back instead of pushing her away. You can "apologize" all you want, but it does not erase the memory of your poor treatment. The only thing that will erase that bad memory is a pattern of good treatment.

Pretend like you are single and you are trying to persuade a woman to date you. How would you act? Would you expect to get a date if you insulted her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Also if UA time is for the purpose of meeting all the identified top emotional needs and SF is one of them and you recommend 3 to 4 hours UA time 4 times a week is it reasonable to expect to receive SF on each date even if my LB balance is low?

I would focus on building up her lovebank so she will go out on dates with you again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Also, have you completely eliminated porn? Are you looking at females?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Quote
Also if UA time is for the purpose of meeting all the identified top emotional needs and SF is one of them and you recommend 3 to 4 hours UA time 4 times a week is it reasonable to expect to receive SF on each date even if my LB balance is low?

This would be how to create a sexual aversion, you've already asked this and markos already answered it.

When you consistently change your behaviors into wooing your wife back, you will lose these unrealistic expectations and enjoy the time you get together.

When was the last time you looked into the MB coaching? Do you feel like this is something you have been effective at working alone?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, have you completely eliminated porn? Are you looking at females?

I had the same thought.

Jordan, please double check that this bad habit is buttoned up tightly.


Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
She said she felt punished and abused and that my LB balance is seriously depleted. How do I build it back up when she is unwilling to invest UA time?

The first step is to stop the bleeding. You can't lovebust her repeatedly and then try to compensate by meeting needs.

LOVEBUSTERS BUST UP LOVE.


1st step:

Put your wife in a "bubble".

Have you heard Dr. Harley talk about this? It really helped my husband to hear how to do this.








Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I have heard nothing of putting my wife in a bubble or not thinking DJ. I believe I am making great progress. To think that 10 months ago I had never even read the LB book nor did I know how to access the Internet. I think I have learned a lot and implemented many changes. Breaking so many 25+ year old bad habits while simultaneously surviving major family/life stressors has been tremendously difficult and exhausting.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I have heard nothing of putting my wife in a bubble or not thinking DJ. I believe I am making great progress. To think that 10 months ago I had never even read the LB book nor did I know how to access the Internet.

IJ, your wife won't even go out on a date with you so no, this is not great progress. Did you see my suggestion to your wife about signing up for the professional program? When do it yourself does not work, you might want to consider hiring professionals. You will get real results. My husband and I went through the program in 2007 and it really does work.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I do not really know what to make of this question. Of course I see females they are everywhere. I do not live on Dr. Harley deserted island but I do have almost extreme extraordinary precautions in place and have always had our entire marriage. I have never had nor do I currently have a porn habit. As I said on the radio I am simply struggleing finding my wife attractive due to LB. And I am sure she is struggling to find me attractive as well

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
This very harsh quote:

Originally Posted by Indianajordan
First of all I am not writing this post to her I am writing it to you and secondly from my perspective carrying extra weight for 20+years for a time breaching the obesity threshold is a health issue. The healthies and longest living people in the world are those who are not over weight. I made this case to Dr. Harley in an email and never got a reply . This issue will almost undoubtedly affect our marriage in the future and it is a situation to which I have never been in enthusiastic agreement. Thirdly I was merely using the weight loss issue as an example of the pattern. I have not mentioned weight loss to my wife since the broadcast

does not square with this reality, which DidntQuit based on information you previously provided about her height/weight:

Originally Posted by DidntQuit
Originally Posted by IndianaJordan
Somewhere during this period I ceased to be aroused by her appearance and getting me aroused has required increasingly more effort for her, which she doesn't like and occasionally complains about.

I did some research, and it appears that her BMI is in about the 50th percentile. It doesn't seem likely that 15 lbs. should single-handedly cause your arousal problems. In total, she is about 15 lbs. above her wedding day weight, after having 7 kids, caring for a handicapped child, and dealing with a disrespectful husband.

It seems like you have no appreciation for the drastic changes she allowed her body undertake to in order to provide your seven children. Many things about her body will never be the same due to the child bearing she did.

When I started reading your thread I was under the impression your wife had gained an enormous amount of weight. Imagine my surprise when one of your posts stated you married her when she was 160 pounds and now she weighs 185 pounds.

Also, your thread started with your demanding to go to a beach vacation so you could ogle women and become aroused so you could tolerate sex with your "overweight" wife. And if she didn't want to come along for that party, you wanted to go by yourself.

You clearly have a contrast effect going in some way. When you see other women when you go about your daily life, do you muse about them in terms of their sexuality? Do you still look around for attractive women so you can visualize them while you have sex with your "overweight" wife?

Your mind is a powerful force. If you are not currently looking at other women for sexual arousal, you are clearly remembering back to something "better" than your wife and contrasting her to it IF you are unappetized by sex with a woman who is 15 pounds heavier than on her wedding day. After bearing 7 children for you.

It seems like you need to discipline your mind much better and purposefully distract yourself when these thoughts come back or when you see an attractive woman. You can use strategies like repeating some phrase over and over in your mind until the thoughts leave. Also, instantly deflecting your eyes from the source of attraction.

I know men with beautiful wives who still need to do this, and they purposefully train themselves to do so. It seems you were purposefully indulging in these trains of thoughts and habits. To eliminate the contrast effect, you need to discipline your thoughts, behaviors and actions better.

Last edited by Sunnytimes; 10/06/16 10:42 AM.
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209

I agree that you have put in effort and made progress. I think that you BOTH would benefit by getting direct help from a MB coach and Dr. Harley. Consider the coaching program. They can help you sort things out and prioritize. They will shelter you both from each other's brutal honesty and help you stay on track.
They are kind and patient. Not judgmental.


Our situation had many similarities to yours, and our best efforts weren't working. We needed the structure and order of the program. We needed the coach and Dr. Harley. Now, 5 years from crisis, I am posting because the program works. And after paying for it, I still feel indebted to MB.

What would you say about doing the coaching course? If you do your part, (and I have faith that you will), it is totally worth it.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Yesterday I told my wife through tears that I am afraid to talk to her. This morning at 7 am I warmly said good morning and touched her tenderly. She then asked whether I have been taking my mood supplements to which I replied no. Then she said " I think you should take your supplements". Cue: gut tightening. Very first thing in the morning. I replied that sounded DJ to me and that I could not continue the conversation. As she continued to speak about how wrong I was I suggested she ask you guys. She eventually left the room without saying anything further and I proceeded to force some food down into the turmoil going on in my gut. After breakfasting alone and in silence I took her a coffee fixed just the way she likes it at 8am. She said thank you without making eye contact and once again I touched her tenderly as I left the room. Now I am afraid again what will happen next. Do I open my mouth to speak with the very real possibility of receiving more abuse? If I do not speak, I am then accused of punishing and ignoring her. I went about my business and she finally left for work at 11am. I was working in the backyard by now and she informed me, not coming close but from the driveway, that she was leaving. I was too tense to bring myself to go to her to say good bye. My gut finally began to settle down after she left. I do not know whether she contacted you or not, but I wanted to give my perspective. This may speak to the problems I am having being attracted to her. Other than a single no eye contact thank you she has said nothing warm, has not come close to me or touched me.

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Yesterday I told my wife through tears that I am afraid to talk to her. This morning at 7 am I warmly said good morning and touched her tenderly.

...

After breakfasting alone and in silence I took her a coffee fixed just the way she likes it at 8am. She said thank you without making eye contact and once again I touched her tenderly as I left the room.

You did a great job of not punishing her lovebusters with more lovebusters. A fantastic step forward!

Also, you did a great job of pursuing her. She may not have said anything, but women notice actions like this. After a number of interactions like this, she will feel safe to start dropping her guard. She needs to come to the place where she can trust that this is the new you. And you need to be careful to not give her any reasons to doubt that.

It feels gut wrenching to you now, but you are taking the most logical actions to restore your marriage.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I replied that sounded DJ to me and that I could not continue the conversation.

It would be best not to call her out like this, but to simply say that comment bothers you. If she is discussing it in a way that feels disrespectful to you, you can say that you would like to discuss her complaint at a later time. If she continues on, you can leave the room.

But do come back to the complaint when you feel calmer. Don't use this as a tactic to avoid addressing the complaint or else the problem will simply grow.

Did you feel that the mood supplements were ever helpful to you?




Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Yesterday I told my wife through tears that I am afraid to talk to her. This morning at 7 am I warmly said good morning and touched her tenderly. She then asked whether I have been taking my mood supplements to which I replied no. Then she said " I think you should take your supplements". Cue: gut tightening. Very first thing in the morning. I replied that sounded DJ to me and that I could not continue the conversation. As she continued to speak about how wrong I was I suggested she ask you guys. She eventually left the room without saying anything further and I proceeded to force some food down into the turmoil going on in my gut. After breakfasting alone and in silence I took her a coffee fixed just the way she likes it at 8am. She said thank you without making eye contact and once again I touched her tenderly as I left the room. Now I am afraid again what will happen next. Do I open my mouth to speak with the very real possibility of receiving more abuse? If I do not speak, I am then accused of punishing and ignoring her. I went about my business and she finally left for work at 11am. I was working in the backyard by now and she informed me, not coming close but from the driveway, that she was leaving. I was too tense to bring myself to go to her to say good bye. My gut finally began to settle down after she left. I do not know whether she contacted you or not, but I wanted to give my perspective. This may speak to the problems I am having being attracted to her. Other than a single no eye contact thank you she has said nothing warm, has not come close to me or touched me.

This is all beyond what we are equipped to deal with. I would strongly suggest you sign up for the online professional program. Did you see the post I made to your wife?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Yesterday I told my wife through tears that I am afraid to talk to her.

I cry a lot, relative to other men.

I don't recommend crying while complaining to your wife.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 15 of 17 1 2 13 14 15 16 17

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5